Criticism

[Sandra]

Can you take or not and if not why?

Do you crumple in a heap if someone says you look awful or not wearing the right coloured shoes to go with the dress, or your makeup looks crap, hair not right, or heaven forbid someone tells you that you don’t pass.

Do you say something back to them or just ignore what has been said. ?

[Julie York]

I suppose people deal with it depending on their temperament, but I think it depends very much on Why the person is dressing. Crossdressing is done for quite a few different reasons and to achieve very different goals. So what would seem very sensible constructive criticism to the CD looking for 'realism', can come across as rather unnecessary or even unkind to someone doing it for a personal pleasure. And I think that's where the problem is. It's seen as nit picking.


It's like.....Imagine a little girl playing at being a Princess...in her head she is quite happy...And then her Mother comes along and scolds her because her dress doesn't match her shoes.

Mother is missing the point of what the girl is doing and what it is that is giving the little girl pleasure. And so...quite understandably the little girl might be quite hurt by the criticism.

If, on the other hand, someone is genuinely looking for help and tips to achieve some sort of reality, they should be sensible enough to realise that this is what they are being given...and with the best of intentions.


Also....and this is true though rather sad....If you only have one skirt and one pair of shoes because that's all you could get hold of.....You're doing your best. So it does hurt when someone says it isn't right.

[annekathleen]

Depends on the amount of criticism, and who's doing the criticising,
Otherwise, they can all go and _ _ _ _ themselves!

[~Dee~]

im good with it.
so long as its a helpful comment .. then im happy to hear it .. if its less of a critique and more of a harsh criticism... then i dont take it so well.

but kitty does it to me all the time .. i put on something, i go to her and i want her opinion .. i listen to what she has to tell me .. and if i agree with the reasoning - then i might go change.

the only thing ive never agreed with is socks.
if you are wearing something that will cover your socks .. what does it really matter if your socks are different colours? .. i mean .. really?
:D

[Wendy me]

i think to hear the good things you have to be open to some bad things as well ....to hear someone say things that make us feel good ... we too have to be open enough to hear things hat make us feel a little bad too ...

the whole thing is when something good is said we have to hear that and not mastake anything that is less than what you want to hear as bad ....

as we need to move forward in every thing being hurt or down because some one dose not aggree with us dose no one any good....

[Kate Simmons]

It doesn't matter that much to me Sandra. I take it with a grain of salt. As I posted on another thread, I'm enjoying being myself, so don't really care too much what others may think. Guess it depends on your confidence level and your personality. I have a slight "attitude" myself, so maybe they just don't say anything. Ericka

[RenaCD]

I take it with a Grain Of Salt, Consider The source and Move on. Constructive Criticism is always welcome!

Just Me Rena

[RenaCD]

It doesn't matter that much to me Sandra. I take it with a grain of salt. As I posted on another thread, I'm enjoying being myself, so don't really care too much what others may think. Guess it depends on your confidence level and your personality. I have a slight "attitude" myself, so maybe they just don't say anything. Ericka

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :tongueout

[Sharon]

It is possible to make critical comments without sounding negative or so that it appears you are "attacking" someone. If you want to tell me my make-up needs improving, and you offer suggestions, then I appreciate your time and effort in telling me so, and I would thank you. If you come and tell me that I look atrocious and should give up, then I may get upset at your rudeness. However, I would probably not respond to the latter.

It's all in the way you choose your words.

[Stephenie S]

Yes, even in male mode. Someone made a derogatory remark about my hair the other day at work. (I am growing it out) I was so surprised at how upset I got.

Stephenie

[Nikki Dee]

Sandra.!!..it never happens.!!!!LOL. LOL. LOL.(tongue very firmly in cheek!!).....Actually, my wife is my best critic...and she's a stylish lady...If she says I look o.k..,.then thats all that matters to me....Anyone else can go hang.!!
Nikki. x

[Eileen]

Sandra I get put down all thre time by my wife. It has been a long time since I let it bothrer me. If I let in bother me, I would have stopped dressing a long time ago.

I go out and if anyone reads me they do not show it. When I first started going out, I was read a frew times. My reaction was oh well.

Eileen

[~Kitty GG~]

the only thing ive never agreed with is socks.
if you are wearing something that will cover your socks .. what does it really matter if your socks are different colours? .. i mean .. really?
:D

IT MATTERS!!!! Your feet can tell you have two dif colors or types of sox. And they'll get you back someday.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[Helen MC]

I don't go out dressed, so the specifics of this situation would not arise. However the last person, a man, to make a very hurtful and sarcastic personal remark to me got broken nose and two upper incisors knocked out for his sins. I may wear panties but I am not a "pantywaist"

[Kate Simmons]

IT MATTERS!!!! Your feet can tell you have two dif colors or types of sox. And they'll get you back someday.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~
Hi Kitty, As Homer would say: "D'oh"! (Damn Duff beer!). But you're right, feet have a way of getting revenge. I know after a night of dancing. LOL. Ericka

[Jennaie]

Actually Sandra, I want the truth, and if the truth is, Jennaie, I don't think you pass at all, I want to hear it. If someone has suggestions that may help me look better, I want those as well.

I have a gay neighbor who lives in the apt above me and he loves to scrutinize my dressing for me. He always seems to drop by when I am dressed but without makeup. So once he said he wanted to do my makeup. I decided to let him. When he was finished he said go look in the mirror. As I did he ask how I liked it, I replied, Perhaps if I were going trick or treating or playing a part in a horror movie. He laughed and I told him that it was a nice try but a makeup artist he was not.

The next evening I was completely dressed, makeup and all. He knocked on my door and I ask who it was, He announced himself and I opened the door. He looked at me and his jaw dropped, saying well, you certainly do a better job with the makeup than I do. He told me that if he saw me out in public he would think that I was female.

After he and I visited for about an hour, he said something else to me. He told me that I acted differently competely dressed. He said that he liked me better as a female than a male, that I seemed so much more calmer and at ease with myself.

[BlueKat]

I don't see any problem with constructive criticism. It seems to me that more of this would be more helpful to the T-community than the standard "You Go Girl" comments usually without a second thought.

[Joy Carter]

I grew up different (Oh Do Tell) I've never been one to fit in pretty much have always done my own thing. I have never been seen dressed by anyone but I do pay attention to what women ware I think I'd pull of the whole matching style thing pretty well. I want to present myself as a well dressed woman as much as possible even though I look to much like a yuck, man. As far as being wounded by comment's It will be hard enough being a man in a frock in public, who cares if they don't care about my look. As far as some of the gurls here I offer my opinion never to criticize. :hugs:

[EricaCD]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no - just like in male mode.

However: If I ask for an opinion in this forum I sincerely hope to receive honest answers. That is true irrespective of whether I am asking other CDs, GGs or the group at large. While I hope that unflattering answers will be phrased judiciously, I'd rather be hurt than deluded.

Erica

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Sandra,
I suppose none of us like criticism not even constructive criticism. It hurts and damages our ego, and if we just happen to have a pretty low self esteem already then criticism is the last thing we need. I have found that my partner, like alot of CDs has very little confidence in his own ability when it comes to doing something for himself, like makeup, or picking an outfit. He relies on me for most things and if I say he looks OK he feels alot more confident to face the world so's to speak. I mostly do his makeup but on the odd occasion that he's tried himself and its maybe not been quite right Ive tended to say its ok but would look better if........ Altho I must admit with the passing of time he's become quite proficient at doing his makeup on his own when Ive not been around.
I know that he values my opinion and he certainly never gets upset if I tell him that something doesn't really suit his shape, or colouring, but then its never a dead ended comment because I always propose an alternative.
Someone mentioned passing in one of the responses. If a Crossdresser wanted my honest opinion as to whether or not he'd pass, then I'd have to be honest. Some can, but very few in my experience. That isn't to say tho that they dont still look lovely.
BEVxxxx

[MarinaTwelve200]

Indeed, I crave criticisim, especially CONSTRUCTIVE especially. I have difficulty with GETTING the criticisim I need to improve my art work and my writing---It seems that most people are just amazed that I CAN write or produce paintings or drawings and as a result, I get praise (likely undeserved) and NO criticisim I can use to improve my work or point out aspects i may have missed. so Constructive criticisim, is to me something to treasure highly.
Unconstructive criticism does NOT bother me in the least . Why should it? I can consider the source and the fact that the critic does not know what they are talking about--or it may be mean spirtedness out of jeolousy---which when you think about it is really a complement:D

Criticisim does not get me angry--that only happens to folks who are insecure and actually BELEIVE the hurtful words as a truth that they strive to hide.
As to my CD efforts, Criticisim is WELCOME I can tell what parts of me look GOOD, but what about the things i dont notice? I would fix them (or try) if I knew about them--so silence does me no favors. And all advice is also welcome. I also reserve rhe right to take or leave the info I receive as it is only opinion anyway.

[Shelly Preston]

criticism is a difficult thing to deal with

I think you need to be aware of the reasons behind it. Is it just an opinion e.g. That skirt does not match the blouse. OR is its where someone you trust has been asked to give there honest opinion.

I know I have dressed in outfits that dont look very good on occasions.
Other times I have asked opinions on my outfit. I usually ask why they dont like what im wearing. You can then have a balanced assessment and can decide it the criticism is justified.

[Sonia_cd]

Dear Sandra, great question you've brought up.
Irrespective of the situation or cidcumstances, I have often wondered if we have an innate desire not to hurt anyone with criticism, even if it be fully warranted. To that end, we lace it with sweet sounding words, temper down the criticism, side-step core issues and many-a-time come off sounding fake and dishonest. Agreed harsh unconstructive criticism can be given the go-by, genuine views though, in my book, ought not to be held back.
We spend too much time on wondering how our words might affect the feelings of another person, with no basis for such assumption.
Personally, I appreciate honest genuine criticism, primarily because it affords me an opportunity to introspect and consequently improve on myself.
If the criticism were without reason, then I would discard it, but I would cetainly question the rationale behind the criticism to understand if it is genuine or simply an expression of personal likes and dislikes. Thats is the key for me: seperating criticism from judgement and opinions.

Hugs,
Sonia

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Sonia,
You are obviously a very confident person who sees genuine criticism as a way of improving or atleast thinking about something more constructively. It would be great if we were all like you and I certainly wish I was. I like your comment on criticism v personal taste, thats really worth thinking about.
There are some people tho Sonia who do have very low self esteems and even constructive criticism could set them back considerably.
I would always think twice about how I worded a genuine criticism, indeed that is what they teach you on all of these managing people courses. How you criticise can make all the difference between having someone go the extra mile and feeling encouraged, or just flat giving up because they feel very discouraged. Call me politically correct if you like, but I would be horrified if I thought I'd hurt someones feelings just because I'd been honest but blunt with them. That said there are other ways of being honest with someone. I would never let my partner for instance go out looking a mess just because I was afraid to tell him. I would never give false praise, or build someone up to believe that they were something that they were not, because that too can be very damaging.
I loved my Dad to bits but he was always criticising me for something that I hadn't or couldn't do, so I know how damaging it can be, and how long a legacy it can leave, and how just one off the cuff remark can really damage someones confidence. I expect someone who has never suffered with a low self esteem would struggle to understand where Im coming from but I expect that even here on this forum there will be a few who know what Im talking about.
Take care
BEVxxxxx

[Nlenro-nu2]

Can you take or not and if not why?

Do you crumple in a heap if someone says you look awful or not wearing the right coloured shoes to go with the dress, or your makeup looks crap, hair not right, or heaven forbid someone tells you that you don’t pass.

Do you say something back to them or just ignore what has been said. ?

Hi! I'm Nlenro-nu2 Quite often some jerk says: He ain't a woman. Or What's the Gender? Or He ain't changed sex! Or He's a gay. My reply usually is: Piddleford on ya I don't remember asking for your opinion!!
Sometimes I just mumble Piddleford and go on my way! It's all a matter of Attitude. We can allow ourselves to be hurt by insulters or not be hurt by them. We own our Attitude... so what if someone calls us awful or nuts or whatever! Live is too short to be bothered by what insulters say. Insulters and critics pretend to know it all but really I'd say they know nothing!
As far as I'm concerned my spirit is female even if I body is male medically speaking! Insulters and critics are the sick ones. Crossdressing isn't an illness... crossdressing is a preference for us crossdressers! Another thought I think is different strokes for different folks. Or Life is Like a rose beautiful but it sometimes has too many thorns. Just have to be careful around the thorns! Have a Nice Day!

[Sonia_cd]

Hey Bev!

First off, I'm sorry if I came across as being a tad strong in my language.
Second, I agree with you completely. I am not suggesting that criticism be harsh and blunt, with no consideration for how it might impact the recepient of that criticism. It is with reason that those courses teach you how to offer criticism and it does work, having attended a couple of those courses myself.

What I was saying was that there are many occassion on which we tend to hold back instead of making the efffort to communicate the criticism in a positive manner.

And I know exactly where you come from on the impact parents can have. I have a father that for some reason refuses to be effusive in praise or compliments where due, but extremely pointed with criticism for even the smallest things. Today that makes me angry. I am thankful to have had a mom that would negate the effects of that criticism and compliment without hesitation.

Love,
Sonia

[Bev06 GG]

Hey Bev!

First off, I'm sorry if I came across as being a tad strong in my language.
Second, I agree with you completely. I am not suggesting that criticism be harsh and blunt, with no consideration for how it might impact the recepient of that criticism. It is with reason that those courses teach you how to offer criticism and it does work, having attended a couple of those courses myself.


Oh right, soz Sonia, Ive misunderstood you. Thats were talking a debate face to face is easier and more understandable than writing one from a distance, tee hee.
Take care
BEVxxxx

[Julie Avery]

Though criticism always has an ego sting to it, I prefer a person who is friendly toward me, and critical, to a person who is friendly toward me, and unwilling to risk that friendship by saying what they think when they feel critical. And I prefer criticism to ridicule.

[Caitlintgsd]

I so did not pass last night. Wait, I didn't dress last night. I had to drive for eight hours round trip to drop off some equipment north of LA and didn't get back until 10pm. I figured that if I changed and got ready to go out that would have pushed it 'til 11:30. So I just went to my usual locales dressed in el drabbio. My friends got a kick out of it though.

[Khriss]

... critisizm tempered with true wishes that the recipient might benefit? ...devoid of personal wishes or ego boosting? (like flattery too?).. a wonderfull gift I'd imagine..if taken in the right way also... eh? xx"K"
("I thought I was wrong once...but... I was mistaken !?) :eek: :D

[stephanie100]

criticism yes insults however are a differant matter.

[Sandra]

criticism yes insults however are a differant matter.

Couldn't agree more Stephanie. I think we all need a bit of criticism now and again, brings us back to the real world, but insults and being bitchy we can do with out.

Thanks for the replies :)

[ReginaK]

I don't crumple. I usually don't care or respond with criticism of my own.

[CharlaineCadence]

OH god lets see. Honestly I'm at a point where I take my time to perfect myself before going out. For example, Last Friday I was in a slump and decided I wanted some me time and maybe go and get a makeover. So I bathed did my make up as always and got dressed. Decided to wear my new wig. Went out and about hear and their and then I decidedd to go into a dress store looking for some work clothes. I started talking to a sales person as I was trying on a few skirts and outfits and next thing I know shes asking me to fill out w2's and I9 paperwork and tell ing me when to come back for my finale interview witht he district manager. It was then I told her as I handed my paperwork over to her that I had not had my formal name change and that I was afraid of their being problems. She looked at my paperwork then at me and again at my paper work. She even called over another woman with my permission that is and askedd her to look at me and then handed her my paperwork. Nither beleaved that I was a Transsexual man. Untill I showed her my Id. It is times like that I feel great then theirs times where I go out and go to dinner and am attacked verbaly by some gg or gm that has a chip on their shoulder. All in All I have to say that bothe the good and the bad critisems can and do at time break me down. but then help build me up making me so much stronger. An if someone honestly tells me I should fix something I ask the to explain and try it. seems to help. Also it depends on my emotional state that day as their are time i cry over as little as a feather falling...

kiss kiss
char

[Anita Mae GG]

It is possible to make critical comments without sounding negative or so that it appears you are "attacking" someone. If you want to tell me my make-up needs improving, and you offer suggestions, then I appreciate your time and effort in telling me so, and I would thank you. If you come and tell me that I look atrocious and should give up, then I may get upset at your rudeness. However, I would probably not respond to the latter.

It's all in the way you choose your words.

I agree with Sharon. It is all in the wording and delivery of the critism.

I also think that things shouldn't be sugar coated or that one should be told "you look fabulous" when you KNOW they don't. Maybe tell the person, you look good, but maybe try this instead of this. I think it would make you look even better"

I have noticed on here that at least in the pic gallery that between the CD'ers they are always telling the others you look wonderful, when in reality in some of the pics, there could be some improvements to make them look FANTASTIC...yet no one says a word. That is the "pink fog" we always talk about.

To build on Sandra's thread here, do you WANT that advice or do you prefer to just remain in the pink fog? Do you want the GG's advice and tips?