Do you think you present a balanced perspective when looking for help & support?

[Jean GG]

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeanM GG
Sometimes what seems to be a bias is simply a result of someone NOT knowing any better.

If one posts a thread looking for supports to their own biases, I believe it can be very damaging. Hence, even when posting one must try to present a balanced situation if one wishes to get some benefit from the responses received.

Overall, I BELIEVE IT TAKES AN EXTREMELY HONEST PERSON WHO KNOWS HIM/HERSELF WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW IF THEY CAN PROVIDE A BALANCED PERSPECTIVE, WHO HAS DONE A LOT OF SOUL SEARCHING AND WHO THINKS VERY DEEPLY.

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I have asked my husband this question many times, now I ask you. Are you capable of presenting a balanced perspective when looking for help and support or are you simply looking for VALIDATION?

I wont be able to review these responses for 3-4 weeks, but look forward to reading them. jean

.....sorry....tried to post a new thread but ended up as a response...stilling learning the system :) jean

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jean

I do my utmost to provide a balanced response.

I do no not have any internal conflict as to my gender, which makes life a little easier. I try as far as possible to explain the possibilites and let the reader make their own decision.

[Julie York]

By it's very nature....someone looking for help or support does not have a balanced perspective. That's why they are asking for other views; to balance out their understanding and fill in the missing bits in their confusion.

As to balanced answers? Some folk are more experienced and mature than others but answers are always going to be tilted towards a persons own beliefs and personal experiences.

[Lilith Moon]

I'm uneasy about this concept of "balance". What exactly is it ?

This is a crossdressing forum and to some people that automatically means that members are "unbalanced". To such people our route to "balance" would be to conform with society..to stop crossdressing.

I'm human and therefore I have biases, preconceptions and I do like validation for my actions/attitudes. If anybody thinks otherwise then I would suggest that they are deceiving themselves. So, I will admit that I come here hoping for some measure of validation of my crossdressing as well as positive help and support. If that "support" amounts to somebody advising me to suppress my crossdressing in the interest of "balance" then I would question their motives. I must say that such advice is sometimes given in here and I find it unhelpful.

If, on the other hand, somebody suggests practical ideas that might involve reduction of my CD activities for specific reasons such as preservation of career, the feelings of loved ones and so on...then I would regard this as helpful support/advice....assuming I had asked for it.

IMO, balance can be a manipulative judgmental term. "Unbalanced" can sometimes be a label we apply to behaviour and attitudes we disapprove of.

[FionaAlexis]

Firstly, Jean, I assume you are talking about seeking help and support from your partner and not some emotionally detached person.

I think CD/TGs tend to open up to their partners mainly because they want to pursue their activities openly. Some would be hopeful that their partner would participate in some way – social or sexual. Some TGs might see themselves heading down the transition path.

There is no doubt in my mind that, given the variety of emotions, including confusion and fear, and the thoughts racing round in your head, the end message that is delivered is a very well sanitized version of the truth. And it maybe some way down the track that the absolute truth emerges, if it ever does. And in my case after restating my position and further interrogation.

It is probably true that we are often looking for validation and even permission to start or to continue or to extend our lifestyle and activities. But it’s also an ethical and moral decision and, in my own case, I wasn’t prepared to hide what I was about to do or hide what I was. So the intent was to do the right thing. I think there was also a recognition that things might not work out in the relationship and an emotional preparedness to accept that. I had no expectations of the end result - only hopes. That emotional preparedness still exists though it is not at the front of my mind.

Personally I have never felt guilty about being transgendered. I have felt it is wasteful and that I would be better off dealing with it one way or the other. However I do recognize that people generally can see it as weird or even distasteful and they can be uncomfortable around someone who is transgendered. It is a pretty shattering admission to make to your partner. It causes distress at all kinds of levels – potential embarrassment, destruction of maleness, concerns about future etc.

I’m sorry this post is a bit disjointed moving from third party to personal – but I think I can only answer the question from a personal perspective. I believe that even with the short comings in the initial message the end message was quite balanced and comprehensive.



Fiona xx

[livy_m_b]

Fiona has made, as usual, a number of good points and I would like to key off some of them to provide my response.

It really does matter whether we are speaking of 1) relationship with the spouse or 2) working with a pshrink or 3) talking on this forum. For me, by the time I came to this forum, 1) and 2) had already occurred and I was/am able to be more objective and balanced (no comments, please! :) ) here. Since my so had to bear the burden of the initial revelations, things were much more tentative - she started out very disapproving and so only as much was revealed as she permitted for many years - that was compounded by the fact that my own understanding was evolving at the same time. So it was not only "sanitized" but "incapable of full discussion". Even with the counselor, things were somewhat reserved - I had a very good counselor but I was somewhat tentative at self revelation because she was so accepting of anything I would say that in that case I protected myself by being somewhat reserved - perhaps I was afraid of the consequences if I was fully open. (But I should say, in keeping with my ott style, that I don't fully trust this syndrome even now, for me, however certain it may be for others.) So probably I'm more open and balanced on this channel than I've ever been, but I can't say that the self-understanding has stopped evolving even now.

Going back to Fiona's "sanitized version of the facts", I think if we were honest and had a checklist of items capable of being implicated in any discussion, we would have to admit we almost all almost always disclose a "sanitized version" - that's because, in this society, notwithstanding the "sexual revolution", there are still significant aspects of sexuality that are not available for discussion without alienating others that are important to us. This presents a problem because it's often only by discussing things that we come to understand them ourselves. To use a simple example most should recognize, among cd/ts/tg most people avoid discussing attraction to men because of associations with homosexuality and likewise most people avoid reference to self-pleasuring because of ingrained negative attitudes to that. On this channel, more than in many, the sexually erotic aspect of dressing is permitted in the context of heterosexual cd'ing but it tends to be suppressed or slanted in other aspects. All of this goes as one aspect of Fiona's point that almost always it's only a sanitized version that is presented to others.

In my case, the difficulty of full/balanced disclosure is/was compounded because I seem to have parts of the "adult children of alcoholics" syndrome on top of everything else. I can't tell what's 'normal', and this condition hasn't helped, so I tend to disclose only a little and observe the response to see if I've gone over the line for the person I'm dealing with.

But, with all those caveats, I think it's fair to say, that I try to present as balanced a description as possible when asking for support. Frankly, I think we mostly have to provide our own validation, and most people are not so self-deceptive as to think that validation of an inadequately disclosed situation has much value anyhow.

What is a "balanced" disclosure can also depend on the situation in which it occurs - some people here are so certain of where they are (cd/ts/tg etc.) and I am so distrustful of the whole process, no matter how compelling it is, that I also have a tendency to "balance" by presenting aspects of my own experience that are inconsistent with certainty. In a way this can be regarded as cowardice, lack of self acceptance, etc., but I regard it also as a way of being 'balanced' with respect to disclosure to myself and to others. If I talk only about aspects that fit the standard narrative, that would be dishonest both to me and to others reading the posts.

My latest mantra is "talk, talk, talk" because I believe it's only by getting matters out into the open and getting other people's responses to them that we come to understand themselves ourselves and also lay the groundwork for being understood by others.

[TGMarla]

Yes, I think I do. Other opinions may vary, but I try to be reasonable and sensible in my approach. I try not to let crossdressing be my primary drive in my pursuit of life, and try to strike a balance between my male and female aspects of my being. I try to live my life with a moral code that shows respect to my wife and to others. So yes. I think I present a well balanced point of view.

[Khriss]

hey Jean ..If You want the more general concensus of how the world feels about men who wear womens clothing...it's not that far a stretch...
If Your question pertains to -do crossdressers look for comfort or justification in their behavior via contact with others who share such desires ?? well, I do ! -can't speak for all the rest of my sisters though..questions posed in divisive manner often seem like "kicking a long dead horse" to many of us...

in the guise of heartfelt personal concern ? for who?

[Faye Emmette]

"Do you think you present a balanced perspective when looking for help & support"?
I try and that's the best I can do.
Just lay my cards on the table and see what happens.
F.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Jean

I do my utmost to provide a balanced response.

I do no not have any internal conflict as to my gender, which makes life a little easier. I try as far as possible to explain the possibilites and let the reader make their own decision.
Youde probably make a good counceller then Shelly. Not only is this a very wise thing to do but you can be sure that any decision reached is the sole responsibility of the person looking for the advise. Hence they are more in control of the situation and more likely to be happier about the choices that they do eventually make. There is also the added advantage of your not getting the blame or feeling bad if things do go pearshaped. Take care
BEVxxx