Stephanie Brooks
11-20-2004, 02:08 PM
Next Tuesday I return to the counselor. I can't wait! I also can't believe I'm looking forward to this.
In the first session, we talked and covered so much. There was no guilt for being how I am, and no need to justify my existence. We grokked.
There were two items to note from the first session.
First. I am and always have been a survivor. I've mostly always been able to take a lousy situation and work through or around it. I seldom look back. I've been fortunate to be in situations where I can actually advance myself if I choose to do so; suffice it to say I'll stand to any judgment any time. I came from nothing, and I don't want to go back.
Second. I actually felt alive by the end of the session. It was such a singular and foreign experience that I cannot describe it; I can only relate the sense of it being an extraordinarily positive experience. I want to feel alive like that again.
He gave me an exercise to help examine my identity formation as it relates to transgenderism. His model covers twelve systems, each comprised of four constructs. He presented it to me as a single page grid, and I wrote 7 pages of response information. I added various summaries, one for each system and a final overall summary. What it showed was a fairly systemmatic view of me and my transgenderism, and how the world and I interrelate.
I've shared specifics with a friend whom I'll call Blade (she'd like that!), but I'm not ready to go into detail here.
On the positive side, this identity model seems to be pretty complete. I'm no psychologist, so its quality is something I cannot absolutely judge. However, I'm used to dealing in complicated systems, and I'd judge his model to be quite good.
On the negative side, the information this model seems to show is disturbing, not for its content as it is simply of my life, but for its organization. It shows how I've lived as a transgendered individual, and how my life has been with regard to my wife and related psychological counselling in the past. In the context of my wife and I, this identity model clearly shows the paths my wife and I have been following. On Tuesday my counselor and I will discuss the information revealed by this model and the implications for the future. That my wife and I are following separate paths isn't new information; the prospects for our future as a married couple however are best considered with professional counsel for now.
You'll simply have to wait for chapter 3.
Here's a closing thought for this chapter.
From the first posting, Tough Post, I said I was concerned about the potential for suicidal feelings similar to those spawned during prior counseling. My best past experiences with psychological counsel could be described as boredom and/or mild dread. At best the sessions consumed time and money without great harm. That's not exactly a compelling endorsement. All three counselors I'd seen - and one on the periphery - were associated with my wife. The new one is not.
This guy is different I've been counting the days until I return and we can talk. I want to get through all of this and move on with my life. Now I have a chance. This guy is good.
(To reiterate from the first post, I am not actively suicidal, and I have concluded once again that I could not kill myself. I did express concerns for what I might experience in going back to counseling, something I promised I'd never do again. Well I'm doing it, and so far it is a very positive experience.)
In the first session, we talked and covered so much. There was no guilt for being how I am, and no need to justify my existence. We grokked.
There were two items to note from the first session.
First. I am and always have been a survivor. I've mostly always been able to take a lousy situation and work through or around it. I seldom look back. I've been fortunate to be in situations where I can actually advance myself if I choose to do so; suffice it to say I'll stand to any judgment any time. I came from nothing, and I don't want to go back.
Second. I actually felt alive by the end of the session. It was such a singular and foreign experience that I cannot describe it; I can only relate the sense of it being an extraordinarily positive experience. I want to feel alive like that again.
He gave me an exercise to help examine my identity formation as it relates to transgenderism. His model covers twelve systems, each comprised of four constructs. He presented it to me as a single page grid, and I wrote 7 pages of response information. I added various summaries, one for each system and a final overall summary. What it showed was a fairly systemmatic view of me and my transgenderism, and how the world and I interrelate.
I've shared specifics with a friend whom I'll call Blade (she'd like that!), but I'm not ready to go into detail here.
On the positive side, this identity model seems to be pretty complete. I'm no psychologist, so its quality is something I cannot absolutely judge. However, I'm used to dealing in complicated systems, and I'd judge his model to be quite good.
On the negative side, the information this model seems to show is disturbing, not for its content as it is simply of my life, but for its organization. It shows how I've lived as a transgendered individual, and how my life has been with regard to my wife and related psychological counselling in the past. In the context of my wife and I, this identity model clearly shows the paths my wife and I have been following. On Tuesday my counselor and I will discuss the information revealed by this model and the implications for the future. That my wife and I are following separate paths isn't new information; the prospects for our future as a married couple however are best considered with professional counsel for now.
You'll simply have to wait for chapter 3.
Here's a closing thought for this chapter.
From the first posting, Tough Post, I said I was concerned about the potential for suicidal feelings similar to those spawned during prior counseling. My best past experiences with psychological counsel could be described as boredom and/or mild dread. At best the sessions consumed time and money without great harm. That's not exactly a compelling endorsement. All three counselors I'd seen - and one on the periphery - were associated with my wife. The new one is not.
This guy is different I've been counting the days until I return and we can talk. I want to get through all of this and move on with my life. Now I have a chance. This guy is good.
(To reiterate from the first post, I am not actively suicidal, and I have concluded once again that I could not kill myself. I did express concerns for what I might experience in going back to counseling, something I promised I'd never do again. Well I'm doing it, and so far it is a very positive experience.)