tekla west
06-21-2006, 10:35 PM
Going Out & About
First off, I would like to talk about going out. Even more, I would like to actively encourage people to get out from in front of their mirrors and just go out. "Get Up! Stand Up!" as Bob Marley said, and go out and "stand up for your rights." I think it is a positive step for us to undertake as individuals, and as part of our group.
Now I do not have any hard and fast statistics, but I think that those of us who venture out are few and far between, and I for one would simply like to just see more of us Tgirrls out and about.
Given that allegedly some 70-95% of crossdressers are to some degree heterosexual, I find it more than a bit strange that 99.99999999999% of the people I meet out dressed are gay. So where are all these straight people? Well either they are saving everything up for Halloween, or they are just not there, or they don’t know where to go, or they don't feel comfortable going out.
I’ll try to address most of these issues in the hopes that I might be able to make some small difference. I am only too well aware that I can not change everyone's mind, but I sure can help out a few, and one or two at a time will eventually create a groundswell.
Now I'm telling anyone to just come out without thinking about it, much less send anyone screaming out into oblivion. Remember, GOING OUT is not necessarily COMING OUT. I don't have any advice about dealing with your wife, your family, your job, or your neighbors. I'm just talking about how to go out in public and have a good time, and this is Bright Lights / Big City stuff at that. It its just about that, A GOOD TIME, not about making any big political statement, or causing some huge social, or cultural revolution, or anything messy like that.
I do think that done well, going out with an eye to Positive Presentation helps us bring an ever increasing public expression to the Tgirrl dressing faction of the gender variance community. Which, in turn, would increases freedom and acceptance for us all, or at least, most of us.
So whether you want to just need to get out of the house, or more fully and completely express yourself, or whether you want to meet people going out that door is the first big step. How else do you meet people who like dressers if you are not out dressed? I’m well aware that the first step out is a long, hard and very challenging one to take. I also know it’s worth the effort.
For myself, as this is going to attempt to explain, I have tried to incorporate dressing into the fuller texture of my entire life and going out has become a very dear part of that. I try to dress as women of my age, weight, occupation, and income would dress here in San Francisco. Slightly stylish, but never exaggerated. Nothing that screams out at anyone. Dull, muted colors, or, preferably, black. This is not about passing however, because I don't know if I "pass" I don't try to, and I really I don't even care. It's not my intention or my goal.
I just go out and try to be me. That's all. If someone has a problem with it, it is really their problem, not mine. Keep that in mind, because the world is full of people with problems. Just don’t become one of them.
I ry to rememer too where I am going, and be correct for that. Blend in, not stand out. So you can wear things to a dance club that you might not want to wear into your neighborhood watering hole in the middle of the afternoon.
So long as I feel gracious and act dignified, I'm cool with myself. I try to take myself seriously, (maybe seriously isn't quite the right word, because I don't mean it in the sense of grave or important - I'm thinking of credible, plausible and really, something more along the lines of legitimate) and find that in order to be taken reasonably I need to first present myself as a reasonable person. In order to lessen the public perception of dressing as some sort of perversion it is necessary to go out in public wearing suitable styles and maintaining a dignified bearing (i.e. not dressed or acting like a pervert) with gracious manners and pleasant mannerisms. Extolling an attitude of Please and I beg your pardon and even, if necessary, By your leave, and less one of IN YOUR FACE. People often agree to things when nicely asked, that they strongly object to when they are just rudely shoved in their face.
Too many people think that manners are only a means of having to beg and plead, and that is not the point, at their best, manners are a method of subtle corrosion that operate under the guise of a social lubricant.
I would like to state that for myself everything I have received and learned as a direct result of my going out in public in eyeshadow outlaw *** fashion desperado mode has been very positive for me, for my life, and to a lesser degree, for the people I meet. Few things I have ever done have had the profound personal ramifications on my own notions about freedom and empowerment than going public. It helped me feel better about myself by easing the stress and tension that the constant hiding, sneaking, lying, and deceit entailed. I also think that it helps us normalize ourselves in the world.
But, and this is a real big but . . . I have found that being out is a life changing activity, and like all such deals, should only be done after some thought has been given to it. So, think about it. There are going to be upsides and downsides to everything. And they are not necessarly what we first percive them as being either.
I think that the first thing that happened when I started going out was that it started to change the entire complexion of my dressing virtually overnight. In my room, dressing had always been a very private and secret thing, fixing more or less on certain items and not focused on the full and total deal that positive public presentation requires. I had to begin to think beyond the fantasies - those looks I dreamed of - and had to think about and pay more attention to what looked good on me, and what people were actually wearing in real life. I also had to start to think about how I was wearing it, as opposed to just thinking about having it on. Like the tears the Velveteen Rabbit cried, going out dressed made it all real to a degree I could not even imagine at the time.
I found out, quite rapidly in fact, that the world was in fact far different than I had imagined it to be. Most Tgirrls are not going to meet you like some long lost sister. Often the coldest reception I have ever received has been from other Tgirrls, dressers and queens. Funny huh?
Now I'll admit that a lot of this happened in the bad old days when the only place a Tgirrl could go was to the rotten bars, in the absolutely worst section of town, that tended to crater to a clientele dominated by the prostitutes and their customers. Or else there were the gay bars, which were safe, but often, not particularly friendly, and for the most part this too was a scene I did not particularly enjoy or feel at ease in, though it was much better than the pick up places, that's for sure.
Now so much of this has changed a in the last ten years, and the last 5 years in particular. In part that is because there are now simply a lot more of us going out and about in public, and if nothing else, this larger public presence has worked to destroy some of the old cliquey nature of the gay drag queen scene. And gay places get more and more above board also, and that helps.
Still, if you first efforts find you heading out to a "safe," or "Tgirrl friendly" place, just remember that it does not mean you will be outrageously welcomed. It just means that you are free to be there, and just being there is not necessarily enough. All relationships take time, and we might have an extra little hurdle there since to a large degree we are making it up as we go. So just give it the time and effort it requires and don't hope for too much too fast, that's all. Just something to keep in mind before you hit the door.
For the most part anymore I think you are free to do as you wish - once you consider the situation and the circumstances. If you want to dress up and go out to a modern techno rock concert in a trendy nightclub you will probably be OK. But think twice about dressing up for Homecoming in College Station - Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma State. (Actually think twice about that little slice of life, even dressed as a male, hell – even dressed as a cowboy.) So let prudence and common sense dictate some of your aspirations.
Others might worry about running into people they know. Now, 99% of all TG friendly venues are places you are not going to run into anyone you know, without finding out a big secret about them too. No one accidentally stumbles into a drag bar, TG lounge, or gay dance club. Many are darn hard to find even when you know where to look. But they are out there, just about everywhere as a matter of fact. Internet searches might help ya find them.
There are also groups, and, on occasion, even clubs, that offer places to change on the premises. You don't need to stroll out of the house in full drag in broad daylight. Its possible to do it on the fly (though I'm not nearly as skilled as some of the women I see doing their makeup at 70 mph down the freeway with the Revlon dashboard spread out in front of them), or in a parking lot, or at a friends house, or a gas station bathroom.
Of course . . . you could just go to another town. Many do.
Aside from people who know you, most people don't care. And that point is the big one, and the one I would like to go into a bit more because I think that the only reason that many more Tgirrls don't venture out is their thinking that the world will cave in on them, or somehow spin off its axis. Or they worry about unpleasant encounters with people who would seek to do them harm. Granted such people do exist, and one should be on their guard against them, but overall, your chances of meeting such people are almost totally in your control as you can pick and choose where it is you will be going.
A little forethought and planning can eliminate the vast majority of such negative encounters. But above all, these dressers simply worry about who the world at large will handle them, and for the most part, they seem to miss the big point here, which is that the world at large is indeed a very blasé place anymore, particularly in big cities. No one really cares about you because everyone in this day and age has other places to go, other people to meet, and other things to do. They are just too busy and absorbed in their life to really interfere in your life or even worry about you at all. We all know that's true in our everyday life, and as it turns out, the world does not change when you put a dress on, but what does change is your perception of it.
I guess the closest I could come to describing it is that dressing changes you, but not the rest of the world per se. The closest I could come to explaining what its like going out for that first few trips is to compare it to acid, or combat. Either way its an intense sensation where you are in a hyper-perceptive state, noticing things in a way, a depth, and a texture that you are not normally aware of. But this is a changing of your perceptions and notions, and not any big change in the world at large. The world is the same, even if you notice it differently.
The important thing then is not how the world regards you, but rather, how you regard the world. The key component turns out to be what you project out to the world. In other words, you can dictate to the world who you are, and how you want to be taken.
The worst treatment I get as a general rule is dirty little looks from uptight Christian Right types and I really don't give much thought to what they think anyway. Yeah, I've got a few catcalls, hoots and hollers over the years, but that's no big deal. I've never got into a fight, or arrested or anything bad. So I guess that the worst part of all this is what? Potential embarrassment?
A few people don't much care for it, and might even call you on it? OK, so what? They probably voted a straight Republican ticket and I'm not too wild about that - heck, I'm not all that thrilled about Democrats either these days.
Fifteen years ago I went out in New York all dressed up I walked about 10 blocks one way through the heart of midtown Manhattan in the early evening (5/6 o'clock or so), and those are huge blocks, including having to traverse the entire length of Times Square, the only people who seemed to notice at all were obviously tourists. The natives all have that uniquely big city attitude of ... Big deal, your the fifth guy in a dress I've seen ... In the last half hour!
San Francisco in the 1980's was even more blasé, if that is possible. On more than one occasion in SF I was almost assaulted by people who wanted me to know how cool they thought I was for dressing up like that, going out in public and Challenging the stereotypical roles that society has arbitrarily created for men and women.... blah, blah, blah .... on and on for forty five minutes, you know the type. And that's not what I thought I was doing anyway. I just wanted to feel pretty, grab a beer, and dance a little bit.
As long as you do no harm, you should free to feel about it as you wish. But that does not necessarily imply that everyone is going to get up and cheer for you or start a national holiday to celebrate the wonder that is you. To expect society to change (which it is always doing anyway) on this point is shallow, superficial and particularly self-absorbed. Besides, what is this "Society" thing anyway? No "society" ever showed up on my door to tell me a damn thing. For the most part, I think "society" is really the voice of your parents, your spouse, and yourself. Clear that up and you will find, as you have, that "society" doesn't have as much of a problem with this as you think. Particularly in 2006 and beyond.
First off, I would like to talk about going out. Even more, I would like to actively encourage people to get out from in front of their mirrors and just go out. "Get Up! Stand Up!" as Bob Marley said, and go out and "stand up for your rights." I think it is a positive step for us to undertake as individuals, and as part of our group.
Now I do not have any hard and fast statistics, but I think that those of us who venture out are few and far between, and I for one would simply like to just see more of us Tgirrls out and about.
Given that allegedly some 70-95% of crossdressers are to some degree heterosexual, I find it more than a bit strange that 99.99999999999% of the people I meet out dressed are gay. So where are all these straight people? Well either they are saving everything up for Halloween, or they are just not there, or they don’t know where to go, or they don't feel comfortable going out.
I’ll try to address most of these issues in the hopes that I might be able to make some small difference. I am only too well aware that I can not change everyone's mind, but I sure can help out a few, and one or two at a time will eventually create a groundswell.
Now I'm telling anyone to just come out without thinking about it, much less send anyone screaming out into oblivion. Remember, GOING OUT is not necessarily COMING OUT. I don't have any advice about dealing with your wife, your family, your job, or your neighbors. I'm just talking about how to go out in public and have a good time, and this is Bright Lights / Big City stuff at that. It its just about that, A GOOD TIME, not about making any big political statement, or causing some huge social, or cultural revolution, or anything messy like that.
I do think that done well, going out with an eye to Positive Presentation helps us bring an ever increasing public expression to the Tgirrl dressing faction of the gender variance community. Which, in turn, would increases freedom and acceptance for us all, or at least, most of us.
So whether you want to just need to get out of the house, or more fully and completely express yourself, or whether you want to meet people going out that door is the first big step. How else do you meet people who like dressers if you are not out dressed? I’m well aware that the first step out is a long, hard and very challenging one to take. I also know it’s worth the effort.
For myself, as this is going to attempt to explain, I have tried to incorporate dressing into the fuller texture of my entire life and going out has become a very dear part of that. I try to dress as women of my age, weight, occupation, and income would dress here in San Francisco. Slightly stylish, but never exaggerated. Nothing that screams out at anyone. Dull, muted colors, or, preferably, black. This is not about passing however, because I don't know if I "pass" I don't try to, and I really I don't even care. It's not my intention or my goal.
I just go out and try to be me. That's all. If someone has a problem with it, it is really their problem, not mine. Keep that in mind, because the world is full of people with problems. Just don’t become one of them.
I ry to rememer too where I am going, and be correct for that. Blend in, not stand out. So you can wear things to a dance club that you might not want to wear into your neighborhood watering hole in the middle of the afternoon.
So long as I feel gracious and act dignified, I'm cool with myself. I try to take myself seriously, (maybe seriously isn't quite the right word, because I don't mean it in the sense of grave or important - I'm thinking of credible, plausible and really, something more along the lines of legitimate) and find that in order to be taken reasonably I need to first present myself as a reasonable person. In order to lessen the public perception of dressing as some sort of perversion it is necessary to go out in public wearing suitable styles and maintaining a dignified bearing (i.e. not dressed or acting like a pervert) with gracious manners and pleasant mannerisms. Extolling an attitude of Please and I beg your pardon and even, if necessary, By your leave, and less one of IN YOUR FACE. People often agree to things when nicely asked, that they strongly object to when they are just rudely shoved in their face.
Too many people think that manners are only a means of having to beg and plead, and that is not the point, at their best, manners are a method of subtle corrosion that operate under the guise of a social lubricant.
I would like to state that for myself everything I have received and learned as a direct result of my going out in public in eyeshadow outlaw *** fashion desperado mode has been very positive for me, for my life, and to a lesser degree, for the people I meet. Few things I have ever done have had the profound personal ramifications on my own notions about freedom and empowerment than going public. It helped me feel better about myself by easing the stress and tension that the constant hiding, sneaking, lying, and deceit entailed. I also think that it helps us normalize ourselves in the world.
But, and this is a real big but . . . I have found that being out is a life changing activity, and like all such deals, should only be done after some thought has been given to it. So, think about it. There are going to be upsides and downsides to everything. And they are not necessarly what we first percive them as being either.
I think that the first thing that happened when I started going out was that it started to change the entire complexion of my dressing virtually overnight. In my room, dressing had always been a very private and secret thing, fixing more or less on certain items and not focused on the full and total deal that positive public presentation requires. I had to begin to think beyond the fantasies - those looks I dreamed of - and had to think about and pay more attention to what looked good on me, and what people were actually wearing in real life. I also had to start to think about how I was wearing it, as opposed to just thinking about having it on. Like the tears the Velveteen Rabbit cried, going out dressed made it all real to a degree I could not even imagine at the time.
I found out, quite rapidly in fact, that the world was in fact far different than I had imagined it to be. Most Tgirrls are not going to meet you like some long lost sister. Often the coldest reception I have ever received has been from other Tgirrls, dressers and queens. Funny huh?
Now I'll admit that a lot of this happened in the bad old days when the only place a Tgirrl could go was to the rotten bars, in the absolutely worst section of town, that tended to crater to a clientele dominated by the prostitutes and their customers. Or else there were the gay bars, which were safe, but often, not particularly friendly, and for the most part this too was a scene I did not particularly enjoy or feel at ease in, though it was much better than the pick up places, that's for sure.
Now so much of this has changed a in the last ten years, and the last 5 years in particular. In part that is because there are now simply a lot more of us going out and about in public, and if nothing else, this larger public presence has worked to destroy some of the old cliquey nature of the gay drag queen scene. And gay places get more and more above board also, and that helps.
Still, if you first efforts find you heading out to a "safe," or "Tgirrl friendly" place, just remember that it does not mean you will be outrageously welcomed. It just means that you are free to be there, and just being there is not necessarily enough. All relationships take time, and we might have an extra little hurdle there since to a large degree we are making it up as we go. So just give it the time and effort it requires and don't hope for too much too fast, that's all. Just something to keep in mind before you hit the door.
For the most part anymore I think you are free to do as you wish - once you consider the situation and the circumstances. If you want to dress up and go out to a modern techno rock concert in a trendy nightclub you will probably be OK. But think twice about dressing up for Homecoming in College Station - Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma State. (Actually think twice about that little slice of life, even dressed as a male, hell – even dressed as a cowboy.) So let prudence and common sense dictate some of your aspirations.
Others might worry about running into people they know. Now, 99% of all TG friendly venues are places you are not going to run into anyone you know, without finding out a big secret about them too. No one accidentally stumbles into a drag bar, TG lounge, or gay dance club. Many are darn hard to find even when you know where to look. But they are out there, just about everywhere as a matter of fact. Internet searches might help ya find them.
There are also groups, and, on occasion, even clubs, that offer places to change on the premises. You don't need to stroll out of the house in full drag in broad daylight. Its possible to do it on the fly (though I'm not nearly as skilled as some of the women I see doing their makeup at 70 mph down the freeway with the Revlon dashboard spread out in front of them), or in a parking lot, or at a friends house, or a gas station bathroom.
Of course . . . you could just go to another town. Many do.
Aside from people who know you, most people don't care. And that point is the big one, and the one I would like to go into a bit more because I think that the only reason that many more Tgirrls don't venture out is their thinking that the world will cave in on them, or somehow spin off its axis. Or they worry about unpleasant encounters with people who would seek to do them harm. Granted such people do exist, and one should be on their guard against them, but overall, your chances of meeting such people are almost totally in your control as you can pick and choose where it is you will be going.
A little forethought and planning can eliminate the vast majority of such negative encounters. But above all, these dressers simply worry about who the world at large will handle them, and for the most part, they seem to miss the big point here, which is that the world at large is indeed a very blasé place anymore, particularly in big cities. No one really cares about you because everyone in this day and age has other places to go, other people to meet, and other things to do. They are just too busy and absorbed in their life to really interfere in your life or even worry about you at all. We all know that's true in our everyday life, and as it turns out, the world does not change when you put a dress on, but what does change is your perception of it.
I guess the closest I could come to describing it is that dressing changes you, but not the rest of the world per se. The closest I could come to explaining what its like going out for that first few trips is to compare it to acid, or combat. Either way its an intense sensation where you are in a hyper-perceptive state, noticing things in a way, a depth, and a texture that you are not normally aware of. But this is a changing of your perceptions and notions, and not any big change in the world at large. The world is the same, even if you notice it differently.
The important thing then is not how the world regards you, but rather, how you regard the world. The key component turns out to be what you project out to the world. In other words, you can dictate to the world who you are, and how you want to be taken.
The worst treatment I get as a general rule is dirty little looks from uptight Christian Right types and I really don't give much thought to what they think anyway. Yeah, I've got a few catcalls, hoots and hollers over the years, but that's no big deal. I've never got into a fight, or arrested or anything bad. So I guess that the worst part of all this is what? Potential embarrassment?
A few people don't much care for it, and might even call you on it? OK, so what? They probably voted a straight Republican ticket and I'm not too wild about that - heck, I'm not all that thrilled about Democrats either these days.
Fifteen years ago I went out in New York all dressed up I walked about 10 blocks one way through the heart of midtown Manhattan in the early evening (5/6 o'clock or so), and those are huge blocks, including having to traverse the entire length of Times Square, the only people who seemed to notice at all were obviously tourists. The natives all have that uniquely big city attitude of ... Big deal, your the fifth guy in a dress I've seen ... In the last half hour!
San Francisco in the 1980's was even more blasé, if that is possible. On more than one occasion in SF I was almost assaulted by people who wanted me to know how cool they thought I was for dressing up like that, going out in public and Challenging the stereotypical roles that society has arbitrarily created for men and women.... blah, blah, blah .... on and on for forty five minutes, you know the type. And that's not what I thought I was doing anyway. I just wanted to feel pretty, grab a beer, and dance a little bit.
As long as you do no harm, you should free to feel about it as you wish. But that does not necessarily imply that everyone is going to get up and cheer for you or start a national holiday to celebrate the wonder that is you. To expect society to change (which it is always doing anyway) on this point is shallow, superficial and particularly self-absorbed. Besides, what is this "Society" thing anyway? No "society" ever showed up on my door to tell me a damn thing. For the most part, I think "society" is really the voice of your parents, your spouse, and yourself. Clear that up and you will find, as you have, that "society" doesn't have as much of a problem with this as you think. Particularly in 2006 and beyond.