How do I get him to open up to me?

[midwest GG]

Hello all!
I found out about my husbands CDing a couple of months ago. I am ok with it, and i want to support him in any way taht I can. However, the problem is that my SO doesn't want to talk about it...EVER!! I have not pushed the subject matter, but if I would to hint around to it, he just says that he isn't ready to talk about it so openly like I want to. I understand that he has been hiding this secret life of his for many years, and he just isn't used to someone wanting to be involved in it, but I really don't think that CDing is a big deal and I just want to be open about it. I want to know when he does it, how far does he go with it, ect. I am just very interested..(and to be honest, a little turned on by it too):love:
So, I guess my question is..Are his feelings normal? Just because he has a supporting SO, do some people still find it hard to talk about it? And, any advice anyone can give me on how to make him a little more comfortable with me and his CDing. I have bought him a couple of things, (cute panties, pantyhose, garter belts, ect.) and he has worn them. ( I know this because I am the one who washes all the clothes, and that was one of the deals I had with him when I found out, no hiding the clothes, just let me make sure all is clean!)
We are normally a very open couple, and don't lie or keep secrets from one another. This is the only topic that he will not conversate with me about. Thanks for all of your help in advance!!

[CharlaineCadence]

your loved one only needs time and space to relaze a bit witht he though. You dont want to over welm him. as for his feelings they are normal i would say for many. simply because he hase been forced to hide is due to shame for years. so let himm come out of his shell as a turtle would. slowly and shurely when he feels safe hunn. just show him that he is .

kisses
char

[jerimy]

Just give him time and space. Though he knows that you know, this has been a part of his private persona for quite a while. He will open up but in his own time. The worse thing you can do is pressure him and make him feel threatened. The more you push, the more likely he is to clam up. Respect his space. Let him know that you do support him and you are there for him, but let him come to you.

[~Dee~]

Hi there M~

ok .. though waiting for a while and not pushing things is great, it kind of sounds like you have waited a while an nothing seems to be coming of it ..

so, ill tell you what i found helpful when i first started talking to my wife about me being TS. - Email and Instant Messages.

when i told her the first time it was face to face and i knew that she accepted me 110% .. but i had been living in such confusion, shame and guilt that it was just natural to keep that with me.
i still felt guilty .. horrible and ashamed of myself and what i was putting my wife through.

these thoughts and feelings werent just going to go away .. and if we had waited until they had, we'd still be waiting today. now, im not saying that your husband is anything like me .. but im telling you my thoughts from my perspective. :happy:

i found it hard to talk to kitty face to face about the really important things to me .. but i didnt find it as hard to send her an instant message.
we had the benefit of having networked computers .. so it was easy to have us both online to deal with this. but if you dont have that - email can also offer another avenue .. or failing that - a hand written note.

that way, questions are answered .. and its not as difficult to answer these while being 'watched' ... and i dont think that this method of communication is very forward either .. and sure, write in there that you love him and accept him .. im sure he'd love to hear that ..

fear, shame, guilt and, indeed, my self loathing were hard things to shake .. or at least they were very hard to shake for me .. and it took a long time to deal with them each.
sometimes a frontal attack might not be as successful and going around from the sides. :happy:
either way, i wish you luck.
:happy:

[Julie York]

You know how you have a little trigger in your head that prevents you from swearing in some circumstances and letting loose in others? (Sorry vicar.)

Well it is a bit like that with CDs...It is a self censor you set up in your own head to keep yourself safe from saying or doing something that will put you in danger by revealing your secret. It is something that is deeply ingrained and a very hard habit to break....because after all, that's what has kept you safe all this time....keeping it buried.

[Terry4537]

Hi. You might surprise him and try to incorporate CDing into your lovemaking. Ie dress hiim in the clothing as a seductive/erotic thing. Also, have a sense of fun,playfulness, and humour about the situation. You sound like a great woman. Terri

[susann_gardener]

What Dee anf Julie York said. It's really true. I have also used notes (like the old way, on paper) to communicate :hugs: . Not that the problem got solved :( .

[~Dee~]

sometimes it might take a lot of paper ;)

[BeckyZ]

I had trouble accepting that my wife accepted my cding. She convinced me (without telling me up front what she was going to do) by buying me some feminine clothes. She still does this at random times. She is a wise woman.

[~Kitty GG~]

Hi Midwest!

Dee and I had long talks on the computer. Its often easier to say things if you can hide. And if you can reword your answers.. backspace.

I also find that talking in the dark is good. Things that are difficult to bring up when you're facing eachother in the bright light of day can be so much easier to say in the safety of darkness.

I know that the popular advice is give it time. But speaking in broad general terms.. women are more likely to communicate than men. And so if you only "give it time".. he may never be ready.

In all communication about this issue, I think its important to let him know that you aren't disgusted. That you don't think its a shameful thing. Whatever positive things that you feel about it.. Because he most likely is thinking the opposite.

If he can't talk with you about it. OK.. But you probably still need to talk with him about it from your side. So maybe you will have to start with one-sided conversations. Where you can express your feelings. Ask your questions even if they don't get answered.

I agree with not pushing. So maybe not expecting him to dress for you tomorrow. But if you consider that he's lived with this secret, this shame, probably guilt for a long time. That these feelings are the norm. Things to keep hidden.. If you can keep the topic out in the open without making it too painful for him.. the norm will start to shift from shame/guilt/secret to something that's acceptable.

It was important to me that Dee understand that the dressing wasn't a problem for me. But that the walls put up by the dressing were. And so now that it was out in the open.. I wanted in.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[michelle-h]

Hey Midwest,

I would say just keep taking it slow. Opening up to someone is one of the hardest thing for us "girls" to do. Even when my wife first found out, it took me a while to feel comfortable talking to her about it. Something you might do is let her know when you will be out for a while and that if she would like to "relax" for a while, feel free. If she has not dressed for you, she probably wants to very much, but is very nervous about it. I know I was the first time I dressed for my wife. But, you might tell her that you would like to see her dressed sometime, when she is ready. That might ease things a little too. But most of all, I can only recommend patience. She has hidden herself for a long time and is worried about how much of herself to reveal to you. I suspect she fears that the circumstances could change at any moment, so continue to be supportive and let her know that she is loved. I'm sure that in time she will open up more when she feels that she can be comfortable with you. Good luck.

Michelle-H

[Toyah]

Its very strange normally we like to talk about ourselves given the opertunity.
Saying you find it erotic may help but broach the subject carefully.
I guess starting with gentle questions like why does he like it whats his favorite outfit may help

[SherriePall]

Let me ask first how you found out about your husband's crossdressing. Did he tell or did you find out somehow? If you found out somehow, then he may be waiting for the other shoe to fall. He may not still feel confident that you are ok with his CDing. As some of the others wrote, some of us keep it bottled up for so long that when our SO's find out, we still are afraid to empty the whole bottle for fear that we'll have to put the cork back in. I have no suggestions on what to do since I am not quite in the same boat because my wife is not really accepting. Tolerant, perhaps, but she has not seen me nor has she bought me anything.

[Kimberly]

the problem is that my SO doesn't want to talk about it...EVER!! I have not pushed the subject matter, but if I would to hint around to it, he just says that he isn't ready to talk about it so openly like I want to.
Well isn't this a bitter irony for many who need this kind of SO in their lives?

Midwest, I applaud you for being so accepting and understanding.

Bring your partner here -- first if he talks to other CDs first, maybe he'll then talk to you...?

Other than that, try locking him in a dark room and proding him with a stick until he talks.

Maybe buy him something...

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Midwest

I can only quote my own circumstances here, and how difficult I found it to open up to Raksha, dispite her having known I crosssdress for 13 years now, infact I told her I was a crossdresser, even before we really started dating.

I suppose in my case I was always in fear of it going pear shaped, I could dress with her blessing and all she wanted to know, was when i wanted to do it, yet I found it so difficult, even to say "I want to dress" dispite having her full blessing, and her even making space for me to be undisturbed for the day!

in all we struggled not be cause I dressed, but because I could not open up to her, I'd buy things for my dressing and not tell her, not because I didn't want to tell her, but for fear of hurting her, the same was the case with dressing, I thought it would be eaiser to just dress, and not say anything, just keeping it to myself, yet again in an effort not to hert her. of course my actions had the reverse affect!

I think most of us here with SO's is probably we live in fear of hurting them, and more to the point damaging our relationships with them, I know this was certainly my fear, I so much would have liked to have just said I'm going to dress on X, and i know now she would have accepted it, because I did this today and she just said, yep, okay, and no other reaction, just a acceptance I needed to dress.

in your case it could be your husband has been living a life where he has always hiden this, and find it difficult to express how he feel even to someone so close, or it could even be his think that no one knows of his other life, or he just can't accept that someone will accept him, dispite his need to do this.

I think you just need to go slowly open the door slightly, and let him find his own way to express himself here. there certainly is a lot of media attention to Cding about. so you just even finding out more about this, from the TV or books, magazines, internet etc, maybe you could leave some sort of paper trail for him to follow, to understand you see this as no real big deal.

good luck,

[Wenda]

Hi Midwest, thank you for coming to this forum. My mom's family were like something from 'Tales from Lake Wobegon", sober, hard-working, Swedish Lutherans who believed that, if you were having fun at the moment, don't enjoy it too much, because you will have to pay for it later. Not to get hung up on stereotypes but Garrison Keelor has a lot of this nailed. Anything resembling sex-not-for-procreation is bad. Period. I am not aware of any biblical edict against dressing, but, if it might encourage snfp, it must be bad.
My mom and I loved each other, but could trigger the other's 'detonate' button at will. I think I wore her 36 C strapless more than she did.
My mom has been gone for 11 years, but I still have dreams of her on the verge of discovering me. It takes a long time to overcome taboos that you were introdued to in babyhood. It is not really a matter of trust, more a need to overcome seriously ingrained habits. Encourage him to chat on this forum. Bless you!

[caffine]

im from the north east and here is my 0.02 i never told my ex so and 1 day so found a few of my things and raised holly hell about it.just give her time .when the time comes-she will let u know. dont push as that will cause more problems. i know been there give her space till she ready.

one day you will be suprised with the answer.

dont push-the time will be there when she is reaady

[MsJanessa]

Hi. You might surprise him and try to incorporate CDing into your lovemaking. Ie dress hiim in the clothing as a seductive/erotic thing. Also, have a sense of fun,playfulness, and humour about the situation. You sound like a great woman. Terri
Ditto on that---try buying him some sexy lingerie--or suggest that you two go shopping togather or arrange a T-Girl makeover for him/her She'll love you for it.

[Dixie Darling]

For some/many crossdressers, they have kept their secret for such a long tme it's almost second nature to them to automatically NOT talk about it except in forums such as this one.

Since he seeingly doesn't want to talk about it at the current time and you want to 'drop hints' about it, you might want to try doing something like dolling YOURSELF up a couple of times a week. Do it for no reason at all and make sure he gets a lot of good looks at you. Being a CD his natural reaction is going to be to also want to dress and just MAYBE that could lead to him opening up some conversation with you about it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[melissacd]

Hi there M~

ok .. though waiting for a while and not pushing things is great, it kind of sounds like you have waited a while an nothing seems to be coming of it ..

so, ill tell you what i found helpful when i first started talking to my wife about me being TS. - Email and Instant Messages.

when i told her the first time it was face to face and i knew that she accepted me 110% .. but i had been living in such confusion, shame and guilt that it was just natural to keep that with me.
i still felt guilty .. horrible and ashamed of myself and what i was putting my wife through.

these thoughts and feelings werent just going to go away .. and if we had waited until they had, we'd still be waiting today. now, im not saying that your husband is anything like me .. but im telling you my thoughts from my perspective. :happy:

i found it hard to talk to kitty face to face about the really important things to me .. but i didnt find it as hard to send her an instant message.
we had the benefit of having networked computers .. so it was easy to have us both online to deal with this. but if you dont have that - email can also offer another avenue .. or failing that - a hand written note.

that way, questions are answered .. and its not as difficult to answer these while being 'watched' ... and i dont think that this method of communication is very forward either .. and sure, write in there that you love him and accept him .. im sure he'd love to hear that ..

fear, shame, guilt and, indeed, my self loathing were hard things to shake .. or at least they were very hard to shake for me .. and it took a long time to deal with them each.
sometimes a frontal attack might not be as successful and going around from the sides. :happy:
either way, i wish you luck.
:happy:


It is a very funny thing that you say this. I have been struggling with comunicating about cross dressing with my wife. At first when I opened up to her again we talked and then after a few months she decided that she accepts that it is who I am but wants nothing to do with it. It has started to create a wall between us again and I find it hard to open a discussion to get the dialog going again. The other day I thought, why not try writing her short letters every day to express my feelings and see if that kick starts things. I had considered the whole email thing but my wife does not use computers at all yet (although I am trying to get her to start) and the whole messenger thing is brilliant.

I guess I like the idea that you can express your thoughts in a way that allows you to complete them without the other person interjecting and shutting down the conversation mid stream. If they choose not to read it that is their option, however, one would hope that eventually they will read it and perhaps start to understand and then communicate back.

[Sherri Taylor]

Midwest,

I'd like to commend you on your acceptance. It takes a special open minded person to accept his CDing. Not all women can accept it. Jus talk to my ex. lol.

From my own experience, my current SO was very accepting, and she has encouraged me to be myself. It was very difficult at the beginning dressing around her. This is something I kept secret for 30 some years, and after you've kept it to yourself for that long, it's hard to just do it and feel comfortable. My SO has supported me an unbelievable amount. But after 2 years now, it sill is hard sometimes for me. For me, there was allot of guilt and shame, but it's melting away now with her support. (and reading the posts here!) Her reassurance all the time helps me. Now, every time I dress up, it puts a smile on her face. We enjoy shopping together, but we tend to over spend at times. I found dressing like a woman isn't cheap! Thank God for Salvation Army!

Anyway, enough of my rambling, good luck and remember to be patient. It's going to take time.

Sherri

[johny1]

my so was very curious and was finally convincing when she became adament that I dress up for her. this took I believe several weeks before that moment came, and there have been many since even going out with others and enjoying many shopping experiances, she wishes I would dress more frequently at times as we really have fun in full dress mode. hope your husband realizes the wonderful gift you bring to your relationship. just be steady and patient, bring a positive atmosphere, dress up yourself, and then ask what what you are wearing he might like to experiance, maybe buy something you might want to see him wear a little humor, take him shopping and ask wear he'd like to start; shoes lingerie dresses wigs makup it makes for a really fun interesting day of discovery, and being with my so took out the difficulty of browsing the beautiful landscape that dept stores offer.

[az_azeel]

Hi Midwest..
I can understand your frustration..I was totally open to my S/O from the moment we first met.. and she totally understands it.. however it has taken me a long time almost 18 months into the relationship to be truly open.. even now I still feel guilty about wanting to put a dress etc on.. I think the best advice I can give you is to have patience.. If as you say you get a little turned on then try dropping hints when you are making love.. small steps mean bigger outcomes...and most of all show your support... the biggest fear...(i speak for myself) is rejection and mistrust.. however I trust my s/o with my life.. hope everything goes well and good luck

take care

az_azeel

[midwest GG]

Wow! It still amazes me how much help and support a person can get from this forum!! Thanks sooo much!
All the advice has been wonderful, I love it that there have been so many different suggestions, that way I can try a couple of them to see if they work!

Well, as it stands, we are going out tonight, and Grandma has the kids till morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA That doesn't happen, EVER! So, my hope is that tonight we can just go out with friends, and come home to an empty house, and...well, you know!! :love: lol I am not going to bring it up again for a while, unless of course he starts a conversation about it, which I hope he does. I am hoping he does ask me to dress up for him or something out of the ordinary tonight, and then I can put my little hint in again! When the kids are away...the parents will play!!!! So, I am off to go out and have a great time tonight with my husband, I will keep you all posted! Thanks again and have a wonderful weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, by the way, I really don't feel like I am anything special for accepting my SO's dressing, I took vow's for a reason, and if this is the worst that will happen in our marriage I think we have it in the bag!!! :thumbsup:

[yvonne10]

just buy him somthing girly such as a pair of knickers or tights give him them and tell him to go and try them on he will know that you want to share his life as a cd with him ask him if he wants to go and buy more things wih you

[janedoe311]

He is no doubt not comfortable with sharing now, if ever. It is embarrassing! Do not push him. If he wants to share he will. Some might hint like “Would you go shopping with me I respect your taste.” It might work but could push him away.

He probably does not want you to see him “dressed up” so do not offer to go out together. That might change but do not push.

One other problem it that he might not like that you do not have a problem with it! Some of us are insecure and would see our ladies not having a problem with being around with a “woman” as maybe becoming they are a latent lesbian. No man wants his lady to be interested in women even a little.

And then there is the problem that he might not be comfortable with this side of him and be ashamed of it, so it might be impossible for him to talk to you about it right now.


Do not bring up the subject. If you push you can drive him away. If it is really a problem that is bugging you, you might write him a letter to him and leave it when you are gone for a few hours and then do not discuses it let him bring it up. In the letter you can reassure him that you are not a lesbian and married him for what he is, and his feminine side is part of why you married him, without it he would not be the same person.

Hopefully this has helped.

[Lisa Golightly]

Actions speak louder than words...

[Jerries]

Just ask him if you can make up his face,he prob would love that,then when he sees what a great job you did,he will want to go dress up.

[michelle-h]

And, by the way, I really don't feel like I am anything special for accepting my SO's dressing, I took vow's for a reason, and if this is the worst that will happen in our marriage I think we have it in the bag!!! :thumbsup:


Girlfriend,

You have no idea how special that makes you. My wife is very supportive now, but it wasn't always that way. Now, when we talk, I feel like I am the luckiest girl on earth. And I am lucky now, but I also remember how it was, hiding and lying, and just being miserable with guilt. Never underestimate what your acceptance means to your hubby. Because even though she is still a little shy about it now, deep in her heart, she feels like an enormous weight has been lifted. And what is really funny, is that my wife often says the same thing. A truly accepting SO is as special as they come.


Michelle-H

[GG Vanya]

just buy him somthing girly such as a pair of knickers or tights give him them and tell him to go and try them on he will know that you want to share his life as a cd with him ask him if he wants to go and buy more things wih you


Or better yet, purchase a nice negligee set (something demure/innocent, instead of raunchy/sexy) and simply leave it on his pillow, with a note:

Please wear this for me tonight sweetheart. :happy:

I once sent an email to Trudi before leaving for work, requesting that she be dressed when I got home. To this day, she says receiving that email is one of the most wonderful moments of our life together. Of course this was early on in our relationship. LOL, now I'd just probably say: I want knickers and knockers tonight!

Which brings up another suggestion: Keep it light, not so dead serious. If we can't laugh and have fun with it, why do it?

[connie rotten]

For God sake give the poor confused person some space. Don't pry ;not everything in someones life is an other person's buisness.

[christie]

I would say give him time, but I think he is very lucky to have someone who understands and is willing to be involved in this part of his life.

Christie

[Shylittleshade]

I came here with the same problem, only with my boyfriend, who flatly would not discuss it. Did what was advised by all the great people here, giving a present, and tried to give him space. The fact that I know has sent him screaming into the hinterlands, only to resurface on the rare occasion that I reach out to him to ask for assistance on a house project, issue, etc.

If I knew four months ago what I know now, I would never, ever, have confronted him about what I found out about the crossdressing. While it is no big deal to you, it is a big issue for him. I've corresponded privately with several individuals who tell me that even with a supportive spouse or GG, a CDer may still feel the shame and embarrassement of this.

The best correlation I can come up with from a GG perspective is this: Think of a deep dark moment, a secret, something that perhaps you've done in the past, which is extremely private to you, that you would be mortified if anyone ever found out about. Now, write it in big red lettered detail on a billboard in the busiest intersection of your town. Then go sit at the corner diner, naked, with your mother, who still loves you, and discuss it.

A very smart GG here told me on one thread... Baby steps.... Wise words I am trying to live by....

To everything there is a time and space. The good news you are already married to this lovely man. Don't focus on this. Just let it be a small part of who he is. Let god, let go.....

Best of luck to you.

SLS

[janedoe311]

For God sake give the poor confused person some space. Don't pry ;not everything in someones life is an other person's buisness.

That is what my point was. But you were a bit more direct!

[Tamara Croft]

For God sake give the poor confused person some space. Don't pry ;not everything in someones life is an other person's buisness.For Gods sake? Don't pry? This is her husband? not just 'another person'... :rolleyes: and it 'IS' her business! :thumbsdn:

[rosiegurl]

Hi Midwest!

Dee and I had long talks on the computer. Its often easier to say things if you can hide. And if you can reword your answers.. backspace.

I also find that talking in the dark is good. Things that are difficult to bring up when you're facing eachother in the bright light of day can be so much easier to say in the safety of darkness.

I know that the popular advice is give it time. But speaking in broad general terms.. women are more likely to communicate than men. And so if you only "give it time".. he may never be ready.

In all communication about this issue, I think its important to let him know that you aren't disgusted. That you don't think its a shameful thing. Whatever positive things that you feel about it.. Because he most likely is thinking the opposite.

If he can't talk with you about it. OK.. But you probably still need to talk with him about it from your side. So maybe you will have to start with one-sided conversations. Where you can express your feelings. Ask your questions even if they don't get answered.

I agree with not pushing. So maybe not expecting him to dress for you tomorrow. But if you consider that he's lived with this secret, this shame, probably guilt for a long time. That these feelings are the norm. Things to keep hidden.. If you can keep the topic out in the open without making it too painful for him.. the norm will start to shift from shame/guilt/secret to something that's acceptable.

It was important to me that Dee understand that the dressing wasn't a problem for me. But that the walls put up by the dressing were. And so now that it was out in the open.. I wanted in.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~


I utterly agree with this. this is how my SO and I first started, and still do communicate. a lot of been a CD is hiding, and it is just so deeply ingrained it can be very hard to do face to face

[Dee 1062]

It takes time, he will come around...in his time....You'll see.