She knows now after 20 yrs- (update)

[Fiona K]

Yesterday morning I couldn't bear the secrecy any longer. My wife has been asking me what is wrong since I came back from my big overseas trip last weekend and I have been avoiding the issue. This time a didn't and told her everything.

This may just have been one of the worst weekends of my life.

The tears, on both sides, have been heart rending and this post might have been my last, 'till I saw Jenny's news.

At the moment she can't reconcile that I am a CD with the world view she had before yesterday morning. We love each other but that may not be enough for her and I am terrified that she will decide to end a 22 year relationship.

I am cursing being honest but as she says it would have come out some time, she doesn't know my fem name or anything yet, she knows I have a small wardrobe of clothes and seems to intellectually accept that as CD I can be hetero and still in love with her.

She knew something had changed as I'd conciously dumped the old public face of hypocritacal macho BS some 8 weeks ago. She had noticed that I have been shaving (my face) at weekend and also am happy to go clothes shopping with her, both of which I'd suppressed for years as part of the shield for Fiona. She likes this aspect I guess, but does now regard with suspicion any comment on clothes I make- Do I like such and such for her or for me...?

I hope and pray we can work it out, she would have no trouble if a friend had come out or even if one of our girls annonced they were gay but this has been a kick in the gut for her and I feel like the worst kind of b*st*rd for doing this. Is this evidence of the narccissistic (can't spell) CD we talked about a few weeks ago?

I don't know what to do now..........as far as I'm concerned we were soulmates

Can't type for tears right now, gotta go
Fiona

[Sharon]

Fiona:
I'll pray that everything works out between your wife and you. You need to give her time to let it all sink in though. Don't feel you need to dump everything on her all at once.
Your wife probably feels that she doesn't know you as the person she thought you were. It's up to you to let her realize that you are still you, probably even better since you no longer have this deep, dark secret. Be loving, answer any questions she might have for you, and try to avoid being overly defensive.
Thinking of you,
Sharon

[babe4life]

Fiona,

I am so sorry that this has panned out this way.

You are in my thoughts and prayers at this time.

*HUGS*

Love,
Vicky

[JennyCD]

Give her time to absorb the information. That's quite a lot to take in all at once. It may cause a bit of a strain for a while, but after she's had time to think about it, and you've talked about it some more, she may be just fine with things. You never know.

Just sounds like you have a lot more talking to do. At ant rate, at least you were honets with her, and I admire your courage for that. Either way it goes, I think it's better in the long run than keeping secrets and having lies between you.

[Fiona K]

Thanks Girls,
It's good to know you're there.
Fiona

[Julie]

Fiona, I too am sorry with the outcome and can imagine what youself and wife are going through at this time. Reading your post a few times I did though see some positives through all those negatives so hopefully after more heartsearching things will get better.

I imagine your wife at present has so many questions building up to ask you, I know you'll answer her honestly.

How do you feel when things have settle a bit she'd fell about a forum where SO's of CD's talk things through, she'd then see that her situation isn't as unique as she feels it is at this moment.

Love JJ

[Jen_TGCD]

Patience, patience and more patience. You have been living with this for a long time. It's still new and shocking to her. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person and I'm sure she will rationalize it out, in time.

Your new mantra: Go slow! Go slow! Go slow!!!

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Fiona, Grrl,
Hang in there, I believe you did the right thing. Secrecy and lies only undermine trust in a relationship and trust is the foundation. The secrecy and lies only serve to put cracks in that foundation. You took the bold, brave step or repairing your part of that foundation. And like houses with foundations that are 'shakey' or in need of repair, the rest of the house has to readjust and settle. That's the period your in now. I hope and will pray that she can accept who you are fully.

hugs
kew

[Bonnie-OR]

Fiona
Of course we are here for you, and you are also in my thoughts and prayers. I think the best thing you can do now is give her what space she needs, but be there for her. And reassure her that you still love her, and you are still the same man she has been married to all these years. She will hate the fact that you have "lied" to her, but it seems most women get over that eventually. You might point her to this foru, or one of the others that have sections that are strictly for SO's. Julie M might have an address for the one I'm thinking of, I just use my bookmark. Huggs, Bonnie

[Wendy me]

fiona i am real sorry to here things are not going well, over 20 years put into this step back and let her figger it out let her do this at her own pace its aot to swallow be their for her. if you need to vent ,talk or what ever we are here
one step at a time
huge huggs

[Natasha Anne]

I couldn't agree more. She needs time to reconcile it all, and she most likely needs to know you love her regardless of what she thinks of you know.

You will also need to accept that she may never want to accept your "other half" (as my wife calls it). My wife has known since we first went out together 15 years ago and she still gives me a really hard time, to the point I want to leave her sometimes. She tells me she married a man (despite her knowing a long time before we got married!) and that she's not a lesbian.

You will need to be who you are, but don't try to change her opinion about who you are, just accept her world view is different, and if she changes in time that's great.

Natasha continues to thrive, without my wife's support, but I figure being honest and open and also remaining true to myself, although a hard burden to bear sometimes, beats hiding and lying anyday. Opinions can change, but changing who you are is much harder if not impossible.

Good luck, I hope things work out better than they have for many of us. 20 years is a long time to be together, and I hope she sees all the things she married you for when she looks at you.

There's no silver bullet, and every relationship is unique. I hope something someone has said here helps you out.

Hugs
Me

[Georgette]

Fiona this is something that I am fighting with now, what is and when is the right time or place or situation the let her ( the SO know) Damn what a delema .
I have thought of many, many, and many more ways to tell her , but when the time I set to tell her I chicken out. What's a girl to do.
I have prayed that there is some way to talk to her about it , but I still haven't got to that. I'll hand in and try and find the time or place. Hope y-all pray for me as it is the PITS. :( :(
Hugs
Georgette

[cata]

I admit although ive always wanted a long term relationship, perhaps because of my nature, they have never lasted...but never would I ever discuss my crossdressing nature, though my feminine and androgynous side was always so clear...in fact an attraction for the women Ive been with........
a woman who falls in love with a male image packaging the qualities and spirit within, not likely is prepared to change....so though it may be inevitable that she knows, it is best to practice your womanly clothing arts to yourself and others symapthizers...if you maintain your male image with her, continuing to act as before with her...she will eventually come around...maybe....cata

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Kew

Please help me here if i am off base. this is your territory !

When I went to therapy with wife my therapist said the goal here is:

1: have a happy couple
2: if not number 1. then have 2 happy people
3. if not number 2. then one happy person
4. in not number 3. then therapy failed

I sincerly hope for 1 or 2 or 3

maude

Hi Maude,
Well, truly, I'd need to know the context in which the therapist said that in order to comment specifically on this. I can say this, the primary purpose of couple's therapy is to facilitate communication, healthy communication, between the couple, improve understanding of the individuals in the relationship and their roles in the relationship. Further goals may be, to help the couple indentify conflicts within the relationship and help them attain an acceptable outcome for both of them. I have to admit, I don't think attaining happiness is ever the goal of therapy and, therefore, not attaining happiness doesn't mean therapy failed. WE, ourselves, our the ones in control of our own happiness. No other individual can truly make us happy. It is a choice and a by product of the random events of life. I hope this helps. Feel free to pm me. Take care and best of luck!

hugs
kew

[StephanieCD]

Fiona, hon... you did the right thing! Breathe.

My inexperienced advice - 22 years is a long time - would be to not dress or anything right now. This time is about your wife. Don't put any pressure on her to do or feel anything. This time, as I said, has to be about her. If you've ever read the SO discussions she's feeling an enormous number of things right now - soon she may be feeling like you are selfish, wanting to take away her role as the feminine one and so on. This give her what she needs, breathe, and back the F off. Encourage her your feelings never changed for her and that it's only this secret you have kept. Show her you love her by not wallowing and being "wimpy" right now - be the guy she loves and just don't waver on the CDing, it's the truth and she will want to know more in time. Offer her access to information, forums, sites, other SO's - and go breathe.

We are all hoping for you!

[Olesha]

Fiona
I feel for your predicament. However, I feel that you have a chance to maintain your obviously loving relationship as your wife's rejection is not total. Love and good luck
Olesha

[Jerry]

Fiona, whew! Hugs, girl. It's hang on time. When I went through this a year ago my wife wanted some kind of revenge. Something she could tell me that was so shocking I couldn't understand. Just to know what she was going through. I emphasized how much I really love her. As you know, hiding this informations is a real balance between wanting that love, not wanting to hurt her, yet also being somewhat selfish. I've appolgized so much, she doesn't want to hear appologies anymore. But my wife has also been open. Our gay friends and acquaintances are just there as part of our lives. It sounds like your wife understands people are all different. Cling to that. You must be a wonderful person to be with for 22 years. Hopefully, time, some difficult but honest discussions, and love will prevail!

Best to you. Jerry

[Fiona K]

Thanks to all of you Girls,
Stephanie, I agree totally thank you, the only plave Fiona is in evidence is right here.

Kew,
Your advice and wise council is always appreciated.

Julie,
I'll get another 24 hours in (I'm taking the day off work tomorrow, they owe me anyway, because she doesn't want to be alone) and I may contact you.

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart
Love
all
Fiona

[Wendy me]

fiona be slow be gentile let be what she needs to be .after 22 years of kids when thay moved out my wife asked me if i loved her i told let be frainds and get to know each outher first see what comes of it love with all my heart.....slow you tow can do this
their for ya!

[ieya]

Far Far better tat you told her the truth rather than her find out by luck as happened with my exwife.

Think rest have given you the best advice .

love ieya
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Shelly2]

Back when I was in my 20's (a long time ago!) I was engaged to be married (I'm a GG). One day my boyfriend told me about a couple of past relationships he'd had with other men, although he insisted he wasn't gay, he just thought I should know. I felt pretty weird, I was upset about it but as I thought it over, most of my thoughts were not disgust toward him but rather how this affected me... AIDS was new back then, but other than that I thought maybe I'm marrying a guy who will end up going to gay bars at night and not telling me, or finally admitting he's gay and walking out, etc. I decided to marry him (after an AIDS test), and was glad not to go into the relationship blind. We later divorced but the reasons were unrelated. Everybody is different, but I think the biggest fear in this kind of a situation may be for what you have lost (or never had to begin with).

Another thought, and I hope I don't offend anyone, but in a way, if I was in a relationship for 22 years and just found out something like this, I might be irritated that I spent 22 years with some macho a**hole when I could have spent all that time with a nice guy who is more open to non traditional activities such as shopping, etc... Everyone is different but there is that sense of betrayal that is hard to shake. Whatever happens, I bet the REAL you is such a better person that if the emotional reaction can be overcome then the relationship could be even better/stronger than before! Good Luck!

[lynnegirlie]

When my wife and I were dealing with my CDing, we both read a book called "My Husband Wears My Clothes." I think the author was Dr Peggy Rudd. At any rate we both got alot out of reading it together, and it helped us to discuss what we were both feeling. It certainly doesn't have all the answers, but can be a mutual way to discuss the issue.....when it's teh right time.

Best of luck to you both!

Lynne

[Donna Louise]

Fiona

I came out to my wife after 24 years together. That was about 5 years ago. Like you and your wife we were both in tears. My biggest fear was loosing her but, like you I felt that the time had come. I could not hide it any longer.

We cried, we did not hug as she was hurt that I had hid this from her for so long. Of course I had to answer the question "Does this mean you are gay?"

I hope the best for you and your wife. I will say a little prayer that everything works out. As for us we are still together and I can pretty much dress when I want but I am not allowed to leave the house.

Of course as they say, "When the cat's away."

Hugs and Kisses
Donna Louise

[Jennifer J]

I'm sure it'll just take her a little bit of time to absorb the information but i doubt her feelings for you have changed much. i'm sure she loves you just as much as she did before. i bet everything will be better then it was when she didnt know! know she can go shoppin gwith you and everything!

[Marlene4a]

Fiona - Your wife is not going anywhere. She will always remember the love she has had for the last 22 years. She will not give that up.

She just wants to be assured that "Fiona" is not going to run away with another man, and be assured that her marriage is still the same.

Then, once that is realized, "Fiona" will not be threat to her.

My advice would be to just assure her of this continually.

I know. Been there, done that. This is not easy stuff. Once you get through this, your marriage will be stronger than you both can even come close to realize.
I more than likely cannot explain this like KewT can, she has a lot more depth on this subject than I do, but all I know is....

All is well, and has been for years.

Love

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Fiona!

:(

Good luck Lady. Being on the downside of a 20 year marriage myself, I'm not one to give advice.

All the best to you and your wife. May you resolve your differences in a way that makes you both happy!

[Sweet Susan]

Fiona,
It's like you said, a kick in the gut. She'll get her wind back, and then she'll want you and everything that goes with you. I think this is going to be okay.

[Marlene4a]

Fiona- I agree with Susan wholeheartedly....
This could turn out wonderful for both of you. A whole new world of new things ahead.

[Rachel Ann]

Fiona

It has all been said. My thoughts and prayers are with you too. Keep us posted, hear?

Love

[Wenda]

The others have said it all. You have done the right thing, telling her is much better than having her discover it. It will take her some time to understand your CDing, as Julie said, there are a lot of misconceptions. I imagine her biggest reaction will be trust, 'how could he hide this from me all these years?' which has all sorts of sub-questions: 'is he hiding something else from me?', 'does he really love me?', etc. If you explain that it is because of a need to be honest that you are disclosing this to her. You might want to point out that the majority of members who poll on this forum are straight guys who dress. not gay, not transgender, just cd. Hopefully, once she gets over the initial shock, she will start to realize that the fundamental qualities that she has loved in you are unchanged. All the best, wenda.

[Lily_gg]

As for us we are still together and I can pretty much dress when I want but I am not allowed to leave the house.

Of course as they say, "When the cat's away."
Donna Louise, I've got to ask - does your comment here mean you break all the 'rules' you've agreed with your wife when she's away? And therefore that you're lying to her about something that's probably really very important to her?....

Fiona,

As all the others on here have said, time, space and reassurance are what it's going to take here, in addition to putting her feelings before yours for now, and making sure she knows it. When it comes down to it, she's going to feel betrayed by the fact you've lied to her for over 20yrs (sorry to sound so brutal, but that's how it is for her right now). She's going to be wondering if you're hiding anything else. She'll question your sexuality more than once. She'll question her attractiveness to you, and whether you're attracted to her, or to her clothes. She'll wonder how far this is going to go, and exactly what she can cope with - I actually put off the 'what do you use for breasts' conversation with my boyfriend - I've been trying to figure out why, and I think it's because I didn't want to 'give him ideas' - go figure, we're still working through it all! If your relationship has been lacking in attentiveness/emotional expression from you, she'll feel angry about that, and maybe resentful if she feels you're expecting emotional support from her now. If you've not been great at discussing fantasies etc, she'll also be a little upset about that. And if she's felt like you've never quite been 100% hers, because you've been holding this back, that will also be hurting her.

However, if you're ready to accept the fact that she'll ask all these questions, that she may be angry/resentful at you, or be openly hurt, and still work at the relationship with her, and make sure she knows you love her to bits, I think you'll be fine - point her to www.crossdressers-forum.com - they have a dedicated SO area, and if she wants to email someone girl-to-girl, pm me for my email address any time. Good luck!!! *hugs* ;)

[Donna Louise]

Lily GG

I am sort of hiding things from her. When she is gone and well after dark, I might.

Take out the trash, 5 feet from the garage door. Check the mail front porch. I make sure the outside lights are out. Once a blue moon, I might go for a drive around the block. I never go anywhere public and never get over 1/2 mile from home.

I realize that this may not be right but it is very exciting. :D Does this make me a bad person?

Hugs
Donna Louise

[Lily_gg]

I know it doesn't seem much, but in my book it does mean she'd have every right to be upset with you for breaking her trust if she ever found out. It wouldn't be what you were doing that would upset her (because yes, they are fairly minor 'breaks'), but the fact that you were doing it even though you knew she didn't want you to (well, this would upset me with my bf at any rate - we have a tacit 'rule'/understanding that he's going to keep this completely between us until I'm happy with it all, then we'll see where it goes. If he did something like tell one of his friends now, I'd be deeply deeply hurt).

Maybe it's time to broach the subject of you doing a little more? Or would she be afraid that you'd just want to go further still, a bit later, and so on?...

But then, you could try the 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' theory - how smart is your wife? :p

[Fiona K]

Another thought, and I hope I don't offend anyone, but in a way, if I was in a relationship for 22 years and just found out something like this, I might be irritated that I spent 22 years with some macho a**hole when I could have spent all that time with a nice guy who is more open to non traditional activities such as shopping, etc... Everyone is different but there is that sense of betrayal that is hard to shake. Whatever happens, I bet the REAL you is such a better person that if the emotional reaction can be overcome then the relationship could be even better/stronger than before! Good Luck!

Thank you Shelly,
The hiding for 20 years (19 married and a couple before that, not to mention 2 daughters, 7 house moves all over the UK etc etc) is one of the major issues, as I'd feared it would be, I don't blame her, she has every right to be seriously pissed off with me on that aspect alone.

Thanks you for your kind thoughts- and welcome to the forum, not all the threads are such a downer!
Fiona

[Fiona K]

Fiona,

As all the others on here have said, time, space and reassurance are what it's going to take here, in addition to putting her feelings before yours for now, and making sure she knows it. When it comes down to it, she's going to feel betrayed by the fact you've lied to her for over 20yrs (sorry to sound so brutal, but that's how it is for her right now). She's going to be wondering if you're hiding anything else. She'll question your sexuality more than once. She'll question her attractiveness to you, and whether you're attracted to her, or to her clothes. She'll wonder how far this is going to go, and exactly what she can cope with - I actually put off the 'what do you use for breasts' conversation with my boyfriend - I've been trying to figure out why, and I think it's because I didn't want to 'give him ideas' - go figure, we're still working through it all! If your relationship has been lacking in attentiveness/emotional expression from you, she'll feel angry about that, and maybe resentful if she feels you're expecting emotional support from her now. If you've not been great at discussing fantasies etc, she'll also be a little upset about that. And if she's felt like you've never quite been 100% hers, because you've been holding this back, that will also be hurting her.

However, if you're ready to accept the fact that she'll ask all these questions, that she may be angry/resentful at you, or be openly hurt, and still work at the relationship with her, and make sure she knows you love her to bits, I think you'll be fine - point her to www.crossdressers-forum.com - they have a dedicated SO area, and if she wants to email someone girl-to-girl, pm me for my email address any time. Good luck!!! *hugs* ;)

Thank you Lily,
Your care and thoughts as having gone through this, along with Kew and Shelly are important to me. We're in early evening now of having spent the day together, don't know what's going on at work and right now I don't give a d*mn.

We've had a OK day, a fun day in some ways, not too talkative about "it" which is down to her just now. I'm here to talk if she wants, I am trying to make space for her. Fiona only exists right now within this forum and that's where she'll stay for now.

My femininity is incredibly important to me but right now it is not as important as my mariage to a wonderful girl- she is still a girl, we married young, she only turns 40 next year.

OMG, we've been together more than half of our lives!!!! Hells bells, I hadn't thought of that before!!

All of you have been so supportive ans all of your comments have helped me. I will use the various links when she asks too.

Love to all
Fiona

[Lauren Richards]

Time, time, and more time. You have know about this for 20 years, and she just found out. Think of how you would react to any secret of the most deeply personal behavior your wife would have told you, after keeping it a secret for twenty years. Trust is one of the most important building blocks in the foundation of any relationship, and you have given her your trust. Give her your time, too. If she had been running on a treadmill and someone had suddenly stopped the belt without warning, I suspect she would go crashing, and need some time to recover. Not too different in the telling of long held secrets. It is a new world to her, and likely very scary. Think of next year, not tomorrow. She needs your love, and time; both freely given. You cannot give too much of either. Hang in there.

[StephanieCD]

Fiona... maybe do something for her, to celebrate HER. Hock something and get her a day at the spa or something... time to think... and be pretty... and so on.

Just an idea.

[ChristineRenee]

Best thing for you to do now Fiona is to give it time. It's going to be quite an adjustment for her and she may not react very positively for awhile. If your marriage is strong however it will endure. Reassure her that you love her and best of luck to you both.


Love,
Christine Renee

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hugs, grrl, still praying for you both. She's in shock and that's expected. Even though I accept my grrly totally, she was not out to anyone before me and did not tell her wife. I told her, no more secrets starting with me/us. None! I couldn't take it and it would hurt me and only ruin our trust. She seems to understand and I believe she is practicing what I've asked of her.

Hang in there grrl, we're all pulling for you!

hugs
kew

[Amelie]

Fiona, I want to appologize to you, i don't know how I missed your thread. I am very sorry for this.

Fiona I havn't read what all the girls had said here so I may be repeating those words. I feel very sad for you and your wife, somehow you would have wanted a different reaction. You have to let her take it all in be patient, this is a lot to handle. i wish I can give you first hand advise but I can't.
Fiona, you are one of my dearest friends here, I really pray that you and your wife come out of this situation for the better. I am so upset to hear your problem, that I am having trouble finding words of comfort. I am sure the other girls said a lot, so all I can say is, Fiona, my friend, I am thinking of you in my heart.
Love and Hope
Amelie

[Fiona K]

Fiona... maybe do something for her, to celebrate HER. Hock something and get her a day at the spa or something... time to think... and be pretty... and so on.

Just an idea.

I plan to Stephanie,
WHat I don't want to do is to appear to be acting our of guilt but out of love.. That may take a little time. The best spa around here is not far away, Stobo House in the Scottish Borders. Maybe post-Christmas? Will need to play it by ear.

Thanks again for your support and concern
Fiona
xx

[Fiona K]

Hugs, grrl, still praying for you both. She's in shock and that's expected. Even though I accept my grrly totally, she was not out to anyone before me and did not tell her wife. I told her, no more secrets starting with me/us. None! I couldn't take it and it would hurt me and only ruin our trust. She seems to understand and I believe she is practicing what I've asked of her.

Hang in there grrl, we're all pulling for you!

hugs
kew

Thanks Kew,
Your perspective helps tremendously,
Love
Fiona

[Fiona K]

Fiona, I want to appologize to you, i don't know how I missed your thread. I am very sorry for this.

Fiona I havn't read what all the girls had said here so I may be repeating those words. I feel very sad for you and your wife, somehow you would have wanted a different reaction. You have to let her take it all in be patient, this is a lot to handle. i wish I can give you first hand advise but I can't.
Fiona, you are one of my dearest friends here, I really pray that you and your wife come out of this situation for the better. I am so upset to hear your problem, that I am having trouble finding words of comfort. I am sure the other girls said a lot, so all I can say is, Fiona, my friend, I am thinking of you in my heart.
Love and Hope
Amelie

Oh Amelie don't apologise!!!!
You've made my day by your kind words!!
Thank you for being there!
Love
Fiona

[Lily_gg]

No more words for now, but I'm in the kind of mood to send more hugs, and hope it's still going alright for the two of you...

*HUGS* :)

[DonnaT]

Once you get to the point that she is trying to understand and will read about CDing, see if she'll read the following articles:

http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg01.html

http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg06.html


and there are several interesting areas at the followng web site that may help you talk to her and her to understand:

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

After 29 years my wife is still learning new things and trying to be more accepting, so it may take a little time for her to come around.

Good Luck

[Wendy me]

fiona
as things go on what ever way things do just rember this is your safe zone. sometimes it helpes to write it down before you say it ....you can alyways delete it....... but once you say it its out
love ya!

[Fiona K]

No more words for now, but I'm in the kind of mood to send more hugs, and hope it's still going alright for the two of you...

*HUGS* :)

Thanks Lily,
We're getting there I think.

Not very many questions right now but the tears have become less frequent. Spending the day yesterday helped, but I have had to work today. But so far so good.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your support and concern, I am totally blown away by how much everyone cares. This is a special place with very special people.

As she comes back to asking the hard questions (as I'm sure she will) I will introduce her to the links etc and hopefully we can get through this.

I'm just trying to be her Husband for now.........after all we are still crazy in love after all this time, I think that helps..........

Thank you again Lily
Love
Fiona

[Sarah Cummings]

Fiona, One thing you can do that could be partly fiona, Just try to have an understanding of her feelings as Mainly "Fiona" could do. To non-chalauntly relate to her. As you do this, she might feel this is something you may not have done before. But as you know, as a woman you can relate to a woman in "ALMOST" anything just shy of having a baby. Who knows, maybe one day doctors may find a way to do that. But for now, Just let that much of "Fiona" through in the way of a man. If she sees you relating to her without pressuring her, hopefully, that should put some positives in her mind and then finally sinking into her heart. Also, though not right now, when the time is right, you might direct her to this site. I feel confident that the other girls on here will be happy to answer any questions she may have. Also as you know, there are others on here that have been down the same road you are on now. They could help point out the map to salvaging your marriage. You have my heartfelt hugs. You may try other forums, BUT, For me, this is theeeee only one. I feel the honesty and sincere people here. MMwwwahhh!! Love Sarah :)

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Still praying for ya two, hang in there grrl!

hugs and prayers
kew

[Fiona K]

Thanks Kew!
It means a lot to read the good wishes from all of you.

Fewer tears yesterday, better nights sleep, trip to the movies to see Bridget Jones... so far so good. No sign of the hard questions coming back yet but I'm not going to push...she'll ask in her own time, I hope.

Love to all
Fiona

[Sarah Cummings]

It wouldn't hurt to show in your face and actions that you are concerned about the relationship. Act with slow but concerned movements as you will show this as a display of your heart. You don't want to push it by constantly bringing it up to talk about it, but in you BODY language is a good way to do that (of course in masculine ways, not fem) I sincerely hope things get solid again. As I mentioned in a previous thread sometime ago, That in the marraige vows, if you remember, you BOTH vowed through thick and thin. The vows pretty much cover everything that could happen in life to a married couple right up to "Till death do you part!" So hopefully SHE will remember that as well. That means the couple are to "LOVE" each other till death do you part!" In the mean time also, maybe once in a while you could buy her some flowers (if you haven't already been doing so) Look for little things like a little teddy bear or other stuffed toys that you know she might like. Just don't do it too often. These would be little hints to her that you love her. Things that will stay in her mind AND HEART!!! MAYBE even Going to the florist and having some flowers "Delivered" to her at a time when you know she's home, BUT as a surprise! love Sarah :)

[Wenda]

glad to hear it hasn't exploded. further to Sarah's comments, there is a rather poetic line in a Clint Black song "love isn't something you fall in to...Love is what you do!" Thinking of love as an active verb rather than a noun is a good concept to have in the back of your mind. all the best, wenda.

[Sarah Cummings]

glad to hear it hasn't exploded. further to Sarah's comments, there is a rather poetic line in a Clint Black song "love isn't something you fall in to...Love is what you do!" Thinking of love as an active verb rather than a noun is a good concept to have in the back of your mind. all the best, wenda.
Hi wenda, Your right, You have to admit though, it's a very strong emotion as well that can prompt you to do many things. Many people think that LOVE is what causes pain and suffering BUT, it's not love that causes it, it's the response from the other people that you direct that love to that can hurt. There is absolutely nothing wrong with love. of course you have to TRY to channel that LOVE you have the best you can. If I say That I love a woman who is married, then it can hurt when I find out she's married. etc. But if your married and the woman you are married to decides to cheat or something else that is derogatory to the relationship and the emotions contained there in, then that can hurt very much. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying. In the case of Fiona, it's a situation that can't really be helped as far as emotions are concerned. But depending on how deep the emotions go regarding that, then hopefully it can be nurtured back to full potential. I'm sure we on this site will do our best to give the best love to Fiona and help where we can to get her situation back to healthy status. Thanks Wenda, LOVE Sarah :) Love to you to Fiona :)

[Lily_gg]

Just remember to do and notice the little things Fiona - when my bf noticed a particular perfume I wore (I have a selection, and tend to flit between them), and commented that he loved it on me, I wore it every time I saw him for the next four weeks, and a fair few days that I didn't see him, just because it made me think of him. You will not believe the effect that just little 'throwaway' comments like that will have on your wife's feelings, particularly about the way you feel about her.

So, a few suggestions (if you're not already doing these) - when she looks fabulous, tell her so (make sure she knows you mean her, and not just her clothes - an ex once told me that I was at my most beautiful as I stepped out of the shower, still dripping, just before I picked up my towel - it really surprised me, and I loved it - sometime like that would be perfect, as it's definitely not about the clothes). Be a little more tactile - women are generally more tactile than men, our skin is a lot more sensitive - even if you have enough space to walk past her without touching her, use being close enough as a chance to touch her lightly, kiss her briefly on the neck, brush her hair from her face and tell her she's beautiful, whatever. Reminisce about great times you've had, preferably prompted - e.g. if you hear a band playing, tell her it reminds you of the fantastic night you had out dancing together, stuff like that. Send random emails or texts when you think of her, just saying that you were thinking of her and wanted to let her know. And of course continue being as open as you're being when she asks questions, and make sure she knows you're still her man. ;)

Not that I think I need to tell you all this - I'm sure you know it all already - but it can't hurt to remind you. Good luck, *hugs* :)

[Fiona K]

Thanks Girls,
Just seeing these new posts every day is great.
As I said, so far so good. We went out with friends last night, just to a local pub but we had a good time.

We're getting through this, I think I'll modify the thread title a little.

Still no sign of the big questions yet........

Thanks again
Love
Fiona

[Wenda]

lots of good thoughts and suggestions, Fiona. Everyone is still here for you. all the best. Wenda.

[clarissa3d]

Be supportive and always show your love for her.
and of course patence ( think that is spelled right)

Praying for you two

[Sarah Cummings]

Thanks Girls,
Just seeing these new posts every day is great.
As I said, so far so good. We went out with friends last night, just to a local pub but we had a good time.

We're getting through this, I think I'll modify the thread title a little.

Still no sign of the big questions yet........

Thanks again
Love
Fiona
IF you get to a point that your not sure what else to do, remember, we are here. Don't hesitate to ask!!!! we'll do our best to guide you through. And also, remember when the time is right, you can guide her here to this site, and we'll show her love too and try to work with her. Be sure to let her know to open her own thingy and to specify that she's your wife so we know who were communicating with. Special love to both of you. Sarah :)

[Fiona K]

A wee update before I logoff girls,
Last night wasn't too great, more tears but more talk too. As so many have said it will take a lot of time but we'll get though it, I'm sure of that, we are determined to.
Thanks again
love
Fiona

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hey Fiona,

You're talking. That's good!!!! That's a sign of hope, in my view. Good luck to the both of you.

[Sharon]

A wee update before I logoff girls,
Last night wasn't too great, more tears but more talk too. As so many have said it will take a lot of time but we'll get though it, I'm sure of that, we are determined to.
Thanks again
love
Fiona

This is what it's going to take Fiona: talk and time!
Good luck, and remember that we're all thinking of you.
Love,
Sharon

[JennyCD]

Talking is good. Keep talking through it and everything will be fine. It's when the talking stops that you know you have real problems. We're with you.

One note: have you considered having her read this thread? Or perhaps some others? Just a thought.

[Rachel Ann]

(((((Fiona)))))

Just don't forget that we love you and are here for you. I know that doesn't make it easier or hurt less but do keep us up to date.

Love

[Cheree]

Fiona,
Hang in there, 22 years is a long time and you can't be together that long without a firm foundation! I hope you proceed slowly and re affirm your love for her relentlessly each day , you will prevail! So what if in the end you can't go out side in public. As long as she accepts your love and knows your going no where............Good luck, sincerely Cheree;
May God Bless you both. :)

[racquel]

Fiona,everything the girls have been saying will probably be of help in your situation.the important thing will be doing or saying the right thing at the right time.between your masculine self,your feminine self,your knowledge of her and the depth of the love you have for each other i am confident all will work out.my prayers are with you both.huggs

[paulaN]

be defensive about your cd'ing, after all,,, you are defending yourself. I know it will all work out, she will not let 22 yrs go. she will like the same things about you that she always has. may be even more.

[Lauren Richards]

Fiona,
One of my favorite stories is in the book Zorba the Greek. It involves the character finding a butterfly struggling to emerge. He breathes on it to warm it, to help it emerge more easily. Unfortunately, he did not foresee the consequences. In easing the natural struggle of emergence and transition, the butterfly was deprived of the time and effort necessary to develop strength. The butterfly emerged weak and deformed, and died shortly after the "easy" emergence.

Your time and effort, and tears, are all part of the natural process. Embrace the struggle you are sharing. Wishing each of you both patience and strength, and a long, happy life together.

Lauren

[KewTnCurvy GG]

The suggestion to have her read the thread is a bad one. I don't think she'll get out of it what the member who suggested it thinks. Putting myself in her place, I would feel further betrayed and hurt. Like he can talk with 'them' but not me. Or he's sharing his thoughts with 'them' as well. Right now, it needs to be you and her. Perfectly fine to lean on folks here but she needs to know that it's just the two of you. :)

Me 2 cents, once more (how much are all my 2 cents adding up to??

hugs, big hugs
kew

[Sharon]

"Me 2 cents, once more (how much are all my 2 cents adding up to??"

Kew:
I think you owe us, don't you?

[Sharon]

Ooh... 500 posts huh? You owe us a lot, don't you? :D

[Fiona K]

The suggestion to have her read the thread is a bad one. I don't think she'll get out of it what the member who suggested it thinks. Putting herself in my place, I would feel further betrayed and hurt. Like he can talk with 'them' but not me. Or he's sharing his thoughts with 'them' as well. Right now, it needs to be you and her. Perfectly fine to lean on folks here but she needs to know that it's just the two of you. :)

Me 2 cents, once more (how much are all my 2 cents adding up to??

hugs, big hugs
kew

Thnak Kew,
That is exactly what I am thinking. I'd like to introduce her to the board but not with this thread live. It is helping me but as you say it will not be seen the same way, despite everyone's good thoughts to both of us. Maybe I'm finally getting this empathy thing?

As always, I am grateful for everyone's love and concern
Love
Fiona

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Thnak Kew,
That is exactly what I am thinking. I'd like to introduce her to the board but not with this thread live. It is helping me but as you say it will not be seen the same way, despite everyone's good thoughts to both of us. Maybe I'm finally getting this empathy thing?

As always, I am grateful for everyone's love and concern
Love
Fiona

Dear G(g)od,
After being the grammar and spelling nazi I made a huge error in me posty which I've corrected now. Nothing like putting one's foot in their proverbial mouth
:rolleyes:

hugs
kew

[clarissa3d]

Toe Jam

[JennyCD]

OK, forget I mentioned it. I just thought it might be helpful for her to know that you're not the only CD in the world and actually we are all a pretty normal bunch.

Hmmm, on second thought.......... :)

[Rachel Ann]

Fiona

Perhaps you could introduce her to another site that has a section oriented to SOs. I know of a couple if you want to pursue this.

Love

[Sarah Cummings]

Dear G(g)od,
After being the grammar and spelling nazi I made a huge error in me posty which I've corrected now. Nothing like putting one's foot in their proverbial mouth
:rolleyes:

hugs
kew
Hey Kew, Honey be careful, if you say like "Thank God!" You might get a letter from my EX-wife in the mail saying "Your Welcome! :D You see, my EX-wife is GOD! She knows EVERYTHING there is to know. That's why I never needed the internet or encyclopedia when I was with her. Example....One time my baby finger on my right hand was really hurting from something and I didn't know from what. I said I would go see a doctor. She said "There's nothing they can do for it!" I said "How do you know!" She said "I was a nurses aide once!" I replied, "Ohhhhh, I see, so that qualifies you to be surgeon general?" LOL :D Love Sarah

[Fiona K]

Fiona

Perhaps you could introduce her to another site that has a section oriented to SOs. I know of a couple if you want to pursue this.

Love

Hi Rachel
Thanks, I have a few links but any more would be great.
More talk today, progress maybe too. Patience and love will get us through I think.
Love
Fiona

[mpava]

My wife recently (2 yrs ago) found out about my CD life and we have had roller coaster days and nights. We have been together for 24 years; our only child is off to college next year.

Anyone else in the empty nest syndrome? The reason I ask is that my wife hasn't dealt with her feelings at all about my CD life and refuses to talk about anything related to it. She didnt violently react to finding out but has made a few choice comments about me "being deceitful, lying" and "why did you do this to me?".

I initiated counseling for me to deal with my isolation/depression. Many of you have written that there is a fair amount of "perceptive analysis" that creates a negative image of a CD. I never accepted the fact that I am OK with my life until recently and now feel that it's time for my wife to begin accepting me. I would say that after she found out she has done some rejecting.

I totally agree that communication is so vitally crucial. But what am I to do if a wall has been built around the issue?

[Rachel Ann]

She didnt violently react to finding out but has made a few choice comments about me "being deceitful, lying" and "why did you do this to me?".
mpava

I don't know you well enough to advise you about anything, but my heart goes out to you. Sometimes people need to be led to see (often by a psychologist) that there is no "why" to some things.

I have been up against this around dressing. I can't say "why" but I know that I am powerfully drawn to it and it doesn't "go away".

I have also been up against this about my depression. There is no "why" to that either, it's brain chemistry and it isn't ABOUT anything. This isn't really relevant, just another example of how "why" can be meaningless.



I totally agree that communication is so vitally crucial. But what am I to do if a wall has been built around the issue?
There's nothing you really can do. Just love her. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. (Sorry, that's a platitude but it's the best I can do.)

Good luck with this. I'll be thinking of you.

Love

[Fiona K]

Hi Girls,
I thought I would give one final update on this thread before it dissapears.

There have been more tears, frustration that I didn't tell her sooner and a level of acceptance for which I am incredibly grateful.

I tried sharing the crossdresser-forum SO link but that blew up in my face in one way, she just completely broke down when she read the posts. What did come out of that was the realsiation on her part that this is not a frivolous fantasy or fetish but is more important to me than that, I guess seeing the words in black an white really brought it fully home. This allows both of us to move on to the next stage, if not acceptance then a lack of denial- if that make sense.

I think our love is probably stronger than ever. I'm not sure she'll ever "like" my crossdressing, I'm not sure she'll ever want to meet Fiona but she knows this isn't (as we've said in other threads) a lifestyle choice! I'd like her to fully accept Fiona but know this might never happen.

We're spending every possible hour of the day together right now and have re-discovered some of what we felt neary 20 years ago whe we married, even to talk of a renewal ceremony in Vegas when we're there next year!!!

I guess it helps that coming out to her has meant more han just sharing a secret, it has been a major epiphany for me too, so much macho BS and pretending to be something I am not has been washed away.

The main thing is that she doesn't want the old me back, niether do I!!

As many of you have said, one step at a time and lots of love............

Anyway, I want thank all of you who have PMed and posted in this thread. Your support and love has been fantastic I am forever in your debt.

Love to all of you
Fiona

[Lily_gg]

I don't know you well enough to advise you about anything, but my heart goes out to you. Sometimes people need to be led to see (often by a psychologist) that there is no "why" to some things.

I have been up against this around dressing. I can't say "why" but I know that I am powerfully drawn to it and it doesn't "go away".

I have also been up against this about my depression. There is no "why" to that either, it's brain chemistry and it isn't ABOUT anything. This isn't really relevant, just another example of how "why" can be meaningless.
I'm guessing the comment "why did you do this to me" is less "why are you a cd", and more "why did you lie to me for so long, it hurts".

Fiona,

She may well get there yet (wanting to meet Fiona), especially since you're doing every thing right from what you've said - a renewal ceremony sounds like a lovely idea for the two of you.

On the subject of the SO posts - when I was first online finding out about all this, I did try one of the SO forums, and it just really upset me, and made me less likely to be accepting - so many women on there were so angry and unforgiving, and I found it wasn't the best environment for me to be in if I wanted to gain some understanding, and keep loving my bf. There were some who were accepting, and they were trying to help the others, but I actually found this forum an easier place to be. Having said which, my bfs 'confession' caused us to get back together (we'd actually broken up for a few weeks, which catalysed his telling me - he realised he didn't like being without me) rather than rocking the relationship - the rocky bits came later...

Anyhow, I hope you're doing well now, she clearly likes the new you, so.....

*hugs*
Lily

[Sarah Cummings]

Fiona, I had a couple of tears of happiness for you as I read your last post. I am sooooo hopeful for you that the progress continues. BUT, like anyone who lives or used to live in earthquake territorries, like California etc can tell you, that often after a quake when things seem to have settled down, there could be one or more aftershocks. I'm not trying to be negative, Just REAL!!! I'm just saying that as your wife may seem like she's becomming accepting, be careful, and still take it slow. The frozen water was thin ice that you fell into up to your waist, but managed to get out of. The water needs to freeze up again to keep from falling in again. But, Let the ice get strong to support your efforts. Now that she knows about fiona, allow her to continue recouping from that blow. Still let her take her time. So far, it sounds like wonderful progress. I hope you'll continue to keep us informed of how things are going and I truly hope you get to the renewal of vows next year, That's sooooo romantic ;) Love Sarah

[Celeste GG]

As I mentioned in my post on SO's group I am happy for wives and friends to mail me They will need someone to talk to!

However I think I will set up a new hotmail address... don't think Mistress Celeste is just what any of them will want to see! ;)

[Fiona K]

Hi Girls,
I thought I'd resurrect this ancient thread in order to give a bit of an update to those of you who have been so supportive over the last 6 months or so.

Well, We've had our earthquakes and tremors, our doubts and our fears of losing our marriage. Fits of depression and misery on both sides and some joy too.

I've "met" more local girls via a UK based forum I have driven certain freinds on this forum crazy during IM conversations.



Basically though, I pretty much backed off from dressing at home, I stopped pushing for some form of acceptance or at least some form of resolution to the issue, I've left well alone. I have only dressed when travelling on business, and not every time either. I gave her books to read, if she wanted to, no pressure, some of which she did read through. I answered questions when asked and kept quiet on the subject the pretty much the rest of the time.



Suffice to say that, over the last 8 or so weeks my wife has bought me new undies, scouted out outfits while shopping then taken me back to buy them, discussed make-up, has me doing her nails, still doesn't like my shaving (not my chin) but does like shopping with me.

Last week she asked to see some pictures of Fiona (something that previously really upset her) and complemented them- no comments about Drag Queens!!

She has seen my trying on the new outfits, without make-up, but has now suggested we go out together as girls. She like a party anyway and she's decided it might be fun for us to hit an Edinburgh club!

Now I'm the one who's slowing down- sort of- trying to think what I'd wear, will I drive, will I embarrass her or the other t-Girls in the club???

But 6 months ago I never though this might be a train of thought I'd ever haev outside a dream, she is wonderful, she still would prefer that I was not a TV but has accepted that I am who I am.




Anyway, I have just jotted this quick heads up to say thanks for the support girls but also to suggest to those of you who are in a relationship and have not yet come out, that no matter what you do it will be difficult and you will have to try and progress at your partner's pace, not your own.

Don't expect that your dreams will all come true at once. I'm still wary of things going wrong for us, and that she might have second thoughts but the important thing is that she is in the driving seat as far as I am concerned.

Thanks again girls, and to those special people whom I have had the most support and care from I am forever in your debt.

Fiona
xx

[Amelie]

I am so happy for you, Fiona. I like hearing good news.

I hope all the best to you and your wife, it sounds like you are on the right track, now, don't derail the train.

Love Amelie

[Wendy me]

wow ... you come a long way baby... i hope that things go smouthely for you and this up date gives all hope ... someday girlfreind i hope that my wife turns around as welll .....

huge wendy hugs to you..........

[Holly]

Fiona,

I didn't become a member here until after this thread was originally started. I have to say that you and your wonderful wife have made some significant progress over the last six months. You both should be proud of one another. It's evident that your relationship is built on a strong foundation of love for one another. It's more evidence that being honest is still the best policy. Is there risk in that? Sure. But deciet is a relationship killer. Keep up the good work!

[Tamara Croft]

Congratulations on achieving so much with your wife over the last 6 months. I think it's great when another partner starts understanding and accepting your life. I wish you all the best and hope when you go out... you both have a great time :D

[Sharon]

This is wonderful news Fiona and I'm so happy for you!
I think it says something to many of us other girls that you gave your wife plenty of time and space to absorb and contemplate what you had to say to her.

[Andrea]

Good luck Fiona to you and your wife. :thumbsup:

[Julie York]

You rotten bugger!!!

I left my glasses at work and have spent the last 20 MINUTEs standing 8 feet from the monitor, then running to use the mouse then standing eight feet back again to read the screen.....ONLY TO FIND IT IS A 6 MONTH OLD THREAD!



Damn you!!!


Anyway, makes good reading. And wow haven't you come a long way!

Can I get a large print version?

(To hell with it, I'm off back to work to get my glasses. Don't do anything until I get back)

[christine h]

Hope things turn out well for the both of you and theres a light at the end of the tunnel. I find there always is.

[MonaSmith]

Hi Honey,

Wow, you did give me a shock!! I read the title of the thread and was wondering how everything had changed since we last chatted. It took a few seconds for it to sink in, that you said you were going to post in your old thread. Duh!! Mona having a blonde moment.

Anyway, what can I say that I haven't already? I am really happy for you both, and hopefully it will all continue and get easier and happier for you both.

Well done, I am really proud of you for holding back when she needed you to, and for being brave enough to be totally honest about yourself, which is never an easy thing to do.

Speak to you soon sweetie, don't forget to tell her that your girlfriends say hello :D

Love Mona x.

[Julie York]

Twenty bloody minutes!!!!

[Tristen Cox]

Fiona that's excellent :cool: I'm very pleased this is happening for you :clap: May it only get better as time progresses. *big hugs*

[DonnaT]

Things sound pretty good Fiona, congratulations. Heck, my wife hasn't even got to some of the levels of acceptance your wife has, even after 29 years. :(

Although she does like me going along on the shopping trips, which I didn't usually do until after she stepped up her acceptance, simply because I couldn't enjoy it like I can now. You know what I mean.

I reckon some of the Rose's girls could give you ideas on places to go on a girls night out. I sure hope that works out for you. :thumbsup:

[Kat]

Fiona,

I bless your huge courage and I honor your risk in seeking to live your truth!

Kat

[Tia]

Fiona,

as a newbie here I'm truly happy for you. And this thread has given me a trust that good things can happen (althought I was bit scared while reading it).

And to all girls, I'm really positively suprised for the support you are giving here. So world isn't so bad place as some are saying! :thumbsup:

Love,
Michelle

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

Yay!

Fiona: 1
fate: 0

[Ashley Allison]

Congradulations Fiona,

I'm so very happy to hear of the success you've had with your relationship. It gives hope to the rest of us in our own lives. :)

[Fiona K]

Twenty bloody minutes!!!!


Hi Julie,
You can make the screen bigger in the control panel, look under the wheelchair icon!!

Sorry couldn't resist!!

Fiona
xx

[Fiona K]

Hi Honey,

Wow, you did give me a shock!! I read the title of the thread and was wondering how everything had changed since we last chatted. It took a few seconds for it to sink in, that you said you were going to post in your old thread. Duh!! Mona having a blonde moment.

Anyway, what can I say that I haven't already? I am really happy for you both, and hopefully it will all continue and get easier and happier for you both.

Well done, I am really proud of you for holding back when she needed you to, and for being brave enough to be totally honest about yourself, which is never an easy thing to do.

Speak to you soon sweetie, don't forget to tell her that your girlfriends say hello :D

Love Mona x.

Sorry Mona!!

I couldn't figure out how to ammend the heading on the thread to say "update" or something!!

I thought it might be usefull for the other girls in the position I was last year to see how we dealt with it and where we have reached. As you know we're not out of the woods yet but were both hopeful that the worst might be over.

Thanks to you for all your love and support too Mona.

Fiona
xx

[Tristen Cox]

I couldn't figure out how to ammend the heading on the thread to say "update" or something!!

No problemo;)

[Fiona K]

Thanks Tristen!
Fiona
xx