Raising children and cross-dressing

[Sherri Taylor]

I have a question for all here. I’d like to know your feelings, personal experiences, opinions, etc. with regard to raising children along with cross-dressing.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about as my SO and I are getting married in 2 months. She knows about my CDing and is very accepting and supportive. (If you read my introduction that will be quite clear) We want to have a family and raise children.

I know I’ll never stop dressing, so my question is this: Is there a good way of doing both? Raising children and cross-dressing.

I’m of the opinion that if I’m going to continue, then they should see it from day one. That way it will just be a normal part of their home life. I fear that if it is hidden from them, and at some point in their life (teenage, early adult) when they do find out, (you all know they will at some point, kids are very observant) that it will be very traumatic. The last thing I would ever want is for my kids to hate, resent, or be ashamed of me.

I’ve read a few posts here on the subject, but have not come across much that would help me with the issue at hand.

I look forward to your input, and value all points of view.

Thanks,

Sherri

[rosiegurl]

that kinda depends on the age of the kids I think. I mean, if it is just part of normal life for them from when they are babies, I seriously doubt it will affect them to much, until they get to school, and everyone knows how nasty kids can be to each other.

I don't think it would harm a teenager, but I would say from about 5 upwards is where you need to be careful, thats when they will be asking all the really akward questions *grins*

EDit: MY SO has 2 girls from a previous marriage, one 14 and one 20, and they both know about me, although I haven't had the courage to come out dressed infront of them, and niether have suffered any adverse affects, infact the 14 year old I think loves it, someone new to play with makeup with *laughs*

[AmandaM]

I'm teaching my kids to not hate or dislike anyone. When we get to the point where they become aware of gender people, we'll cover that.

[Butterfly Bill]

My general experience with children is: if they observe adults accepting something, they will too. It may be like with parents who live in intentional communities or take their children to Rainbow Gatherings, or practice a non-mainstream religion, they have to explain that in certain places things are done and in other places they are not, but the kids eventually learn to adjust their behavior according to their surroundings.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

My general experience with children is: if they observe adults accepting something, they will too. It may be like with parents who live in intentional communities or take their children to Rainbow Gatherings, or practice a non-mainstream religion, they have to explain that in certain places things are done and in other places they are not, but the kids eventually learn to adjust their behavior according to their surroundings.

Excellent response.


Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[KateW]

Go for it - then let me know if it works, so I know what to do when I have kids! :-)

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

FYI, family therapist Arlene Istar Lev had a column (http://www.prideparenting.com/page.cfm?Sectionid=77&typeofsite=storydetail&ID=800&storyset=yes) addressing whether to tell the kids.


My general opinion about children and transgender issues is the fewer secrets the better. Despite the old adage that closets are for clothes, when crossdressing is the topic, closets may not actually be the best place for clothes. If children are very young, then dressing should take place as if it is just a regular thing, without any particular introduction or explanation. After all, my children have never asked me why I tend to wear sweatpants and t-shirts in the house, and only put on my jewelry and - let’s be honest here - a bra, when I leave the house.

At some point (three, four years old?) children will begin to notice that their daddy is wearing clothes attributed to girls, and ask about it. As is age appropriate here is an example of how to answer that question, “Yes, daddy likes to wear girls clothing. Most men do not wear them, and some people are uncomfortable about that, but daddy does like them and wears them at home where no one will make fun of him. How do you feel about that?” Most children will just shrug, partially because they really don’t care, and partially because they really don’t understand the implications yet.

A child who is reared in a home where crossdressing at home is “regular,” will have an easier time talking about it as they age. Particularly entering the “tween” and teenage years, they will likely have questions about crossdressing, and begin to feel embarrassment and shame about it. Boundaries will have to negotiated (and re-negotiated) regarding protecting them socially from their friends’ judgements. It is tricky to decide how much we want our children’s needs to control us, and how much we need to combat their shame, with our steadiness and pride. A good yardstick is to think about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Teens are in the midst of their own puberty, struggling with identity issues, and have difficulty dealing with many aspects of their parents lives, from their jobs, to their haircuts, to their affection with one another. It is good to normalize the crossdressing, but also okay to not force it into our children’s faces at this stage.

[AnnaMaria]

Sherri,

I have been dealing with the same issue about when to tell my kids about myself for some time now. I have a daughter that is 11 and a son that is 3, and I believe that my daughter has some idea about me but has had no real conformation about it thus far. My son has seen me dressed before in swim suits and in my nightgowns from time to time simply because I didn’t feel that he was old enough to actually remember the event and we have been teaching both kids tolerance of other races and such. I think that this is really important because of all the things they are learning from their friends in school.

I think the article that Marlena posted is quite interesting and contains some good advice about the subject. And I plan to talk it over with my wife at some length this weekend and see what she thinks about it. The only other thing that I can say at this point about the subject is that I know a cd who has told her son about the subject and has had no real issue thus far with the child about it. Her thought was “How can I expect him to be honest with me if I am not honest with him”. Personally I think that if the child is exposed to it from birth it will be much easier to explain to the child when they begin to ask questions later. And they will be more likely to accept the parent for the person they are rather than seeing things from societies point of view. But, I truly believe that it is a personal choice as to when you tell the child or if you tell the child depending on the personality of the child and how much you trust the child to not tell all they know when they get mad about something.

I hope this helps

Anna

[Kate Simmons]

I'm totally in agreement with Rosie. Ericka

[kathy gg]

No matter what you decide on, whether to tell or not to tell, both parties should be in complete aggreeance.

I also want to say, I am not advocating that EVERYONE do this or that what we are doing is the ONLY way or RIGHT way. Heavens no. I think each family has to look at who they are and be willing to deal with any negative consequences if they tell. THis is not something that works for everyone.

My hubby and I are rasiing our daughter knowing/seeing and being aware of our lifestyle. We have many couples who come over to our home and the dressing is not a big deal. Some of our friends have children who are also aware and it is no big deal. So I know our daughter will have support and frienship as she grows up with kids who know all about this.

Prior to having our daughter I literally interviewed via email quiet a few friends who had raised their children {some w/boys and some w/girls} who had been raised from the get go. The kids and their families all had mutual respect, the children were raised with tolerance to people with differences and their was no "secrecy" in the household.

But the cding for these families was not some over-sexualized variety. The father dressed appropriately around children and it was not in any way "dirty" or highly sexualied. No leather mini-dresses or sky high heels or ****ty make up. It was like Mom, regular, not over the top, and not too sexy.

Yes the cding "can" have a sexual element, but bottom line you dont' have to be like that all the time. There is a time and a place to dress 'wild' or 'kinky' and as long as you dont' expose that part of it to the kids it should be a non-issue.

This was something we talked at length about and dont' think kids dont' understand some level of privacy when it comes to disclosing this to other children. I think alot of adults don't give kids the mental credit for being able to understand how uneducated people or non-tolerant people 'might' react if told. Children can understand getting their feelings hurt, or being mean. I see that empathy already and our daughter is not even 2 1/2! She already understand 'hurting' someone's feelings.

Anyway, from what I have seen crossdressing does not have an 'ill' affect on sons and daughters. The couples I taked to, who raised their children knowing did not encourter any unusual behavior, other than crazy stuff kids normally do anyway. It did not 'make' their son a crossdresser or their daughter's 'man-haters'.

I don't think this is the 'path' for everybody. But with careful consideration, a united front, no undercurrent of resentment {from either parent}, and good communication and also, letting that child know they are number one...well it is possible.

Good luck on your future.

[Olivia]

I kept crossdressing a secret from my two children. No one else in our extended family was aware of me and I wanted to keep it that way. Both grandmothers were involved in childcare at different points in our children's youth and really, I didn't want my kids to have to keep my secret. It's somewhat analogous to people who chose to get high around their children. While they may feel like it's an ok thing to do, not everyone does and I wouldn't want to place pressure on children to "be sure and not say anything to your friends or their parents".

When my son was 23 and my daughter was 25 I sat down with them one afternoon and came out. I described that experience here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6032
I think their acceptance and support for me is due to how they were raised. Jackie and I did our best to teach them not to be judgmental or critical of others just because they might seem different to them. I think now that maybe I was subconsciously preparing them for that "coming out" that was so many years in their future.

In the end, a decision like this must be made based on a plethora of factors. Please consider it wisely and then proceed carefully. Good luck. Olivia

[Sophia Rearen]

We have been following the path very similar to Marlena's column. My 10 year old daughter informed me recently that it was embarrassing that I shave my legs. So out of respect to her, I let the hair grow in for the summer. Wish I could stay smooth, but oh well. We certainly don't want to flaunt my alternative lifestyle in front of our children. However, we don't want to hide it from them either. This is similar to Kathy's views. If they have questions or concerns, I'll answer as best as I can, honestly. Two minutes later they'll move on to something else, count on it.

[Jillian310]

I don't mean to hijack this thread, but one comment struck me, that being that the daughter was embarassed that legs were shaved, and therefore allowed the hair to grow in for the summer. When my uroligist transferred out and I was assigned to a new one, for the first visit I commented about me shaving as I dropped my panties. His comment was that it is becoming rather common for the younger 'guys' to keep shaved. (I am almost 69. He didn't bat an eye about the panties.) Moeover, I also shave my legs from the knees up every once in a while, and seldom from the knees down because I don't have any hair to speak of there. I am fair, so maybe it is different for those darker and more hairy. I am not so sure that I would react to a child telling me something I do embarasses them. There are several reasons for shaving, not the least of which is hygene. Teenies are embarassed about almost everything their parents do! What next, taking serious their complaint, "This is SO boring!"

[kathy gg]

Hi Sophia,
I jsut wondered is you shaving yoru legs something new for your daughter to see?

Reason I ask is our daughter actually notices when my hubby has not shaved his face for a day and starts complaining to him...."shave daddy! shave!"

Kids get used to what they get used to. Sort of similiar for wives I feel {that is why you see alot complain about their hubby no longer being hairy when he once was}.

Seeing us both groom ourselves is something our daughter will know and I imagine seeing a "hairy" father will be werid to her, because she is used to seeing him hair free.

I wanted to add that one of my best friends is a lesbian and her and her partner have two kids. I see how her kids have reacted to people with intolerance and really I have learned alot from her daughter {who is just a coupel of years older than mine} and how she handles it. Both of their kids are quiet "proud" of who their moms are and feel it is other people who are missing out on the coolness of two moms. I hope Cleo will see having a Dad who is a crossdresser as something to be proud of more than ashamed of.






We have been following the path very similar to Marlena's column. My 10 year old daughter informed me recently that it was embarrassing that I shave my legs. So out of respect to her, I let the hair grow in for the summer. Wish I could stay smooth, but oh well. We certainly don't want to flaunt my alternative lifestyle in front of our children. However, we don't want to hide it from them either. This is similar to Kathy's views. If they have questions or concerns, I'll answer as best as I can, honestly. Two minutes later they'll move on to something else, count on it.

[Girdlewoman]

I agree that the fewer lies the better. Telling children or letting them find out all depends on the child. Two of my three and possibly all three know. My son is 18 and has known and even seen me for several years.I don't think he minds but his general approach to anything controversial is to be as passive as possible. My 11 year old daughter thinks it's o.k. and freely talks to me about it and would like to see me. However recently I just haven't been in the mood to dress,just one of those dry spells,I'm sure therer are many who can relate to that. I am what I am and I'm relieved that they know ,now we can just move on.
Peace,
Girdlewoman

[Sophia Rearen]

the daughter was embarassed that legs were shaved, and therefore allowed the hair to grow in for the summer. When my uroligist transferred out and I was assigned to a new one, for the first visit I commented about me shaving as I dropped my panties. His comment was that it is becoming rather common for the younger 'guys' to keep shaved. (I am almost 69. He didn't bat an eye about the panties.) Moeover, I also shave my legs from the knees up every once in a while, and seldom from the knees down because I don't have any hair to speak of there. I am fair, so maybe it is different for those darker and more hairy. I am not so sure that I would react to a child telling me something I do embarasses them. There are several reasons for shaving, not the least of which is hygene. Teenies are embarassed about almost everything their parents do! What next, taking serious their complaint, "This is SO boring!"

My daughter is 10 years old. It's not like seeing the uroligist at all. She, herself is developing into a woman. So there are many questions for her as she changes. If she is embarrassed by a father who shaves his legs than I will honor her wishes that I not do that this summer. Maybe next summer will be different. The last thing I need to do is complicate things for her. She is just now finding friends. Embarrassing her in front of them would be selfish of me. Just recently, she quietly came up to me as I was working on equipment in our street, and wispered to me, "your underwear is showing". I was wearing pink VS satin panties. Now, that is the kind of daughter I want. I love her, of course.

[Julia Cross]

This by far one of the better threads I have read here in a long while. Finally something though provoking and of real importance.

Although i have no children as of yet, and I better hurry up - not getting any younger, this is something that has been on my mind for quite some time as well. At 39, I have had the luxury of dressing as I please pretty well for the last several years, thank's in part to a very understanding girlfriend. My concern has also been about losing this freedom should I have children. I am not sure how easy that would be to do.

Many here have posted very valid points. I agree 100% that if introduced from the start to dad's other side, they will not see it as odd but as part of who dad is. When they get older and question it, answwer them honestly and respect what they have to say. Show them you are not ashamed of yourself and they will likely feel the same way. And it goes without saying that we must show them not only tolerance but acceptance of all individuals no matter what their lifestyle or race, etc. is. Children are so good at spotting a lie, if they see daddy dressed up and yet he criticizes others for their differences, they will take notice.

I hope that when I have children, should I, that I will be able to raise them with my partner with them being aware who their dad is and what he stands for.

My only concern at this time is the school years. My experience has been that the younger children are so open and honest, that they will disclose dad's other side, quite honestly and innocently, and will not be prepared for the backlash they may recieve. Perhaps my concern is not warranted but it is the one thing I fear. No parent wants their child to feel alienated at school because of something their parents do .And yes I appreciate that as responsible parent we would talk to them before this situation may arise, but there is no way of really knowing how they will really feel should they be teased or questioned by their school mates.

I am pretty sure in the end I will raise my children with their knowledge of dad's other interests provided my partner is on board.

Julia

[Sophia Rearen]

Hi Sophia,
I jsut wondered is you shaving yoru legs something new for your daughter to see?

Reason I ask is our daughter actually notices when my hubby has not shaved his face for a day and starts complaining to him...."shave daddy! shave!"

Kids get used to what they get used to. Sort of similiar for wives I feel {that is why you see alot complain about their hubby no longer being hairy when he once was}.

Seeing us both groom ourselves is something our daughter will know and I imagine seeing a "hairy" father will be werid to her, because she is used to seeing him hair free.



Hi Kathy,
Your daughter was fortunate to get an early look at cding. Mine saw me at 6 years old as doing pretty good with it, as far as I'm concerned.
My daughter sees me hairless 9 months out of 12. She knows I hate my body hair. This morning she asked why I hated my hair on my head long? Long means 3/8" or about 1 cm. I told I hate the hair, I wish I had none. My rule, If I can't have hair on the top of my head, I don't want it anywhere. My boys tell me when I need a shave of the chest. My wife would prefer hair, unfortunately, she thinks without it, I look like a little boy. This probably, no, most definitly influences my daughters opinion as well. I, Daddy, think I look weird with it.
Shaving or keeping smooth would also be quite a chore. The legs would need a shave twice a week and the chest atleast every other day. I keep the arms and underarms shaved year round now. Only once a week for them, thankfully.

[Julie Avery]

Butterfly Bill strikes me as a wise man in a dress.

[Sherri Taylor]

Thank you all for the insight, thoughts, and advise.

My feeling was that if they were around it from day one, it would be easier on them later. But also it would teach them that everyone is different, and that it's no reason to tease, make fun of, descriminate, etc.

As far as the saving goes, body builders do it all the time. It makes you look more defined. Me, I like the way I feel right after a good body shave. I shave it all regardless if I'm dressing up or not.

Sherri

[EricaCD]

I applaud those of you who have elected not to keep this a secret from your children. That said, my wife and I discussed this at some length and we are not presently planning to let our kids in on my crossdressing until they are at least well into their teens (i.e., probably 18).

I see a number of fair and valid reasons to tell kids, and if I were a more frequent CD then my inclination might change. Hey, for all I know it might change naturally over time. But at least at present, that's where we stand.

The reasons, I trust, are reasonably apparent (even if not persuasive to a number of my friends here): added difficulty in their personal lives and the loss of control over the extent to which I am "out" are naturally at the top of the list. I further trust I do not need to confirm that I fully intend to teach my children to be supportive of transgendered persons and lifestyles generally--mindful that I may be depriving them of a good life example.

[Phoebe Reece]

My wife and I decided before our kids were born that we would not be having major secrets from them (excluding Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy). But, seriously, we decided that they should grow up with full knowledge of my crossdressing. We followed through with that and in our case it worked out fine. Our daughter is 30 years old and our son is 26. When I am dressed enfemme, I am still "Daddy" to them. Neither of them have ever had any problem with it. When they were teenagers and often had friends drop by unexpectedly, I did restrict greatly my dressing around the house to avoid causing any embarrassment to them. I considered that a small price to pay. We still have an excellent relationship.

[lostmyhubby GG]

In response I am teaching my kids to love and respect everyone regardless of race,sexual orinetation,disabilities etc....and so far we have a good start, my kids are 12 and 13 and their Dad and i divorced years ago and he came out to me that he is gay....he has a wonderful partner he has been with since our divorce, we all love and respect each other and the kids adore their dad and his partner.....little did i know when i re married i was marrying a crossdresser....so once again out to the kids we go....my son thinks its no big deal and my daughter cant wait to go out shopping with Trisha, they share make up and take pics of each other....i believe not to sugar coat anything...i tell the truth to my kids about everything!!!!!! i leave nothing out, as i want them to be well educated about society and let them chose the way they want to go in life but all are equal and should be treated as so.

lostmyhubby gg

[Misty_cder]

My wife and I are discussing this very issue too. Our dauther is two and getting into everything. I stored my clothing in a bottom drawer until she emptied it. For now we've determined to keep the dressing in the closet. Maybe when she is older, we will have a "coming out" talk, but until then we plan to raise her with an open mind and be tolerant of others.

[Clare]

I gave this very topic a great deal of thought when our Son was born! He is now four years old and lives with his Mother (we're separated). I hope to get regular shared custody of our child in the future and I think because of the situation between his parents and the possiblitiy of him spending time with each of us, I won't tell/show him that I crossdress because he won't be contantly be living with me, so I should be able to hide most aspects of my crossdressing from him.

I say 'most' because I know eventually I'll elvove more as a transgenderist in the future and it will be hard to hide that fact. I suspect I will have to react and adjust to how my Son grows up as a child and his extended family/social environment.

[Connieminiskirts]

I was not 'out' when I was with my first wife and all our kids. My 2nd wife and I had none.
I made the choice to 'come out' to my 2nd wife's daughter who is just 8yrs younget than I am and who call's me "daddy" and whos' children call me grampa as well as knowing me as "Aunt Connie" They range in age from 8 to 21 all accept me as Connie and have no problem at all, at least the grandkids anyway. My stepson has a daughter who at the age of 3 was introduced to 'Aunt Connie" on halloween. It took her alittle bit, but when her daddy and I both explained that I am still grampa. she accepted! She even wanted to sit on my lap and play with my hair!!!! Emily is now 5 and when she spends a nite or 2 here with "gramma"(Sue hated being called gramma at the age of 32!!) and I she has actually gone in, got my long blonde wig off its 'head' ahndsaid, "Here gwampa, You put this on and be gwamma!" THen she tells me what clothes to put on. She is totally accepting. She went so far as to tell her mother, (mom and dad divorced, dad has custody) That "My gwampa has more skirts than you do!!" for which I got a phone call and I had to tell 'mom' I was a CD. She said, "Oh, well I guess thats okay, I know a few guys that like to dress up. When you going to "bring her over? I would like to see it"
I have yet to do so. Havent really had time to go do much lately. BUt before summer is out....

I guess what I am saying is, Children learn acceptance from those they live with, If it happens alot, they accept it, if its ridiculed they learn to reject it. Its all in how behaviour is accepted or ejected in the adults around them that make the diference. However, They do need to be taught when dressing is appropriate and when it isnt. Such as going to school dressed probly isnt a good idea.....

Hope this makes sense,
Connie