How do you deal with loneliness?

[DonnaTgyrl]

Being in a state of limbo between male (body) and female (mind) has brought me much loneliness. Born with a male body and raised as a male, society set expectations for me as a male. I did the "male" things because that is what was expected of me. Service, marriage, relationships. Yet the "expectations" for a male were beyond my reach as my mind wanted to engage in those activites as a female. So I had to do the best I could which never turned out to be good enough.

As Donna I find a peace and serenity that is comforting. Yet my past experiences have all been in "male" mode and that weighs heavily on how I am as a female. As many have said on here, we never got the chance to experience growing up as a female, the dating, the proms, the sleepovers, the things that girls enjoyed and that molded them into women.

Through my 50+ years, there have been short periods of time that Donna has been able to enjoy herself. Yet it has always been back to "male" mode for the job, to survive financially. Society appears to not be ready for us in the workplace.

Because of my loneliness, I crave a relationship, someone to love me. The problem I find is that when I attract a female in male mode, I know there is going to be a point where she is going to have to know about Donna. In my age group, those women are looking for the male to fullfill their needs. Shattering that expectation has proven in the past to shatter the relationship.

As I sit here in tears trying to write this, how do you deal with the loneliness?

[Rickie]

Sadly, I have no answer for you. But I do wish you well, and will pray you find strength. Myself, when I finally got sober and did a very good inventory. That when I found that good place in my own heart for myself. I came to realize that I was a good person, with a loving heart. I found out that I really did like myself. So I've lived alone for the last 9yrs but I'm not lonely.

I wish you well my sister.

:hugs:
Rickie

[Kara Alexia]

I'm alone, and yet, I'm not alone. I have good friends that support me but aren't here to support me in person, which makes things quite lonely; they're in the army. I sift through the days rather slowly with no will to do anything productive. I just waste away... But then I realize that I can't go on living like this, in this purgatory of sorrow. It's up to us to shape our own destinies! I have many dreams, and believe me, I'm not going to let them slip away from me! If you need someone to talk to, email me or send me a PM.

~Kara~

[Kate Simmons]

You find friends Donna. I was where you seem to be a couple of years ago. I took it upon myself to seek out people who would accept me. Sometimes personal relationships aren't all they are cracked up to be. You have to work at them, be you straight, gay, bi, whatever. I've pretty much settled into being by myself. I'm not really alone however. I have a plethora of friends, including those on this forum. We can talk about things pretty openly which helps a lot. I've been with others intimately as Ericka but to find that "special" person takes a lot of work and looking. I haven't given up but I'm told that when you stop "looking" the right person will appear when you least expect it. In the meantime, I have my friends which isn't half bad by any means. Take care, Ericka

[Karren H]

Awwww. Now you got me teary eyed reading your post. Guess were different from the fact that I enjoy being both male and female, at different times. Kind of the best of both genders so to speak. And once I came to grips that Karren wasn't going away, I integrated her into my life. My wife knows I dress but still loves me as her husband. So even though I am a sort of loner, more so as Karren, I'm never lonely. Hope you can find someone in you life to fill that void!!

Love Karren

[kathy gg]

Donna welcome to the forum.

I see you are also a fellow Texan and lucky girl you live in one of the coolest cities if one is trans. Austin is more cool and accepting than you would imagine.

When I was single and looking to date a cd I actually used to go to one of the bars 'Bout TIme right off the interstate. yes it looks like a hole, but it is actually a good place to meet like minded people. The staff are very nice and it attracts a pretty lively crowd.

If you are not a "bar" person, perhaps joining Tri-Ess which I think still has a chapter there or CTTS {you shoudl be able to google both} will give you other means of meeting friends. Now , can't guarantee you will find a gg friend...but sometimes in those between stages, just having a gaggle of friends to socilize with takes the edge of going solo. When I was involved with CTTS they orgaznied socials, dinners, outings and even a boat cruise! Again, I was able to make alot of friends {no cd boyfriends} but certainly some friends which are still part of my life today.

Anyway, if you want to meet an open minded female, putting yourself out there in situations where you will meet women en femme is not a bad way to start. Although I never was a part of the other alternative scenes in Austin, I am sure there are other ways to meet women who are not into the boring vanilla type of relationship too.

Anyway...I miss Austin! And I did not even live there! Used to drive up once or twice a month to hang out with my friends though! Fun times! Hope my hubby and I can retire there when we get gereatric!

[Sophia Rearen]

[QUOTE=DonnaTgyrl]
Because of my loneliness, I crave a relationship, someone to love me. The problem I find is that when I attract a female in male mode, I know there is going to be a point where she is going to have to know about Donna. In my age group, those women are looking for the male to fullfill their needs. Shattering that expectation has proven in the past to shatter the relationship. [QUOTE]

Donna, seems to me you may have some self limiting beliefs. What do you think the needs are of a 50ish year old woman? Just a male? Probably not. I'd be willing to bet that this age group would be more accepting of someone like yourself. They would probably prefer an honest and loving companion. Can you provide the male side as well as the Donna side?

I agree with Kathy, get out there and be seen. If you're not into the club scene, Donna should find stores that welcome her. Become a regular. Go to a salon and get to know the staff. The salon I go to is very accepting and loaded with GG staff and clients. Cheer up, it will be fine.

[janedoe311]

I am married. I was miserable when I was single. Got married on my 40th, was scared to death of being alone the rest of my life. I am shy so it was hard finding someone. Was a cook and hung out in the restaurant when off. I also when to the community college and worked in the computer lab. Now that you mentioned it I am sure that was a subconscious effort to combat the loneness.

Find clubs to join. Hand out at the local coffee shop. Take classes, swim at the local pool. Do not be alone when you are depressed it is not good. It does help to talked to someone that is why we are here. Feel free to say what you want here.

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi All,

There is nothing worse than getting out and about and still being lonely. I have sat in bars and pubs, have been to clubs, have been out and about and still endured hours where no-one has said anything to me. I've gone home feeling 10 times worse than if I'd not bothered. It's not necessarily a solution.

I'm still lonely now - not as much as before - but my recipe for survival is this: Enjoy what you can and try to ignore what you can't. Don't get stressed by it. If people don't talk to you - it's their loss, not yours. I haven't expressed it very well at all - sorry.

All the best

Em

[janedoe311]

Hi All,

There is nothing worse than getting out and about and still being lonely. I have sat in bars and pubs, have been to clubs, have been out and about and still endured hours where no-one has said anything to me. I've gone home feeling 10 times worse than if I'd not bothered. It's not necessarily a solution.

I'm still lonely now - not as much as before - but my recipe for survival is this: Enjoy what you can and try to ignore what you can't. Don't get stressed by it. If people don't talk to you - it's their loss, not yours. I haven't expressed it very well at all - sorry.

All the best

Em

If you noticed I said nothing about bars. You want to meet people with which you can talk to go to a place that you like, computer club, ham radio, rod and gun club, math club, even a crossdressers club! All you find in bars is drinkers, who have problems that is why they are drinking and not at home with their family or dating! I avoid drinkers they are trouble.

Also you have to start a conversation. If you just sit and expect someone to read your mind and come to you, then you might as well be home.

PS this place is a good start. Not face to face but helps. There are chat sites you can use to get a live conversation going.

[connie rotten]

Donna PM me I know the space you are in all too well. You need not be so alone.:happy:

[Stormgirl]

Alcohol and keeping myself occupied with various hobbies.Single life is way much better than having a S.O. around nagging you to death,etc. :thumbsdn:

[Jill]

I can relate, I get really lonely sometimes and I am 27. However, I don't feel that it's a direct result of my dressing but I believe that someday it will be and that's not really something that I am willing to accept. I believe that if I embrace my CDing and continue to do so to this degree for the rest of my life, I will be a very lonely man. And again, that's not something that I am ready or willing to live with. I guess that means that I have a choice to make. I believe that if I stick to my pile of sensual clothing, I'll be a very lonely man, I think that is one of the things that often comes with the territory.

[Jennaie]

I suppose I am kinda like Ericka Richards on this issue. I just made new friends. I found something that I enjoyed doing and went to a place that other people do it. I was able to pick and choose who I spent my time with and then decide whether or not I wanted to spend more time with them. I was very picky about who I chose as my friends.

I don't have time or tolerance for close-minded people. I was able to pick a few good friends who were open-minded and enjoyed doing what I do in my spare time on weekends. No, they don't ever see me dressed and they don't know I dress, but they do know how I feel about gays, lesbians and trangendered people, that is all I feel is nessasary for them to know and they can figure out the rest or ask me directly. They do know I have a fem side to me. I have often said things to test them and see how they accept me.

For me, all I need is a couple very good friends. Because I have extended myself to getting out and meeting people who have simular interest in a sport I enjoy, I almost have too many people inviting me to go places and I have to turn down some.

I suggest that you figure out something you enjoy doing and get envolved in a group that shares that interest. You will meet people who you like to spend time with. They may not be transgendered, but they will accept you and take away some of that loneliness. :hugs:

[DonnaTgyrl]

Than you everyone for the suggestions and support. Some made me cry. Some made me smile.

Big hugs to each one of you.

Donna

[Katiegirl]

I have lived alone now for 2 years and before 10 years looking after my parents which was equally lonely.

I too feel I would like to live as a woman full time but being practical I know that is not realistic so I have live 2 lives.

One in male mode - work, kids and going to a singles group

Second in female mode - Home and TG meetings.

Although this seems to work for me and helps with the loneliness, there are times when it is very difficult to live in male mode. This can trigger a deep depression which lasts for weeks. So far I have got through these bouts without medical help but I don't know for how long as they get worse every time.

I know how you feel DonnaTgyrl and no doubt there are many who feel the same way

:straightface:

[CarmenG]

Donna my dear.... HANG TOUGH, you know us Texans don't sway with wind, we Direct it ! Be who you want to be and reach out to the rest of us. we are here all living the life when we can, some more than others some wishing to trade places with others, all happening right here. who needs bars huh ? hey we almost live next door, maybe we'll run into each other one day.
HANG TOUGH BABY !!!!!:hugs:

[Sandygal]

Has anybody tried any of the dating services. I've noticed that a few of our GG 's wanted to date xdressers. I heard that if you list everything about yourself and are completely honest. The person your looking for can be just a mouse click away. Has anybody tried this yet? Matchmakers.com or something like that. There is supposed to be somebody for everybody. Just watch the couples that walk by in the malls.
Good luck
Sandy

[CobraJett]

Although I am not the best for giving advice...I'd start off trying to find at least one good friend common interests...or I know this sounds lame...maybe a pet? No matter what, a dog will love you unconditionally...in fact, they are much more loyal than people anymore...sad but true. Don't get me wrong dear, but at this point baby-steps are probably the best bet...besides...we all feel the same way as you and I think I can speak for everyone that we're all here for ya !:hugs:


CJ:love:

[gennee]

Being in a state of limbo between male (body) and female (mind) has brought me much loneliness. Born with a male body and raised as a male, society set expectations for me as a male. I did the "male" things because that is what was expected of me. Service, marriage, relationships. Yet the "expectations" for a male were beyond my reach as my mind wanted to engage in those activites as a female. So I had to do the best I could which never turned out to be good enough.

As Donna I find a peace and serenity that is comforting. Yet my past experiences have all been in "male" mode and that weighs heavily on how I am as a female. As many have said on here, we never got the chance to experience growing up as a female, the dating, the proms, the sleepovers, the things that girls enjoyed and that molded them into women.

Through my 50+ years, there have been short periods of time that Donna has been able to enjoy herself. Yet it has always been back to "male" mode for the job, to survive financially. Society appears to not be ready for us in the workplace.

Because of my loneliness, I crave a relationship, someone to love me. The problem I find is that when I attract a female in male mode, I know there is going to be a point where she is going to have to know about Donna. In my age group, those women are looking for the male to fullfill their needs. Shattering that expectation has proven in the past to shatter the relationship.

As I sit here in tears trying to write this, how do you deal with the loneliness?

I can't say that am lonely. I have always been a loner so it's not something that troubles me. I like my friends on this forum and with my support group. A few people have seen me dressed. I enjoy being a male and a female. When I dress as 'Gennee', I feel liberated and complete. It may be my way of snubbing my nose at society's expectations.

I pray that you will find some one Donna. Meanwhile, enjoy our friendship on the forum.

Gennee

[MarinaTwelve200]

I dont get lonley, In fact I prefer to be alone most of the time.

[lostmyhubby GG]

as George says"I drink alone"

[melissacd]

Donna,

I feel your pain. We walk a very lonely road sometimes. I am with an SO who is exactly as you say, unable to accept that a man can be more than a man. It is having a very negative impact on our relationship and while I am living in a house filled with people I feel very alone.

I am currently reading a book called "If the Buddha got stuck" by Charlotte Kasl and while no book is a silver bullet that will fix all our problems, she provides some very sage advice that may be of help to you.

To cross the chasm of loneliness you must reach deep inside and determine who you really are and how you want to carry yourself in this world. You must determine your intent and then make small steps to realize that intent. Small successes in moving in a positive direction will build confidence and also give you feedback as to whether the steps are in the right direction. Keep making adjustments until you can see yourself starting to rise up out of the hole. Get out and do things, meet people, find things that you do love and find people to love.

There are over six billion people in this world and within that very large group I am sure that you will be able to find people that resonate with you, fill you with joy, accept you for who you are, support you as you move forward and in return you can do the same for them. You will gain joy by giving joy.

You have a gift within you that needs to come forth.

Huggs
Melissa

[Jennaie]

I can't say that am lonely. I have always been a loner so it's not something that troubles me. I like my friends on this forum and with my support group. A few people have seen me dressed. I enjoy being a male and a female. When I dress as 'Gennee', I feel liberated and complete. It may be my way of snubbing my nose at society's expectations.

I pray that you will find some one Donna. Meanwhile, enjoy our friendship on the forum.

Gennee

Gennee:

I'm 50 years old and wear bi-focals. I can't read your post. font size=2? For goodness sakes dear.

I'm just glad you don't make road signs. :happy:

[Scotty]

I write code - Windows programs.....

Helps, my cat helps too.....and music - do NOT let go of music..

Speaking of, time to put some music on. :)

[ReginaK]

I've always surrounded myself with things I enjoyed: Music, computers, video games, cars. Anything I can get deeply involved in and pretty much forget the rest of the world.

[Michelle Ellis]

oh wow... that's a hard question. I basicly don't deal with lonlieness well at all, so you definitely have some company there. I'm also going thru some pretty tuff times in my life which led me here to these forums.

I can't say I've found an answer for lonlieness by any means, but I do feel a little better.

[Zelda Noe]

Hi Donna:

I sense your need of friendship and feel for you.

I am a married, but separated man. Going on four years now. I do understand lonliness and depression well. Sometimes the only way I can handle it is to reach out to others, seek to comfort others in their own lonliness, or keep myself busy with other activities, or exercise my faith in God through prayer. Oftentimes I will simply go to a eatery to be among other people, to help cope with lonliness. I wish I were not in my present situation, I hurt at times, desiring a wife that would totally accept me. I love my wife, but question now if we will truly ever get back together under the same roof. The longer I am away from living with her in the same house, the more I detatch myself from wanting to move back in. I hate the divorce word, because I feel to do so would be a huge failure on my part, but I honestly am very unhappy living the "existence" I live in. Life is more than just going to work everyday and coming home to being alone. So...again...I do understand your need to a point.

This forum has been a place to make friends, and has been a help in lots of ways, although I feel some here are antagonistic towards my faith. That too, at times, adds to the lonliness.

Please...private message me Donna, if you need an online friend. Promise, I will be nice person and a listening ear if you need it.

Hugs, Dandy

[Trisha]

i think we have all been alone at some point in our lives i have been there its not a funny place to be its a sad place and as someone here said thay have been out to a bar or somewhere and no one talks to you you try to talk to them first but then thay seem to walk away as if you are mad or you want something from them others think you want to fight them its a problem we have sometimes in our lifes i can think of times i read the papers and read about how old people die and no one knows for weeks on end just because thay are all alone some people cant live any moor and end it for them selfs i find it hard to wright this as i have got to know people in the passed that did not make it things i have tryed to forget the image of people that i have seen some after thay have ended it please try to help people all on there own please :sad: