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joanlynn28
05-21-2006, 08:56 PM
I have made numerous posts in the past and now I am going to try and link them all together to try and make more sense to those of you out there. My name is Joan Lynn as you all may or may not know. I first learned about transexuals when I was a young boy growing up in San Diego. I remember seeing Christina Jorgenson on the Micheal Douglas show and was infactuated with the whole transgender thing from that point onward. Through most of my life I have had this fantasy of wanting to become a woman since my early days of adolescence, my first experience with crossdressing started at the age of 8. Then in my early teens I would dress up in my sister's clothes and go to sleep in them. My dreams would be to be able to think hard enough so that I would be able to grow breasts just by sheer willpower. Even in my dreams I would have visions of being a woman, this recurring dream persists even today. As I got older I thought that I would grow out of this phase of having to dress up but I realize looking back there are periods of no dressing up because of environmental sircumstances like having others around are just too busy to be able to participate in these activivies.

Throughout my life I have always been on the lookout to spot out a transexual, I look for the telltale signs, the adam's apple on the leg, the size of her hands and feet. The sure giveaway that the woman over there may have started her life out as a man. And then to see one I just become jealous asking how come why can't that be me.

But now I have reached a pivotal point in my life, I had promised myself that as long as I was in a commited relationship with my wife I would not explore these thoughts I had questioning my gender identity. Basically this was the one thing that kept me from exploring any deeper weither or not I am really a transexual. But as I approched 45 things turned for the worst. In early August my wife found out about my dressing behind her back, a secret I kept hidden from her for over 9 years. She had always had her suspessions about me due to the fact that I keep my nails long and how I didn't have any steady girl friends before we married. So I told her I would seek consuling and guidance to fight this desire to want to change. I have spent thousands of dollars seeing so called sex addiction experts and time in a 28 day sexual addiction program to only come up with one conclusion, and that is that I am not a sex addict, but a transexual. And since I now know exactly who and what I am I have found a new inner peace within me. Having come out makes it nearly impossible to resist or fight the urges, forget about fighting them it is better to cave in to them.

So what have I done since than, first I have begun my own little real world test by living as a woman as much as I can. So far I am up to 70% of the time I live as a woman. I have made a few friends who are already transitioning who have been more than generous in sharing what they have gone through and what to expect. But most importantly I am now more honest and open about myself, in the past I couldn't be honest wanting to hide my true emotions from others, for if they knew the truth I felt I would be beaten down and riduculed. So every new day I take another bold step to build my confidence up. First it was to go out dressed up, then to go and hang out with other transgendered persons. Now I am not afraid to go out shopping as a woman. Take today for example, I went to a couple of malls and had no problem passing as a woman. I know it helps that I have a slender boyish figure. The thin frame does have its advantages. And today I finally went and had my ears pierced, something that I have wanted to do for a long time. So from here on I still need to find a gender specialists who can guide my towards my goal of fully transitioning. I know that it is a hard road to take but it is the one that I am distend to follow. But my confidence contiumes to grow more positive with each passing day. I just want to close in saying the biggest thing that I have found out is that I am not alone. Watch out we are everywhere and our numbers are greater than you think.

Joy Carter
05-22-2006, 02:07 AM
God Bless Joan, admitting how you feel about your self and accepting it is the way to wards inner peace. I'm a CD and have felt so good about myself since I have stopped fighting it. Funny I don't have the over riding "need" to get dressed now but do only to enjoy the moment and not satisfy an urge. Good luck in the future Joan. :hugs:

JOY CARTER

taren
05-22-2006, 06:29 AM
If you ever need a friend , i'm always here for you ,i would love to give you my email upon reguest , love Taren

Sarahgurl371
05-22-2006, 07:18 PM
Joan,

I am glad you are on the road to self acceptance and living how you wish to live. It seems that many of us feel the same in a lot of ways. I too am married and have used that to keep my feelings at bay.

May I ask a question? Why did you feel you had a sexual addiction? I have been accused of that as well, and actually started therapay surrounding all of this in in attempt to see if my wife was right in that opinion. I felt it wasn't but am so unsure of myself.

And it seems that no one really wants to talk about the sexual and intimate feelings that go with the whole TG thing. Most of the reading I have done, seems to exclude these topics. And it seems that I have been trying to see how normal I am since forever.

PM me if you want to talk about it in private.

Kimberley
05-22-2006, 07:51 PM
I think the sexual element is not a real consideration for most of us, particularly the TG and TS's. Even a lot of us do not understand it and are always questioning to the point of making ourselves crazy. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

Speaking from experience, the sexual element to this whole gender issue waned in my mid thirties. Dressing became more, much more and any sexual element pretty much disappeared. Today it still remains that way.

Unfortunately, the public at large (including a lot of mental health professionals) consider any form of CDing as a sexual thing. More often than not they arent even aware of the distinction between gender and sexuality. I guess that is why I feel so sad for people who go into therapy with a counsellor who is not gender aware and or experienced. Too often we are worse off for it. This one of the reasons I am always harping on people seeking therapy to find a counsellor who does fit the mould.

I hope Joan Lynn can find happiness and success for her journey.

:hugs:
Kimberley

joanlynn28
05-22-2006, 10:57 PM
I think the sexual element is not a real consideration for most of us, particularly the TG and TS's. Even a lot of us do not understand it and are always questioning to the point of making ourselves crazy. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

Speaking from experience, the sexual element to this whole gender issue waned in my mid thirties. Dressing became more, much more and any sexual element pretty much disappeared. Today it still remains that way.

Unfortunately, the public at large (including a lot of mental health professionals) consider any form of CDing as a sexual thing. More often than not they arent even aware of the distinction between gender and sexuality. I guess that is why I feel so sad for people who go into therapy with a counsellor who is not gender aware and or experienced. Too often we are worse off for it. This one of the reasons I am always harping on people seeking therapy to find a counsellor who does fit the mould.

I hope Joan Lynn can find happiness and success for her journey.

:hugs:
Kimberley
Dear Kimberly,
Thanks for giving you two cents worth. To me the only professionals that have told me I am off my rocker and hate myself (which I don't) just my gender I was born as has been the socalled loving christian concilors who discribe our condition as a sin and against God's will. I will let God be the judge of that not some pious hypocritical therapist who thinks that praying and resisting an evil temptation will cure us of our afflection. The secular therapists have been loving and supportive and encouraged by the progress I have made of being self accepting of who and what I am. After all we are all created in God's image and he loves and accepts us for who we are.