How or when to ask?

[Sandygal]

IHi girls...I'm hoping for some of your thoughts. I would like to take my wife out clothes shopping. She and I have allways shopped together. She knows I crossdress,but she has not seen me dressed and we don't talk about it yet.It's still new for us. This is my problem, I would so much like to ask her if while shopping for her, if I see something I like, could we buy it? I know this sounds easy for some of you, but how do you know when the time is right? Should I ask her before we leave the house? or should I wait until I see something and ask her then. How did some of you work it into your conversation for the first time? I hope i'm making sense, I'm feeling a little blond right now.....Tata for now....Sandy

[Eleanor]

Just outright confront her and tell her!Tell her I need for you to do me a favor and buy womens clothes for me and then list what you want.You have to be very forward and demanding to get your ways in these situations.Ask her before you leave or just tell her look I really need this stuff and can you do me a favor and get me these clothes!I still meet my ex to buy my stuff,I guess I`m different but I get what I want!

[Sandygal]

Hi Dawn....When you keep a secret for your whole life because you think something is wrong with you. Then you finally tell the one person in your life that you love. Seeing the disappointment in her face really hurts. You know that you have to move on, now that you have come out of that closet, but it still hurts to see her looking at you differently. I know that things will get better. Everyone says to take it slow, but for me its been 40 years allready and now I'm like a kid in a candystore. I think the reason she doesn't talk about it is maybe it will all go away if she doesn't face it. So I want to move forward and I'm just going to have to be brave enough to say"honey can I have this beutifull skirt". She knows I xdress, I guess I just need some reassurance from the forums......Sandy

[Dixie Darling]

Sandy,

You say she knows that you crossdress, but she hasn't seen you and you don't talk about it.

I guess the question would be how much has she LEARNED about it since you came out to her. Have you provided her with any documentation, maybe some informative web sites to learn about it, told her about this forum, etc? If she will educate herself about crossdressing it jsut might make a difference in the two of you talking about it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[prissylucy]

My wife seems more comfortable buying things for me when I am not with her. She will buy things once and awile when I am with her and seems to be comfortable ordering things for me from QVC.

[Sandygal]

Hi Dixie....I mentioned getting the book "My Husband Betty". It became a cold night. She knew the book title, so I know she has been peeking at the sites. I think that's good. I also left your site on my favorites, which I relabeled "Honey please read". Your site was very informative, I enjoyed it. I am trying to keep everything in the open for her, so she can take things slow. But I don't want to go backwards, I get very nervous feeling. Thats why I'm trying to decide if I should just burst out and ask her if we can shop for me too! But I saw how cold she got just mentioning the book. So I was trying to see how others made it through this next step in our evolving to liking ourselves. Thanks Dixie...Sandy

[Stephenie S]

Dear Sandygal,
Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her. I don't think you can assume anything except that she doesn't know enough. She is full of questions and doubts. AND, most important, she wants this to go away away away.
Since it isn't going to go away, she needs to know that you love her and that you will always love her and that this CD stuff won't EVER get in the way of your love love for her. She is full of all the questions and doubts you have read about here on the forum. Is he gay? Does he want to make love to a man? Will he leave me? Will I leave him? What about our friends and family? Etc, etc. . . .
I think also that you should probably not ask her to buy your things for you. You're a big girl now and you can buy your own things. This will show her that you are serious about your crossdressing and that you are not ashamed of yourself. Ask her for help finding the right size. Ask her for help deciding what styles and colors might be becoming to you, but go shopping for yourself. It IS a lot of fun, you know. You can shop for feminine things in drab after all, and you don't need to concoct any silly excuses. It's no ones business WHY you are buying anything. And, as you gain experience, you will find that nobody cares either. Just buy what you want.
So dear, I will climb down off my soapbox now and just wish you good luck, but remember that you have been living with this for a long time. Your wife is still new to it and still has many questions and fears. Your love is the only thing that can help her.

Lovies,
Stephenie
Lovies,

[DonnaT]

Sandy, I suggest waiting until you see something you'd like to buy, saying something like, "Honey, I really like this skirt, would you mind if we bought it?"

Suggesting before hand that you'd like to shop for you will probably make her think that everything you you look at is for you, detracting from her shopping experience. That is, if you suggest something would look nice on her, she may think you're not really interested in how it would look on her, but more interested in what it would look like on you. Silly I know, but my wife use to do that all the time.

[EricaCD]

Everyone - it's easy to say "talk to her". On the other hand if you have an SO who is slowly coming to adjustment, you cannot continually push the subject on her. It sounds like Sandy is erring on the side of caution in exposing the subject too frequently, but on the other hand she is not completely hiding it.

Sandy - I can only tell you what seems to be working out tolerably well in my case. We do a lot of window shopping together - always have. We are now at a point where she does not get too upset if I mention that I like something in a store - pointing to something that is plainly not for her. Or I will complain that the clothes this season aren't flattering for fair complexions. Or that a store's sizing is too small. You get the idea.

The first couple times I did this I got a slight grimace but she seemed to get more-or-less ok with it fairly quickly. (Actually, since she reads some of my posts perhaps she'll venture forth with an opinion!)

I have not bought anything with her present. That would certainly represent another step forward in her acceptance, but I want to make sure she is completely comfortable with my looking for myself around her first. For now I'd just go back later if I like something.

Upshot: before asking her if you can buy something with her there, first make sure she is totally ok with knowing that you are looking for yourself.

Good luck! And let us know how it works out :)

Erica

[Julia Cross]

Hi Sandy,
In my opinion, since she already knows you dress it should not and likely would not come as a big surprise to her that you would like to shop as well. The lack of discussion between the two of you is what has held up the natural curiousity in her about just how do you get the things you want to wear. I am sure she has wondered but has avoided asking as the two of you are avoiding the whole topic all together. She most likely senses your fear and discomfort in discussing it and hence doesn't bring it up. You need to start the ball rolling and hopefully she will be receptive.

In regards to shopping, I would suggest trying something like this. Try telling her that you know she enjoys shopping for clothes but you do as well. Mention to her that you would like to have her along when you look around and could use her advice and opinions on what you look at. You could reassure her that when the two of you shop, obviously you are scouting things you like for yourself but naturally you are also enjoying seeing what she likes and helping her in making a decision as well.

The key thing here is communication. The more you avoid it, the more she will think it is either not as strong a desire as it really is for you or she will sense some sort of shame on your end whhich will cause her to question the whole crossdressing thing in general.


I hope this helps a little.

Julia

[HaleyPink2000]

I :)shop with my wife for clothing. I just browse like she does while in the store. If I see something I like I do the same thing She does. I try it on and then put it in the cart myself. She works, I bring in my retirement check , and so I figure since I'm contributing $$$ I'll buy what I want. I worked for 45 years I want it, I have the money for it, I'm buying it. Oh, and She knows that. :)

So while at the store, just put what you want in the basket. Ask Her ideas on how it would look etc. But buy what you want. Keep the reciepts seperate also. That way your keeping track of what you bought yourself! Also you can take items back yourself. Remember your over 21, don't let these other people in your life control you so much!

Oh, and remember the clerks in the stores are there for one reason! To make money! They are not going to degrade you for trying on clothing or buying them. 0.02

[dancinginthedark]

Sandy~
The ladies have given you some excellent advice so far. It sounds like you need be more pro-active and make her a list with sites and books etc & print it out along with some stuff from here and Dixie’s and give it to her.
I highly recommend Dixie darling’s site. My husband and I went there early on (after he told me about the CD-ing). As far as books I can’t recommend a good one for beginner’s myself, but I do advise that you NOT start your wife out with “My Husband Betty”. Even the author recommends that only folks comfortable with CD-ing read it since Helen covers the truths very bluntly and some areas your wife (and you) may not be up to covering just yet. .
I think you’re wonderful, brave and trusting for telling her about your CD-ing and trying so hard to keep the lines of communication open with her. Which tells me you love and trust your wife very much. I think she will come around more in time. Maybe take a look at Marla GG’s thread called, “Now I like it, now I don’t” it will give you more insight into the back and forth attitude some of we GG’s seem to have. Just like the CD-er’s acceptance of self seems to swing back and forth until full self-acceptance is reached so does the S/O’s (for a lot of us any how).
I would urge your wife to come here and at least read the posts. I did (and do) a lot of reading here and the ladies will never know how much their words have helped me on my own road to acceptance. Joining the GG forum helped tons as well. I knew I wasn’t a lone any more.
On shopping trips for myself and my husband in the early days we set up a few guide lines to help prevent any hurt feelings or confusion on just who we are shopping for. We talked at about it after a bad shopping trip, a few days later at home when we were both calm and relaxed. I was the one who brought it up and yeah, I was the one who suggested the initial guidelines. If it was to be a shopping day for me we kept it that. If for my sweetie it was the same thing, and a join venture meant we could both pick up things. It didn’t take long until both our comfort levels increased so much that we didn’t need any cased in stone guidelines any more. (Okay we do have some spending limits in place. :D ) We both know we can pick up things without the other feeling hurt/resentment or any other negative. And I have relaxed enough I don't get all protective of my sweetie when we are out and about. (I think you'd be surprised how many of us GG's go into protective mode when shopping with our girls the first few times.) Maybe you and the wife could do the same & have some guidelines at first? I also asked my sweetie to put together a wish list of items wanted, and I helped take all the measurements to make sure things fit perfectly on her. Oh, we did some online shopping first before we did much shopping out in the real world. And we went to an area far enough away from home we could relax and enjoy the experience without fear of running into someone we know. (DH is in the closet with no plans on coming out any time soon, but at least s/he is not in there alone now.)

[Stephenie S]

Erica,

I know it's easy to say just talk about it. I didn't mean that Sandy should beat her SO to death with words, or force her to talk about it all the time. I was only answering her statment that they DIDN'T talk about it at all.

We have to communicate with our SO. Otherwise we are left with only asumptions on both sides. And beleive it, dear, a lot of HER asumptions are going to be negative.

But what I wanted to say most of all is the need for reasurance that our love for our SO will transend all of this is of utmost importance. This is a fearful revelation for her to discover, and she hasn't had forty years to come to grips with it.
So, I apologize for my tendancy to rant a bit from my soapbox. I am in the same boat and I do understand how hard this is for all of us.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Janet_Johnson_cd]

IHi girls...I'm hoping for some of your thoughts. I would like to take my wife out clothes shopping. She and I have allways shopped together. She knows I crossdress,but she has not seen me dressed and we don't talk about it yet.It's still new for us. This is my problem, I would so much like to ask her if while shopping for her, if I see something I like, could we buy it? I know this sounds easy for some of you, but how do you know when the time is right? Should I ask her before we leave the house? or should I wait until I see something and ask her then. How did some of you work it into your conversation for the first time? I hope i'm making sense, I'm feeling a little blond right now.....Tata for now....Sandy

You know, i'd be totally the same as you and don't know how to approuch it. .

[Angie G]

My wife knows I dress she is not to all of it but is ok wihh it as long as she get time with me as a man.
when we go shoping some of the things we get we get for her some for me and some for US.
And we do talk about dressing.

[HeleneGG]

Hi, I'm EricaCD's wife. I can say from the perspective of an SO who's still working on this issue, make sure she's OK with the idea that you're shopping for yourself before you ask her to buy stuff. As Erica said, we do a lot of window shopping together and always have, so the idea that we're not just shopping for me was sort of a jump sideways, not a completely new concept. But we're definitely not at the point yet where I'm comfortable actually buying things for Erica. Working on it. Hope this helps.

[Sandygal]

I want to say to you all....Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I hope as I go through the different stages of crossdressing, someday I will be able to help somebody else. I was on Lauras Playground.com and told quite a bit about myself. My wife read my story and commented that I shouldn't be so open about myself. I told her that I had to be honest about what I'm going through, so that my information could help someone else. There are many teens on that other site that are very scared of their futures, I want them to understand that no matter how tough things seem, they should never give up. When we finished talking about this. I realized without trying, we had a good conversation and I think she understood were I was coming from. Small steps....Small steps....Thank you! Sandy