Which option is better?

[Lisa Maren]

Hi everyone

I'm working on garnering up the nerve to tell my mother about me. The catch is that I'm confused as to what gender I am -- or whether it's actually confusion I'm feeling as opposed to, say, denial. I have picked out a therapist that I would like to see who specializes in this (and has for 30 years).

What all of this means is that if I tell my mother I'm probably TG but turn out to be wrong then she will have worried needlessly about a great many things. However, if I only tell her (for now, that is) that I'm crossdressing again then she may feel I've been deceptive and perhaps worry that I may be TG. So, do you think I should:

A) Tell my mother everything that I know of and understand so far and that there is a therapist I wish to see who specializes in crossdressing and transsexualism (i.e. I have someone specific picked out).

B) Tell my mother only that I'm crossdressing again and that because I would like to understand myself as fully as possible I have picked out a therapist I'd like to see who specializes in crossdressing.

One last thing: I may be able to get an "intake appointment" with the therapist while my parents are out of town (I'm living with them for a while). This may be of help in that I would have at least some preliminary thoughts from an experienced therapist. Then again, it may also be viewed as a deception.

I don't know which way to go on this one, really. Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks everyone!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Barb Valentine]

0.02

You can tell your mother that you are confused about how you feel
And that a therapist maybe able to help
Then take it from there

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Lisa,

Good news and Bad news...

Bad news first: You're transgender - accept it. :( There is no 'maybe' about it.

If you weren't TG, then you wouldn't be here posting this, you wouldn't be 'confused' as to your gender and probably wouldn't be crossdressing.

Now the good news: You're transgender. ;)

All those confusing feelings, jumbled emotions, the lifetime of wondering 'what the hell is wrong with me' - now you know why.


Seriously, if you were 'a man' in the stereotypical sense, you wouldn't be looking for a gender therapist and there wouldn't be anything to tell your parents. You would be a guy, doing the 'guy' thing - end of story. Instead, you crossdress, come here to be with others who crossdress and who 'get' where you're coming from. I don't even think you're in denial - just scared. For people like us, self acceptance can be a scary thing.

If you haven't seen it, have a look at this thread I posted a while back on Self Acceptance (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=393330). It's basically how I came to terms with all of this.


Something to keep in mind: Just because you're Transgender does not mean that you have to do anything.


Let us know how things go and good luck!


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Ebonee_Tgirl]

I agree with the post about good news bad news you are TG, however that is really for you to come to realize yourself. My question is do you feel you HAVE to tell you Mom anything at this moment? Wouldn't it be better to wait until you are more comfortable with who you are? Maybe do the therapy for awhile first. Just a thought.

Good luck

[Katrina]

My pdoc told me this when I asked the very same question: wait. Wait until you know exactly what you are. Telling them you are TS (I agree with Ms Donna - you ARE TG) would be a mistake if you decide that you are actually just a CDer. Telling them you are a CDer will make them go though the pain twice if you decide that you are TS later.

[Teresa Amina]

If you weren't TG, then you wouldn't be here posting this, you wouldn't be 'confused' as to your gender and probably wouldn't be crossdressing.
Something to keep in mind: Just because you're Transgender does not mean that you have to do anything.

I agree with Donna but it sounds like you need someone like a therapist to reassure yourself about where you stand. Go with 'B'

[Stlalice]

Lisa,
I'd strongly recomend that you folow a slightly different option B - most definitely get the counseling and work out who and what you are, learn to accept yourself as who you are, and ONLY then tell your parents about it. In the mean time if you are forced to say anything - say only that you are seeing a therapist to work out some personal problems and that when you are ready to talk that they will be the first ones you talk to - in the long run you will save a lot of potential pain for both you and them. Take your time and do it right - once you have "come out" in many ways there is no going back - so give yourself and your therapist the time to work out the best way to tell your folks about who you really feel yourself to be - Good luck and let us know how you come out. :thumbsup:

[Clare]

My question is do you feel you HAVE to tell you Mom anything at this moment? Wouldn't it be better to wait until you are more comfortable with who you are? Maybe do the therapy for awhile first.I have to agree with Ebonee. Sort out your own feelings first, because when you do tell your Family, they'll have lots of questions and you'll need to be able to give them coherent answers rather than say 'i'm confused'. If you're confident about youself, others will see that too.

[Sarah Smile]

My pdoc told me this when I asked the very same question: wait. Wait until you know exactly what you are. Telling them you are TS (I agree with Ms Donna - you ARE TG) would be a mistake if you decide that you are actually just a CDer. Telling them you are a CDer will make them go though the pain twice if you decide that you are TS later.

I agree with Katrina here. I think the only occasion I could think of where it might be ok to tell her about it now is if she is a very open-minded, understanding, accepting person, you can just be completely honest and say you're not sure and that you need to investigate these things and take time to figure yourself out. In other words, only if she would be ok with the uncertainty you are going through. Some people don't handle uncertainty well. All in all, I think it's safer to wait until you've figured things out for yourself better.

[CharlaineCadence]

I cannot tell you how or when to tell them but I will tell you this
see the theripest tell your parents that you need to see one to sort out some stuff your not ready to talk to them abiut. learn about yourself and then decide if you are ready to tell them. DO NOT RUSH THE OUTCOME.

[Danielle1960]

Talk with your thearapist about all of this and after a few week she or he will be able to help you decide the best way to approach the subject with your mother. Rushing in will only gereate regrets as you wish you would have hanled something different. If you decide you are a TG and that is your life your mother will be there to help you. If you decide your a TG but not going to live the life, she will be there too. There is a possiblity that you will decide that your not and you will be able to use her then too.
Danielle

[Lisa Maren]

Thanks for all of your replies!

I agree that I am transgendered, at least somewhere in that spectrum between the middle and the female end. I consider that a good thing, however, so no worries about it being bad news.

I also agree that I really should know what in the h3ll to tell them before I tell them. lol

I was going to try to set up an appointment with the therapist while my parents are out of town in June but something's come up and I can't do it. :rolleyes: I was hoping to at least get the "intake appointment" taken care of then. Oh well, I'll have to figure out something else. Let me just put on my "thinking wig". lol

Hugs,
Lisa