Do you wish you never told her?

[Sandygal]

Hi everybody. By telling my wife my greatest secret, I may have lost the only lover I Have ever had. She was my high school sweetheart and we have been married for 28 years, I have never strayed. I have left her many hints, I would rather go clothes shopping with her than to watch the superbowl. I really hurt her by letting her know I crossdress. She cried and said I was the best friend she ever had. There was something missing, she didn't say she loved me. My heart is broke. She said that we should not see counselers, people allways break up when they see counselers. I pray that means she wants to work it out. I so wish I could go back to living life as a lie and take back that secret..........Thanks for listening..Sandygal:(

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Sandy

I'm so sorry you're having problems about this, the truth should always be a good thing. I know I gambled big when I came out to my wife and to the world, and so far it's working out quite well for me. The way I feel about it now is this; I'd rather suffer in the truth than rejoice in the lies. I really hope you two can work this all out, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen

[Janelle Young]

I had a girlfriend that I liked a lot and I told her. She did the freak and is no longer my girlfriend. I am sorry to have lost her but glad I am now comfortable with myself to be able to have told her.

[livy_m_b]

Sandy, I'm sorry you're having to go thru this rough time but I think her comments show that she really doesn't want to lose the relationship either. When you first tell your spouse, it takes time to digest. She may wonder what it means about her and about the way you related to her including your sexual relationship and about what it will mean for the future. Since you describe yourself as crossdressing and say nothing about any desire to transition or change sex that's important if true to communicate to her. She will be wondering about that and will wonder about it even if you tell her you have no intentions of going that way. If you are a crossdresser (as opposed to transsexual-inclined), that will let you reaffirm that your sexual desires are and continue to be heterosexual - that you love her as a man loves a woman even if you crossdress. Others will tell you about all the information, books etc. that are out there. Some of those can be very useful to help her put you in perspective but for you to be put in perspective you need to be attentive to her questions, not overload her with self disclosure - as she absorbs information new questions will occur to her and you will need to respond honestly to them. But, overall, I don't have the sense that things are over between you or that she wants them to be. When you reveal something that seems so big to someone lots of thoughts come to mind - why didn't you tell me before is a big one - and you are uncertain if the person you are dealing with is the same person you thought you loved - that in itself can explain why she didn't say she loved you. It's really important to take time and talk talk talk - don't try to force any resolution - forced resolutions are not stable - just be attentive and responsive and reassuring that you're really the same person who's always loved her if that is true as it seems to be.

:hugs:

Olivia

[DonnaT]

No, I'm not sorry I told my wife. That was about 30 yrs ago, BTW. Wish I knew then what I know now and told her beforehand, however.

Sandy, it sounds as though your wife does love you. She may have not said it at the time because of the shock and awe of your revalation. You're a big person, and even though she's seen you dressed for Halloween, it still comes as a shock that you like to CD.

I'd suggest you just talk to each other and be help each other learn more about CDing. If it gets to a point where the marriage is in trouble, then a conselor would be called for.


My problem is that I don't know if I'm just a cross dresser or If it goes farther than that. Many times when I get to make a wish, I wish I was a girl. I'm 6'3" and 225lbs and yet when I'm by myself, I feel so feminine.
You may want to seek counseling from a gender therapist, however. You'll need to work out your thoughts with respect to where you are on the transgender spectrum if you still think this way. That is, if it wasn't the euphoria talking.

[gennee]

I am in the same boat, Sandy. I told my wife a couple of months back. She was calm, but she does not approve. From what I am reading, your wife loves and want to stay with you. You have too much invested together. I have been married 26 years and I still love her. It will take time for her to digest, but I believe things will work out in the end.

Gennee

[SherriePall]

Sandy -- There are times I wonder why I told my wife nearly seven years ago, but on the whole I'm glad I did. From what you have told us, it's too soon to despair. Actually, your wife sounds like she is taking it better than mine did. Hang in there. Go easy. Make sure you let her know that you love her.

[EricaCD]

Agreed! That's not the sound of a woman who cannot possibly be made to accept this part of you. Take it slow. All you can do at this point is try to help get her through the shock and hurt, to something that resembles acceptance. (Hell, introduce her to my wife if yours will join here!)

Erica

[Breanne]

She said that we should not see counselers, people allways break up when they see counselers. I pray that means she wants to work it out.
As wrong as this impression is (about conselers), it does give a very strong indication of where her heart really is, she does not want to break up.
I agree with all the other remarks given above.
Good luck, and go slow.

[Jenn2716]

Hi Sandy,
I know its a tough time right now, but the best thing you can do for the both of you is to just let her deal with it. Once the shock wears off a little make sure you keep the communication open with her and let her know that you still love her and that won't change. Once she realizes that, then its just a matter of finding a balance that you are both comfortable with.

Hang in there.

[Faye Emmette]

Hiya Sandy,
So sad that your decision to reveal your secret has caused you grief. If you and your wife do have deep and meaningful discussion on the topic, and you suggest her have a look at this site, this thread might be a good starter for her.
A Happy Wife:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31006
It is almost a balance to your post and perhaps ease some of her fears.
XX
F.

[Sandygal]

:) Thank you to everyone who answered my call for help. I had a tough week since this weekend and I'm sure it's been even rougher for my wife. She is one great lady. I work alone with my own working routes every day and I have very few people to talk to. So that leaves me with a lot of time to think and sometimes that's not good. I had to talk to other people that have gone through this emotional roller coaster ride also. Thank you for the wonderfull support, you are all 10's in my book.
Bless you all
Sandygal:)

[nancy58]

Your wife is wrong that people who go to counselors always break up. My wife and I went to a counselor for a number of months 11 years ago, well before CDing ever became an issue, and we're still together and happy, even after I added *this* to the equation a year ago.

Insist on seeing a counselor, and whether or not you do it, *talk* to her and *listen* to her.

Nancy

[~Dee~]

the best things ive done in my life is marry my wife, and tell her about me.

things have not always been peachy keen with us .. and we had a little bit of a transition time once i told her as i know she had many fears and assumptions that just came straight to the surface once i told her.

but after those fears were put to rest .. and the assumptions discarded for fact - things have been so perfect, its hard to believe this is actually living.

im sorry that your start was a bit shakey .. but when i read your post .. i dont see a hopeless situation .. i mean, your wife didnt walk out on you and never see you again .. yes, she was shocked and cried .. but then she wants to work through it.

and as for not telling her .. i know that if i loved my wife with all my heart, id have to tell her something like this. i wouldnt want to be sneaking around behind her back about it all.

my wife, ~Kitty GG~ is on her final year of her counselling course, so in that sense i know that im a bit biased to the whole counselling process .. BUT - shes been able to help me a lot .. been able to let me see what it is that im trying to tell myself and i come out much happier on the other side ..
and i know that she has helped other people in the same manner ..
a counsellor isnt going to just break up your marriage and send you on your way .. they are there to help you two to make sense of things .. sure, it might be possible to do this on your own via communication with your wife .. but i feel that the counsellor is there as a fail safe .. so if something becomes a little misunderstood - then they are there to help get things back on track. which hopefully makes the whole experience a lot shorter .. and you get to be where you want to be sooner.

0.02

i wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[raksha GG]

Speaking as a GG, I'd suggest she's perhaps in shock and trying to get her head around an awful lot of 'stuff'. I agree with the others, she certainly doesn't sound as if she wants 'out' but perhaps needs to understand how this is going to affect her and her future lifestyle (us GG's can be selfish too sometimes you know ;)) I'd suggest a book - My Husband Betty as a good start. It illustrates very well the wide spectrum of CD behaviour and perhaps can open up a discussion between you about just *how* you want to involve her and what she feels she can tolerate at the moment. Remind her that you love her very much, and hope you both want to continue this relationship. Remember communication is the key - but choose your moment well - not when she's rushing to get ready for work, but when you are both calm and relaxed, and keep it that way - if the conversation starts to get angry, call a halt and agree to talk about it again soon. This is not going to go away, but if you can reach a mutual level of acceptance, there is hope for going forward and remember those goal posts should be moveable in both directions - if she finds a level too much, then back off a little.

For me, the most important aspect of learning to accept has been to make the extra effort to make anything to do with Tracy Victoria a positive experience for me by making sure that is a small reward in it for me - choclate and wine are good ones ;) and to tackle it in little baby steps by doing fun relaxed things together - for instance I've put her make up on for her, I've helped her analyse her wardrobe (when she wasn't wearing it) I've painted her toenails (the kids haven't asked about that one yet - but it's been so nice to be able to do something for Tracy and not have to worry too much about hiding it - if they do ask, mine are also painted in the same shade, so we were just 'messing about', and as we have very much that sort of relationship, hopefully it will help them realise it's not something to be ashamed about.) I've seen her in a wig, but that was a step too far, so we have backed off that stage.

The most important thing is don't let her believe all CD'ers are the same, and not all wives are the same, so what is pushing the boundaries for one wife, will be a breeze for another.

HTH and wishing you both lots of love for the future.

[Helen MC]

That is why I have always told a woman up front at the start of any relationship and if she can't accept me as I am, a panty wearing occasional indoor CD then that is the end of it. I won't change and if she is hostile the whole relationship is doomed to failure. I also steer clear of any "religious" type of woman, in particular those who are into "Born Again" or "Fundi" type beliefs and they are usually brainwashed by their Church and will be hostile to CDs because they are told to be.

[FionaAlexis]

So is it only a week ago since you told your wife, Sandy?

If so, it will still take quite some while for her to process this information - to adjust and come to terms with the new reality. You may wish to hadn't told her now but you can't 'unsay' it. You just have to give her some time and space and continue to communicate and reassure her. She may not want to attend joint counselling but she may be happy to seek out her own counsellor to help her deal with this.

You too may have to adjust to the new relationship which may change markedly - and the liklihood that your cd-ing/tg-ism will remain an issue for some considerable time - and it could take months and even years.

Another question - obviously it is best to be open and honest with your wife - but what do you hope the final outcome will be?

Fiona xx

[kittypw GG]

I agree with the others. Decide what it is that you want her to accept then have a discussion about it. She doesn't want to leave you and how can she not love you after 20 some years? Let me tell you a little secret about women. They may cry and not like or fear what you are saying but they just don't leave someone they love over something they don't understand yet. She will want to know more about what this "crossdressing" is all about. She may have questions about herself and what it means about her if she accepts this kind of thing (and trust me she has a picture in her mind that may not be so cool about crossdressing because most are portrayed as gay in the media) Some women fear that if they let you dress up in womens clothes or come to bed that way then it means that they are accepting that they themselves are gay. Lots to consider here. Have her come here and join the gg forum. We will help her on her journey. We all have a different perspective on how we have come to accept and some are still in the process. I myself have been all over the spectrum. It is not just a one day process, it takes several months. A very wise gg (Kathy) gave me a great piece of advice. Make a list of the things that you want accepted. Have her make a list of things that she would be ok with or try to accept. (like wearing panties to bed or under your jeans. Keep it simple) Agree to not carve the list in stone. Revise it as needed. Make sure you make a commitment to her that you will be very respectful of her comfort level and will back off when she expresses the need. Don't forget to keep the you that she fell in love with and is used to loving. Just make this an extention or expansion of who you are now. You will both benifit from the growth. Take care and keep us up dated on your progress. Kitty

[Emily Ann Brown]

I could have writen your post if you add 10 years to the length of marriage. After 5 months we are becoming husband and wife again. No....even with the nuclear winter we had at first I'm still glad it's out....NO MORE SECRETS. If you continue to be loving and attentive, and don't push for physical intimacy, she will come around to seeing the you she loves.

Emily Ann

[Sandygal]

Wow! Be still my heart. I do feel much better after reading all your posts. It was especially nice to read from so many wives that are also going through this. I guess my biggest dream would be to have my wardrobe hanging in my closet instead of boxes hidding in the garage.