Scared!

[Gemma Rhodes]

I have come to a bit of a crossroads in my life and Im scared about the route I want to take. I know I'm not TS but would love to dress and present feminine 24/7 but I'm scared.

I know the only person stopping me is myself. I live alone so have no wife or partner to consider but I have been in the same job for over 25 years and Im worried I may lose my respect and position if I do come out. I told my best friend and his wife about me a few months back and they were both great but other friends will not be as undestanding and Im scared I will lose them all as no one has a clue about this side of me.

Then theres my family. I think my mum may have a clue but it will hit the rest of them for six, especially my sister who is not a very nice person to be honest.

Anyway, I know you will say, go for it, take a deep breath and just do it, but it not quite that easy is it.

Gemma xx

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi Gemma,

Huge step. Best Wishes. But what I really wanted to say is:

The truth is like a Christmas garland; once out it's impossible to put away again.

Be careful.

Em

[ronda]

do what your heart tells you to not your head those who love you will always love you those who think they love you will go away any way. follow your heart and your needs:happy:

[GypsyKaren]

do what your heart tells you to not your head those who love you will always love you those who think they love you will go away any way. follow your heart and your needs:happy:

That's been my experience since coming out and going full time, I really haven't had any problems. Only you know what's best for you, and I assume you've thought this over carefully, I wish you well with whatever you decide.

Karen

[celeste26]

Dont ignore that head either, while the heart may make things fun, it is the head that pays the bills.

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. Gemma...Wouldn't presume to tell you what to do...only YOU know.!...just think very carefully and do whatever you feel you really must do....and you always know that you have support from me and all your other friends.!!!
Love Nikki. xx............see you soon.!!

[Shellybean]

I have mostly come out and am gearing up for rlt for the srs etc and now no job/friends and my family is shipping me to vancouver where i will be more out of sight/mind....i am looking forward to making new friends there.
good luck
shellybean

[~Dee~]

i came out to my friends and family recently .. some of these people are the weirdest mob in the world.
we have big hulking scottish body builders, army vets, critical mothers and then there is my extended family that is here ... like my grandparents, who dont even speak english to a level that id think i could explain to them what i am.

i had just started school and because of my previous experience, had some fair respect from the lecturers and other students .. and then there was my business .. i am an artist, so i rely on the fact that people will come to me and do business with me ..

but ... the way i look at it .. this is my life .. i have one of them, so why would i let others dictate what id want to do.
i told everyone .. of the actual people who i know .. i have not had a single problem. they all either straight away understood it was my choice, or .. one person took one day too come around and understand.

now, im not saying that things will be as easy for everyone .. but people can surprise you.
if this is really truly what you want to do with Your life ... then why not just take it one step at a time .. tell one person at a time and see how it goes.
yes, it is daunting .. i was terrorfied each time i got up and told people. hell, i even stood up infront of about 20 people and told them (my classmates) and then had to sit down quickly before i passed out.
its not a walk in the park .. but since then, life has been moving towards just how i want it.

dont let others dictate your life .. including me.
as my wife says .. it may not be easy, but it is simple.
figure on what youd like to do with your own life and then do that thing. and whatever happens, im sure you will find at least some support that will go with you .. i know all the people here would be here to hear your tales and support you.
hope this helps.
D.

[~Kitty GG~]

I just have one suggestion:

Don't ask for permission.

When you tell people about your decisions and your goals in life. If you're asking/begging for acceptance they have the option to deny you. They may see it as a means to stop you. They mean well of course. Many will be worried that you're making a mistake or that you're setting yourself up for difficulties. And by asking for this permission/acceptance from them you are in a way showing that you're not 100% sure/ready... that you're asking them to help you make the decision. Rather than asking them to accept the decision YOU have made.

Now if you can go to these same people and say in effect, I've made this decision and I hope you will support me - but if you can't I understand if you choose to not be part of my life.

This way you aren't condemning anyone who genuinely can not deal with diversity. You are respecting their choices in life.

And this way there's no option #3 of sticking around but making it hard for you.. no option of always trying to show you how wrong you are.

Many who are unsure at first will have to hold their tongue and try to accept. Because they will see that they can't hold you back.. and in the meantime you'll be getting happier and presenting yourself as the new you. And before they know it.. they'll have accepted and begun supporting you.

Good Luck, L&H
~Kitty~

[EricaCD]

If you work for a larger company, a first step in dealing with the work issue would be to go visit the director of human resources. Usually they will be as discreet as the law permits (or requires, which may be applicable in the UK), and you can begin a discussion on the mundane operational parts of changing your presented gender at work. Many midsize to larger companies are getting more sophisticated in their dealings with TG individuals. If nothing else, you may get a realistic sense of the likely impact of this change on your professional life. And, of course, should you decide NOT to change, you will not have irrevocably changed matters at work.

Erica

[tammie]

Hi All: Gemma I am with Celeste and Erica, if U have been getting on for 25 yrs then U have a lot at stake here. Aside from the good will of your coworkers customers etc. there is your retirement I should think. If U live alone then U should have lots of time to dress, perhaps U can find some middle ground like underdressing at work, and using a little clear lip gloss or pink at work. Do U intend to have SRS? If not then U may find its ffun once ona while to be male too.

[Billijo49504]

All I can say about your decision, is it's your's to make. But good luck on what you decide. I hope you find your happyness...:hugs: BJ

[sherri]

I presume you are interested in continuing a modified yet "normal" life as compared to the relatively outrageous lifestyles adopted by many of the "tgirls" out there. If so, you won't be the first pioneer by any means, but have no doubt that you will be joining them in blazing the trail -- I think "the bleeding edge" is the appropriate term. There will almost certainly be a price to pay.

Which isn't to say that it won't be worth it to you; only you can decide that. Gurls are outing with greater frequency, visibility is increasing and things are changing. Not all of us can justify the potential cost -- heck, not all of us even want a 24/7 commitment -- but I think all of us are grateful for those who lead the way.

[Tina Dixon]

Then remain a crossdresser, where your drag stuff when needed, you need your job to buy more girlie things and you need your family I guess, but what ever be your self.

[Laurie Ann]

Gemma, I know you will make the right decision for you.

[Julie Avery]

I'm with Laurie Ann, "only you can make the decision".

Were it me, I would not come out to everyone indiscriminately. There is too much hostility out there toward mtf cd's, I don't need it or want it. I want to come out more than I have, but I want to pick my spots.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Gemma,
Im with Nikki on this one. I wouldn't dream of advising you either way, but whatever you do decide to do, realise this. You wouldn't lose all of your friends because youve got lots of understanding ones on here, and you'll always have me an Jay. I would say tho like Gypsy Karen. I hope youve really thought this through because once its out theres no going back.
Love ya
BEVxxxx

[Julie York]

I sort of understand your position...but not really.

So can I ask a few questions? They are well meant.

If you are not declaring yourself as TS then what mental state of being is it you are thinking is missing when you are at work? If you were a GG and had to wear a company uniform that was trousers and smart shirt.....would you be any less female? Would the average woman feel deprived of their 'real' self by having to wear trousers and a white shirt and no makeup? Or do you feel that you are supressing some other form of expression than the obvious clothing?

I think if you are playing mind games with yourself, (in when you are fem or not fem), that the answer will be in somehow adjusting the picture you have of what is really going on and what you regard as your true self.

Imagine for a moment that you could be truly YOU, but wear the company uniform. What would that require that you are not able to do at the moment? If the company uniform is no makeup, no nail polish, company trousers, company shirt.....would a real GG feel deprived of their ability to be themselves? Or is it your own mindset that is making it this way? Or is there some other form of expression of your 'real' self that is being supressed?

[DonnaT]

Gemma. you've not been out and about very long. Might this just be a bit of euphoria you've been feeling from being able to get out?

I suggest giving yourself more time, more varied experiences, before deciding on a 24/7 lifestyle.

[suzanne claire]

Since you live alone there is the advantage that you can dress most of the time without incurring the distain of others or any negative influences in your life.While it is your decision the tone of your email appears to indicate that coming out might create more problems than advantages.Please be wise and careful.:love:

[Jillian310]

I would think the job thing through long and hard. I know what the discrimination laws are in the USA, but employers 'have their ways' to discard employees without expressing the true reason for taking action. The long hard fight that follows is time consuming and expensive. (See the movie Philadelphia starring Tom Hanks.)

[btmgrl6]

[QUOTE=sherri]I presume you are interested in continuing a modified yet "normal" life as compared to the relatively outrageous lifestyles adopted by many of the "tgirls" out there.

What is this supposed to mean? I consider myself to be "tgirl" as you put it. I don't consider my lifestyle as outragous. I am self employed, own my own home, attend church, dress and act my age, and I am active in my community.
How many "tgirls" do you actually know?....out there.

As for coming out...Tough call. I did it and the cost was dear. However it was the best decision I ever made..no regrets. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, but it was one hell of a lot better than where I was.
i had to make new some new friends. I was pretty much rejected by about 95% of my family, and I moved to a new home. If you can get past coming out to family and friends maybe (as someone else suggested) you adjust back to drab while working. If things go well and as you get more comfortable, maybe you begin to work on the employment issue......One day at a time.
Been there done that!

Steph

[Maria D]

Jillian, the rights of workers in the U.K. are well covered in law, and TS and gay rights are covered. You can't be fired for being either, and though of course a bad employer could fire you, a tribunal would be extremely likely to rule in your favour, especially if prior conduct and work-ability was of a high standard. I was a model of behavior before coming out, but as it was they were fantastic. Of course, that presupposes that Gemma would be classed as TS. CDs are not considered as having the same 'need' to, say, crossdress at work. TS is a condition that needs treatment and 'cure'. Heh.

Julie York does have an interesting point. If not TS, what would you describe someone who crossdresses full time as? A non-op TS is still a TS, so how about a non-hormone and other stuff TS? Or just full time CD? Hmmm.
The reason I wonder is that since transition, my work attire has, as Julie sort of mentioned, changed very little. I wear jeans and a top or T-shirt, can't be bothered with make-up and my hair is a bird's nest joke. So what's the difference since transition? I'm Maz, not Greg, that's what. I changed, not my clothes. I'll make an ugly woman, but it's the wo I'm after, not the trappings if that makes sense.
Oh, and 9 hours in high heels without a break to sit... it hurts ok?

So I am interested, what is it you want Gemma? Is it about you or the clothes? I think either is valid as long as you're happy, though I'm not sure it's always easy to seperate which is important, since so much value is placed on the gender of clothes that they can become confused with gender itself. Only a woman wears tights, so putting wearing tights is an inherently feminine act. But as you find out, it doesn't make you a woman.

I hope at least some of that made sense, I feel so tired lately.

Take care :)

[az_azeel]

Hi Gemma,
I love dressing up but only in private. B4 I was married I to lived alone and could dress 24/7 if i wished. I do consider myself a private person. I know through past experiance that this country does not accept c/ding easily. I feel there is a lot of biased people, ie people who are so called friends but dismiss you because they either disagree with an opinion (might be about football) or you dont quite fit into "there" lifestyle.. I would hate for my family and friends to find out about me. There are a lot of very nice people out there and I am glad I joined this forum... but its also nice to keep myself to myself.. good luck on whatever decision you make
just be carefull

take care

az_azeel

[myrat]

I agree here with many of the posts in that ultimately it has to be your decision.I was employed with the same employer for over 35years, and was tempted to come out via the H.R.Dept. for most of those years, but didnt. Do i regret it now, of course i do, but that is with the the experience of hind sight, and we all know about the merits of hindsight are.
I sincerely wish you well in whatever decision you make, and as has been said, you may lose some of your so called friends on the way, but as you can see you have so many here.
Best Wishes,
Myra

[Bev06 GG]

[QUOTE=Julie York]I sort of understand your position...but not really.

So can I ask a few questions? They are well meant.

If you are not declaring yourself as TS then what mental state of being is it you are thinking is missing when you are at work? If you were a GG and had to wear a company uniform that was trousers and smart shirt.....would you be any less female? Would the average woman feel deprived of their 'real' self by having to wear trousers and a white shirt and no makeup? Or do you feel that you are supressing some other form of expression than the obvious clothing?
QUOTE]
MMMmmm thats really made me think Julie, because Im a Youth/Playworkerby profession and I have to wear trousers and sweat shirt, with the minimum of makeup. And to be honest, Yeah, I dont feel deprived or less female. What an interesting thought.
BEVxxx

[Gemma Rhodes]

Thanks for all your replies girls. I am certainly going to think long and hard before I make any life changing decisions but I just find myself wanting to be Gemma more and more and its a real downer having to go to work everyday in drab unfeminine clothes. I work backoffice at a local electrical retailer and as such there is no actual uniform I wear, I just need to be fairly smart thats all. None of my work colleagues have got a clue about Gemma (I think I got away with the nail polish incident a few months ago).

Family wise I reckon may not be a problem as I have a fairly good idea that my mum suspects. I do have an elder brother and sister who are none the wiser .My brother would be ok I think but my sister would be really jealous as I reckon I look better than her when dressed andmy arse isn't as fat.

Not going to make any rash decisons for a while, going to weigh up how much I would have to gain against how much I would lose and then will start to do something (if anything) to start living the rest of my life how I want to.


Gemma xx