inane ramblings... not worth reading...

[Michelle Ellis]

Well... what is this? Kind of a self diagnosis / testimonial / inane rambling kind of thing. Just something I feel (strongly) compelled to get off my chest. I'm feeling a little crazy right now. Please don't read it. It makes no sense and it's depressing. It's a symptom of my obsession. It really is quite a bore :happy: oh, if you do read it, please don't ask for your time back, and remember, I gave you fair warning.

Ever since I was very young I've wondered at why I've had the cruel misfortune of being born male. Since the time I could first put shoes on my own feet I would try on anything that looked feminine, I especially liked heels. I was always forgiven of it and even allowed to go about my business for a while. Soon after that I remember being told to stop, that it was inappropriate.

And then something happened when I was maybe around the age of five or six that changed my life forever. I was just very bored one afternoon, it was sunny outside and not a care in the world. So what do I do? I decide, for the first time ever, to go rummaging through my mothers and my two older sisters belongings. I snuck into their rooms and went thru their closets and drawers. I was simply enthralled with all the pretty clothes and under things I was finding! Eventually I came to one of my older sisters rooms and I found a very feminine little girls dress in all pink and white (my memory at this point in my life is a little foggy, so I don't want to stretch the truth by embellishing anything). I stared at the dress and thought to myself that I just had to try it on.

I couldn't put it on right there, someone would see me. So I grabbed a paper grocery bag and stashed the dress inside. Since we lived on a farm there was always someplace to go to be alone. Very covertly I took my bag with its hidden treasure and snuck out to the barn. At first I just took off my shirt, leaving myself dressed in my pants and shoes. I took the dress and slipped it on, I actually remember quite well zipping it up, it was very awkward having to do behind my back. I rolled up my pant legs to try to get them out of sight, but they felt wrong and I could still see them, I knew I had to go further. I was already scared to death of being found out, but I guess I just didn't care, so I took off my pants and put my shoes back on so I could still walk around. I walked thru the barn and the different stalls where the animals ate, I checked for eggs in the chicken coop, I was just having a great time. I climbed the ladder which led upstairs to the hay loft and I just sat down on a bale of hay and enjoyed my little game of dress up.

As I was sitting there, from out of nowhere I hear my mother open the main door to the barn and call out loudly for me. "Matthew! What are you doing up there!?" I was so busted, my pants and my shirt were downstairs in the bag. Which she noticed straight away, she asked "What are your clothes doing down here? Come down from there!"

I was so stricken with fear that I did not in fact come down :p I made her climb up to me instead, and when she did, and she saw me all dressed up, she didn't scold me like I envisioned but rather she told me I shouldn't be out here because I could get the dress dirty or rip or damage it somehow, that it wasn't mine to wear, and that it would be a lot worse if one of my sisters or my father had found me. So she let me get changed back to 'normal' and we put the dress back in the bag and she took it back into the house without anyone (to my knowledge) being the wiser.

Well that did it for me, every opportunity I've ever had to steal or 'borrow' anything feminine (anything) from that point forward I took advantage of. I did it with great excitement and anticipation and maybe only a couple times did I have any close calls, and have so far proven adept at staying in my bomb shelter, located under the sub basement of a very secure and safely locked closet. :D

Well that's history. And no doubt, there's been several interesting and unique adventures since then, but they don't fall within the scope here.

More recently, within the last 6 months, something has snapped. My whole life I've coped with my transgender nature and it's not really been a problem, just a frustration. I would blow off steam a couple times a week, or a few times a month, but now I'm obsessed to the point of continual distraction. I've given up just about all my hobbies which ranged from fishing to sports to motorcycles to cars and computers and more, and I don't make contact with any of my friends (they are all very sexist people anyhow) now all I seem to do is sit around all day in my spare time fantasizing or reading about make-overs or doing my hair, (which is long and blonde btw :p ) or even, you guessed it, reading these forums. I've started shaving every day, everywhere, I dress up every day, sometimes several times, and for the first time ever I don't get bored with being enfemme, I just stay that way now as long as I'm able.

I struggle to put into words what I'm feeling, I can only hope I've done an adequate job (for myself), and that getting this off my chest might be healthy or somehow good for me... but I wonder why I'm about to tell people I don't know (and know nothing about) my most inner and most safely guarded secrets. I feel perverted and queer to tell you the truth, and yet at the same time I don't care, and wouldn't change if I could. Well, I would change into a girl in a heartbeat :happy: but my life just isn't going to allow for that. So I harden myself for the life I was given and try my best to avoid constant depression.

Thanks for listening to my inane ramblings, there's really no place else in the world I could possibly say this, to anyone! I really do appreciate the chance to vent a little, it's been with me for way too long.

Michelle

[Wenda]

Hey Michelle, welcome to the family! My experience is very similar to you, just less extreme. My mom's sisters and an older cousin of mine used to curl my hair, and 'make me pretty'. When I turned 6, that all ended abruptly. I was now a little man, going to school, and it was time to be sensible.
I dressed furtively for years, but not intensely. After I married, I pretty much lost the urge. I divorced in 2002, and rediscovered dressing in 2004. I have spent many hours on this forum. It is addictive, but it is also therapuetic. Again, welcome, w.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Michelle

Feel free to rant away, that's what we're here for. I don't have much time, so I just want to say that you're not a pervert, you're not a queer, you're just a person, probably a nice one at that. We've all had those feelings at one time or another, so just let go of that nonsense because it serves no purpose, other than to get you chasing your own tail. That will get you nowhere fast, plus you'll get tired. So relax, and know that we're always here for you.

Karen

[Paulam]

Dear michelle, Don't feel that your thoughts are inane or ramblining. I think most of us girls feel much like you do. Isin't it great that you have a way to tell some one and relieve the frustrations that that go along with holding all this inside us? It is so nice to have someone to talk to.
Hugs Paulam

[Sarah Rabbit]

This sounds about normal:happy: Welcome to the Community. As for the rambling, it's just your innerself 'Exploding' out from within..Enjoy

Sarah R. :bunny:

[christine55]

Then they really are.
Hugs, Christine

[sterling12]

Hi Michelle:

Actually, one of the better pieces of writing that I've seen on this site. It's a very well thought out story and gives a lot of insight into your life.

Michelle, please don't stop writing, you have a gift. And, perhaps the writing down of your thoughts and ideas will help yourself and others.

Are you "perverted and queer?" Well, there are thousands of us on this site who are just like you. Probably many millions more, out there in the World. I'm sure that some feel the same way as yourself but I begin to believe that it's a gift that we have been given. Everyday heralds an "evolving" for Joanie, I get kind of excited to see where that evolvement is going to lead. All in all, I'm pretty happy with us.....hope you start to feel that way too!

Peace and love, Joanie

[ronda]

i know how you feel your story is not insane rambling it is your life and what you enjoy and how you feel from your heart i to would like to dress enfem everyday all day but that can not happen so i enjoy the time that i haveas much as i can :D :happy: :heehee:

[Michelle Ellis]

Thanks everyone for the kind words, they are appreciated big time. I feel such confusion and frustration... I'm closer than ever to talking to a doctor about this as, like I said, the last few months for me have been hell. I've kept my urges in check up till now. I've never had very good luck with doctors... in fact right now I'm without one, and I don't think I could muster the courage anyways, I would get so nervous about it he would probly think I'm on drugs or something.

Now I just about feel I have no outlet, and I'm just banging my head against the wall everyday. I've started gettng really self conscience around people, male and female both. I'm over 30, and it's been years since I've had a serious gg girlfriend, or even went out. Everyone who knows me knows this, and I can't help but think that everyone is going to start thinking I'm gay LOL and while that may be *close* to the truth it is actually not the truth. I'm way too complicated for that LOL

Having trouble sleeping again... it's almost 2:30am, and I have to be up in the morning.

Goodnite everybody.

[Carroll]

WOW, you just put in words that a great deal of us have/will/are going through, and very elegant I might add. I am sure there are some that will disagree with me here, but you might want to find a support group or even a counselor to help you through this. If we knew where on the big blue marble you lived at, I bet there is someone here that lives near by and can help you out by pointing you to in the right direction. All to often a transgender person may get so down that they do something that they might regret later...if there is a later. The first step you have done by ranting here. We will always be here to help you out.

:hugs: Carroll

[Teresa Amina]

I'm over 30

Be glad you're coming to terms with it so young! This TG road is a toughie. I turned 50 last December and until last fall kept things more or less "controlled". The real word is "suppressed", and when you clamp down on what is just the genuine You trying to express herself there are all kinds of consequences (like your insomnia). You've come to a good place here to vent and explore just what the heck is going on in your life. Many of the posts you read will be like looking into a mirror. You're not alone in this and we all walk a pretty strange road a lot like yours.:hugs:

[TGMarla]

It's hard, I know. Sometimes it just wants to take over, and we in general all likely take more risks when it does. We get obsessive, and get tunnel vision. It takes away from our ability to get anything else done. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle, too, but it's probably better when we do, and try to get something accomplished beyond dressing up. Just know that you aren't alone in this. But maybe you need to get a little more control over yourself and try to back off a little. Just a thought.

[Jennaie]

Thank you for sharing this story Michelle. I loved reading it and related to it very much. :happy:

[Joy Carter]

Welcome Michelle The big things to get over are I don't love myself, I'm ashamed of myself and I don't accept myself this way. If you can beat thouse three things then you have arrived. Just don't let life pass you by before you know it you will be older and worse off. Take our advice we have all been there.
:hugs:

[Karren H]

Wow!! What an experience! For me it was my mothers lingerie and I had a stash of it hidden in the garage early on and later some of my sisters hidden in the basement!! And it took me 40+ years to get over the feeling of being odd and alone! But once I realized that Karren was a part of who I am and isn't going away....again, then life in both genders got significantly better!! And fun! Now its the best of both genders, when and where I want!!
And I wouldn't trade that for anything!! So hope your quest ends up on the happy side if life, you deserve that and more!!

Love Karren

[Ms. Donna]

Well... what is this? Kind of a self diagnosis / testimonial / inane rambling kind of thing. Just something I feel (strongly) compelled to get off my chest. I'm feeling a little crazy right now. Please don't read it. It makes no sense and it's depressing. It's a symptom of my obsession. It really is quite a bore oh, if you do read it, please don't ask for your time back, and remember, I gave you fair warning.
Hi Michelle,

Neither inane nor depressing - nor hardly a bore. Actually a quite articulate summary of what about 90% of the members have experienced.


More recently, within the last 6 months, something has snapped. My whole life I've coped with my transgender nature and it's not really been a problem, just a frustration. I would blow off steam a couple times a week, or a few times a month, but now I'm obsessed to the point of continual distraction.
Incipit phase II: again, we all seem to hit this point as well. I see it as a turning point - where you start to work out just what this all means to you. Do you dress for fun? For comfort? Is it simply a 'fashion' thing? Or, is it something more - something quite deeply rooted in your sense of self? Some part of your identity - your persona - which can no longer be contained and satisfied 'now and then'?

It is an awakening: the recognition of the denial of that person whom you were to become but never did. Like a pendulum, you have swung from one extreme to the other - the trick now it to recognise this for what it is and to dampen the swinging and find balance: that which resonates for you and is most life affirming.

I went through the exact same thing. Read about it here (http://cydathria.com/ms_donna/bio12.html) - especially My post on Monday - Dec 8, 1997 (http://cydathria.com/ms_donna/donna_post01.html). At that time had reached many of the same conclusions as to what I 'needed' to do. Thankfully, time and much soul-searching proved that what I 'needed, ultimately, was different than what I initially believed.


I wonder why I'm about to tell people I don't know (and know nothing about) my most inner and most safely guarded secrets.
Because you have kept this bottled up for far too long - and we 'get it' without you having to try and 'explain it all'. And because we are strangers to you. From a social perspective, we're safe - you have nothing to loose and much to gain.


I feel perverted and queer to tell you the truth, and yet at the same time I don't care, and wouldn't change if I could.
And you gotta problem wit' perverted and queer? ;)

Queer? As in 'different'? Maybe... All depends on who's in the room at the time.

Perverted? Only you can speak to that. IMO, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless perversion now and then. :D

Sound like you'll 'fit in' here just fine.


Welcome!


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[KELLYANN]

HI MICHELLE. many in society look at us as queers or freaks, or perverts. it seems gays and lesbiens have gotten there road on the straight and narrow. but it seems we, CD'S, TG'S, TV'S HAVE AN UPHILL BATTLE. i don't understand why we are looked down upon. because we are feminine/ i dont think so. in most cases, all you here is hey that girls a guy. well to hell with them! i feel what i feel and i am what i am! and so damn proud of it! HUGS TO YOU AND ALL MY SISTERS!!!!

[Michelle Ellis]

I certainly didn't expect such a nice response, you girls are the most understanding cool bunch I've seen, ever. I hoped this would be the case when I joined here.

Well! I've spent what free time I've had today reading and trying to digest what everyone has said, and I'm still absorbing all the other interesting reading there is to be done here. I'm really glad to have found this place.

I just love some of the replys you guys made!

Wenda, I think we can both relate well, I too got the whole make over bit on my hair when I was a kid. One of my sisters, a soon to be beautician, would do it up all femme and then show me, I would freak out and she would laugh and say she was just kidding, and then she would do it in a male style to appease my (false) protest LOL and I kept falling for it... everytime :p she used to tease me my hair was better than hers. Hers is curly, mine is straight. So that's my revenge I guess hehe

(Gypsy)Karen, ty! you seem like a very nice supportive person to me. I do feel like I'm chasing my tail. And you're right, I am getting tired of it.

Sarah, yes! Exploding is the perfect adjective in this case :happy:

Joanie, thank you so much :hugs: I tried today thinking of myself as gifted, not perverted, and that is an interesting thought. But I'll need a lot work with that one.

Thanks Carroll, but I think I would just DIE talking about all this with someone for real :eek: and I live in a small(ish) town... OMG, the paranoia of being found out would almost certainly do me in. Still, it's an intriguing thought, maybe if all the conditions were just 'perfect'... but there I am again in fantasy land hehe great input tho, ty,

Teresa, it's funny... what you say about age. I think that's something that contributed to my current state. I've been thinking most of this year that I'm not getting any younger, and I need to have fun and live it up while I can, and so I have, I've had several 'firsts' lately. While all this extra activity of mine is *very* rewarding in some ways, I fear it's not so good in others.

Marla, I couldn't agree more, I need to get a hold of myself :p

Thanks so much Karren! :happy: I like what you say about the best of both genders! Since I know I'll never get my fairy tale wish and magicly wake up one day female, I'm willing to bet what you said will be with me for a long time. (hey, hot new avatar btw!)

Donna, some good reading there in those links, thanks. Well, if I did have a problem with perverted and queer you wouldn't know it! hehe But seriously, ty, I take everything you say to heart.

Thanks everyone for trying to make me feel at home here. Great comments from all.

I still can't belive myself :p

[Tiffy]

Michelle, all I can say is welcome home. And you do know us. Most of us have lived this same story or one close. We all share a common intrests. You are among friends and family here. Just took you a while to find your way home. So welcome home again, and thank you for sharing your feelings and story Very ell written BTW.


April Marie

[sparks]

Well as stated most of us can relate to your story. We all have had those feelings you're expressing. Don't fret about some have them stronger than others and we most likely Cd to a different degree.
I too just when through a phase fairly recently where all I could think of was dressing. Maybe the frustration was that with a small house and a family I couldn't blow off the "steam" when necessary. Thankfully I just had a week alone to come to grips with it. Just aboute everything fell back into perspective and I'm back to my normal but very sarcasstic self. Will I have another episode of dressing blues? Maybe and maybe not. But like you I've found a place full of caring people who will listen to the ranting, raving and soul exposing.
Believe me you are not alone and among friends here!

[ChristineRenee]

Not inane ramblings at all Michelle. You just shared your experience with people who are very much like yourself. This is what this place is for and about...support and understanding. You aren't alone here...and you are among friends.Thanks for sharing your story with us.:hugs:

[Julie York]

Oh bugger!!


There I was having a sulk and being all self pitying and not posting because no-one loves me anymore. (I hate you all btw, you know who you are!). I am in retirement. Well I was!!! And then some silly ** has to post something interesting.:happy:

Your post was fascinating because it is well written , but it is also an experience that captures the essence of that childhood innocence and an urge to express something that is simply part of you. It doesn't make sense when you grow out of it, any more than wanting to be a horse or alien or whatever would make sense when you are 30. We just grew up and still want to be Captain Fantastic and it doesn't fit 'normality'. We have this urge to express something that was with us when we were so young. And when we were young it was pure. There's some spiritual element to it that is way beyond what it gets perverted to when you 'grow up'.

Just remember....as Oscar said....The way to overcome temptation is to give in to it.

That's not as silly as it sounds.

I wish you well.

[Michelle Ellis]

I'm glad so many of your enjoyed my story, I certainly didn't set out to be entertaining, just trying to clear my head a little and speak as honestly as I could, from my heart. For a long time now I've been meaning to write down my feelings, if nothing else, just for my own purposes.

I've posted plenty on the internet before this, so when I came here I was just hoping for an open forum to speak my mind with no fear.

To think, I got all that and so much more :happy:

Sorry for ruining your sulk Julie hehe

[Bernice]

Thanks Carroll, but I think I would just DIE talking about all this with someone for real :eek: and I live in a small(ish) town... OMG, the paranoia of being found out would almost certainly do me in. Still, it's an intriguing thought, maybe if all the conditions were just 'perfect'... but there I am again in fantasy land hehe great input tho, ty,


Your posts are not rambling. They are carefully written expressions of how you feel. This is theraputic in itself. If we can help beyond that, so much the better.

Talking with someone for real is is distinct possibility Michelle. All you need to do is to make friends here, and slowly reveal enough about yourself to find someone you can really trust, and then bring up the possibility of a face to face meeting. Go slow, and with caution, but move deliberately towards your goal. Make effective use of PM and e-mail as well. Don't be shy here... you are among potential best friends!