Mixed Messages?

[MiaPink]

I recently went out to a lesbian bar nearby where I live while en femme. There was an unusually friendly group of girls there (I've been before.) As I sat down next to one of the girls at the bar, I began speaking with her. She is in the process of a full transition, so what wisdom she spoke I held in high regard.

She then proceeded to comment on my outfit (which was a black turtle neck, plaid pleated mini and heels.) She said I needed to be more careful with my wardrobe choice, and that I was sending a signal by wearing this outfit. A signal that I was into the "school girl fantasy." She also commented that by coming in alone, I also sent a message that I was "looking."

Now I have been to this bar a handful of times alone (I can't seem to find a "girlfriend" with whom I can associate with, or am the same age range to go out with.) When I got dressed that evening, it was never my intention to send any messages (other than I feel like one sexy chick in this outfit.)

Her words bothered me. I understand fully that I need to be more cautious when en femme and take as many necessary precautions when out. I dress to please myself, and noone else (ok so I am selfish, but which one of us isn't?)

I felt like a tird in a punchbowl after that, and felt equally as popular. I so wanted to run out and go straight home.

What do you girls thinnk about this? Be brutally honest.

[DonnaT]

I agree with Jenny. No need to feel bad about what you wear just because someone else has a problem with it. You are dressing for yourself. You love the outfit, so keep enjoying it.

And so what if you're sending mixed signals. It's not your intention to be sending signals. If someone aproaches with a comment or come-on, tell them: Thanks but no thanks. Not into it, thanks. I just love this outfit, it's my best.

Point out that the outfit is a common sales item in any retail store, and not a fetish outfit from a fetish store.

I'd continue to wear it, and hope it attracted someone whose company I could enjoy.

[Jen_TGCD]

Hello, Mia ~
Nice to have you here and your post was very interesting.

I don't know all the details but from what you have said, I feel that the other girl was just being honest and open with you. It didn't seem like she was trying to make you feel uncomfortable... just trying to make you aware of some of the hard facts of being out.

Transexuals have a much different view on life as a woman than occasional dressers. Their priorities are on "female", as opposed to "feminine". I think she may have been trying to make you more aware of how you present yourself to others, whatever your intentions were.

I have seen office girls wearing similar outfits to what you were wearing but in a bar, it can lead others to come to conclusions that place you in a "fetish" group. Generally, bars are where people come to socialize and meet other people... so your visual image is the first thing that others will notice. Some very nice people may not be as friendly or open with you if they think you are advertising a certain "lifestyle". The lady you were taking to may have been trying to tell you that a more casual look would probably have a better effect in trying to meet other girls.

If you went into a bar and saw an attractive young lady come in by herself... what would you think? CDs usually are not able to always have someone to go with, when they are out, so that is a problem. Two suggestions would be to "dress down" and blend in as much as possible and, at least, try to make friends with the bar tender. That will give you some credibility to the others there. Go in earlier, when it is quiet, and introduce yourself.

Just one more suggestion... bars are lousy places to try to meet like minded girls. I always try to promote finding a TG Support Group in your area. You don't have to go to all the meetings but you will meet many nice women that you may be able to relate to.

Take care... and good luck!

[MiaPink]

Jen, I know she was being helpful. I guess the way in which she was looking at me and talking to me in a condescending manner is what really got to me. I don't think I made that clear in my previous post.

Looking around the bar at the other girls, the length of my skirt wasn't an issue (they're all pretty short) I have worn this outfit out on two occasions, normally I am rather subdued.

I don't really go to the bar to make friends, although I have met some nice people there. I am in good with the barmaid (she frequently comments on what a "nice lady" I am.) I also know the valet and a security guy well enough to depend on them in case of an emergency.

At this point in my life, it is just a "safer" spot to go - I am not mentally ready for any crossed-eyed looks from a patron at a "normal" restaurant. I know that the Tri-Ess meetings are a better place for me to go, but I haven't gotten up the courage to attend something so "formal" (or informal as it may be.)

I can understand your point though. I think it may be something that I have to work on; that is that everyone doesn't think like me even though we both may have similar anatomy and a feminine wardrobe. ;)

[Jen_TGCD]

Jen, I know she was being helpful. I guess the way in which she was looking at me and talking to me in a condescending manner is what really got to me. I don't think I made that clear in my previous post.

;)
Oh, dear girl... I know that look! :p

Just have a little patience with them, those wonderful TS ladies. They have been through so much that we, as CDs, cannot even imagine. And, like I said, their priorities are much different than what we imagine for ourselves.

You have taken some big steps in going out... so enjoy it! Have fun!!! http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/icons/icon14.gif

[Jen_TGCD]

I agree with the "make friends with the bartender". That's a habit I've developed over the years of living on the road. I am always going into new places alone, drab at the moment, but this does help. I always get on the friendly side of the barkeep and bouncers if they have them.

It really helps out not only in fitting in, but introductions are not uncommon. Also, if there is any trouble, they'll be much more likely to help you out instead of throw you out. Assuming you didn't start the trouble. :)
Jenny ~
Good point! :) Always good to have the bouncers on your side!!! :D

[softandsmooth]

Tsk Tsk Jenny :) Spending a leeetttllle too much time in da' bar, eh?

Teasin' only :p

Charlotte