Betrayed

[sheena]

My wife went on a women's retreat for 3 days and asked if I was going to dress while she was away. Of course I said since I've been dressing at every opportunity anyway. So knowing I'd be dressed she brings one of her GG friends to the door and demands me to unlock it, she has a key and has always let her self in, anyway I asked are you alone and she said no. PANIC!!!
She didn't bring her friend in but her friend could smell perfume and became suspicious and now she and her husband knows about my CDing. They say they are not going to say anything to anyone, yeah right. This morning my wife took all my stash away and said she had to because she felt guilty about enabling me, we went shopping together for most of it. I thought she was ok with my CDing, she said she was and everything seemed cool until now. I told her about this part of me back in January and after her getting over the shock she has been accepting. Now I'm depressed. Any advice.
Thanks,
Sheena

[Tracy_Victoria]

I read this post, and then wondered who had been betrayed!! Yep your girlfriend/wife has not acted well, but your last statement worries me.

I Maybe I should just leave start a new life somewhere else, get SRS and live the rest of my life the way I always wanted too. Any advice.

Have you told her your a TV or a TS. if she has gone along with your dressing and put her faith in you, trusted you, and then found out you want a sex change, her actions become a bit clearer. Certainly if you have implied your a TV, happy in the male role, and only do this occationally.

Basically the only answer is to talk, but maybe you need to look at your actions here, as much as hers

good Luck

[Caitlintgsd]

I don't think that taking off and severing the relationship is your only option. I went to gender counseling and took my wife along on some of the appointments. That helped her tremendously in figuring things out for herself. She also belongs to a SO group here that meets once a month. The group discusses their issues as spouses and SO's of CD's and T people. One of the rules is that nobody can bash. That's not what the group is about. Perhaps there are similar resources available in your area? I used to think about throwing my relationship out of the window as well, but not anymore.

[Julia Cross]

Hi Sheena,

If what has happened is because you have expressed interest in changing genders, well then she likely is quite upset. Not that it excuses the entrapment she pulled on you, but it does explain her anger especially if she married you without the knowledge of your transgender worries.

But if she knew about your transgender desires already, what can one say, the sort of behaviour your wife demonstrated is beyond childish, it's purposly hurtful and a direct attack on you. This is the last sort of behaviour one would expect from a spouse, someone who supposedly loves you. Honestly, I would not tolerate this in the least. OPne thing I have learned is that life is short and as far as we know, we only have the one to live. I for one would not tolerate taht behaviour and would make plans to move on, but that is me and I cannot tell you what to do. But I do feel you need to come to terms with her and at the very least she owes you one hell of an apology. I am totally shocked at her behaviour, your wife, your lover, the one person you should be able to trust and rely on.

Julia

[Kimberley]

Whoa there girl!!!! Way too fast, too many conclusions. Slow down and take a breath.

First, what your spouse did was wrong, dead wrong. That should be the first topic of concern. Secondly her removing your clothing is further punishment for her sudden disapproval. I would say that she has a problem here, that of open communication. She cannot say one thing and act another.

Personally I would have been very angry at this behaviour from her. (I would have refused to answer the door in the first place.)

I would suspect there is something else going on with her that she is not telling you about since she seemed okay with it in the beginning. You need to find that out first then go from there. Take some time to calm down then talk it out.

Kimberley.

[Tina Dixon]

Well leaving her may be a bit fast, but what she did by telling friends and bringing them over like that is out of line, I tell you what I would pin her ears back, no reason to put you in that position, and just because your married don't mean she can toss your stuff out.

[sheena]

ok I edited out that last statement. I'm talking from hurt and big disapointment. So just comment on the frist part. My wife knows all about me , we've talked alot and no this didn't come about because I now want SRS.

[Helen MC]

Looks as if you will have to get out of that relationship sooner or later. I think it is dreadful how she set you up in this way.

Examine all the possibilities but be prepared to split up if needs be. Best wishes to you.

[HaleyPink2000]

Sounds lik She is getting advice from other Girls! Also no Good advice.
I'd ask Her about it!

[Julia Cross]

Hi Sheena,

Having clarified that, I don't think you are in a healthy relationship. that sort vindictive trap she did is simply not one people do to each other. i would expect that from an enemy, not a spouse.

There are a lot more caring, understanding and appreciative women out there, why waste your life.

The more I think of it, would you even want to be associated with someone who behaves in such a manner. Decent people just don't do this sort of thing. If this is how she behaves towards you, the love has been lost long ago and replaced with bitterness and resentment bordering on deep dislike.

Julia

[Tanya]

We first off are here for a shoulder to cry on for each othe rlets not forget that . Telling the person asking a question about thinking of getting out of a relation ship i think is harmfull especially if they were not thinking of this in the first place. What you wife did is what most woman do a 180 as they call it . i think she feels embarrased at the fact that you might have been outed as they say . This removal of your attire is a defense mechanism on her part i think .try and talk with her but be very aware you might not like what you first hear initially but should get better in time . But be open with each other and respectfull to each other . love has no bounderies. There are many ways to skin a cat in that said look back at how both of you and i mean both of you acted or what was said and how it was said when she was supposed t be away and came home with a friend. When talking to her start from the start and dont get angry when the other person explains their frustration .


Keep an open mind and walk a mile in their shoes( no not litterally )

[HaleyPink2000]

My First Wife did crap like that to me. I did everything I could to hold the marriage together. Just speaking from my own past here. I was so blind because I loved Her. She got away with all kinds of things I should have been aware of. But as the saying goes " Love is blind". I did turn a blind eye at ever turn. I did not see it coming.

You are not seeing the complete picture here. For some reason it sounds like. She's got you at arms length. Not allowing you in. Ok that said, Seems She is getting info from other Girls that is being damaging to your marriage. It's an old story Hun. Women talk! Seems She brought them over on purpose to ridicule you. Maybe scare you to death, who knows what was in Her mind.


Evidently it sounds like a scheme that was put together by them. If so you need to find out why it was done. Corner the other couple one on one. Maybe they will fess up to it. Then again maybe they will just lie to you. Figure it out some how. Maybe for evidence for a Divorce etc. I’d be like finding out.

If your going to SRS that don't mean you have to divorce Her. A great movie is called Natural. Rent it.

[Lulie GG]

What your wife did was wrong - a nasty act.

But have you asked her why she is being so vendictive - perhaps shes hurting inside and trying to punish you.

Lulie

[Stormgirl]

wow that was really messed up of your wife to do that

[HaleyPink2000]

I'd love to have the people on the forum have a go at Her. Ask Her to check in here! Lets just talk to Her about Her side of this also! Why would She think She can treat you like a Child.

[sheena]

This is Sheena's wife. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I did I did as repentance.I don't want to feel responsible for seeing my husband destroy himself and I can't handle this burden alone even though he expects me to. I want him to get over being a cd and get on with life. We were having a beautiful relationship before he told me and I want that relationship back. I went along with it because I thought that was the loving thing to do but it is getting worse now. It seems to me that he can't function without it. I think I did the total wrong thing going along with it and since I went with him to get the stuff I got rid of the stuff I helped him to get. I told him if he wants to get it, he needs to get it without my help and he doesn't like that. He thinks I'm wanting him to tell the whole world even though I'm not. He thinks I betrayed a confidence and I didn't want this kind of confidence to betray. He thought we were having fun with it but I was gritting my teeth and bearing it out of love for him.

[EricaCD]

EDIT: Never mind. Sheena's wife apparently beat me to the post. Nothing more to say.

[Lilith Moon]

This is Sheena's wife. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I did I did as repentance.I don't want to feel responsible for seeing my husband destroy himself and I can't handle this burden alone even though he expects me to. I want him to get over being a cd and get on with life.

Dear Sheena's Wife,

You need to stop before any more damage is done...take some deep breaths...calm down...do some research on the topic. Listen to what people in here have to say...especially female partners of crossdressers. I'm sure they will be along with advice shortly. Good luck to both of you.

[Lulie GG]

I can understand your hurting, I've been there, still go there quite a lot, I shout and scream. A lot of wives yo-yo, and I feel for you but I must admit what you did was pretty below the belt especially bringing someone else into the argument.

If you love him enough then you maybe able to work through it, for me its been a year and I still don't want to really accept, yet we're together still working through it.

Talk to him.

Lulie

[Julia Cross]

Sheena's wife.

I am not sure how much you know about crossdressers, but this fact is true. Once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser. it will not go away, it is part of him. He can hide it for a while if you insist and he goes along, but it will nag away at him, he will become resentful and it will come back. If crossdressing is something you definately cannot tolerate, then you need to ask yourself if this is the right marriage for you as well.

And for the record, I speak from experience. My wife made this painful decision as well. And yes it was hard for us, and although I cannot speak for her, i am a much happier man now that I can be myself without fearing her disapproval.

Julia

[Marla S]

@Sheena's wife
To 99 % there is no cure for CDing. One has to deal with it.

Join the Private GG Forum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=13). The GGs here are most helpful and you can talk more openly about your feelings.

[~Kitty GG~]

I think that there are an awful lot of messed up relationships out there.

And with the CD/TS issues its easy for all the relationship issues to get blamed on that. From both sides.. The person with the gender issues is blaming all thier probs on the gender issues, particularly that they're not accepted. And the SO is blaming all the uncertainty and any behaviour they don't like on the gender issues.

I keep saying fix the relationship.. or accept that you're not a suitable match and allow both to move on.

Couples should be discussing the issues together first and foremost. Therapists, friends, forums, etc should be secondary.

The person with the gender issues should be striving to understand who they are so that they can present a reasonably accurate picture to the SO. They should be careful that other things aren't making the CD/TS issues worse for their partner.. an example is spending all thier time online.. and neglecting the partner. The partner is gonna resent the CDing and the CDers you're talking to.. not just ask you for more attention. Another big one here is the CD wanting the SO to be away a lot so they have the privacy to dress. What SO wants their love to prefer time away from them?

Now the SO needs to educate themself. Find out what gender identity issues are and what the possible outcomes are. And they need to separate the everyday complaints that all marriages have from the gender issues. They need to identify the personal issues they are facing because of their partner's GID. And bring those to the discussion. Honesty is important here. A problem that is hinted at or hidden behind some other issue is not going to be addressed properly. So an SO who is very worried about their place in the relationship should say that right out. Just asking "are you gay" does NOT address the issue.

From reading the posts on this forum I wonder at how little respect both partners show each other.

Is this really what you envisioned for the two of you? Is this what your SOs were hoping for when they signed on with you?

Is this what you want for the future?

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[uknowhoo]

Hi, Dr. Tammi here:o

I am so sorry that the two of you have wound up at this point. Perhaps Sheena's wife should have been more honest about her feelings about the CD'ing earlier (with herself and Sheena). Perhaps Sheena should have been a little more perceptive of her wife's true feelings. There are prolly alot of woulda coulda shoulda's to go around. The good news is that it's all (well, maybe not ALL all) out on the table now.

If you do still care about each other and your marriage, there is still hope. Even if you don't know right now how it might be possible to get through this, it's OK. You can make it through if you're sufficiently committed to making that happen. If it's worth it, great - and good luck to the two of you cuz it certainly will be challenging at times. If you're darn sure that it's not worth it, this might be the time to face that fact.

Either way, I sincerely wish all the best to both of you. I hope that however you decide to proceed, you can both move forward and treat yourselves, and each other, with the love and respect that you both deserve.

Love,

Tammi

[Julie Avery]

Sheena, I don't know that it gets discussed a lot, but I think what's happened to you is not too far out of the mainstream. "Acceptance" of crossdressing by a partner who didn't know about it at the commencement of the relationship can be a fragile thing, can and does turn into threats to expose, ridicule, etc, at bad moments. Lots of things that are later regretted from both sides happen at bad moments. I'd just say, "stay tuned for the long run", and see where this is going, before drawing any firm conclusions - though I agree, the incident is very troubling.

[ShortSkirt]

If what you said happened, was done intentionally by your wife to "out" you as a means of making you stop, I think that was mean and wrong. I know I'd never go out of my way to humiliate anyone that I was in a relationship with, no matter what the problem was, it's between the two of you, not your friends, not the neighbor's.

[sheena]

If what you said happened, was done intentionally by your wife to "out" you as a means of making you stop, I think that was mean and wrong. I know I'd never go out of my way to humiliate anyone that I was in a relationship with, no matter what the problem was, it's between the two of you, not your friends, not the neighbor's.
Trying to embarrass me into stopping.

[Janelle Young]

Dear Sheena's wife,

Welcome and I hope you stick around for a while.

First thing I want to respond to is that you are not handling this on your own, your husband is in there right along with you. Second thing is if you do a little research on Cross Dressing you will find that he can not get over it. I am sorry to say but it is the way that it is. Your initial support of what and who your husband is, as you yourself said, was the loving thing to do. Your husband has not changed, your perception of him has changed though. Perception is reality. You say you went along with it because you loved him. Well if you still have some love for him I would say you need to talk to him. Tell him what bothers you, what you do not like and what you are OK with. If you can talk with one another I think you can come to an understanding. What you can deal with and what he needs you can work out if the two of you can communicate with each other. If you can not deal with the fact that your SO is CD then it may be time to move on and let the other person go where they need to go. It sounds like you love this person though, and if you do talking with them is a good thing to do. I wish you all of the best and I do hope you can work this out.

[Momarie]

Please come and join the women in ~ GIRL TALK ~ who understand your perspective.
You might find some comfort there in what you have been feeling these past few months.

[JoannaDees]

At first I was ready to jump in and say how wrong it was for the wife to turn about in such a way, but reading her post, if it was her, helps me think of her issues. Lastly, I do believe Kathy GG said it perfectly. Do that, you'll find if the TG issue is workable.

[older not wiser]

This is Sheena's wife. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I did I did as repentance.I don't want to feel responsible for seeing my husband destroy himself and I can't handle this burden alone even though he expects me to. I want him to get over being a cd and get on with life. We were having a beautiful relationship before he told me and I want that relationship back. I went along with it because I thought that was the loving thing to do but it is getting worse now. It seems to me that he can't function without it. I think I did the total wrong thing going along with it and since I went with him to get the stuff I got rid of the stuff I helped him to get. I told him if he wants to get it, he needs to get it without my help and he doesn't like that. He thinks I'm wanting him to tell the whole world even though I'm not. He thinks I betrayed a confidence and I didn't want this kind of confidence to betray. He thought we were having fun with it but I was gritting my teeth and bearing it out of love for him.

As I can see it you didn't tell her(him) how you felt. that was deception also.
If I may suggest something, a counselor and a good one is really inorder here

[Dixie Darling]

Before you jump to conclusions about what a crossdresser is (or isn't) please take the time to visit my web site TOGETHER with your husband and read the material there Link is below). It's a CLEAN site so you won't find anything there to embarrass you, and you MAY find some information that will be of help to you. After you've read some of the material, if you decide you would like to know more, please email me and I'll send you a draft copy of what will probably be the next addition to the site. I think you would find it to be quite informative.

Also, keep in mind that THIS forum is here to help YOU, as well as your husband so please DO ask questions.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[VtVicky]

I heard a couple of things in the earlier posts that concern me. The first was the reference to Sheena's wife's attendance at a 3 day "women's retreat". The second thing was the use of the term "enabler". And the third was Sheena's wife referring to her actions as "repentance".

For those of you not familiar with the "enabler" term, it is used most commonly in regard to alcohol and substance abuse. It refers to the behavior of the SO of the abuser that enables, or encourages, the abuser to continue the substance abuse. It is a significant part of the therapy of a substance abuser to assist the SO in changing the enabling behavior.

I know I may be speculating way too much, but if my concerns are anywhere near the facts, Sheena, and Sheena's Wife need to slow down a bit. If, in fact, Sheena's wife is getting counseling from a source that is treating this problem along the lines of the 12 step model of substance abuse treatment, she is getting a serious disservice.

In the best of light, it may simply be someone who knows nothing about CDing trying to use the only tools they have to help her deal with the problem. Unfortuneately, her behavior is also suggestive of getting counseling from one of the many religious groups who believe they are sanctioned by God to use any techniques available, (including aggressive embarrassment), to do God's will as they see it.

To equate Crossdressing and/or Gender Identity Disorder with substance abuse is a serious mistake, and generally made by amateurs.

Now, if there is a substance disorder occuring parallel to the CDing disorder, (possibly as a way for the crossdresser to self medicate as a way to deal with the stress of CDing.), that needs to be separated from the crossdressing, and dealt with as an inefficient coping mechanism.

In any case, both of them need to see someone who is experienced in CDing. This whole area is very complicated, and needs to be handled by professionals when there is this level of difficulty in the marriage.

[sierracd6]

I beleive shw should of asked if you were O.K. with that...she was way out of line...big time...she should have told you she talked to someone....obviously she told them or someone before this happened....you two need to sit down like adults and seriously talk about this. And forgivness will be hard for you...been there......especially if she accepted you and went shopping with you....I feel for ya....good luck

[Tina Dixon]

Sheena's wife you need to join under your own name for me to believe in this post any more.

[livy_m_b]

Like Tina, I'm not sure we're really hearing from Sheena's wife. But even if we're not, I'm really not into wife bashing. I think that a fundamental part of selfawareness has to be appreciating that many ggs just don't want a relationship with a cd/tg/ts - that orientation is as much genetic/normal/natural for them as being cd/tg/ts is for us. It's wonderful that so many are able to come to deal with it as well as they do. Also, it seems that Sheena and sheena's wife are in an opening phase of dealing with this as a couple - swings in behavior are normal. We purge - why shouldn't spouses have that right too? There's something that's not clear about the idea of sheena's wife bringing a gg friend to the home and then the reference to her and her husband knowing. But, anyhow, taking the part of Sheena's wife, I'd also agree that it's fair for her not to want to think that she is somehow responsible for sheena's condition - she has no obligation to help - if sheena wants clothing, she should take responsibility for dealing with getting them - that's part of coming to deal with who she is also. We can tell sheena's wife that she isn't responsible etc., but it is really very confusing at the beginning.

Speaking from my own experience and what I've learned from it, I can say that being cd/tg/ts makes many of us very manipulative people - we can bring a lot of pressure to bear on people who love us to assist us in this behavior - give us an inch and we take a mile - it's really not fair. and it's something that we need to be aware of and bring under control.

It seems like there's a lot we don't know. I hope Sheena's wife does come here and talk to the other ggs in the private channel - I'm confident that tamara and the other ggs give a needed perspective on things, and also that they can sort out whether they're really dealing with the wife.

I think this sounds critical of sheena but I'm really being critical of my own earlier behavior more than being critical of hers - and just saying - let's be a little more selfaware. It's not an easy path.

:hugs:

Olivia

[Kate Simmons]

I agree with Kitty. Time consumption and the amount of time dedicated to your femme self is definately an issue. At least it was with my wife. She questioned the amount of time I spent with the "other woman". Her thing was what was more important to me, my femme self or her. A lot of wives can accept those feelings in you like mine did but didn't like the fact that I was so comfortable going out and mingling with people as Ericka. Talking to any third party is okay as a sounding board, but in the final analysis, it's between you and your wife. Face it, she married a man and that's what she expected. Not a man who wears dresses and makeup. If you do talk and come to some kind of agreement, make sure you can handle your part of the bargain whatever you decide to do. I know, I learned the hard way. Ericka

[FionaAlexis]

I feel for both of you. I have only a couple of thoughts.

The first is that it can take a long time for a partner to come to terms with this sort of TG revelation - so I think you were a bit naive to assume things were going swimmingly and that the applecart wouldn't get upset at some point.

The second is that reading between the lines - you seem to me to be a long, long way from even contemplating SRS. You need to get your feet back on the ground and think things through a bit.

Sounds like a bit of counselling may be in order.

Fiona xx

[Emily Ann Brown]

BEEN THERE DONE THAT !!!!! Wife and I are surviving not because either of us is happy about our situation, but because we looked at a marriage that has lasted longer than many of you have been alive and decided we don't want to grow old apart. I have compromised a lot......she has compromised a little.....things can't go back to the way they were, but we are trying to rebuild based on our love and respect for one another.

Emily Ann

[Jean GG]

I can't handle this burden alone even though he expects me to.

I went along with it because I thought that was the loving thing to do but it is getting worse now.

He thought we were having fun with it but I was gritting my teeth and bearing it out of love for him.

To Sheena's Wife: I can relate to you! My husband is a cd and although I found out a few years ago, we both ASSUMED what was convenient for ourselves without communicating openly and honestly. Hence the communication completely broke down couple of years ago...and we almost did too!

My husband feels cd is a burden on him...I made him understand that I feel it's a burden on me too...something he knew but did NOT stop to think about. I tried to do the loving thing too...but the more I gave, the more he asked for. We stopped having fun.

This forum has helped me realized that I did a lot for him AND THAT I SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED CREDIT FOR THAT...more consideration and patience with what I too was going through.

We both made mistakes. Now we both realize them and are working more closely and intimately to resolve them. Recently I asked him HOW LONG it took him to accept his cd and why he would have expected me to accept it in a much much shorter period of time.

Sooo...if you did all that you say you did...take a little break, learn more about it by reading as many postings here as you possibly can by going back as many months/years as you can...AND THEN SIT DOWN AND RE-NEGOTIATE the deal!

I read a few books when I first found out but I now feel that they were written more from the male perspective. So, if you need both perspectives like I did, or if you wish to draw your own conclusions, read and ask questions here. Jean

[Tracy_Victoria]

This is Sheena's wife. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I did I did as repentance.I don't want to feel responsible for seeing my husband destroy himself and I can't handle this burden alone even though he expects me to. I want him to get over being a cd and get on with life. We were having a beautiful relationship before he told me and I want that relationship back. I went along with it because I thought that was the loving thing to do but it is getting worse now. It seems to me that he can't function without it. I think I did the total wrong thing going along with it and since I went with him to get the stuff I got rid of the stuff I helped him to get. I told him if he wants to get it, he needs to get it without my help and he doesn't like that. He thinks I'm wanting him to tell the whole world even though I'm not. He thinks I betrayed a confidence and I didn't want this kind of confidence to betray. He thought we were having fun with it but I was gritting my teeth and bearing it out of love for him.

Firstly your husband is not distroying himself, nor are the rest of us, the fact we are doing something some people don't and can't understand, does not make it wrong! Sadly also being told to stop doesn't work, I've told my SO many times that I love to Crossdress, but if there was a magic pill to take to cure me, I'd take it for her, but there isn't. this is a brain thing, a felling and a desire, there is no cure, it the same as being a good person or a bad person, you can have a pride in your action and respect for other, yet some simply dont. they have no respect.

the fact you don't wish to support his crossdressing is clear, but that is no reason to rebuke him, or belitte him to friends and family. if you can't resolve the differences between yourself, bringing in outsides will only add more problems to your already overflowing pot of trouble. you both have to realise that sometimes there is no resolve and there is no answer, and if all is lost, then it is lost. Hurting each other is not going to improve, or aid the situation, a lost cause is a lost cause, but please don't make it a WAR!

It seems to me that he can't function without it.

Some can't other can, but most of us lear to live with that in our lives and live our lifes, to most crossdressing is a very small part of the whole thing, but everybody is different. as are our goals, dreams, and desires.

He thinks I betrayed a confidence and I didn't want this kind of confidence to betray. He thought we were having fun with it but I was gritting my teeth and bearing it out of love for him.

in a way, you did betray him, as you clearly didn't tell him the truth, which is the most important thing in any relationship. there built on trust, honesty, and love. sometimes the fact that we love someone, doesn't mean we have to conform to there rules or desires, but if we give indication of bending to them, yet deep down we are hating it, then a situation like this inevitable, as is the out come, such as your reaction.

sadly your husband is not broken nor can he be fixed, but sometimes we do things for others which are difficult to understand ourselves. My SO continues to struggle to accept me, and I'm so grateful to her for every inch she climbs, but Iknow she will never understand this diesire I have, and the reason she never will, is because I don't understand it myself!!!!

I'm 45, I have a loving wife, a family, a good job, and interest I enjoy, I have reasonable health, I'm not rich, but I can enjoy what I have, why the hell do I want to dress up as a girl! I honestly don't know, nor can i give you and answer as most here could not tell you why also, all we know is we are mentally programed to do this, be it throught our Genes, or mental or even sexual triggers, but as to why, sorry I don't have a clue.

gritting your teeth, to see you through is not the way forward, but niether is expecting him to stop when you say so, this thing just doesn't work like that.
love and trust, affection and love can see people through this, if they have a desire to understand, and standby the one they love. yet if your filled with dread, you might get through, but if you have a loathing and more, nothing will ever put that right.

[sheena]

Thank you girls for your responce's. Yes, Sheena's wife is really my wife. I'm hoping when she reads this post sometime this morning she will be encouraged to use her own account and follow thru with asking questions here in this forum. She didn't throw away my things but hid them out and now has returned them and told me that I can do what I want but she' s not going to be apart of any of it anymore. I'm real reluctent to express this part of me around her anymore and guess I shouldn't, back to the closet? Silly, but I just want to cry.
Thanks,
Sheena

[Julia Cross]

Sheena, I am really soory to hear about your difficulties. I know it's not easy and that looking forward is difficult.

Having been there, that is no way to live. As others have mentioned, seek counsiling, do not avoid communicating with each other over this sensitive issue and try to come to terms with where both of you are today and where you want to go, both in life and relationship. Life is too short to be living a lie.

Julia

[Jillian310]

I am very curious as to what the nature of that retreat was. Was it a religious retreat that preached CDing is some kind of a sin? Why did the retreat trigger the wife's behavior?

[Helen MC]

I stick by my original opinion. This marriage is now fatally flawed and at best can be temporarily patched up. Put both parties out of their misery and bring it to as clean an end as possible.

[GypsyKaren]

I've been watching this thread with interest, and there's just one thing I'm curious about. Sheena, if your wife has her own account like you just said, why did she post on your account? Just curious, is all.

Karen

[Momarie]

I don't think sheena's wife deserves any lectures on honesty.
It's a very complicated issue for women too....

She did give your things back and I think that is very symbolic.
She did bring in someone else into a very private thing between you two and not in a way that anyone would condone and she did own up to it and publicly apologize, but then you brought it in here for all of us to see and she read the unvarnished truths of how other Cd's felt about her.

She's alone with all this and you are getting a lot of support in here because after all it is a Cross Dresser's Forum.

But this whole thing of eventually being found out and the painful aftermaths are felt by all.
It's not her fault, it's not your fault.....it just happens.
It's a lot for a woman to take in, to try and understand...not just where you are coming from and have suffered but it is a monumental shift in her life as well.
She needs your comfort and reassurance of your love for her and the life you have shared.
Not someone feeling sorry for himself and giving up because she is not ready to give you exactly what you want right now.

[joanlynn28]

I just want to weigh in my two cents worth here too. I am in a similar position. When my wife found out about my CDing I came clean on the issue. I told here that I would seek consuling about it but the first time she went to see the consuler she got all upset. One of the receptionist at the medical center told her if you husband is CD he is not going to change his behavour. I sought consuling to but the therapist that I saw was preatty naive when it comes to this issue. I ended up being in a sexual addiction program for 28 days which did not help me overcome this. To put it bluntly my relationship with my wife of over eight years is going to end up in divorce. For one I can not stay in a relationship where my every action is going to be suspect and the understandable lack of trust is just too much for me to take. To not be able to live my life as Joan is just too much for my to take. Since I have been on my own I have found a new inner peace now that I am able to express myself as I truely am. I have come to the conculsion that I am not a sex addict, but that I surely am a TS and am on the way to make that come to a reality. The more I look into it the more I know that it is sure. And my current threrapist has seen the change in my attitude and self acceptance now that I have come out of the closet and into the light of day. Some may say that I am being totally self centered and selfish about my behavoir, but at least now I feel like a whole person, I not have to put up a false front to others. And finally I have determined today that I am living 70% of the time as a woman now. And I feel great about that, it just feels natural to me it is the way God intended me to be.

[Ipexx2]

Would you stop doing some thing that made you feel good? If he told you. Becuase hate seeing you that way and he likes the old you?

[sheena]

GypsyKaren
My wife had an account but never used it and I guess was deleted she has reestablished that account and was going to answer this post this morning but wasn't aloud too, I guess still too new. So tomarrow I hope and I hope she plugs in with other SO's. At first, when I was educating myself she would read articles I would find and read my posts.
Jillian310 & GG Vanya
Christian retreat but I don't think the subject of CD was any part of it.

[Ipexx2]

GypsyKaren
My wife had an account but never used it and I guess was deleted she has reestablished that account and was going to answer this post this morning but wasn't aloud too, I guess still too new. So tomarrow I hope and I hope she plugs in with other SO's. At first, when I was educating myself she would read articles I would find and read my posts.
Jillian310 & GG Vanya
Christian retreat but I don't think the subject of CD was any part of it.
Christian retreat. You doom. With that I mean your feeling and life are going to mean very little. Plus your always going to be wrong. Start packing if ever going happy with shelf. It s always going but her and not you it seems?

[KrazyKat]

Sheena and Sheena's wife, :hugs: :hugs:

For both of you!! The fact that you are both actively seeking information shows me that you do love each other very much!! The fear of the unknown, and what you can do about it, is a very strong, strong emotion. A short 18 months ago, I didn't know anything much, let alone that my loving husband had battled with this for 50 years!! I did go through a short period, also, of thinking this was something that could be changed, 2 weeks or less is very short compared to 45 years my SO went through this. However, I had a lot more information in that timespan and no fear of being rejected by everyone on earth. I could logically understand the difference this could make, and I saw the wondrous joy the first time my soulmate saw the reflection of beauty in the mirror. I'm so glad I was open minded enough to share this!! This humbled me to tears! Something I'll never forget!
MY 0.02 , get all the info you can, talk, talk, talk, more info, talk, sometimes gender therapists can help, talk, talk, there's always time for a divorce, but, from my own experience, if this person is your soulmate, truly, you'll find away. I'd, personally, rather be sure, because I'm eternally grateful I didn't give up, even when I thought I couldn't go on, I'm glad I've stuck it out!! The rewards have been better than I could've dreamed, I have a best friend for life!! :thumbsup: Just sharing my thoughts!!
KrazyKat

[DonnaT]

I surely hope you two can work it out Sheena.

Note that mistakes were made by both parties, as you're only human. No one really knows if the action they've chosen is the right one. Especially if the shoice is made out of despiration.

Whats nice is, you do have the capability to forgive each other and start working on a relationship that includes the CDing.

It's important that you both realize that the relationship WILL include CDing. Doesn't matter if one party tries to hide it, or the other party tries to deny it (like an ostrich with their head in the sand), you know it's part of the relationship. Because there is no known cure for the CDing.

Hopefully you can work out a compromise that will work to the benefit of both of you. No ultimatums. Ultimatums can be the beginning of the end.

You know, Sheena, if it were me, and my wife brought someone home like that, I'd have invited them in for tea. I'm quite comfortable with myself, and not ashamed nor embarrassed to be known as or seen as a CD. Just saying:)

[FrankieJ GG]

This makes me sad, I can only hope that you understand that you are most important here. Obviously your marriage is very important as well, you made vows to each other. Maybe those are something to think about as well, on your wifes part. Its really aweful that she gave you her blessing and is now trying to tear away something that is so much a part of you. I have only begun to understand the CDing, but something I do know is that I accepted my SO CDing and I know that I can never change that part of him. I think that your wife needs to stop and think about what some of the people here have said for example, once a dresser always one. Thats how I see it even though I am not on that side of it. You do this because it makes you feel good, makes you feel beautiful. She needs to continue to let you have that feeling. I am a part of Tylie's (my SO) CDing and am very happy to be. Would she really rather push you away, and would you really let her? Sheena, this is you, you cant change YOU. You love your wife, she loves you right? Well Sheena, once again, YOU ARE YOU. I hope she can understand that the best thing for her to do right now is learn to understand you. I know its has to be hard being that she has really betrayed your trust by bringing someone into your very private life and trying to make you stop this. But love really does conquer all so its sit down time for the two of you, dont just continue to hurt each other. Decide if you can live this life together. And dont expect yourself to feel like you can change this part of you. If anything I do understand that this is something that is just as much a part of you as your non femme self is.

Best wishes to you
Frankie

[sheena]

Hi again and thanks once again the comments continue to be very encouraging and my wife will be on soon I hope and read them. Last night she brought home a "peace offering" as she called it, a new pair of pantyhose for me. She is really trying to work this out I think but is getting bad advice from others now. People who want to help me but don't know anything. I didn't know 180 turn about was a possibility so now I'm sort of walking on eggs as they say. Her account should be working now and she will use her account to answer, don't know why some here think I was making this up.
Sheena

[Krissi]

Sheena, I know a lot of us have condemned your wife for the ambush, and I agree whole heartedly, but won't :dh: Sounds like bad advice, and being someone that has been taking an active role in some church activities lately, it does sound like some self rightousness on their part.

Now the advice I will give to both of you is about acceptance. As I have found on here, a lot of times when a wife finds out about her husband CDing you either have the big blow up or some form of acceptance/support. Now the misunderstanding here usually falls on us. We'll take anything thats not a screaming yelling match as full blown permission to be as femme as possible. What our wives are thinking is usually more long the lines of I'll tolerate this quirky lil habit of his because I love him and maybe he'll get bored with it.

Even if she buys you somethings, maybe even helps you get dressed sometimes she can still be tolerating instead of accepting. I don't know how to tell you to tell the difference, because I think a lot of this is on a case by case basis.

Communication is the key. Tolerance isn't always a bad thing, and acceptance isn't always a good thing. My advice would be to slow down and rebuild the foundation for the relationship. Both of you overreacted and done things that could destroy everything you've had. When that happens you don't need patchwork, you need to rebuild. Sheena, that may mean for you, very limited dressing time, Mrs. Sheena for you that may mean learning to stretch your beliefs and tuning out certain people. To me, its always been easy to tell who is giving advice in my best interest, verses someone giving me advice off of what they want to be my best interest.

[Momarie]

Ladies,

After just reading Sheena's wife first thread under "Christian"GG.
I gotta say I am shocked and am here to tell you I had this one ALL WRONG.

My apologies to you all and to Sheena.

[Momarie]

Sheena,

It's one thing for a woman to struggle in coping with this......
But it's a whole other thing, when she tries to make you feel ashamed.
There is no shame in this.

For your own self preservation, you might find a compassionate Dr. to negate some of the stuff you are hearing at home and maybe some anti-depressants to take the edge off the darkness.

You're fine Sheena.

[purple_spider GG]

Hi
First of all what I have noticed is that you wife has taken your clothes because she says she feels guilty about 'enabling you'. This implies that she is blaming herself for your gender dysphoria; that somehow she is responsible for your GD and now she feels it is her duty to save you from it. To me I think that this demonstrates that your wife lacks knowledge and information about gender identity disorder, transgenderism, etc!

To resolve this you need to tell her everything, stop hiding things and be absolutely honest with her. If you intend to do more than just cross dress then you should tell her. You also need to let her see that just because you have come out as transgender it does not change who you are inside, in fact you are still the same person she married it's just that she has now something else about you to deal with as well.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Cherry Lynn]

They both need help.

[sheena]

p.s. we do discuss this alot and at the moment we are doing fine.
Thanks
Sheena

[Lulie GG]

:wall: doesn't help the cause does it.