Becoming a bit disillusioned

[Gemma Rhodes]

I am starting to become a bit disillusioned and Im worried. I really want to start doing "normal" things like going shopping, going down the pub, just going to the local shop to buy a paper without being treated like some sort of freak which I will be round here if I start living my life how I REALLY want to.

I still dress fairly regularly at home but now its not the same, I want to go out when I'm dressed and its really starting to get to me that I can't live my life how I want to.

Gemma xx

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Gemma

Sorry to hear your feeling disillusioned.
Unfortunately when you appear different from what people expect, it bring out their predjuices. It would be a lot better world if people could do as they wish provided there not hurting anyone else.
You have to decide if you can cope with the funny look and comments.
Your have achieved a lot more than most.
Best of luck for the future.
Most importantly you will always have friends here.
We are always happpy to see your smiling face.

[Maria D]

What is it that you actually want, what is it that's stopping you, and what are you disillusioned about?

If you want to go full time to an extent at least, then yes, that means others knowing. Think you'll be seen as a freak? Scared? Everyone's going to point and laugh? Or just think less of you?

Do you care?

I know how hard it is to step out, the fear, but that's mainly in your head. Most people don't care, and if they do, do you care that they have a problem? They don't really matter, it comes down to hurting yourself to please them, or pleasing yourself and not worrying about them. Who's more important to you? I'd rather see you happy...
(but yes, it IS scary the fiirst few times, you do get over it. No one is actually, really, stopping you.)

Take care :)

[Sally24]

I think your feelings are quite normal. I go out every few months and get into a funk if its been longer than that. On the other hand, I try very hard not to do anything locally because I live in a small town and it could do alot of damage to my life here. Planning a shopping day away, or perhaps a weekend at a hotel in the nearest city could help your problem.

Unless you want to fully come-out to friends I would avoid any jaunts out to the mail box or gas station late at night. Although some find that quite thrilling, I personally think the risks are way to high!!

Try to find a semi-public way that you can express yourself without risking your established life. Good Luck.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Gemma,

I'm sorry that you're getting worried. Going on what you've said I guessing that you've experienced the thrill of being en femme in public, things went well and now dressing at home is not enough and want to enjoy cding in as many areas of your life as possible.

I think is is a pretty normal thing to be thinking. I don't know your situation (work, family etc) but there comes a time when we all have to evaluate our lives and ask ourselves "is this a good life that I'm living....am I happy?" If not then we have to change some things.

When our lives are over, and we look back on them, it's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you didn't do...becuase by then it'll be too late. Don't worry, just do it and be happy. Life's too short.

[Gemma Rhodes]

Thanks for the replies girls.

At the moment Im just feeling a bit fed up. I suppose its just natural really. Maybe in a few days time I'll be back to my happy-go-lucky self again.

Gemma xx

[SherriePall]

Gemma -- You have made some great strides recently and, perhaps, that is the problem. Once we have taken some of those first steps out, we sometimes think that this is the way to go. And it is not easy to return to the male role in life. Sometimes, we take one step forward and two back. We become depressed, but our lives must go on so that we can take another step forward and, someday, two. Just take it slowly. And remember we are all here for you.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Gemma,
I think its a question of balance really. Youve just had a great weekend away with your friends in Bristol where youve enjoyed the freedom of walking around enfemme with no bother from anyone. Now your back in Grimsby where everyone knows you and you dont have that freedom. Youve gone from a real high to abit of a low. Understandably you feel abit depressed.
But dont forget you still do have alot more freedom to dress and go out than alot of CDs do on here. And youve also got alot of friends who are there to support you. So I guess youve just got to get things in their proper perspective.
Im afraid CDs are along way from being able to have the freedom that some would love to have, especially in Grimsby. Dont forget tho Gemma, my mum would love to live the life that she wants to but can't because of the effects of Chemotherapy, and my best friend would love to but can't because she's tied to the dialasis machine for 4 hours a day, which I know is taking things to extremes and getting abit morbid, but you got a heck of alot going for you gal. Your young free, single and healthy, so the world is your oyster so's to speak.
Take care
BEVxxx

[Gemma Rhodes]

Hi Bev,

You've just hit the nail on the head, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself when I know there are people far worse off than me. I just loved it when I was in Oxford and Bristol and could be Gemma most of the time without any worry of being recognised. Now Im back home I really want to be able to go out on a regular basis and can't and its getting me down.

Anyway, I'm having a night in with my good friend Jack Daniels tonight and hopefully he'll make me see how damn lucky I really am.

Take care, see ya Saturday.

Gemma xx

[Rebecca Petersen]

Dear Gemma
Don't believe anything your friend Jack Daniels says. I speak from experience, He's a liar. So are his friends, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker. Liars! All of them.
I know what you are going through. I experienced the same thing for 20 years when living in a small town. Each time I went out, I had to drive for at least 30 minutes to be somewhere that I felt comfortable.
Then I moved to a big city. I thought that I now had the freedom I needed. Funny, I found myself going to the same places all the time and seeing the same people. And, most of the places frequented were very close to where I lived.
In reality, the size of the city was secondary. What changed, was a sense of confidence derived from thinking I would be unnoticed in a larger area.
I know its been written on this forum a million times, but self-confidence is the key factor as to how the world perceives you. The size of the area, the people, etc. are secondary to how you feel about your presence in that area and with those people.
I'm of course not saying, "Throw caution to the wind" and "Just go for it." What I am saying, is sometimes we imagine how people will respond to us and our perception of that response can be totally wrong.
Good luck, and again, don't look for Jack, Jim or Johnny to be of much help.
Rebecca

[Bev06 GG]

Dear Gemma
Don't believe anything your friend Jack Daniels says. I speak from experience, He's a liar. So are his friends, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker. Liars! All of them.
Good luck, and again, don't look for Jack, Jim or Johnny to be of much help.
Rebecca
Tee hee, Nice one Rebecca I like that. No seriously that was a great post and your obviously speaking from experience and know where Gemma is coming from.
TAke care
BEV

[Julie Avery]

As the world is today, those of us males who crossdress are freaks. Not to every person all the time, but to most people most of the time. I defy anyone to prove me wrong.

[Maria D]

Julie, that really depends where you are, surely? In Iraq right now, being a CD might be a problem. In Leeds, I had no significant problems.

You could just as well claim that because of the small amount of racist bigotry occuring in my country you are seen as a freak if you are Black or Asian. Perhaps to the BNP, but not to the majority. I don't deny hatred exists, but I do totally refute that the majority hate us. Prove it? Well, I can't can I? But I'm still alive, and it's pretty obvious what I am.

Anyway, Grimsby is boring, you have to do something to pass the time.

Kidding Gemma! :)

Take care :)

EDIT:
I'll also add that many, if not most people, at this time, have little or no experience of us. That does lend a certain 'I don't know how to handle this' to some situations. That shouldn't be confused with negative feelings. Be honest, have you ever, for instance, stared or been distracted when talking to someone with a facial deformity, or a big mole, or a bad hair transplant, or anything out of the ordinary? A lot of people still have that 'Ooh this is odd' mentality attached to us. In time, as 'we' become known, like gays are, things will change, but it will take people being open about it, and it will take time.
I think of it like CD adoption (compact discs that is). There won't be a mass market of CDs until people start buying CDs, and people won't buy until there's a mass market to make it 'ok' to buy them.
We need that critical mass to make it happen for CDs (crossdressers), to make being CD ok, and for Gemma's feelings to be no problem because there'd be no issue with being CD.
Time. Like chocolate, very under-rated.

[gennee]

I am starting to become a bit disillusioned and Im worried. I really want to start doing "normal" things like going shopping, going down the pub, just going to the local shop to buy a paper without being treated like some sort of freak which I will be round here if I start living my life how I REALLY want to.

I still dress fairly regularly at home but now its not the same, I want to go out when I'm dressed and its really starting to get to me that I can't live my life how I want to.

Gemma xx

I understand what are going through, Gemma. There was a bit of a letdown after I went out in public. The down times can be profitable also. It allows you to assess and reassess your goals and what you want out of life. I have seen the strides you have made, Gemma. Keep going forward! Go out and be yourself. One thing I have learned; if others are bothered by who you are, that's THEIR problem. Enjoy your life, Gemma.

Gennee :love: