Confused question for hetero CDs

[renee99]

OK, I'm confused. Let me start by saying I scored -135 (Feminine male) on COGIATI so I am pretty sure I am a CD if anything and not TS. But I am doubtful that I am really a CD either. I don't have much desire to live as a woman or even to dress in public. One exception to that is the fantasy scenario where I am out with SO as two girls and nobody knows the 'secret' if that makes any sense. When imagining myself as a girl, it's rather anonymous - I don't have a fem 'character' even though I chose a screen name to fit in here.

So something tells me that this is a fetish more than anything because doing outwardly "girlie" things is strongly associated with sex for me. When sexual desire evaporates, the "girlie" feeling evaporates with it and is replaced with a "what the f*** are you doing, weirdo" feeling and an immediate desire to shed the clothing. (Fem underwear, on the other hand, is simply comfortable and practical for me.) I guess the strange part is that I recall being turned on the most when at least partially dressed and imagining myself as a girl. (I will stress here that I find men repulsive under EVERY other circumstance.)

I am in my mid 20s and had my first serious make out sessions with a GG this week. (It's a long story, but not for lack of trying on my part.) I really do adore her. What was strange is that I expected to be turned on more than I was. Had trouble at certain times when I really did not understand why I was having trouble. Certain very specific touches would evoke a response down there, but overall not much was happening for me, though I was very much enjoying myself and I believe she was too. One thing that I enjoyed was when she played with my long hair behind my ears, for example.

So I am wondering how common it is to have a difficult time getting "turned on" by being with a GG when not wearing the correct clothing or in the correct 'mode', if this is likely to be the issue. Or is it a more general issue, i.e. that I have gone solo for so long that I need to reprogram myself somehow to have an external source of arousal?

I was mainly hoping that I could avoid bringing up the CD issue to her because I thought it was just a solo sex thing and would go away when I found a 'real girl', even though most people have said the urge to experience the fem side will never go away and will only get stronger with age. I am just very surprised that I am experiencing difficulties because I know girls are my thing. It is difficult enough for me to play the 'aggressor' because that really is not in my nature, but is what most girls seem to expect and enjoy, but it is even more difficult when I also seem to be having equipment problems.

So my question is, do you think these problems are related to my CD-ish impulses, meaning there is no way to avoid eventually having to spill the beans and thus risk potential rejection; a different problem, such as having gone solo for too long as mentioned above; or maybe not a problem at all and a usual experience when getting to know a girl physically?

I am posting here because I think my clothing preferences and non-masculine nature are a sexual complication that others here share and may have caused them to experience similar issues. I hope this post was not too explicit or off topic and if it was please delete it, I have never posted here before.

Thanks!

[Billijo49504]

Welcome to the family. You will find many good people here. As for your question, are you a cross dresser, the answer is YES! As you may have noticed, everyone is to their own degree of cross dressing. Any thing from just wearing panties or nylons to fully dressed and trying to pass. With your "what the +++?" Why do we hear of some people purging their clothes. And most of us started with just experimenting with one item, and went on from there. As far as your shopping dream, take my word for it, it's a ball. The wife and I shop together when we have a chance. I hope this helps and please don't beat yourself up, trying to figure it out.....BJ

[MarinaTwelve200]

Sounds a LOT like my experience---a strong Sex association with CD that dissapates after sex or self gratification.

I am 56. I have noticed that as I age I get a better handle on what is realling going on with me and my CDing. The fetish/sex thing CAN be a part of it, but I noticed that the "Stress releif/relaxation" element is at the CORE of my CD. I have come to understand that, in MY case, CD is really a way to "disconnect" myself from my identity, allowing me to Take a vacation from MYSELF, if only for a few hours---and experience the ultimate relaxation and de-stressing process.

Some of the Sex association is STILL there, and I CAN get off on it, BUT while CD is not necessary to get me sexually aroused as much any more, I have discovered that it NOW serves as a relaxation technique to which there is NO equal-----I dont HAVE to CD, but I dont know of another way to achieve this state of well-being--so I CD because I WANT to now.

[DonnaT]

Hi Renee,

The term is "transvestic fetishism" (tf). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transvestic_fetishism

So, yes, you are a crossdresser.

If this was your first try at sex with a woman, then it may have been nerves.

Or, if you use your cding as an aid to sexually pleasing yourself frequently, then you may find you can only get off by incorporating the dressing. If so, you may need to abstain from pleasuring yourself for a while, especially while crossdressed. That is, it may be that you need to disassociate sex with CDing.

If you can't manage to do that, then you'll either have to suggest to her a desire to "experiment" with wearing fem attire when engaged in sex to see if that will help you perform, or develope a stong ability to fantasize that you are dressed in lingerie while having sex. The mind is our largest sexual organ, by the way.

[Karren H]

Great first post, BTW! And yes you are one of us!! I'm straight, married and faithful to my wife of 30 years, but thoughts still pop into my head while dressed. Just kind of goes with the territory! But you have to learn to deal with them and get on being the part time girl you were ment to be!! hehehe

Love Karren

[Han]

I am in my mid twenties also, and have only just started dressing full on. Thanks to my SO. And in the past I have often associated femme atire with sex. I associated various items of clothing and put then on for various kicks. Over the past few years that has faded to more just wanting to wear for comfort, stress, feeling peace and generally expressing femminity in an overtly masculinised world.

Thankfully, I have never had a problem with being with a girl, but when I dress up with a girl, it certainly heightens the response of sexual pleasure. For alot of us, fetishism is only part of the package, maybe not at all. But, from what I can tell and have read, in genral, most of us started with a fetish.

Welcome to the club. :D

[Rachel Morley]

There are a few things that you said that reasonate with me. It being "difficult to play the 'aggressor' because that's not really in your nature" and "having problems because of going solo for so long" etc etc.

I think its pretty fair to say that for some people (especially when they are young and have a strong sex drive) that being a crossdresser, and being single for a long time, and also associating women's clothes with women, it's very easy to have the clothes themselves (or the image of yourself in those clothes) and self gratification become a substitute for lovemaking.

No, it's not weird, it's just fantasy stuff. Take it from me when you first get intimate with a woman you will worry that all that time you spent alone and your thoughts about dressing up, will make you think that you won't be able to make love without thinking about girly things. You might even think that somehow your mind has been messed up and you can't get excited about just being with her. Don't worry. Just relax think happy thoughts about the person you are with and think about how wonderful and intimate lovemaking can be. If your mind wanders to girly clothing thoughts, that's ok, acknowlege them and then go back to focusing on your partner and the act of making love. Girly clothing thoughts are just a fantasy and if you can't think about fantasies when you're lovemaking, when can you think about them?

Don't sweat it, just relax and have fun.

[renee99]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. Some of you have relieved me by confirming that I am not alone, and others have given me more food for thought. One thing that is becoming very clear as I continue to read this site is that keeping a secret is simply not an option, for reasons I never would have considered - had I not heard it straight from the SOs of those who were outed down the road. Funny how the male and female perspective on things can be so different yet at the same time make so much sense. If we could all only communicate so well in real life.

[Lisa Golightly]

Mechanical animal vs lover. Unless I really feel for a person, and unless they know how to flick my switches then it's all a bit 'Oh, get a move on...' or 'I'd better buy some more pasta this week' to the reciting of film scripts (it was Carry on Abroad last time) or 'zzzzzzzzzzzzz'.

I often think peccadillos (try typing that after two bottles of wine) and the bedroom, or lack of utilising them, hides a more fundamental underlying flaw... Does this person really burn through my soul. In every instance where things haven't worked I have to say my reply has been 'no'.

It has to mean something to be something... Maybe I'm just an old romantic, but I do remember nearly fainting once when I was kissed by someone who really did mean something.

[Michelle_cd006]

Renee
I was with A Transexual girl for 2 months and it was a turn on for me. I was a crossdresser before that and I am more into crossdressing now after being with her. She couldn't accept my crossdressing and so I had to break up with her.
Crossdressing started off when I was about 12 years old and it was a turn on to do so and when I would masturbate that was it I would take off the clothing and think what am I doing. But over the years it has grown on me and I have learnt to accept crossdressing as something I do. After being with a pre-OP transexual girl and feeling her I noticed I was turned on by that too. So, I don't know if it's becasue I'm Bi-sexual or what. I've never been with a man but I am pretty sure I am not turned on by a manly man, perhaps i'm turned on by a femmine man. I know I am turned on by other crossdressers becasue my best friend is a crossdresser and I am attracted to her and I was very attracted to by the transexual I went out with for two months.
Crossdressing has come from being a turn on to being something I enjoy doing aswell. I notice when I'm feeling flat and not very horny, just depressed, I like to dressup and I even want to go public.

Michelle:love:

[Josi]

I suppose its natural to try and see which box we fit in .. I certainly did that.
But now .. I dont give a .... what label the box has.
I relax in the knowledge that I am "just me" .. whatever I am wearing at the time.
I have given up asking myself "Why am I like this" and "why couldn't I have been 'normal' " and "What does it all mean?" AND I have given up comparing myself to others .. cos it doesnt work!

Just relax in who you are - enjoy what is to be enjoyed.
Be respectful to your partner.
and forget about the "sexual performance" side of the relationship - I reckon if you just enjoy one another the rest will look after itself.

All the best

[claire angie]

hi renee99
well i would agree with the other girls that have replyed to you and i would also say that i'm a hetro CD and love my wife very much and if you can tell your wife/girlfriend and if she loves you she'll stay with you.my wife is still with me it's hard for me to say but it's a very special bond between us. all iwill say to finish is stay true to yourself claire xx 0.02

[Jennaie]

I have a feeling that the next time your with her things will be different. I would suggest that you lose the fem clothing for the next encounter, just to see what happens. If you continue to have problems, I think perhaps some counciling may help.

Don't consume yourself with it. :happy:

[janedoe311]

except I am 50+. :heehee:

A crossdresser is a person that wears the clothes of the opposite gender for what ever reason. So if you put on woman’s clothes you are a CD!

The sex thing is an aspect of CDing and for some a stress release. Fantasying about being a woman is a turn-on even for some TG’s after SRS! Then the male hormones hit after your climax, and you think “why did I do this”, until the next time. That is normal. If the female feelings go away completely until the “next time” then it could be just a fetish and not “gender confusion”. Creating a fantasy when you make love is a necessity. A fantasy is a fantasy so if fanaticizing about being a woman while making love with your woman works then so what, she does not have to know. I doubt you would want to know her fantasies!

If you CD every day the “sex thing” will probably diminish, and the female side will come out. The problem with novelty, is that it goes away. I wore a bra and forms once all day while working on the house in the new basement, when my wife was gone with the kids for the night. By the end of the day I forgot I was wearing it! I could have walked to the car without realizing it.

Do not feel guilty or weird. It means you are in touch with yourself more than most people.

[renee99]

I have a feeling that the next time your with her things will be different. I would suggest that you lose the fem clothing for the next encounter, just to see what happens. If you continue to have problems, I think perhaps some counciling may help.

I should clarify and say that I was not dressed in anything and she is unaware of my preferences.

Fortunately for the topic of this thread, subsequent encounters seem to have improved. May have been just an issue of getting to know one another's physical preferences better. Setting my mind at ease from the replies may have helped too...