Tired of the pronouns

[Natasha Anne]

As I progress with RLT, things have changed quite a bit in my attitude to the way people I know treat me. I used to be very forgiving of people messing up my name and pronouns. I'm 7 months into RLT now and it bothers me that they are still messing things up, especially when I'm in a crowd of people that barely know me.

I'm passing very well now, except over the phone, and as such it's an annoyance to be called my old name or his and he in discussion with others. I guess as I pass better and better I just don't need those that have known me for ages adding to the burdens I face.

There I can be getting along nicely in a crowd, and all of a sudden someone starts referring to me as he or his. People need to learn to be sensitive. I always greet it with humour, but it can be hurtful and embarrassing at times.

Yesterday there was a slip-up in a lift/elevator at work that got to me terribly despite it not being malicious and from one of my best friends.
I'm starting to understand why so many like me run away to a new life filled with strangers and a hidden past. It's much harder to do it and retain a career and relationships. I think people are inconsiderate. It sometimes devastates me to suddenly be thrust into the limelight in this way, when all I am trying to do is get on with my life. There are days I feel very ugly, more often than not because all I see is a man in the mirror, and it always seems to be those days the faux pas present themselves.

How do you all get others to at least pause before letting the words flow out of their mouths without thought? I feel it's been long enough and the faux pas should stop now.

[Maria D]

Well, I feel ugly anyway so there's no weapon there for people to hurt me with. If it's not said with malice, it doesn't bother me at all, but if the person should know better, it annoys me. I received a letter last week from the NHS about a mole, addressed to Mr. Maria Anne D. My fiancee phoned them and asked if they were morons, and the person said 'well, it's not like he's changed gender is it?' Seems that because I'm private and not NHS, it just isn't happening to them. Still, they changed it and it's correct now, and I wouldn't have minded a simple mistake, but to be told what I am and aren't doing was annoying.
Slip ups from friends haven't happened in ages to be honest, but my family still forgets sometimes. I just say 'he?' and they correct themselves. I don't mind that, it's hard to unwind 28 years of habit. In fact, I'm probably the worst at it, and still use my male name or signature sometimes. Kinda bad since my cards and driver's license are all changed ;)
Oh, and limelight I can handle, I'm a Leo hehe :)

[Joy Carter]

Life is Full of Bumps in the Road you Can't get Upset Over Them all Hun.:thumbsup: I just don't understand why everyone should have prior knowledge of what someone is sensitive about. Just being civil should be plenty.
0.02

[Michelle Ellis]

Well, I don't think I'm in any kind of position to advise you, you're out there doing something I've only done in my fantasys (good for you btw!)

But maybe instead of meeting it with humor, next time just very simply and politely tell the person how they have made you feel. Perhaps if they know how hurtful it can be they will try harder.

[Priss]

There I can be getting along nicely in a crowd, and all of a sudden someone starts referring to me as he or his. People need to learn to be sensitive. I always greet it with humour, but it can be hurtful and embarrassing at times.

Yesterday there was a slip-up in a lift/elevator at work that got to me terribly despite it not being malicious and from one of my best friends.
I'm starting to understand why so many like me run away to a new life filled with strangers and a hidden past. It's much harder to do it and retain a career and relationships. I think people are inconsiderate. It sometimes devastates me to suddenly be thrust into the limelight in this way, when all I am trying to do is get on with my life. There are days I feel very ugly, more often than not because all I see is a man in the mirror, and it always seems to be those days the faux pas present themselves.

How do you all get others to at least pause before letting the words flow out of their mouths without thought? I feel it's been long enough and the faux pas should stop now.

Well, I did the transition 16yrs ago now. I have not found a way to make people be considerate, and I do not believe anyone will be forced to. The only thing that helps is like you said, to get away and start fresh. With people I've called friends, some time apart has helped the situation. It let them get a better grip on the reality of it, and those that were willing came back later on. With family, well... they will do what they will do.

I get read every now and then. We all do, whether we admit to it or not. There is no one who passes so perfectly that someone will not read them today, due to the growing numbers of us being common knowledge. Heck, even GGs sometimes get pegged as a TS... Look at Ann Coulter. Lefties are having quite a time over the adams apple thing and saying "that's a man baby...". The only thing that is going to make this all better and easier on us is time and knowledge.

Until society learns to accept us as the women that we are, there's not much we can do. All I can recommend is to find a way to just let it blow past you. Do not get angry over it and let it take you. I know it hurts. I know how the single little slip by someone can ruin your entire day... But, you have to find a way to get past it. Even if it is done in malice, don't let them win by allowing them to have that kind of power over you. For, it won't be just that once... It will happen again, and again... We just can't live our lives that way, in constant fear and pain.

[~Dee~]

funny you should mention this.
im sorry that you are having such a hard time with this.
ive been having it a bit lately. at first i let it go and just kind of gave people a look .. but they were new to it .. but now that im getting a fair way in, i think its time that people start to really try harder to curb their way of reference.

afterall .. ive had to change my way of referring to myself .. i had referred to myself as male for 27 years .. and ive managed to now get a hold of it. so i expect my close friends who see me often to also get with the program.
but .. as much as it does kinda get under my skin when i hear them slip, i do understand and i dont get nasty .. i just tend to make a private comment and move on.

the other day one of my friends addressed the room and said "ladies and gentlemen" but then looked at me and kinda started to stammer .. (hes not very good with those sort of confrontational type of situations) ... so i helped him along with arms raised, saying "and those in between!"
it was a laugh for my friends and he got to unblock his brain and im sure he took note of it for the next time.
its the same as when he refers to me in my normal name rather than my nickname he starts stammering again and i just help him along with it.
but it does show that they are all trying hard to use proper terms and pronouns.
for that im very grateful.

but then on friday i had my teacher from school write me out a document that i could show to the pshrink to show that ive told the school about my plans ... and so he slowly sat there and two-finger typed out a document that said that "he has been nothing but polite and considerate when dealing with the staff on this issue" and other such comments.
the 'he' kinda bugged me .. but i know that this teacher has never had to deal with a ts is his class before .. and i really appreciated the effort he went to to take his time and write out that letter for me, so i wasnt about to even start to correct him.
in time i know that he will start to understand more and come to use the correct terms.

i understand when people slip up.. and though it does kinda get to me inside .. i know that for the people in my life, its not out of malice.. its out of fimiliarity and not understanding.
they will learn in time, and hopefully the people around you will also learn too ..
if not .. kick them in the shins each time they slip up .. im sure that they will learn quickly then. :D

[CaptLex]

i understand when people slip up.. and though it does kinda get to me inside .. i know that for the people in my life, its not out of malice.. its out of fimiliarity and not understanding. they will learn in time, and hopefully the people around you will also learn too .. if not .. kick them in the shins each time they slip up .. im sure that they will learn quickly then. :D
It takes time. As one of my friends says: everyone needs to go through their process. But it's frustrating, I know. Another friend told me that every time one of his friends, roommates or relatives slips up, they have to buy him a drink or something. I don't mean to make a joke of it, but it shows that we need patience to deal with it. As long as people are trying, I don't take it too badly. I don't think the solution is for me to run off somewhere where nobody knows me, but I can't say I haven't been tempted.

Just last week my boss was talking about another co-worker and he said, "she's a nice lady" (to which I agreed). Then I guess he must have thought I was feeling left out so he said, "and so are you." To which I answered, "yeah, but I'm not a lady." He blushed and stammered for a second until I reassured him that I was just playing with him and that I understood what he meant to say. By the end of the day he told me, "I think you're a great guy." That made my day.

So, there is hope, but, yeah, it's frustrating. My frustration doesn't come from my friends and loved ones, really, but from service people who are trying to be polite and always call me "ma'am" or "miss". Sometimes I really think I should correct them, but then I figure it's a waste of time since I'll probably never see these people again. But it burns me.

[Natasha Anne]

It was fine when it was new, now it is not OK. I don't really mind people who rarely see me messing it up, but those I see nearly every day of my life need to be a bit more considerate.

I don't like being outed in public because on of my so called friends made a mistake.

As I get more "passable" in society my feelings on this get stronger.

Today I went to gym with no make-up on and just my hair tied back. After that I went shopping as was called ma'am all the time It was surreal. There I was as plain as I could be, with no disguise and after a tough workout and noone thought twice about my gender. If I'd had a friend who called me he or his in that situation it would have destroyed what was a wonderful experience for me. And just in case you wondered why I went shopping... the gym is attached to a mall.

People that are your friends need to pause for thought themselves.

[Kimberley]

Perhaps I am overly sensitive (I've been accused) but I have always found people to be ignorant and inconsiderate, moreso in recent decades.

I think that over the years if has become far more commonplace to express an unpopular or unwanted opinion despite the company and feelings of others. All too often people say things that have nothing to do with them and even friends have a tendancy to blurt out "the truth" for no reason.

I have to remind myself that it is a sign of the times, and it is perpetuated by the media (television in particular, in the form of so-called humour.) I do not find anything funny that is at the expense of the feelings of another human being.

Keep smiling Natasha, you are beautiful from the inside out. The rest be damned, you have your integrity and that is a lot more than many can say.

Just my 0.02 worth.

Kimberley.

[AngelAshley]

I find my friends are actually quite good at it out of everyone. Even when I'm making no effort to look like a girl (baggy t-shirt, no make-up or breast forms, no effort to femminize my voice) they still refer to me as she.

My family on the other hand are really bad at it. My brother is the worst, he makes almost no effort whatsoever to even use my new name. I know deep down he's uncomfortable with the whole situation but he's just going to have to learn to accept it. My parents are a bit better but I do have to correct them every now and then.

The other day I got stopped in the street by someone wanting to send me a clothes catalogue. I gave her all my details, but when the catalogue arrived, it was adressed to 'Mr'! How insulting!!

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Natasha,

Not voting (no appropriate option) but I will comment.

Unless you have a way to inform each and every person as to your preferred gender, people will gender you as they see fit. It's not a lack of consideration, it's simply that people put the pieces together differently and unless there is such a preponderance of identifiers that the chance for a 'misread' is unlikely, you have little control over the process.

I like to straddle the line, as it were, I have seen the process in action from up close. I have been read both as a man and as a woman by the same people on different occasions. I have had salespeople do the "err... ma'am... uh... sir... Ummm... I mean ma'am..." thing more than a few times. Of course, this is my goal - to challenge the established norms. I suspect that your's is simply to be a woman and get on with things.

I can understand your frustration but one thing to keep in mind is that for people who have known you, there is a process of 'unlearning' the old you and subsequently learning the new you. Unless you can detect some malice or disrespect from these people, I think you should - as best as you can - try and forgive the mistakes. You can either not respond when improperly addressed (not a bad strategy: you wouldn't respond if addressed by some other name) or, politely correct them as to how you wish to be addressed. They'll get there - you just need to be patient.

As for being outed, I think that Priss is right: you will get clocked daily - whether you know it or not. That you did the gym and shopping bit sans make-up and whatnot is a testament to your passability. You know you pass: if a 'friend' makes a mistake and outs you in this type of situation, so what? It is what you make of it. If you allow it to be a big deal, it will be - both for you and those around you. To simply turn to your friend as say "Pardon?" defuses it and makes it a non-issue. Chances are that most people around won't have even noticed.

I won't pretend to know how hard it is for you, but I can sympathise with regards to being 'gendered' by others differently than I prefer. I present as, well, me at work but I am addressed as 'he', 'sir', etc. While I'd prefer to be addressed by feminine pronouns (feels 'more right' than masculine pronouns and I don't like the gender neutral ones , it's not worth the bother. I've not changed my name at all and the juxtaposition of pronouns to my male name would be just to odd and makes it that much more 'in their faces'. Then there would be the unavoidable explanations, etc. Not unlike you, I simply want to be able to do my thing with as little friction as possible - which I am doing.

As long as people treat me respectfully - which they do - the pronouns... they're just words. They are not who I am.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[pattyme]

For what it's worth, try walking around and reading other people. How many misses do you think you will make and how many times will you be right. What someone thinks they know and what they realy know is very different. I get read all the time and love smiling back when it happens - it throws them off to no end and that is just what I want - confusion.

Another tip, how do most girls handle situations they don't like - they don't respond. That's the way to respond when someone makes a pronoun error. They learn quick enough that if they wan't your attention they should address you properly.

Patty
________________________

When in Rome do as the Romans do.

[LucyP]

I am now 5 months into RLE and from day-1 many found it reasonably easy to start calling me by my new femme name. BUT of these same people still refer to me as 'he', it puzzles me that they don't feel a contradiction between referring to 'Lucy' as a 'he'. Basically so long as they didn't call me by defunct male name I haven't been so bad about it, but after 5 months I am finding the use of 'he' downright irritiating at best, depressing at worse, yet I don't like to confront them over it and suggest I might perhaps be a 'she', after all, they may want to, but perhaps find it a bit difficult from knowing me so long, so I don't really know when would be a fair time to start urging them. One good thing, though. contract builders coming into the store started out by giving me rather amused looks, one even laughed hysterically - now I am getting 'Hiya Luc'' from at least a few, that can't be a bad thing
I voted for Grin and bear it, all the while seething underneath, which I think describes it perfectly