Does Crossdressing=Selfishness??

[Anita Mae GG]

I am curious, in light of a recent thread I really began to think about a lot of things I read on here.

There are threads/posts about not getting caught. About blaming the wife when she won't except. About the wife or SO coming home early or staying home sick and ruining "dressing time" .

All I seem to hear is "me me me". Please tell me I'm wrong and the majority of you are selfish and aren't ALWAYS thinking about dressing and how/when to do it and who gets in your way etc..................I never really hear empathy that much.....is it part of being a CD? Trying to do WHATEVER you can to dress? I am honestly trying to understand if this is part of it all. IS it that much of an obsession that is clouds your vision to reality sometimes???

This is a serious thread. I am in no way trying to put down anyone. I am honestly curious if this is connected to crossdressing and if it is some sort of obsession or something.

[Deborah]

See taking away from my dressing time by making me respond to your thread. Typical :rolleyes:




LOL seriously it's not about dressing for me and i can do it whenever i want to. Eexcept when kids are not in school and i have no problem with that. I'll just wait until they go to bed if i'm even alert enough to do it. ;)
Oh and i don't have an SO so that isn't an issue. :D

[Megan72]

Tammy:
I very seriously hope that these issues are not part of our alter ego. I can't remember ever doing the things that you are taking about, however I am prone to fixating on my next out of town trip for some "me" time. While I do dress at home occasionally, I take many trips out of town and dress exclusivly on them.

Maybe it is selfish but I do not harbor any ill feelings or resentment when I desire to be alone and my SO is there with me. I cherish that time as well.

[Yes I am]

Being in the closet breeds selfishness, duplicitousness, and resentment. And ultimately, really, it's not anyone else's fault except for the one who makes the decision to live the lie.

[michelle-h]

I don't feel like I am being selfish. I try and wait for times that it is OK with my wife, and I always ask her if it is OK. Last Friday was the first time I had dressed in about a month. I knew my wife would be gone most of the evening, so I made arrangements for the kids to stay with my parents. I told my wife that I would be "relaxing" while she was gone. She was OK with that. I want to dress more, but it just doesn't work out most of the time, and I can deal with that. So I don't feel that I am being selfish, but that I am being as accommodating as possible given my needs. Just my opinion.

Michelle-h

[Jenn2716]

I would like to think that there are crossdressers out there who may be selfish and that there are crossdressers that are very empathic (sp?). It's just like any other selection of society. I know personally, I can be selfish at times about my crossdressing. But I can also be selfish about other things. (like not wanting to share my desert, sorry honey!?)

Perhaps you are seeing more of these threads simply because this is a crossdressing specific board and its only logical for them to vent here if they have a complaint regarding their cding. In fact, it may be the only place that they can release their frustration so that it does not build up and impact their real life relationship with their SO or family and friends.

That's just one person's opinion. I'm no expert.

[Bernice]

Gosh, Tammi! Certainly if anyone on this forum has earned the right to put us on the spot, it is a supportive and helpful angel such as yourself.

Uhm... Uhm... as I struggle to form a meaningful reply...

I think selfishness is a common (an unattractive) trait in all humans. I don't feel qualified to generalize about whether or not CDrs are more selfish than the average person. I do think I see what you see in many of the remarks here on the forum. Some people seem to feel "entitled" to dress with little to no regard for how it may make others feel. I don't share that perspective. I think that such at least borders on selfishness. I try not to be selfish.

I dress at almost any opportunity, even now. For the moment, the house is to myself. Before my younger brother returns late this afternoon, I must change. He is recovering from a traumatic brain injury, and in my view he is unable to handle the revelation that I am a CDr, and I would fear that he would approach mother to rewrite the will should she discover that I did not simply "grow out of it" as she hoped.

Is it selfish to want my half when the dreaded day comes? (She is post stroke at age 84)

Is it selfish that I persuaded my brother to live with us for awhile after his violent assault, and after his apartment was burgled, and his bicycle was stolen, knowing this would have a major detrimental affect on how much I could dress? I think I just digressed off topic.

I do not impose my dressing on other people, not even my SO anymore, not after an unpleasant incident in 1977.

Do I sometimes arrange time to myself, or even look forward to it? Yes. I've gotten dressed when I thought I had as little as 10 minutes to enjoy it. Does this make me selfish? I'm not sure I can answer. Not everything in life is black and white.

Good question Tammy!

[Lilith Moon]

I would tend to agree with Jenni...this is a forum for those with an interest in Crossdressing and many of us come here for support. Part of that support, for many of us, consists of a sympathetic shoulder to cry on..or to use a less sympathetic way of putting it...to have a selfish winge.

On a more personal note...I didn't ask to be a crossdresser, I just am. That means that I have intense needs that are currently difficult to reconcile with the expectations of those around me. I spend most of my time conforming, just to keep everyone happy...while at the same time counting down the hours/minutes/seconds until I can dress without upsetting anyone. Yes, I do think about it a lot and I do consider much of what goes on around me as an obstacle to my crossdressing. Label me selfish if you want, but my "selfish" feelings are a reaction to the conflict between this constantly nagging need and what I'm actually allowed to do.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Well stone me again girls.......you are right Tammy, we are some of the most self centered persons on the planet. I am constantly amazed at how we want it all OUR way. Frosts my cookies sometimes, okay....a lot of times.

Now on my mark start the stoning! :hiding:


Emily Ann

[Anita Mae GG]

Thanks gurls for the honest replies. It is very insight to see it from your eyes as I could never see it (obviously being a GG) Thanks again. This is very interesting :)

[Julie York]

Perhaps you are seeing more of these threads simply because this is a crossdressing specific board and its only logical for them to vent here if they have a complaint regarding their cding. In fact, it may be the only place that they can release their frustration so that it does not build up and impact their real life relationship with their SO or family and friends.

That's just one person's opinion. I'm no expert.

That's an excellent post. :thumbsup: Sums it up well. It is a CD forum after all so the posts will have a bias.


Also, what is often overlooked is the fact that if there are TWO people in a relationship....and one of them is saying YOU can't do something! No middle ground. No compromise. No discussion. You can't do it BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO.

So a lot of Cds think..."Why should she have her own way? Why is she being so selfish? Why is she being so unsympathetic.".etc when this is a part of that person's personal expression and gives them pleasure.

Imagine if you love art and your wife forbids you to ever paint. Or you love music and your partner says they hate it, and you must never play music EVER. Or...you can't have a bacon sandwich!......It wouldn't be long before you sneaked off somewhere to paint or listen to music with a bacon butty, because you'd feel that your partner was being unreasonable in their demands when it seems such a simple and harmless pleasure.


So it's no wonder they do it secretly and feel resentful and angry and come across as being selfish.

[Sandy2628]

For me I think if only of myself in dressing. I told my wife last year and it broke her heart. I was only thinking of myself when I told her, so maybe I could dress more. I did not think of how it would hurt her or her response. I was only thinking of myself. Yes I think I am very selfish.

[Dixie Darling]

Tammy,

I would think that this depends on the individual and each person’s particular situation. There is no doubt that, yes, some crossdressers are selfish and way too obsessive with their dressing. I can understand this a lot more with those who DON’T have acceptance or even tolerance from their wives, but for those who DO have acceptance they’re flirting with danger by going too much into “overdrive” with the whole thing. If all they ever want to do is dress, talk about dressing, think about dressing, anticipate dressing, etc, it’s easy to see why a lot of wives who were otherwise accepting of this part of their husband’s personality to get fed up with it in short order.

There’s another side of the coin, however that bears mentioning here. Many of us have come out to our wives/girlfriends only to have been met with rejection or a flat-out immediate refusal to even TRY to understand the need we have. Most of the time this refusal to try to meet their partner half way results in a certain amount of resentment in the CD. He may not even realize it, but this rejection of a part of who he is sometimes creates a resentment of that PART of his significant other that is just as strong as her refusal to try to learn about crossdressing. This can obviously be viewed as selfishness on her part and this is ESPECIALLY true if she goes out of her way to see to it that she eliminates any and all opportunities he might have to dress (post-disclosure). This may sound far-fetched, but believe me- it DOES happen, All it serves to do is drive the crossdresser further into the closet and makes him take more precautions to do what he’s going to do anyway. We all know that sooner or later he’s GOING to grasp an opportunity – no matter how minute it may be – to fulfill his need to dress.

Selfish? Maybe so, but it’s a selfishness that’s a two-way street, depending on how it’s handled with individual couples. The CD who has an accepting wife would do well to take heed not to overdo it and therefore preserve the liberty his S.O. has given him with her acceptance.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Anita Mae GG]

That's an excellent post. :thumbsup: Sums it up well. It is a CD forum after all so the posts will have a bias.


Also, what is often overlooked is the fact that if there are TWO people in a relationship....and one of them is saying YOU can't do something! No middle ground. No compromise. No discussion. You can't do it BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO.

So a lot of Cds think..."Why should she have her own way? Why is she being so selfish? Why is she being so unsympathetic.".etc when this is a part of that person's personal expression and gives them pleasure.

Imagine if you love art and your wife forbids you to ever paint. Or you love music and your partner says they hate it, and you must never play music EVER. Or...you can't have a bacon sandwich!......It wouldn't be long before you sneaked off somewhere to paint or listen to music with a bacon butty, because you'd feel that your partner was being unreasonable in their demands when it seems such a simple and harmless pleasure.


So it's no wonder they do it secretly and feel resentful and angry and come across as being selfish.

You are so right Julie, but then that brings up this point.....if she FORBIDS youto do, then why just sit back (like some cd's do) and complain and whine? If she isn't willing to compromise maybe one shoudl find out WHY etc.

[Anita Mae GG]

Tammy,

I would think that this depends on the individual and each person’s particular situation. There is no doubt that, yes, some crossdressers are selfish and way too obsessive with their dressing. I can understand this a lot more with those who DON’T have acceptance or even tolerance from their wives, but for those who DO have acceptance they’re flirting with danger by going too much into “overdrive” with the whole thing. If all they ever want to do is dress, talk about dressing, think about dressing, anticipate dressing, etc, it’s easy to see why a lot of wives who were otherwise accepting of this part of their husband’s personality to get fed up with it in short order.

There’s another side of the coin, however that bears mentioning here. Many of us have come out to our wives/girlfriends only to have been met with rejection or a flat-out immediate refusal to even TRY to understand the need we have. Most of the time this refusal to try to meet their partner half way results in a certain amount of resentment in the CD. He may not even realize it, but this rejection of a part of who he is sometimes creates a resentment of that PART of his significant other that is just as strong as her refusal to try to learn about crossdressing. This can obviously be viewed as selfishness on her part and this is ESPECIALLY true if she goes out of her way to see to it that she eliminates any and all opportunities he might have to dress (post-disclosure). This may sound far-fetched, but believe me- it DOES happen, All it serves to do is drive the crossdresser further into the closet and makes him take more precautions to do what he’s going to do anyway. We all know that sooner or later he’s GOING to grasp an opportunity – no matter how minute it may be – to fulfill his need to dress.

Selfish? Maybe so, but it’s a selfishness that’s a two-way street, depending on how it’s handled with individual couples. The CD who has an accepting wife would do well to take heed not to overdo it and therefore preserve the liberty his S.O. has given him with her acceptance.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd


Very well said and you are right on that part as Julie was.....

[Marla S]

Selfishness has to be an integral part of being a CD. It is the most natural thing.

In the beginning your all alone, maybe for years or decades. Even if you came out to your SO or someone else you never can be sure that you are not rejected now or later because of you being a CD.

Except for the very few that live openly, all of us live in a situation like this:


LOL seriously it's not about dressing for me and i can do it whenever i want to. Eexcept when kids are not in school and i have no problem with that. I'll just wait until they go to bed if i'm even alert enough to do it.
Oh and i don't have an SO so that isn't an issue.

You have to wait for the right time to dress, while dressed you have to think about when it's time to undress, you think about how it would be if it were different, you think about being read, you are at least suspicious of rejection, etc.

So, it is no wonder that a lot of thoughts circle around clothing and oneself.

[Rikkicn]

I'm a cross dresser and I'm transgendered. I now live full time as a woman and my life has never been better and more joyful. I had to give up a lot to get here. I left a financially rewarding job, big cars, big house, expensive this and that, friends and family and my ex wife.
Everyone of these choices and decisions was difficult to make and even harder to accomplish. The process took me 7 years and most of my savings. I moved to San Francisco from New England so I could be near a supportive, safe and caring community of GLBT folks as well as a spiritual community.
It started with panties and evolved as I listened to my heart and intuition. I also studied and read most everything I could about being gender different. I came to realize and believe that all of us are the same in this respect. We were meant to be here just as were our TG ancestors before us, that have existed for all time.
I've come to believe that It's critical to my spiritual growth and attainment to live my life this way. In deed, the more I honor who I am the better and happier my life becomes.
At one time, in the past I wished it would go away, I wished my sexual desire would go away as well. I thought what was wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why can't I stop? Why Am I obsessing?. With time, patience, study and self care I came to know the answers to these questions and what I wanted and needed to do about it. I needed to be more brave and courageous than I had ever been and lovingly embrace this life's purpose. This IS a spiritual journey and path if we allow it to be so. It's not an obsession, it's determination and resolve. We don't call a flower obsessive for growing in difficult circumstances. We don't call a bird obsessive for sing all morning long. They are doing and being what they are meant to be.
There have always been those that have been ostracized, hated, and persecuted for going against cultural norms. Some buckle under the pressure and some keep going and fighting because they know they are right and they know they are fulfilling their life's purpose and their spiritual purpose. I won't say that it's not a difficult struggle at times, but isn't that how we discover and learn who we really are?
7 years ago I had business friends but no "real" friends. I had a wife but no intimacy. I had a brother but no brotherly love. I really had nothing valuable.
Today, I have more real and close friends than I've ever had. I'm admired for my courage and resolve. I have a partner and deep intimacy. My sexual needs and desires are all being filled with love. I have support and encouragement from all those in my life. I am free to be me.
I look back and see those that are still trying to figure it all out without help or support. I see us struggling with our partners acceptance, support and love. I see us willing to give up who we are to please others. I see us sacrificing our happiness and indeed our lives to keep peace in the family. I see contracts for CDer's with the rules we must follow and live by. It all makes me very sad.
We have the right and the self responsibility to lead the lives we were meant to live.

[Tina Dixon]

You know Tammy you are so right in many ways, and some of the things you say are so true, but don't you ever want time to your self? I think thats what dressing time is to a lot of people here, just time to there selfs, and if that means getting dressed in girlie cloths then thats what they do, beats having us run to the bar and have a cold one don't you think? What will you think when you got time to your self and some thing comes up and takes it from you?

[rory]

Hi Tammie,

I think sometimes in life our need of self survival can be easily taken for selfishness. I know for myslef that I went through some terrible struggles thinking that I was very selfish and uncaring.
I have since learned that
a lot of times in relationships when the issue if selfishness comes up I think that maybe its because someone themsleves may either be feeling neglected or is being negelected.

In either case I think that there should be away to open up a dialogue and to fix the situation. Sometimes The overly sensative spouse may need to have their needs put first.

If its the supportive wife maybe the dressing husband needs to be receptive to her anger or frustration and try to open a dialogue. I don't think it means that he should give up his dressing. But a step backwards to listen might be a positive thing to do.

I also know this. That in my life it took a very long time for me personally to resolve all of this in my head. I can only imagine the same must happen to those we are close to.

Patience is not always a virtue, sometimes its a body in need ;-)

I hope I made some sense.

Life is a roller coaster, might as well try and enjoy it 'Wheeeeeeeee'

Rory

[BlueKat]

I see us struggling with our partners acceptance, support and love. I see us willing to give up who we are to please others. I see us sacrificing our happiness and indeed our lives to keep peace in the family.
A CD should always put spouse and family first. Remember, most spouses/SO's didn't sign up for this ride. CD's can sometimes come across as the most self-centered, selfish, people on the face of the earth. That's what is sad...

[Julie Avery]

It's easy to take a cheap shot at MTF CD's. You won't be publicly ridiculed for doing it. No one will threaten to tell your adult children, "She took a cheap shot at CD's". Etc.

There's been more than a little CD-to-GG partner empathy posted here during my brief tenure.

I wonder, if there were a forum for just GG wives of vanilla males, if you wouldn't find the same self-centered lack of empathy you criticize as allegedly being characteristic of mtf CD's - coming from the GG's, and coupled with them doing the same sort of whining you're engaging in.

I am in no way trying to put down anyone. I am honestly curious if this is connected to being genetically female and if it is some sort of obsession or something.

[stephanie100]

I know Im one of the lucky ones My SO knows accepts and is fine with me as Stephanie at any time.
She helps me buy clothes make up etc and enjoys Steph;s company Am I selfish Maybe but i dont think so
Steph:love:

[Sharon]

Do you really think CD's are more selfish than other segments of society? I don't.

Go to a sports forum, a mother's or wive's forum, or any real world gathering place and you will see the same percentage of selfishness as you find here. I read thread after thread where members say how they sacrifice their desires -- or attempt to -- in order to please their SO's, or to keep from hurting them. And there are the great number who dress in secret, often precariously, in order to keep the peace.

True, we are all selfish at times, me no less than anyone else, but we are also, generally speaking, as giving and selfless as anyone else , if not more so. Maybe it would do well to consider the fact that it unlikely for someone to post how they didn't dress the past couple days because they wanted to be "non-fem" for their SO's, or that they complied when it was requested that they not dress for one reason or another.

[azure]

Crossdressing has a considerable component in terms of egocentric behaviour, serving/ responding to a fetish driven compulsion. The reinforcement being the acquisituion of garments with powerful rule goverened social taboos. Whatever the answer is in terms of where cding originates :genes, an early stage of development, modelling. The individual A.experiences euphoric urges to acquire these garments.and B. rules of society shapes the intensity of the behaviour. C. The behaviour is experienced throughout the individuals lifetime with peaks and troughs of intensity.D. A large percentge of crossdressers experience feelings of alienation, depression, confusion in sexuality, discrimiantion and prejudice, divorce, and living a life on the edge of society. Gay and transendered communities whether cyber based like this or a social group provides a
medium for relation and communication, however such forum can polarise and amplify the expressed views and attitudes. Lots of this is generalisation, common to all some of the time, and some all of the time.

I think we all need a kick up the arse from time to time, a reality check to
keep us objective and earthed, as I was cycling along at 3am I suddenly began thinking of the places in the world where being TG, cding, being gay, holding certain beliefs religious or political will guarantee that you are taken away be those in power, and you are held against your will, tortured and probably killed.

[SherriePall]

Tammy -- I hope that I, and the others here, are not totally selfish. I agree with others that because this is a CD forum, it may seem that way. Your concerns about us sneaking every minute to CD may seem selfish on the surface. Yet, how many non-CDers play golf every chance they get, watch it on TV (you know which TV I mean), and then read the sports pages of the newspapers and sports magazines as much as they can. Apply that to hunters, fishermen, etc.
I do hope that we show empathy and support to our loved ones. I know my family comes first. I have passed up many dressing opportunities to do something with my wife or family. Sometimes, I'll go weeks without dressing completely (full make-up and nails) for a couple of hours. I start feeling cheated, but I have for my family.
Anyhow, thanks for posting a thought-provoking thread.

[Julie York]

You are so right Julie, but then that brings up this point.....if she FORBIDS youto do, then why just sit back (like some cd's do) and complain and whine? If she isn't willing to compromise maybe one should find out WHY etc.

They don't just sit back....they go and dress and fk the consequences! Secretly maybe, but they do! The lack of compromise..you'll have the ask the others. I don't have to compromise with anyone so I don't know what their problems are. If I was in their position I'd either just lie and hide it or I'd be inclined to try and meet a middle ground by talking it out, but others have tried and met a brick wall even though they had the skills of Kissinger.

The whining...as you call it...is someone TRYING to suppress their own desires for the sake of peace. It is frustration coming out because the CD is feeling strangled..just to keep the peace...while the partner is just thinking about " me me me" .....so the CD comes to this forum and expresses their frustration.


:D :D

[Annabel]

Fair question.

It can be selfish, but the problem for us is that this is so fundamental that we can't (have very great difficulty) not do it.

I do worry about what I'd do if this were a sexual thing that directly harmed others - could I stop myself knowing that my deep need hurt would injure someone?

Tricky. Luckily, properly managed, I think that we are ok.

After all, we've gone from Dirk Bogarde in 'Victim' to gay villages and civil partnerships in less than 45 years. And people thought that being gay was directly harmful.

[sparks]

Ya know! I don't want to get on a rant here!
Seriously I do think cding is often selfish! And because it is not often accepted publicly or even privately in the family we tend to obsess about any given time to dress. Whether a minute a day or even an hour it soesn't matter. That time is prescious! When the Cd like myself has an incredible small stash of clothing the oportunity to buy something is the same way.
Now when you put this into a relationship it can be even more difficult. The wife will worry about her own stuff being used or borrowed even stolen. She is expected to give up her time to accommodate her mate's dressing time.
And the list may go on and on.

On the other hand a responsible caring Cd will do the same types of things to accommodate his wife. I tend to cover as many household chores as I can so my wife does not have to slave all day. I respect her wishes and not touch her things. It's a two way street in any type of realtionship if it involves crossdressing or not. Compromize is the name of the game girls if you want it to work. Everbody needs time for their hobbies if cding is a full time thing than the rules still will not change.
I know my wife dislikes heavy metal so I won't play it when she is around but she will also throw in a heavier band into a mix so that it is not only her music going on.

That's the way our has always worked! And even though she does not accept my cding we compromise about just everything else. She allows me time to paint and I allow her time to read and the world goes around.

A Sparks Rant brought to you by the Lycra Company of Walla Walla Washington!

[Priss]

Crossdressing by it's very nature, I believe is a selfish act. It's not one that should be looked down on or condemned IMO though. There are a whole lot of things that we all do every day that are selfish acts, but are just not given a second thought. It's along the lines of taking some time for 'me'...

Imagine if you will, that most of your time is shared or given up in favor of other's needs. After a time anyone would become frazeled... Try to plan in a little time for yourself and your needs, and it can become quite frustrating when someone or something comes along and invades that time and space. Now imagine that something like this is a very part of your own nature, that your partner and the rest of the family doesn't want to accept or even ever see that side of you. You'd probably go about planning a way to appease that aspect of your nature, even if it's just for an hour one day a week or month... You'll find some way... And you might just come to a place like this to express your feelings about it. Whining and complaining to people similar to yourself who just might understand.

It's always said that guys are thinking about sex, once every three minutes? Or so often, that they essentially always have sex on their minds. If crossdressing is part of their nature, then they'd probably think about it quite often if that's true. They then might spend a lot of time planning such an event for themselves. No more time however than any guy might spend thinking of sex.

[Lilith Moon]

Maybe it would do well to consider the fact that it unlikely for someone to post how they didn't dress the past couple days because they wanted to be "non-fem" for their SO's, or that they complied when it was requested that they not dress for one reason or another.

Well, I'll stand up and declare that I haven't dressed for months and it feels like absolute hell. Why am I doing this to myself? Because my dressing causes distress to my SO and I care about her feelings.

Just another whinge, I guess, but I have nowhere else to express my feelings...sorry :(

[btmgrl6]

I am selfish. I got tired of trying to please people at the expense of my happy happiness. After many years of suffering...It's all about me now. I had no So to deal with, and i just got to the point that.. If you can't accept me for who
I am........ Tough! You can go your way and I
'' go mine. This includes friends and family.

This is what I want and who I want to be.........PERIOD

Steph

[JoannaDees]

How does one quanitify human emotions? It's a snap to think you understand, a bigger leap to truly empathize. I see the successful relationships on this forum as ones where the woman does truly empathize and accepts, divorces the "image" from reality. Gets down to the real nitty gritty. I know it's hard, it's a battle against the world. I also see the "working" relationship as the one where she is "OK with it", and he moderates his desires. That constant act of moderation is a drain on ones life, as it is a drain on the SO. To always desire A, but you know you must be B, and sometimes be allowed A-. Never A though.

Yes, many are "selfish", as are many SO's selfish. Many are on the ropes though, a lifetime of denial. But I agree with you Tammy, if it's against your grain to comply, move on. Don't whine, don't hide, don't sneak, don't lie. Hah! Easier said than done, I know. I'm coming from the divorced world (after ages of torture but it's done) and :tongueout on her and all of the mainstream zombies.

[Tamara Croft]

I hope you don't mind me adding a few thoughts. In regards to being selfish, I don't think CD's are, but I do think everyone has a bit of selfishness in them. What I do think we all see here, is not so much selfishness, but a part of someone who desperately needs to cram in as much as they can before going back to the person they hate being. They post what they have been doing for those few hours, because who else do they have to share it with? A lot haven't told their partners, why? because it could destroy their life.

So they come here for those few hours, they come here to escape the reality of their life. I'm not a CD, but I do come here to escape the normalty of my life. Here, I can express how I feel and I know that maybe someone will be reading it, they may not reply, but I know that I've shared it with someone.

I post in the GG forum, things that I could never talk to my Tam about, things I couldn't possibly post on the main forum, is that selfish? I don't think it's selfish, I think it's good that many can share a little bit of themselves, because for a lot of them, this is the only place they can actually 'be' themselves without any repecussions.

[Joanie]

This is a question I have considered as it has worried me that dressing tends to isolate me from other people, thus possibly making me more self-centered. But I am already isolated anyway, with my wife away constantly with work and checking on her aged Mother, etc. Meanwhile, I work as well and probably do 80% of the housework (laundry, vacuuming or Hoovering as it is called in the UK, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, etc.) on a weekly basis. When I look at what all I do for her, this tends to tell me I am not TOTALLY selfish, am I?

In that light, the times I do have to dress are no more narcissitic than other hobbies I might have such as reading (that isn't something you share with others unless you read aloud) or hobbies other guys might have. Wearing femine attire provides a break from the hum-drum, an escape, and a relaxation. Surely, we all need some time to ourselves in order to be more useful to others when we are called upon to perform the daily housekeeping chores or whatever we might do to help our wives, SO's or whoever.

[RenaCD]

My Good God I Love you girls and the way you all think!:love: What wonderful Thought Partners, In a world where all the Best Scientific Minds can't tell us for certain why we do something, we come together in a United Voice
when needed.:hugs:

My Name Is RenaCD, I am a Crossdresser and no I'm Not Selfish!!! I'm Just Me!

Hugs Rena

[Jennaie]

I hope you don't mind me adding a few thoughts. In regards to being selfish, I don't think CD's are, but I do think everyone has a bit of selfishness in them. What I do think we all see here, is not so much selfishness, but a part of someone who desperately needs to cram in as much as they can before going back to the person they hate being. They post what they have been doing for those few hours, because who else do they have to share it with? A lot haven't told their partners, why? because it could destroy their life.

So they come here for those few hours, they come here to escape the reality of their life. I'm not a CD, but I do come here to escape the normalty of my life. Here, I can express how I feel and I know that maybe someone will be reading it, they may not reply, but I know that I've shared it with someone.

I post in the GG forum, things that I could never talk to my Tam about, things I couldn't possibly post on the main forum, is that selfish? I don't think it's selfish, I think it's good that many can share a little bit of themselves, because for a lot of them, this is the only place they can actually 'be' themselves without any repecussions.

I agree 100%. I believe we are all selfish to a point, it is human nature. It's no different than hearing someone say at the tennis club, " I really wanted to play this weekend but I had to take the kids to soccer and I had to take my wife, out to dinner. It's not that they are complaining about the responsibilities that they have, they are just stating why they did not get the chance to play.

Tamara is right, we do value the little time we get to spend dressed and in case your not aware, we hate going back into drab, we hate it. You have heard it said many times here the statement, " I feel so comfortable, I feel so at ease, I feel so much more like mysellf when I am dressed". If there was something in your life that made you feel that way, would you not value it? would you feel selfish to want to spend time doing that which made you feel so comfortable, so at ease, so yourself?

[Butterfly Bill]

There have been several times now when I have been told more or less that I have to stop dressing as a woman in order to stay in some kind of relationship (girlfriend, membership in a church, music jam group, being hired for cast at a Renaissance faire), and I have chosen to discontinue that relationship rather than stop. You could possibly call that selfish, but I'm sure there are righteous sounding alternative ways to describe that. I'll saythat i know there are certain things about myself that I won't give up.

[livy_m_b]

There are aspects of some cding that resemble sexual addiction (so called) and that come across as selfish in the same way that an alcoholic, drug addict, etc. is selfish. We shouldn't imagine there aren't people who come across that way, but for the most part, the people I meet try very hard not to be selfish notwithstanding the compelling nature of the condition....

[Amanduhrob]

I know that if I go too long without dressing I get deeply depressed. So for my mental health, I dress when I need to. For some dressing might be an every day thing, for others like me, it may be once every couple of months.

I'm sorry, but I don't see my mental state as being selfish, and I know Holly doesn't want me to be depressed, or be around me when I am.

For some dressers, if the S/O gives them an inch, they take a mile, and compromise has to be part of dressing, but not the detriment of one's health.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

My sense of it is that you're still you when you put on the dress, even many of us -- including myself -- crossdress in part as a chance to be someone else for awhile. So if you're compassionate or a jerk en homme, you'll proabably be the same en femme. I've seen some appalling selfish and self-centered CDs -- but their male self were just as bad.

Likewise, CDs have no lock on selfishness. On another a forum, a wife posted who stopped having sex with her husband after he came out -- four years ago. Yes, she had a right to be angry with him for not telling her, but she's been stewing in her bitterness about it ever since. Then she justifies the affair she's having as wanting a "real man."

Anyway as others have said, this is a place to vent, so the complaints are probably over-represented. You're not going to hear from people like me who don't have problems (in my own case, I don't have an SO, so there's no one to tell me I can't do it).

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Tammy

CDers certainly can be selfish, like anyone else. Many a GG has been hurt by a CDer who either didn't tell his SO about it early on or won't negotiate boundaries. I do not deny this any more than I deny that the Earth revolves around the Sun. But, it is important to understand that this offense arises from the particular individual, not inherently from the CDing. CDing isn't inherently selfish anymore than having an interest in music or a passion for one's work is selfish. The problem arises when the individual has problems establishing limits and working with those of others (as when the person with a passion for his or her music never leaves the piano or the one who has a passion for his or her work never comes home).

I do think that a person has a right to be who she or he is in a relationship, and being a CDer isn't any different in that respect, especially since CDing is something that is built in, for better or for worse, like being spontaneous or being analytical or having ADHD is built in.

But, that does not excuse anyone from being sensitive to the circumstances of the SO for gawd sake! Everyone, please forgive me for using ADHD as an analogy and please know that not only I do not consider ADHD to be a negative, but only a (significant) difference; I also consider it to be advantageous in several ways. There's the enhanced creativity and the fact that ADHDers think differently and our unique perspective(s) are quite marketable as a nice little benefit -- and by the way, you have not been romanced until you have been romanced by a person with ADHD who is hyperfocusing on you! These are only a few examples. In fact, I believe the same thing applies to my ADHD as does my CDing: the problem is not in the genetic trait itself, but in the fact that most of society does not share that trait and therefore presumes it negative.

I have ADHD. ADHD is something that means the individual is divergent from social conventions (somewhat like a CDer) and has different needs (as does a CDer). But please know that I do not ever expect anyone to be able to easily deal with my needs, not by a long shot! I do have needs (for the ADHD) that others do not, including certain medications, using structure to keep myself focused/productive, removing the "timed" part from timed tests and some other things, but I definitely, positively consider it my responsibility to understand that others do not find it natural or intuitive to deal with these needs. In fact, they find it to be something of an additional expectation and they're absolutely right. It is an additional expectation, which is there, not by my choice, but by my geneology (ADHD can result from brain injury but is also well known to be genetic).

So, on the one hand, I recognize my own unusual needs, but at the same time I do not view that as a carte blanche to behave as I wish. On the one hand, I cannot eliminate my ADHD (which is a result of physical differences in the brain, be they a result of injury or genetic variance), but on the other hand I do not at all see this as an excuse not to be aware and appreciative of other people's needs and boundaries.

Understanding and respect are both two-way streets. I have no difficulty at all with the concept that I'm not the only one with needs and boundaries, for crying out loud!

I only see ADHD (and my CDing/possible TG) as parts of my personality that require additional communication and understanding in a relationship.

If friction results from either my ADHD or my CDing I firmly believe that the very least I can do is to acknowledge that my SO (should I ever be privileged enough to have one) is totally right in feeling expected to be put up with more than an SO of someone without these traits. A GG with someone like me as an SO really does have an extra challenge to contend with -- it is a challenge that can bring about a richer existence for the right person, I believe, but I fully acknowledge that it is an extra challenge and is not something that I should wantonly expect someone to deal with as though it were a simple case of home decor preference or something. I will always express my gratitude for my SO's willingness and understanding in taking on the additional challenges.

Everyone, please note that in doing so I make no apology for being who/what I am because that is pointless. I don't have the power to change my ADHD or CDing. I can only do what I can to make sure that my habits and actions do not unnecessarily exceed my needs or affect my SO and I fully see that as my responsibility.

So, yes, there are CDers who are being selfish because they expect not to have to give up anything at all. There is a difference between what we CDers need and what some unrealistically expect.

I do agree that a lot of people probably let loose here, pretty much, because this forum is a haven. I imagine that (please know that I don't mean any offense if I'm wrong) in GG-only territory some GGs probably use the time to talk about their difficulties with men and might well go into it in detail and rant for a while because that, too, is a haven, a supportive environment (which I am glad is available). If you have been put in a position of being expected to give while your SO isn't listening to your needs and boundaries, I do hear you and understand you. Most of us do.

Hugs,
Lisa

[FionaAlexis]

The short answer is yes. I think a high percentage of CD/TGs will sacrifice even ‘special’ time with friends, family etc. etc. to cross dress alone. This behaviour often starts as a teen and it can continue on through adult life. When I was a teen I used to opt out of family picnics and trips with friends to spend time alone to dress. And for single TGs it can result in isolation because, on top of the need for dressing time, there is also the feeling that you are a freak anyway and that ultimately you don’t fit in with your group anyway. My teen years were a period of extreme isolation but, fortunately, I broke out of it when I moved to university and then to London. However, even so, the feeling of being a razor’s edge away from being an outcast stayed with me and I don’t think I ever took friends into my life in the same manner as others do. And given half a chance I would withdraw back to my splendid isolation.

For married CDs/TGs there is resentment on both sides – but there is also in guilt about engaging this selfish activity instead of living up to your family and social obligations.

Those who are transgendered, are usually self absorbed and can suffer low self esteem – which, in turn, can seem a very ‘me, me, me’ state of mind. But then, if you are continually struggling with those very fundamental gender questions, it is very frustrating. For most of humanity what gender they are – doesn’t even come into their minds unless they are filling in a census form.

In the normal sense of the word I don’t think I am selfish. I am very self absorbed – but maybe no more so than everyone around me. This is a very ‘ME’ era. When I sit down for coffee with anyone in my social group – on most occasions - the conversation will revert to the issues in THEIR lives and THEIR problems – not mine. I have concluded that few people are satisfied with their lives and that most will rationalize selfish behaviour as needing time out or recharging the batteries or just ‘why not I deserve it.’.

I do, however, concede that I do need to dress and get out and present as a female regularly and I do get testy if my plans get mucked up. But equally my partner gets upset if her plans to spend time on her favourite activity gets mucked up.

Fiona xx

[ReginaK]

It's easy to take a cheap shot at MTF CD's. You won't be publicly ridiculed for doing it. No one will threaten to tell your adult children, "She took a cheap shot at CD's". Etc.

There's been more than a little CD-to-GG partner empathy posted here during my brief tenure.

I wonder, if there were a forum for just GG wives of vanilla males, if you wouldn't find the same self-centered lack of empathy you criticize as allegedly being characteristic of mtf CD's - coming from the GG's, and coupled with them doing the same sort of whining you're engaging in.

I am in no way trying to put down anyone. I am honestly curious if this is connected to being genetically female and if it is some sort of obsession or something.

I'm glad someone said this. Whether it's crossdressing, modifying cars, fishing, or anything else they don't want to take part in, the tune is still the same.

[Ebonee_Tgirl]

First of all big shout out to Rikkicn (probably spelled it wrong, it was a page back, sorry). Your post really touched me.

I've only been a member a few weeks and the biggest surprise I discovered is how many CDers share their passion with their SOs. i don't have an SO so i can't honestly say how i would deal with that, but my gut tells me unless i was REALLY confident about my relationship and her openness, i would not share my secret. i don't think it particularly selfish to want her to understand, but i do think it might be unrealistic in lots of circumstances. i know it is a drag (no pun intended :) )to be in the closet but unless you intend to go tg or to live more out as a CD why take the risk of damaging a relationship? And if you do tell her, and she can't handle it (which is pretty understandable) then you have to make some hard decisions I guess. My grandad used to always say you can't have your cake and eat it too and maybe that really is true.

My closest experience is when i came out to my Mom. Not as gay, i did that earlier, but when i told her not only did i crossdress but that i believed i am a woman and was going to move my life in the direction of living as and being one. My Mom is a pretty young and hip lady but she could not handle what i was telling her. i was angry and hurt by her rejection of my desires. For awhile i was totally blind to her point of view, all i could see was that this is what i want and screw everybody else. i thought she was awful and didn't love me cos if she did she would accept me. Well, OF COURSE she loved me, but i'd dropped a huge bomb on her. Totally rocked her world. It took me almost as long to recognize how selfish i was being in being mad at her as it has taken her to kind of come to terms with the real me. In the end she is my Mom and Mom's have a hard time hating their kids. She is slowly coming around. But i can understand now just how much i have shocked her and caused her embarrassment, heartache, worry, etc. An SO doesn't have that Mom thing, so for him or her i can imagine that it could be very hard to accept the fact that the person they married isn't who they thought he/she was.

So, yes I think sometimes we can be pretty selfish. Really, all we can do is expect the best from ourselves and hope for the best with others. Again, my thought is unless it is truly eating you inside, it might be better to keep crossdressing to yourself. And if you can't, accept that it may mean a major change in your life, you may have to give up people and things you love.

[Deidra Cowen]

I would tend to agree with Jenni...this is a forum for those with an interest in Crossdressing and many of us come here for support. Part of that support, for many of us, consists of a sympathetic shoulder to cry on..or to use a less sympathetic way of putting it...to have a selfish winge.

On a more personal note...I didn't ask to be a crossdresser, I just am. That means that I have intense needs that are currently difficult to reconcile with the expectations of those around me. I spend most of my time conforming, just to keep everyone happy...while at the same time counting down the hours/minutes/seconds until I can dress without upsetting anyone. Yes, I do think about it a lot and I do consider much of what goes on around me as an obstacle to my crossdressing. Label me selfish if you want, but my "selfish" feelings are a reaction to the conflict between this constantly nagging need and what I'm actually allowed to do.


That sums it up for me!!! :tongueout

[Anita Mae GG]

I am not saying one should give up dressing as they are being selfish about it. I am just wondering if CDers tend to be more selfish than the average person. Or maybe I see some being that way cuz we are in a closed environment here.

I agree we can ALL be selfish, maybe it just seems that way cuz you are all on here to vent and talk about your cding. It just came across to me that way that SOME of you tend to sound that way in your posts.

[Anita Mae GG]

It's easy to take a cheap shot at MTF CD's. You won't be publicly ridiculed for doing it. No one will threaten to tell your adult children, "She took a cheap shot at CD's". Etc.

There's been more than a little CD-to-GG partner empathy posted here during my brief tenure.

I wonder, if there were a forum for just GG wives of vanilla males, if you wouldn't find the same self-centered lack of empathy you criticize as allegedly being characteristic of mtf CD's - coming from the GG's, and coupled with them doing the same sort of whining you're engaging in.

I am in no way trying to put down anyone. I am honestly curious if this is connected to being genetically female and if it is some sort of obsession or something.

First off I was NOT taking a cheap shot at anyone. I am curious of the mental workings of you all, and that is all. I never said ALL of you seem to post selfish things, some do and I was wondering if CDers tend to be more selfish due to their time constraints on dressing time etc.

Mockery of my last line which you put as your last line shows nothing more than spite.

[Kate Simmons]

It used to be all about me Tamm but that has changed now since I accepted this part of myself. I'm over the "mirror" phase and am into developing myself as Ericka. As such, I'm naturally interested in others and their feelings. I dunno, guess maybe I've "graduated" or something? I am finding friendships and relationships more important now and my appearance secondary. Take care, Ericka

[RikkiOfLA]

Actually, Rikki has become far less selfish than her male counterpart ever was.

Here I am, as usual, responding to threads on the boards, dealing with other people's issues, questions,etc. I hardly ever start a thread myself, I notice. And yes, I do read far more threads than I respond to, because when someone else has said what I'm thinking, I feel no need to chime in.

I'm a minister (en femme), and I do it all for very little money.

But just now, the humor of this hit me (like a brick wall). If anyone says they're not selfish, they're blowing their own horn. And--what a selfish thing to do that is! :rofl:

So, what can I say?

Rikki

[Lawren]

That is a very valid and relevant point, Tammy.

Speaking strictly for myself I try to consider my SO/GF in all that I do including my crossdressing. Of course I have a better situation than many of our members because she accepts it. Because she accepts it that relieves a lot of the pressure on me to get dressed up. I am not time constrained as so many are so I don't have to take advantage of every available free moment.

Having said all that, I do feel like I'm being a bit greedy when I go shopping because I have not yet gotten used to buying things for her while shopping for me. I am working on it though!

[TGMarla]

Much of what has been posted here, I agree with. Nice one, Tamara. I'm on board. And Julie York has also summed it up well. I used to be quite obsessive about my dressing. So much so, I used to dress at the expense of meeting friends, and I'd sometimes forgo family gatherings just to take advantage of the alone time. I still like my alone time, but I'm at a point now where it matters less to me. I seldom go out of my way to make time to dress up, as I am happy with what time comes my way instead. Sometimes an opportunity slips by, and I feel a little frustration or regret, but it passes.

I think this tendency that some of us have, to make time to dress at the expense of time with others is somewhat what Tammy Marie GG is getting at. But I think many people are a little obsessive about their pursuits and interests, and many people behave this way. So I doubt that our crowd here is more selfish than any other group. See? We're just normal.

[Wendy me]

selfish.??? well it's like some are and some are not selfish. my wife has yet to realy be fully acpteing but we are going to get there ...ok i love to shop i meen i realy love to shop i can go out and have a real good time buying things for me .. but i also love taking her out shopping ... she loves to let me go and pick out things for her..and tells me i have good taste in clouthes....as always she says something like how can you pick out all thiese nice things ?? i look at her and go well duh who do you think buys mine???

see my dressing and my shopping are like for now so just mine ... and when she becomes more accpteing i would shop with her all the time ...
so me selfish.?? no she just don't what she is missing yet...

[Melanie R]

Unfortunately many crossdressers are selfish. They are like a kid in a candy store and push the boundaries. Been there and done that so I am not casting stones. I can fully understand why some wives have difficulty accepting their husband's need to express their femininity. They do fear losing their "man" and fear that their husband may go the SRS route. As I say to many "put yourself literally in her shoes and see how you would react if your wife wanted to dress and act like a man andpushes the boundaries. On the other side I also know many wives who fell in love with their "man" because of his many feminine attributes but refuse to understand and accept his inborn need to express his femininity through feminine clothing. Some of these wives are also selfish. Some of these wives could never do better than what they have with their husbands who happen to be a crossdresser.

Hugs,

Melanie

[azure]

I'll put my hand up to have been selfish. I didnt realise it at the time, I was so engrossed in my full tilt dive into transition, and I can tell you the shock when close friends started to blank me or take me to one side for a one way conversation(they shout, you listen) and the cold truth hit me like a fridge off a tower block. I had been utterly self absorbed, interested in only my problems, my world, I was demanding attention and support but giving none back. What a complete waste of space I was, I was a very ignorant, and selfish person, what was going through my mind I ve no idea, because I now am very caring and thoughful of others feelings, maybe I grew up, I can tell you I learnt the hardest way, because all my freinds turned against me, they began a hate campaign, and my life became a living hell(which was what I deserved). But one evening, while walking near a river, chatting to myself to make sense of things I stopped, looked aound me, and said"Oh f__k I really am alone, oh god what have i done" Im not going to say i changed from that moment, because I had to accept the concequences that were coming to me, and learn my lesson. Its now 11 years later, and the knowledge of my selfishness is with me every moment, but now I listen to the past when it reminds me.

Ive witnessed very moving displays of support,care, empathy while Ive been in this group. I think its a very important forum to enable people to find a place to relate, and reduce their isolation.

Thanks for your time.

PS. hey my job today meant I had to visit an airport, and stood in arrivals
was the British singer David gray, and later I saw Russell Grant!

[carol ann]

Tammy
I am a CD but am totally on your side on this point. If you follow my posts you will see that I do believe that it is us CD's that are out of line and therefore it beholds us to be particularly sensitive in our relationships with our SO's.

Unless, possibly, the whole matter was in the open at the beginning of the relationship, then we have no right to expect our wives and partners to be be able to understand where we come from. Anything we receive in this respect out of their love for us should be considered a bonus.

In coming out, we create all kinds of confusions for our partners - sexually, emotionally, socially, workwise. The feeling of security that they enjoyed is taken away from them. This is not a minor thing - it is huge.

My wife found out, she was warm and sympathetic, but the subsequent body language showed clearly that my dressing was not something she wanted to be part of, or something she ever wanted in the open. I love her and respect that and so remain in the closet.

The decision that each CD has to make is - Which is the most important my relationship or my dressing? - To me there is no contest - My wife and family have to be first and foremost.

[sportschick]

When I first found this site, I was disgusted with every aspect of dressing, including the selfishness aspect. Oddly enough, I haven't dressed at all since right after I joined, observing and analyzing seem to have all but eliminated the need. But..thinking about it, it's probably no worse than going off for the day to play golf with the guys, or any other activity somone is passionate about that they are driven to do..I've difinitely blown off work and family at times to do my favorite sports. So..is it selfish? Probably, but then, so are a lot of other things..guess it depends on how much it takes you away from other responsibilities.