no approval

[michelle19845]

today i tried to take a giant step and come out to my mom.we were putting up clothes for a garage sale and i saw girl's jogging pants,i asked what was wrong with them she said they were too small for her.i tried them on in my room and came out and said they fit great! BOOM! there she went off,"i can't believe you put those on! you look gay with those on!that's like wearing panties! " thank god they fit good or she would've really freaked if she knew what was under those pants.
has anyone had fights or had to try lots of times to "come out to family"? i don't see any bit of approval.might have to wait a few years down the road.i don't really want to ,though.i wish i could move.any advice on those who've come out?


in need of help desperately,
michelle19845

[Genevieve G]

My advice is to stick to your guns. It might not be a matter of approval that
you should be looking for, because you'll never get that. You might get acceptance, though and that's what it's all about (to me, anyway). It's very difficult to get family to understand, especially because they're conditioned to view us as we've always appeared. Then one day, we say, "no, it was all an act." That's something that you can't retract after it's been said. All you can do is accept yourself. You have to do that before anyone else can accept you. Probably the best way to get acceptance from family is to try to educate them without force feeding them. Make sense?

I'm out to my spouse (but not the kids yet) & also my sister. My wife has been as supportive as she can, but doesn't understand what it's like to be TG. We still try to work through the best we can. Hope this helps some.

Genny

[Julie Avery]

Hiya Michelle. Painful to read of your truthfulness being met with non-understanding. But that's what I'd expect. I think people like us are eventually forced to choose between truthfulness and "comity", that is, "everyone has good feelings towards each other".

You have my support, for what it's worth!

- Doug

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Michelle

There's no easy button for coming out. If it's something you feel you have to do, you just gotta do it and expect the worse and hope for the best. You'll have to expect on some being brick walls about it, the problem is you'll never really know until you try. Just remember one thing...once you come out of the closet, there's no going back.

Karen

[Kimberley]

Your mom's reaction was understandable particularly if she had no clue but I find that difficult to believe. As an adult you have to stand for your beliefs and values. Those are what is important and are unlikely to change.

After the initial shock wears off, perhaps you need to sit down with her and explain everything. Just prepare yourself first for all the questions such as are you gay etc. There is plenty of information on "The Talk" here. Dig it up and go for it when YOU are ready and comfortable. Write it out for prompting so you wont miss anything. She isnt going to come over right away and may never come to accept it. She may blame herself because she doesnt know any other way. Make sure she understands it has nothing to do with her that you just are this way and always will be. There is no choice for you.

I wish you the very best of luck. And as Karen said, once out there is no turning back. You have laid bare the very deepest secrets of your existance. Hopefully she will empathize with that.

:hugs:
Kimberley.

[Clare]

Hiya Michelle.

You're at an important juncture now. It's clear from your post that you want to 'come out' of the closet and your attempt with the jogging pants was a real effort to raise the issue with your Mum.

I think you have to keep the momentum going and follow up with a serious chat to Mum. Plan it out and explain to her that it's just an inner need and you otherwise feel 'normal'. They're just clothes when you think about it! However, makeup and so forth is a more difficult aspect to discuss.

I feel that you will continue to feel frustrated if you don't take advantage of recents events to clear up confusion between you and your Mum. Isn't it better for her to know the truth rather than become suspicious with the wrong ideas?

One other thing - I think at your age, it is better to have your crossdressing 'known' now because as you get older, marry & have children, get established in a career, and develope sporting/special interest activities with friends, it will be all the more difficult to 'come out' in the future!

I know it's easy to say, but at 43yrs, I regret not coming out many years ago and even now i'm wrestling with idea of telling my elderly Father!

Listen to your heart Michelle.

[~Kitty GG~]

I know that I have a different perspective to this than you do.

But I don't see what you did as "coming out".

Unless you sit someone down and you specifically TELL them about yourself, and tell them what all this means to YOU, they don't know what to think.

I'll try to explain what it was like for me:
I didn't know that Dee was TS.. I did know that she wasn't the manly sort that I thought she was gonna be and was supposed to be. And so I resisted and I even hated anything non-manly about her.

If she did something feminine I wanted to quash it. If we saw something on TV about CD/TS stuff and my opinion was asked I would say that it was weird.

Now you all know that I'm very accepting of Dee. Now that I know and understand her.

But when a mom or a SO is only getting hints and they don't understand the whole GID thing. They think they can stop it. They think that you'll get over it. And so go to the other extreme and try to quash all the femme stuff.

This is why I say over and over again "don't hint!!!"

on the other hand.. when Dee came to me and said "this is me" then it wasn't that scarey stuff I was looking at.. it wasn't the bad thing that I was trying to protect her from.. and myself from.. it was the person I love who needed my support. And deserved my support.

I dunno your mom.. but if she normally would do what's best for you.. then I think she'd support you in this IF she knew what was up. I think that she saw those girly pants and got DANGER - WARNING signs. And was trying to save you. Afterall.. we can only work with what we're given.

I am truly sorry that you had such a bad experience. And I hope that you can work through it.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[michelle19845]

my mom has cancer on the bone and has gotten from all the stress of losing my sister from cancer and some eye problems i had a few months back.if something comes up that is too much for her,it will worsen her condition.it showed that when she got divorced she had cancer on breasts,when i had health issues young she had some problem,when my sister died she had appaendix outburst.it's shown a cycle of repitition.i'm worried her health will worsen from the stress it will cause her and she will get worse and die soonercause of such an overload.both her and step dad are homophobes and are not considerate people,they always make offensive remarks about what i do or who i hang out with regardless of race,gender,etc.
it's all anxiety.time is the best thing for now.


michelle19845