Very nervous!!

[cambow GG]

I joined the forum a few weeks ago(sometime after Easter) and have applied for the GG forum. I am not sure where to ask my questions yet but am trying not to offend anyone here.
I like knowing there is somewhere to read about and talk to others just like myself and my husband.
I am trying very hard to accept this part of his life because I realize it is an integral part of him. One that ignoring and rejecting for 30 years has caused him emotional pain and even physical.:( :( Can anyone answer this question for me?? I have not felt any change in my feelings for my husband since he came out, I have even bought him several items and got him wearing them under his clothes at home, but there is a part of me that is feeling a lot of pain over the whole thing. If looking at his feminine clothes, buying them for him and talking about the future with both of us participating does not bother me then why do I have this feeling of hurt that won't go away???
I just need some input from those of you who have been where we are now.
Thank you so much!

[Jennaie]

I joined the forum a few weeks ago(sometime after Easter) and have applied for the GG forum. I am not sure where to ask my questions yet but am trying not to offend anyone here.
I like knowing there is somewhere to read about and talk to others just like myself and my husband.
I am trying very hard to accept this part of his life because I realize it is an integral part of him. One that ignoring and rejecting for 30 years has caused him emotional pain and even physical.:( :( Can anyone answer this question for me?? I have not felt any change in my feelings for my husband since he came out, I have even bought him several items and got him wearing them under his clothes at home, but there is a part of me that is feeling a lot of pain over the whole thing. If looking at his feminine clothes, buying them for him and talking about the future with both of us participating does not bother me then why do I have this feeling of hurt that won't go away???
I just need some input from those of you who have been where we are
Thank you so much!


I am sure that the GG's here will take care of you. I am sure that they can help you understand the feelings that your going through. Be patient and give them time to respond. You did come to the right place. :hugs:

[Anita Mae GG]

You are hurt because you feel betrayed and untrusted and aren't sure where this will all lead. We have all been there (most of us). You need to take your time, don't rush him or yourself into anything you both aren't ready for. Communicate and educate...those are the biggies. Good Luck Hon and welcome....we are here for you both:hugs:

[Katiegirl]

Hi cambow welcome to this site and don't worry about what you post I'm sure most of us non- GG's will be helpful.

You ask if we suffer both mental and physical pain, yes to mental pain many get depression I think from a guilt complex of wanting to dress in womens clothing. I go through bouts of it and so far have couped without drugs, but many do not and need medical help.

Physical pain for me has been migraines, when I was younger I had them often but I live alone and excepted that being a cd is part of me for good or bad, they are not so often

The other most often asked question by GG's is are you homosexual - most cds are not, and that includes me.

I am sure you will get many replies and I hope you find them useful.

I am sure you will be included in the GG forum soon where you can ask other GGs questions.

You have taken the first step in trying to understand your husband I hope you find some answers

:)

[Emily Ann Brown]

Tammy Marie has hit it on the head. Wife still gets that funny look, and then she mentions she cannot believe I kept that part of me from her and how much that hurts.

Emily Ann

[Karren H]

I think my wife wasn't as upset that I crossdressed, she was more upset that I lied to her for almost 30 years!! And rebuilding that trust takes time and were still working through the process! Good luck!

And I can't believe Emily Ann didn't hide her guns any better that she hid her fem clothing!! Hehehe


Love Karren

[Anita Mae GG]

And rebuilding that trust takes time and were still working through the process!


This is so true!! I think no matter HOW long you have known days, months years....it is ALWAYS a process of trust and learning from each other. There will be compromising on things probably from now until the day you die. It is an ONGOING thing, there is no set solution. Just communicating and working TOGETHER to make sure you are both happy, comfortable, and above all....know how you feel about things. ALWAY ALWAYS ALWAYS.....tell each other how you feel about CDing and the issues related to it.!!!

One more thing....remember that he has lived with this secret most likely for a LONG time and feeling comfortable enough to tell you is a HUGE step. He has felt hurt, ashamed and scared of what you might think of him, fear of losingyou because of this. ...Look at it this way, he trusts you enough to tell you this secret, THAT is a big sign of his love and devotion to you (despite keeping it from you, he was just afraid of losing you) That is how much he cares......try to look at the betrayal that way. That is how he sees it I'm sure :)

[Bev06 GG]

I think my wife wasn't as upset that I crossdressed, she was more upset that I lied to her for almost 30 years!! And rebuilding that trust takes time and were still working through the process! Good luck!
Love Karren
I think that Karen is a very valid point. When your in a relationship with someone, especially a close one, you dont have any secrets. Or atleast you dont think that you have. Dressing is a huge part of a Crossdressers personality, and for a long term wife or partner to find out after years of her partner participating in dressing must surely not only come as a shock, but open up all sorts of questions about how well you really knew your partner in the first place. Quite unfounded really tho because we all have a side of us that we keep to ourselves, however close we are to our loved ones. And then there is the lying aspect, altho we can understand why a crossdresser would choose not to disclose his secret for fear of losing all, it must be quite upsetting knowing that someone you love so much has been so deceitful and not trusted you with such an important part of his character. Without sounding like we GGs are control freaks, we are very relationship based and we do feel quite flattered when someone trusts us enough to share something very personal and intimate especially if its our spouse.
BEVxxxx

Cambow,
You have definitely come to the right site. You will receive lots of help and support on here, from both CDs and GGs. Theyre a lovely bunch of people on here and very supportive. I know that ive not only learnt alot since being a member but I feel that ive made lots of friends who really care and are there for me. Its sort of like being a member of a huge extended family. I know that they will all make you feel welcome and will do their level best to answer your questions etc. Dont be frightened of asking anything, honestly when I look back at some of the things Ive written in the past Im amazed that I haven't been shot down in flames because I must have sounded so ignorant. I have never intended to offend anyone but I bet in my ignorance I could have easily done. The CDs on here have heard it all before and are quite seasoned and well versed in educating and advising those of us who are new to all of this, without making us feel inadequate or too wet between the ears.
And dont feel guilty about the way you feel. Give yourself a chance, its early days and youve discovered something quite unique that everyone deals with in a different way. Your doing just fine so just take each day as it comes and dont try to over complicate things.
Take care of yourself
Love BEVxxxx

[Julie Avery]

Cambow, I'm a crossdresser, like your husband. I don't have the answers to your questions, but it's good to see you here, making an effort to come to terms with what you're (and he's) wrestling with. I wish you, and your husband, the best.

[Julie York]

Hi cambow.
What you are feeling is just normal nerves. When a situation feels like you haven't got a full understanding of it, that makes anyone feel unnerved and apprehensive. But you're doing all the right things..so you think it should be o.k. and it doesn't feel that way. You are doing great, it is just that you need to know more and get a handle on it to feel like you are more in control and then you can relax knowing you can make informed decisions.

Good luck.

[DonnaT]

I there is a part of me that is feeling a lot of pain over the whole thing. If looking at his feminine clothes, buying them for him and talking about the future with both of us participating does not bother me then why do I have this feeling of hurt that won't go away???

Welcome to the forum.

First, you need to identify the hurt before you can get passed it or learn to cope with it.

There have been suggestions above with regard to the hurt, but can you articulate what the hurt is you are feeling?

[Kimberley]

Welcome Cambow,
I am a TV/CD/TG/TS or whatever label you want to put on it; it isnt important. The deception is the real problem and yes you have every right to feel the way you do. I am not going to make excuses because it was wrong. I went through this with my wife and the pain it has caused me since coming out is probably worse than if I had kept the secret. So you are to be commended for even trying to understand. You may never truly understand but believe me, your husband does appreciate it more than you can know.

It is important to enlist the help of the other GG's. (Gaining access to their forum is difficult but for very good reason. Dont give up, it takes time.)

The other and more important thing you have to do is keep the lines open between you and your husband. I cant stress this enough. We grow up with the terrible trio of Shame, Guilt and Fear so do both of you a favour and go gently.

Coming out is a HUGE leap of faith for any of us, and believe me it is a leap of faith. We trust that we wont be rejected or even worse, ridiculed. Remember he has a lifetime of this baggage to reconcile and needs you more than ever. I feel very confident in saying that his feelings for you havent changed, but his appreciation for your attempt to understand has probably elevated you to the level of goddess in his mind. His coming out is an act of unconditional love. I cant put it any more bluntly than that.

Now for your personal needs. Negotiate middle ground. Many of us have a tendancy to go overboard after coming out, so make sure that he understands your needs and establish limits both of you can live with.

He is still the same person you married. He still has that empathy and understanding, the devotion, and all the other good things that attracted you in the beginning. All that has changed is that now you know his deepest secret and what's more, the reasons for those qualities I just mentioned.

Finally, you have come to the right place. There are a lot of level headed people here who will give you honest answers to your questions and feelings. Please, take advantage of it as much as you can.

Huge :hugs:

Kimberley.

[kittypw GG]

:hello: :welcom: Glad you are hear Cambow. I sent you a pm and I am looking forward to seeing you in the girl talk section. You have come to the right place. You are not alone and so many of us can relate to what you are feeling. Settle in an take a breath. There are many that are quite funny here so look forward to that. See ya round Kitty.

[~Dee~]

my kitty accepts me absolutely totally .... now.
:happy:
but i know that when i told her her initial thoughts were that i was trying to get rid of her .. trying to scare her away ..
nothing was further from the truth .. i wanted to be rid of the lies and distance that it was causing between us.

she came to the realisation that i wouldnt tell her something and arm her if i was trying to get rid of her ..
but it still took a little while in order to come to terms with things.

its hard to adaot instantly to any new situation .. it takes time.
especially when you include the hurt of not knowing .. trust needs to be earned back again .. it may not be the same loss of trust as some other situations, but its still there .. and its still a wound .. you have to give it time to heal. time alone doesnt do a thing though .. its something thats worked out between the two of you .. sitting down and discussing it and working through it is the best thing you could do.

soon it starts to become normal and the wound heals and things start to just flow. i know that our life is starting to feel very normal to us .. in fact its easier for kitty to use female pronouns that it is for me to .. i still catch myself sometimes.
it just takes time to come to terms with it all.

i know that when i came out .. the both of us sat down and did as much research as we could .. sharing our thoughts and feelings .. to learn where the other one was.
and when we found that there were others like us .. wow .. that was just weird :D .. and i remember kitty got onto yahoo messenger with one of the other gg's we had talked with and just ... well, just spilled .. and that helped to clear the air ..
i dont even know if the other gg got to type a word or not .. :p .. but im sure kitty will give you her side of this story ;)
just dont give up .. it sounds you have it together, just a little shakey.
good luck.

[Joy Carter]

My SO has know since about it for over thirty years she will not even try to understand, lives in denial. So it causes us both great stress we love each other very much but she just can't handle it. So I take it easy on her but it's always the same emotional thing the same "but what about the family" etc. I just think the emotional upset and the strees is just to much to not talk about it. You are atleast trying to understand don't copromise your own self for him but at the same time try to understand where he is comming from. Hope this makes sence. :hugs:

[Tracy_Victoria]

I joined the forum a few weeks ago(sometime after Easter) and have applied for the GG forum. I am not sure where to ask my questions yet but am trying not to offend anyone here.
I like knowing there is somewhere to read about and talk to others just like myself and my husband.
I am trying very hard to accept this part of his life because I realize it is an integral part of him. One that ignoring and rejecting for 30 years has caused him emotional pain and even physical.:( :( Can anyone answer this question for me?? I have not felt any change in my feelings for my husband since he came out, I have even bought him several items and got him wearing them under his clothes at home, but there is a part of me that is feeling a lot of pain over the whole thing. If looking at his feminine clothes, buying them for him and talking about the future with both of us participating does not bother me then why do I have this feeling of hurt that won't go away???
I just need some input from those of you who have been where we are now.
Thank you so much!

Hi Cambow

I think your feeling are very natural in this case, I'm sure My partner (SO) would agree with much of what you ,have written, in fact only yesterday she had the courage to tell me she had a little "Why Me" Session and to be honest, I can fully understand that, after all it a feeling I get myself, it is rare, but sometimes I do thing, "Why am I doing this" yet another day you wake up, and you just need to dress!

I think your handling this the right way, your bound to have feelings like you do, and if your husband is anything like me, he probably has some pain for putting you through this, I told Raksha, as much as I enjoy my crossdressing if there was a cure, or a pill, I'd take it, but I know there isn't, and to be honest, I know others just can't understand the feeling or buzz we get from doing this, hence it being so difficult to understand why from the outside, or sidelines.

I can only tell you haw raksha and I are handling it, and that is slowly, small steps each time working to a larger goal, dispite seeing me fully dressed in the past, were now, taking small steps, she tries to raise the subject when she can, I try not to make it my only subject of comunication. ie she is here with me, because she wanted a guy, not a girl, so my job is to forfill that role fully for her, so she can have what she wants, making it easier for her to give a little for me.

Ie make it a fun time between you, not time you loath, last week I painted Raksha tonails for here and she did mine (small steps, and we had a laugh doing it) although she thought I would remove it instantly, I didn't infact there still painted now, we did this messing about, and if anybody was to ask, I would say, it was just a bit of fun, which is totally what it was, there was noting else involved, but a bottle of nail varnish!

your fears are totally explainable, and understandable, I know raksha's fear used to be that I would change, and this would take over my life, it never has and never will, to me it's a bit of fun and thats all. it never has changed, nor will it ever do so, but i'm sure it took raksha a long time to accept that.

Hence talk to him, find out where he wants this to go, and make your guidelines. to work to, take it slowly, but the one thing I realised out of all our talking, is as much as Raksha needs to understand my needs, I also need to understand hers,

ie I know she has good days, and bad days, and that I totally understand!

[TGMarla]

Perhaps somewhere inside, you are feeling inadequate and that he dresses and presents as a woman due to your shortcomings as a woman. You may also see his dressing as a threat, and worry about what he will do in the future. But really, this just is not the case. It has nothing to do with you, and you are probably one of the best things in his life. He is likely not gay, or transexual. He likely does not see any shortcomings in you as a woman. But he could be with the best woman for him the world has ever seen, and he'd still dress up. So rest assured, it's not you. Chin up!

[Sandra]

Hi cambow,

Just give yourself and him some time and perhaps talking to him about how you feel infact how you both feel,don't keep things from each other it only makes it worse.

[~Kitty GG~]

Hi Cambow,

I've heard the 'getting used to' stage compaired to grieving. Its something that takes time to work through.

Its a time of feelings and thoughts bouncing from one extreme to the other. A time of a million questions.

Normal will set in again. Its good for you and your SO to take extra time for talking about feelings, questions, expectations.. and also to communicate your acceptance for one another. The CD in the relationship usually needs to hear that they are ok, and still loved, respected and wanted. But the SO in the relationship could do with some assurance that they are loved, respected and wanted as well.

Dee and I bonded with an 'us against the world' attitude. That no matter what the rest of the world thought.. we were in this together. And that helped me a lot.

I'm sure that in no time you'll be advising new GG's and sharing your insights.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[carol ann]

Cambow
I am a CD whose wife 'found me out' a few years ago. We had a full conversation at the time. I explained where I came from , although not fully the extent or degree of urge. I told her that I had had kept it hidden from her because tha last thing in the world that i wanted to do was to cause her or any of our family hurt or embarrassment. In that sense i felt very guilty about my crossdressing because i understood that people felt it was not a natural inclination or thing to do.

My wife was very sympathetic and turned it to some degree on herself, assuming that my motivation was totally sexual and that I crossdressed because of inadequacies in our relationship. i assured her that was not the case, although I would be totally dishonest to pretend there is not some sexual awareness in dressing. In the days and weeks that followed she was particularly warm and loving but she never again mentioned the subject and I drew by inference that it was something she did not want to be part of in any way.

Hence, I returned to the closet, and there, i suspect I will remain for the rest of my life.

Whilst you may feel hurt because of a feeling of lack of trust, there is almost a certainty that he hid the desires from you because he did not want to hurt you and was afraid you might reject him because you thought him to be un-natural.

For the future, if you love him, I suggest you don't go overboard one way or another. Let him know you are there for him and that you will accept the pace that he sets as far as you can. You, also, will want to consider the wider family relationships

[cambow GG]

I just want to thank all of you who responded. Many things said hit a nerve. My hubby and I have talked literally until the sun came up many nights since this came out. Unlike many I do not feel betrayed because he didn't tell me. That I can totally understand and feel terrible for the guilt it has caused him. I was not angry for this part of him, I can say truthfully I know he has no choice because of the person he is. This is a part of him and I can now see it in other areas of our lives together.
He has always loved seeing me dressed up and the more feminine I looked the more he appreciated the time it took to get that way. He still loves me in my sweats, which with four kids get a lot more use than my 5" spikes with silver studs!!!
He is such a loving, caring person and always made me feel that I could be myself with him and he would love me anyway he could get me. I feel a lot of pain at the thought that he couldn't feel that in the twelve years we've been together. I feel guilty I think because that freedom is something not many people have in their relationships. I'm sad he has spent so much time wondering if I would leave him if I found out. That fear just breaks my heart. For him and anyone else who has to live with that. It's just really sad.
I am trying really hard to identify the source of my pain so I can deal with it and get to the good part of our life together, I am just not able to put a finger on it exactly. Yes, it is grieving. I have felt that a lot in my life and I recognize it for what it is but yet I don't feel I should be grieving, after all he is still here with me every step of the way.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. You truly are great!

[Wenda]

I just want to thank all of you who responded. Many things said hit a nerve. My hubby and I have talked literally until the sun came up many nights since this came out. Unlike many I do not feel betrayed because he didn't tell me. That I can totally understand and feel terrible for the guilt it has caused him. I was not angry for this part of him, I can say truthfully I know he has no choice because of the person he is. This is a part of him and I can now see it in other areas of our lives together.
He has always loved seeing me dressed up and the more feminine I looked the more he appreciated the time it took to get that way. He still loves me in my sweats, which with four kids get a lot more use than my 5" spikes with silver studs!!!
He is such a loving, caring person and always made me feel that I could be myself with him and he would love me anyway he could get me. I feel a lot of pain at the thought that he couldn't feel that in the twelve years we've been together. I feel guilty I think because that freedom is something not many people have in their relationships. I'm sad he has spent so much time wondering if I would leave him if I found out. That fear just breaks my heart. For him and anyone else who has to live with that. It's just really sad.
I am trying really hard to identify the source of my pain so I can deal with it and get to the good part of our life together, I am just not able to put a finger on it exactly. Yes, it is grieving. I have felt that a lot in my life and I recognize it for what it is but yet I don't feel I should be grieving, after all he is still here with me every step of the way.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. You truly are great!
Wow! you are the SO that may on this forum would fight for. The other gurls have said it all, don't beat yourself up. This has little or nothing to do with your adequacies or inadequacies. If you love and trust each other this can actually strengthen your relationship. As one of the other girls mentioned, the "us against the world" attitude. When my gf realized and believed that I was still the guy she wanted, not gay, not rejecting her, she discovered a new shopping buddy, Wenda, and discovered Jaya, her somewhat domineering persona, both healthy. You are SO Far ahead of many people in this experience, you are going in the right directions. Carry on, camper!

[cambow GG]

Thanks!!:)
And yes, many times in the last month I have told my husband that it does not matter what the rest of the world believes. It only matters what we think. It is our life and we are the ones who will be living in it, not anyone else.
I like the "us against the world" thought. I think that will be my new motto!!:tongueout
And it is kind of like knowing a really good joke that no one else knows!

[Glenda Grant]

I can so relate to what you are saying. I am also new to this with few posts and wanting to get into the GG section myself. My feelings are so similar to yours in how I feel about my love for my husband and how I intellectialy feel about his CD but I guess it's the emotional side that causes the pain.

[Kelli Taylor]

hello cambow,

My name is Kelli (not real name) I too am in my thirtys and been doing this for as long as I can remember. My wife also knows but has never really bought me anything (too picky)lol. To make a long story short if you would like to chat either online or by phone please e-mail me and let me know either way. Don't worry you sound like you have it together somewhat. You just need someone to talk to, so do we!!!!