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Taylor105
06-22-2006, 07:26 AM
Hello everyone,

My name is Taylor. I wasn't born with that name. It's the name I have been going by since 2001. I have always struggled with my sexual identity. I don't want to have any operations but I want people to see me as a guy. I am 32 years old but I weigh 81 pounds at five foot three and therfore I am very small. The few times that people have thought I was a boy out in public, they saw me as a twelve year old boy. lol I have had little middle school aged girls flirt with me. It's kind of sad. But at the same time I get happy that at least they think I look like a boy. I'm no pervert and would never talk to any of them. I just smile and walk in the opposite direction before they try to talk to me. lol This is the first time I have ever looked online for a support forum for people like me. My family would not be supportive of me. They are accepting the fact that I don't like guys but they don't know about me wanting to be a boy. If I cut my hair it would be obvious. That's what I want to do. I kinda like the look that Hilary Swank had in "Boy's don't Cry". Right now my hair is all one length and almost to the shoulders, parted in the middle. I have a nose ring that I have had since 1993. I wear either beanies or ball caps all the time. I guess people think of me as a kid because I like the skater punk look. Big baggy jeans or shorts, boxers sticking just over the tops of my pants because the pants are saggin', big shirts, and wallet with big chains. That's who I am. I have been wanting to look into talking to other people like me for a long time. I saw a movie on Lifetime the other night that really affected me. It was called "A Girl Like Me". It was about a male to female but the premis was about the same. Just opposite. I live with my foster mom and another roommate. They are both Christians...who don't think it is right for me to be the way I am. They accept the fact that I dress how I want to dress and we have talked about my sexuality but mom always says having the thoughts are okay...just don't act on them. I'm very confused having been brought up in church. I don't go anymore but I am a Christian. I get very torn up inside about everything. I know I was born this way. I can't help it. But at the same time I was programmed to believe that I will go to hell if I find a girlfriend. So I don't. I just hang out with my friends who accept me the way that I am. They call me Taylor and they hang with me at the mall or wherever we go. They see the little girls flirting with me and stuff. I don't know if I will ever attract women just because of my size and baby face. The reason I am so small is I have anorexia. I have been fighting that disease since 2001 also. Okay, so basically you guys (no pun intended) :happy: know a little about me. Thanks for reading. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all. :D Sincerely, Taylor

Taylor105
06-22-2006, 08:11 AM
Thanks so much for your comments!! I know this might sound stupid but you just made my heart skip a beat for calling me a lucky guy. lol Noone has ever said anything like that to me before. Thanks!! I think I'm gonna like it here. Are you sure my hair is okay? I have seen tons of guys with hair this length so maybe you are right. It is the style right now. Especially for skater punks like me. haha

I don't think you look girly at all. From your avatar it looks like you have sideburns. Are they real? I don't think I could grow any.

I have been battling anorexia since my 21 year old brother was killed in a car accident in 2001. I don't know why...it just happened. It has sucked because I am in and out of the hospital a lot. The only cool part about it is I don't have to bind. lol My chest is as flat as a guys. I just normally wear a white hanes t-shirt under every shirt I wear.

On the eating thing. I am starting to get better. About six months ago I weighed only 74 pounds. So I have been steadily gaining. I just don't want my body to develop back to the curvy female body I had at 130 pounds!!

Anyway, thanks for writing back so soon. Peace, Taylor

Kieron Andrew
06-22-2006, 08:25 AM
wow hey there dude!! another guy to hang out with way cool!!!!! welcome to our humble abode!

if you want access to the boys clubhouse PM me and i would be happy to guide you through getting access :)

Taylor105
06-22-2006, 09:17 AM
I think I'm a computer moron. lol I can't find the PM button. Taylor

Kirchein
06-22-2006, 09:22 AM
SOO WELCOME TO OUR INTERGALACTIC SPACESHIP!!

yeaah i agree with LEx u pass as a guy (i though u were one when i saw ur photos) ;) so congratulations :P

:D

mms i was going to say sth more but i forgot

welcome again

eat cookies loooots of cookiiees (who the fuk has invented them?)

and vote kirchein 4 president! (plis)

Taylor105
06-22-2006, 09:24 AM
Never mind...figured it out. I should learn to keep my big mouth shut and quit making an ass out of myself. hehe Taylor

Taylor105
06-22-2006, 09:25 AM
Thanks Kirchein!! You are a cool dude!! Y'all don't know how this is boosting my ego to hear this. lol Taylor

CaptLex
06-22-2006, 09:26 AM
Hi, Taylor and Welcome! :welcom:

That's a great intro and thanks for the pics too. You look just like a guy to me and I'm jealous about not having to bind, but I'm sorry to hear about your anorexia. It's good that you're dealing with it and I hope your progress continues. I'm also sorry about your brother.

The family and religion issue is a complex one. I have family issues too, but I'm lucky to have great, supportive friends and I'm glad you have people to hang out with that accept you as Taylor. That's so important for us because we can become isolated and withdrawn, which leads to all kinds of problems.

We have a religion forum here on this site and maybe some of the members can help with you with those issues. Personally, I grew up a Christian with a very judgmental and condemning family and I no longer consider myself part of that community. I'm not saying that path is for everyone, it's just the one I chose for me. I suppose I can't reconcile my transgender and sexual orientation issues with the religious community I was part of, so I've left it.

Anyway, it's nice to see you and hear from you. I hope you'll stick around and get to know us - we're a nice, friendly bunch. :D

Adam
06-22-2006, 09:40 AM
welcome dude you look alot like my brother and to be honest i thought you was a guy when i first looked b4 i read you post

well hope you like it here its great to have another dude here :D

Tamara Croft
06-22-2006, 09:56 AM
Hiya Taylor :welcom: to the loonie bin :bs: I can't believe you're 32 :eek: I thought we had a minor join our forum :p You def look like a young lad to me :D

Taylor105
06-22-2006, 10:04 AM
LOL Thanks everyone!! I know. I don't know whether to be thankful I look so young or to be pissed!! How will I ever find a chick who is over 18? Ah well....I'm really not looking right now anyway. I gave up smoking because I got carded one too many times and I even had one stupid clerk accuse me of having a fake drivers liscense!! Whatever... Anyway, for real guys...do you think my hair is okay this length? How long is too long? I try to keep it the length it is in the pics or even a bit shorter. I usually cut it about the time it starts sticking out under my beanies. It's sticking out now. UGH!!! Oh...I forgot to mention that I live in Texas...not that it has any relevance to this post. LOL Just wanted to mention that since I notice that some of you guys are from different countries than me. Peace, Taylor

Kieron Andrew
06-22-2006, 10:10 AM
i got examples of how my hair was in this http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27976
thread and this http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28002
thread.............i think your hair looks fine, it depends how short you wanna go!

mistunderstood
06-22-2006, 02:17 PM
Dude like welcome to the forum. Hope you like it here. This web site has keeped me going lately, hope it can help you to.

Abraxas
06-22-2006, 09:25 PM
Hey Taylor, nice to have you on board!
You seem real talkative-- like that! Rock on with it, we need more action here! :)
And, bro-- you ever need to talk and sort stuff out you're more than welcome to-- that's what we're all here for!
As for the hair-- take a look at this dude:
http://photos-850.facebook.com/n15/40/75/29003762/n29003762_30119850_6125.jpg
Undenably masculine (and undeniably drunk...)

Taylor105
06-22-2006, 10:48 PM
Yep...I never know when to shut my damned trap. I guess it's part of my charm. lol In that pic are all the guys biologically female? I would be totally shocked. They all look like guys. I wouldn't notice them as girls AT ALL!! I'm sitting here downing some Parrot Bay coconut rum. I gotta be careful though because I am the size of a child. I get way wasted really quick. But hell, my inhibitions come down and I eat without caring about the calories so I am cool with that. It's time I let go of the disease and just be who I am. I think coming here and hanging with you guys will help me out immensely. I was at the store with my best friend Craig earlier today and some older man was trying to reach for something and I was in his way. He said "excuse me son". I don't know why but when people say that it makes me feel euphoric. Do any of you get that warm fuzzy feeling when someone in public thinks you are a biological guy? Or am I just weird? And yeah Lex, I have decided that when my hair gets any longer it is gone!! I guess if I start gaining the weight back I will just stay in baggy clothes and start the binding shit that you guys have to go through. The only good thing about anorexia is that you are totally flat. But the hospitalizations suck!!! Here is me all wasted in the hospital on i.v. Demorol for pain working on getting well. I get intestinal blockages quite often because my digestive system is trying to shut down on me and I can't digest food properly anymore. It sucks but the damage is done. I tell you one thing though. The drugs sure are good. lol I am in La-La land in this pic. Don't even remember it being taken. Can you tell I like to share pics yet? LOL Taylor

p.s. Mistunderstood...I am feeling that this place will keep me going too. Thanks for your comment.

p.s. to Lex...side burns or not you still look like a dude. So don't sweat it.

Peace!!

Abraxas
06-22-2006, 11:21 PM
Naw, the two on the left are bio guys-- my buddies Alex and Al. I'm on the right (in the striped shirt).

And, as for the euphoria, no I don't get quite that happy. It makes me smile on the inside, haha.
Other night I was at a waffle place with my friend Veronica and the waitress came to take our orders, and said "Ladies first," looking at Vero. That was pretty cool... Vero made a big deal out of it though, haha, she said "OMG she called you a guy!"
I just grinned and said, "Actually, she called you a girl."
It was kinda funny. :p

Abraxas
06-22-2006, 11:23 PM
Oh yeah-- don't worry about sharing pics. I'm a photo nut and tend to post my fair share, too... haha

sparro
06-23-2006, 12:01 AM
Welcome to the forum, Taylor! You really do look totally man. I was really quite impressed when I saw your pictures.

Exploring sexuality is already hard enough, if religion didn't come after that. I suppose it really is a personal choice to go on following your religion or try what feels natural. I never thought I'd find a girlfriend unless I went to some strange club or something. The reason it's probably hard for you to find one right now is because you're still conflicted about whether or not you SHOULD be dating, let alone looking for a girlfriend (I'm not trying to pick you apart or anything, just kind of musing aloud). You sound like a really nice guy, though. There's nothing wrong with your look, either (you don't look that young, really). No problems there :thumbsup:

Marlena Dahlstrom
06-23-2006, 12:59 AM
Welcome Taylor!

BTW you might be interested in this paper (http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/FEMDYS.html) by a transman sociologist, which among other things looks at how anorexia could be related to gender dysphoria for some.

Ryan
06-23-2006, 04:37 AM
Hi Taylor bro welcome to the forum, not one for many words on here, but again, welcome. Oh yea so jealous about the binding, I cant as I am so big, 38 dd's and they just wont stay flat :-( Ryan.

Taylor105
06-23-2006, 06:49 AM
Sparro....thanks for your comments. You are so right. I guess another big reason I have not been persuing a relationship is that I still have so much to work on about myself. I have some issues...the anorexia for one, and I don't want to hurt someone by having them love me just so feel the heartache of my illness. I feel that until I can get myself better I should just go solo for awhile. Thanks for your comments. You are too cool!!

Marlena...Thanks so much for that link. I was looking at that article and had absolutely no idea that people like us suffered with anorexia too. I guess I never realized it could be linked. Thanks again for shedding more light for me!!

Ryan...cool name!! I saw your pic and thought you were a bio guy right off. Your hair is awesome!! The biggest I have ever been in the chest and that is when my body was healthy was 34 B. I don't ever want to go back there. My body was curvy too. That sucked!! I don't want to keep being sick either though. What's a guy to do?

Taylor

kristine239
06-23-2006, 12:13 PM
Thought you might be interested to know that you have support in high places. Dr. Stephen Whittle, based in London, is a noted FtM and will be the next president of HBIGDA. If you don't know what thats is I suggest you go to www.hbigda.org.

Jamison Green, well known FtM is expected to be at Transgender 2007. You might want to check out www.transeventsusa.org and consider attedning any one of the major TG conferences where you will be welcomed by a lot of FtM's.

Ryan
06-23-2006, 06:04 PM
Sparro....thanks for your comments. You are so right. I guess another big reason I have not been persuing a relationship is that I still have so much to work on about myself. I have some issues...the anorexia for one, and I don't want to hurt someone by having them love me just so feel the heartache of my illness. I feel that until I can get myself better I should just go solo for awhile. Thanks for your comments. You are too cool!!

Marlena...Thanks so much for that link. I was looking at that article and had absolutely no idea that people like us suffered with anorexia too. I guess I never realized it could be linked. Thanks again for shedding more light for me!!

Ryan...cool name!! I saw your pic and thought you were a bio guy right off. Your hair is awesome!! The biggest I have ever been in the chest and that is when my body was healthy was 34 B. I don't ever want to go back there. My body was curvy too. That sucked!! I don't want to keep being sick either though. What's a guy to do?

Taylor
Ta bro, I have no hair at the moment though, haha, hacked it all off the other week, oops. Just waiting for it to grow back now.

RevMoonSerpent
06-23-2006, 06:11 PM
Hey Taylor,
Welcome to our little corner of the world. Truthfully its great that you are here. We can always use some more guys. All the wonderful ladies here out rank us in numbers so high that it will probably take us forever to even come close to catching up but, what guy isn't happy to be surrounded by women. :D

Taylor105
06-23-2006, 08:47 PM
It's great to be here. I am very talkative and inquisitive so I hope I don't get on everyone's nerves. It's great to be here though. Tay :D

mistunderstood
06-23-2006, 09:12 PM
Hey thats ok talk away.

Taylor105
06-23-2006, 09:57 PM
K...I will. I will save my more intimate embarrassing questions for the other board though. lol Taylor