Do we know who we are?

[Ms. Donna]

There seems to be an outbreak going on: crossdressers from all over are suddenly becoming transsexual. What could be the cause? Sunspots? Terrorist plotting? Internet gender tests?

Whatever it is, it does seem to be happening. Are people feeling 'pressured' to identify as transsexual? Is it fantasy run rampant? Mass hysteria? Mass hypnosis?

All kidding aside, there does seems to be a trend: people are thinking they are becoming transsexual. However, IMHO, one does not become transsexual - it is not something one decides to be. It seems to me that in many cases, one comes to this conclusion for many of the wrong reasons.

Quite often, one will come to this conclusion after someone - a shrink / doctor / friend / SO / etc - 'suggests' to them that maybe they are. So used to being told what one is or should be, this is simply accepted as fact. Another culprit is Jennifer's COGITI: the TS test on the net. While it shouldn't be construed as a diagnosis - and I believe she even says that on her site, people take it and accept the results as 'proof' that they are transsexual. It isn't hard to see why this happens. We all want validation and this offers it: albeit in a pseudo-scientific way.

Becoming a transsexual makes sense: it absolves one of figuring this all out for oneself. It offers as easy explanation for so much of this - the questioning, the conflicted feelings... it just seems to wrap it all up nice and neat-like. It also has another benefit: being transsexual is it's own type of normalcy: allowing one to 'fit in'. Transsexuals do have some acceptance in society where crossdressers do not. One is no longer 'just a crossdresser': one now has a 'condition' and the crossdressing... nothing more than a symptom thereof.

It also plays into the whole full-time girl fantasy so many crossdressers have. As a 'crossdresser', the chances of being able to live 'full time' are slim, but as a transsexual, one is almost obligated to do so. Many crossdressers, in coming to terms with themselves, have a phase where the desire to 'be a girl' is so overwhelming that it seems only logical that one is becoming a transsexual.

Yes, it seems to make a lot of sense that one 'becomes' a transsexual.


Then, there are those who, after much agonizing, soul-searching and introspection finally piece together the somewhat disjointed feelings and experiences of their life and come to a realization: "I've always been transsexual." Not all transsexuals know they're 'girls' (or 'boys') from a young age. They know that there is something different, but can never quite pin it down: they lack the experience and the lexicon to process it all. It takes time - often a long time - for all the feelings and experiences to coalesce in such a way that one can recognize and accept this about themselves. They do not 'become' transsexual, they accept that they are transsexual.

This was my case: I 'knew' that there was something different about me - as well as one can for a pre-teen. When I hit puberty, there was no question about it and like most of us here, I 'addressed' these feelings through crossdressing. I wasn't able to articulate what it was that I felt or even put it into context; I simply felt different - out of phase with those around me - and crossdressing made me feel better.

What followed was a twenty year battle to be normal: i.e. a 'regular guy'. For a long while, it seemed as though I had achieved my goal - I identified as a 'regular guy' but with a few kinks. I had rationalized all the feelings and 'non-conforming' actions as the kinky part and went about under the illusion of normalcy. It was great - until it all caved in on me.

Upon acknowledging my feelings, I was sure that I was really a woman - that transitioning and GRS were the only thing that could make me 'right'. Upon understanding the feelings, I rethought this position but fully recognised and acknowledged the feelings and such for what they are.

Personally, I choose to not label myself as 'Transsexual' (see my posts here (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=456338#post456338) and here (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=456543#post456543) for why) but realize that in many ways, that is what I am. Not something I became, it's what I've always been: it just took half of my lifetime to sort it out.


So, this is my take on the epidemic. Any other thoughts?


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[KateW]

I think that any inclination to crossdress can cause a lot of confusion. Everyone has a lot of questions, but there are very few real answers available. I think this could be why people adopt certain labels, so that they can identify themselves.

While I grew up wishing I was born female, I am not attracted to men, so physically it makes more sense to remain male. Emotionally I still identify as a women - so does this make me a transexual, crossdresser, transvestite? To me it doesn't really matter what I am - as I am simply happy being me.

It is all a bit bloody confusing though, isn't it!

[elizabeth nicole]

Ms Donna i know what you mean,i have never said on here what i am ,I have know for almost ten years now.I am transsexual but can not transition nor do i have an overriding urge to do it.My children and grandchildren dont need to be put through the heart aches.i have lived like this now for 55 years and at my age i can look back and forward with pride and know that i am who i am .i dont have to transition to be complete,in my heart and in my mind i know who i am and i am at peace with it.I was told by my parish priest when i talked to him about it and he said God does not make junk or mistakes he made you the way he wants you to be .Guess what that was the way i like me now.As long as i know who and what i am and can live with me then i am there already. I agree with you though there are to many that get in the candy store and suddenly they want it all.I have a close friend going through it now and when i see how hard she is having it then i know in my heart that i have made the right choice for myself.

[Wombat]

The best cure for the incipient TS is to live full time (or as close to it as you can) for a week. Yep, find yourself a quiet holiday cottage somewhere and do it for a week. You'll find that somewhere along the way, reality starts to wash away the delusions. Then you reach the point where you have to dress blokey for some reason, and when you get home, you find it's too hard to change back to girlie. Or you just don't feel like making the effort. Or ...

And worse still is the realisation that you don't want to wear a dress, you want to wear your bloke's clobber - that's freaky the first time it happens, I felt like a FTM crossdresser for a moment there. Now I just accept and drag on whatever feels appropriate.

I can manage full time for about four days. By day seven, I'm sick of the whole business, but by day eight, I'm wishing I could do it all again. I ain't TS it appears (thank goodness - not picking on the TSs among us, but it's a hell of a hard road to have to travel).

Unless you have unfettered freedom to dress either as much as you like or very close to it, you really have no idea of how you relate to all this. When the ability to dress is removed (for whatever reason), you soon start to feel the urges and the pressure starts to mount. The trick is to reach the point where, when you have the opportunity to dress, you are quite comfortable with your decision no matter what it is.

I'm sure we've all been through those inner battles where you've been hanging out for the opportunity, then when it comes, don't take it because, for some reason, you don't want to. Ahh, we're a weird, mixed up lot aren't we. Just like the non-tg community, it's just that people feel free to point at our 'weirdness' (not fair really, why shouldn't I be able to gawp at people who buy Japanese sports cars instead of an MG?).

It's not the act of cross dressing that sooths us or what we need, it's the ability to be able to wear what we want and the personal understanding to go with your feelings that is important.

Donna, I reckon your epidemic is just a function of too many people on here saying they want to be TS, thus drawing in others who identify with those people, and not enough of them having the opportunity to test it out (I mean, how easy is it for most people to have a week to themselves where they can dress full time?).

Personally, I accept the oft quoted line that true transexualism is extremely rare. There are many who drift towards it, or may even believe it, but who aren't TS - hell, I've been there myself. This is why you should never make permanent changes to your body until you are well into a genuine and very difficult transition program. Only do stuff you can reverse (like growing back all that fur or letting your pierced ears grow over). From conversations I've had with transexuals, there are many who go into transition and regret it, many who have operations and wind up being more miserable than before ... or just as miserable. This is sad for them, but it's also sad for the true TS struggling to cure a mistake of birth because it necessarily makes the path harder than it might otherwise need to be.

Forget the labels. Learn to ignore the opinions of others. Search for understanding of yourself and the very subtle forces that drive your dreams and behaviours. :love:

Wombat

[rosiegurl]

I think the sudden appearence of all these people wanting to be TG's ain't anything new, more just them feeling comfertable enough now to admit it. as closed minded as people still are about tg's, even as little as 5 years ago, it was much worse. every year it gets a tiny bit easier, not a lot, just a tiny bit as the public at large gets more and more comfertable with the idea, and more and more of those people who hid, and denied what they were will come out of the closet

[GypsyKaren]

I agree that trying a go at full time would be an awakening for many, but instead of hiding away somewhere, they should do it in the real world. Get yourself dressed and go to the grocery store on a Friday afternoon, then in the evening go to the mall when it's full of teenage girls. To me, that's a real good way to see what you're made of. I know it sounds drastic and such, but if you don't have the guts to let the world see you as yourself, how can you truly see yourself?

I hear so many say "I think I'm transsexual". I know all of this business is confusing, but to me it's like saying "I think I'm right handed". I think for many they get caught up in it all, it becomes a fantasy. I'm not saying this to knock anybody, I do see where it would be an easy thing to fall into, but that's my opinion.

I truly wish people would just ignore those damn internet tests, they're really a bunch of malarky. "If your neighbor down the street has Motorhead cranking on his stereo, and you have trouble telling which direction it's coming from, you're a transsexual." I mean really...I'm half deaf from 33 years in a steel mill and I can't hear a conversation 10 feet away, does that make me something? Forget the tests!

Like Wombat said, forget the labels and accept yourself for who and what you are, a person. If you're really TS, you'll have a pretty good clue about it, all confusion aside. If you're CD be happy with that, there's nothing wrong there, and it's a lot easier road to go down than the one for transsexualism.

Karen

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I think all the reasons you've mentioned make sense.

A couple thoughts about other reasons...

A friend of mine is reading "Blink" and apparently Gladwell talks about how high-profile events can change people's thinking -- they can literally now imagine X. For example, there were a rash of suicides in the 1700s after Goethe's novel "The Sorrows of Young Werther" in which the hero kills himself, or the spate of Columbine imitators.

So while GRS isn't new -- although publicity about people like Christine Jorgenson did cause a number of people in the 1950s and 1960s, to suddenly recognize their discomfor as "being TS" -- I think forums like this one are creating an equivalent tipping point for people being able to imagine themselves as TS. Whether that's finally putting a name to the discomfort they feel or whether it's imagining is another question.

The other factor is very little of the sites and online discussion about "gender dysphoria distinguish between what I think are three important dimensions:
- sex identity - whether you feel your body should be male or female
- gender self-identity - whether you feel you've got a "masculine" and/or "feminine" personality
- gender social identity/gender roles - how you want to interact with society.

So someone who feels deeply uncomfortable about one or both of the latter two might conclude that they're TS and should surgically transition. IIRC, Kate Borstein has talked about how she decided that since she was extremely unhappy as a man, she must be a woman -- only to realize later that wasn't necessarily the case (she now identifies herself as being somewhere between or beyond genders).

And of course there's also the tranny hierarchy, which in some people's view has TSs at the top (with post-ops being more "real" than pre-op, who are more "real" than those who haven't started hormones, etc.) and then those who are "just" crossdressers somewhere below. And corollary, is the who "who's suffering more" issue. (And to some I suspect it's lot nicer to think of oneself as a nobly-suffering TS than a "pervert.") BTW, I think some TSs can think CDs have it easy because we're not sliding down the slippery slope to transition. But while I may be riding a kiddie rollercoaster by comparision, it's a ride I'll riding for the rest of my life. Being in between genders ain't always fun either.

So I think people can feel pressured. Sometimes it's very overt. I met one TS who the first thing she said to me was that she knew a good surgeon when I when ready. (It turns out she'd been in denial and wished she'd transitioned years earlier, so it was her "mission" now to help others past their "denial" -- seemingly regardless of whether they were in denial or not.)

Sometimes it's more unthinking pressure -- stuff like one TS saying "you'll never really know that you're not TS." When she really meant that she'd been in denial for years and considered herself "just a CD" until she realized it was "GRS or suicide" for her. But that's a bit different that saying everyone else just will never know -- as a CD it's a Catch-22: I can never prove that I'm not in denial about transitioning. BTW, to her credit, she recognized that point when I raised it with her. Other stuff unthinking pressure can be stuff like, "you could totally pass" (when there's an implication that one could (should) live full-time.

And a final bit of unconscious pressure is that lack of public role models and stories about us non-transitioners. Likewise, a number of the organizations that say that they represent "transgenders" really focus on TSs. Pretty much the only image of the greater trans community is about those who transition and there's almost nothing about crossdressers, dually-gendered, genderqueers, etc.

Of course a big part of the problem is that us non-transitioners aren't public -- about the only public CDs we've got at Eddie Izzard and Ed Wood -- nor do we participate in these organizations -- so just like any other organization the agenda ends up being set by those who do get involved.

An aquaintance of mine, Andrea, who's a linguist, has written about these sorts of issues (http://www.panix.com/~grvsmth/personal/tv-prescriptive.html). I think she make some excellent points, although personally, I think her essay is a bit inflammatory in some of its language. (Which admittedly is a bit ironic given some her complaints about the use of language, but I can understand her sheer frustration about feeling marginalized by those who ought to know better.)

BTW, I don't mean to set off a CD vs. TG. vs. TS war. I judge people by their actions, not where they fall on the spectrum and I've got a number of TS friends who don't see me as "just" a CD but as an equal. And many of the dynamics I've mentioned are far more the result of people being oblivous than evil intent.

[Sarah Smile]

I can only speak for myself, but from early on, I crossdressed. That was an observable behavior. I didn't know why I did it. Later on (i.e. fast forward to 20 years later), I realized I was transgender and will probably transition. Alot of the characteristics I now have were there earlier, too, but with alot of others, it's hard to say. They may have been there and I wasn't aware of them. I had no concept of the idea of being transgendered, so I would not have been able to even to ask myself the proper question to find out.

Did something change in between? Was I always this way, but only realized it later? I don't know. I will probably never know.

I was what I was and I am what I am.

:)

[Scotty]

I think with the internet and self-gained confidence a lot of people are feeling more comfortable, gay rights and all that stuff out there.

Myself I am somewhat TS as I am growing breasts and have hips and round curvy thighs now - it's what I want - but I don't want to give up my hardware or my life as it is. I've come to realize I'll never be a woman but I can still have a womans body. I have a female friend that enjoys it from time to time, in every aspect.

I too am becoming more comfortable although I haven't gone "Out" yet.

I may go to a meeting or something this winter over in Seattle though, when things slow down.....:)

[Jennaie]

I agree with you on this Donna. Just because a test, or several test in my case, indicate that my gender identity is female, this does not mean that I have to run out and change my physical body to match my gender identity.

As you have stated, my sexual orientation also is towards female. I will admit that I have female traits sexually, but I still am attracted to females much more than males. I think it is natural for me to have some attraction to males considering my gender identity is female.

At 50 years of age, I have no intentions of GRS or any other type of surgery that would make me appear more female.

In previous post you said you did not consider yourself female, I also do not consider myself female, nor do I believe that surgery would make me female, other than on the outside.

I wish I had been born female, I wish this more than I have words to describe. I was not born female. I will never be female. I will however try to be happy with who I am, which sometimes is not easy and sometimes is very confusing.

Any person who is transgendered MTF spends many years trying to figure out what is wrong with them. Perhaps nothing is wrong. Perhaps they are who they are and it is so sad that society cannot accept them for who they are, as they are.

[Michelle Ellis]

Well, perhaps I shouldn't post this, the voice in my head is saying not to. But I'm new here so I don't have anything to lose.

I've had transsexual thoughts and events in my life since the earliest of my memories. I'm well over 30 years of age as well.

I recenetly joined here and identified myself as a transsexual because of some major things going on in my life right now, I just felt the need.

To tell you the truth, I can't help but feel a little alienated by this thread...

:(

[VeronicaMoonlit]

familiar faces in this thread. :-) And mention of Andrea's prescriptive language piece too.

Geebus knows who I am, because I sure don't. Not yet anyway. I am ....careful.... about the pronouns I use for myself. I say I am transgendered and leave it at that.

I think Donna, Karen and, Marlena, all said some things that people should read and think about.


Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[michelle19845]

i personally can say that i had the feelings of being differen't for years and years.i can't have interaction s with femalesfor some odd reason,but if i see an attractive guy,i can be aroused then.it's rough.i have soft feelings and am not competitive.hate sports and feel femme,when not dressed.it interacts with my daily life and never goes away.i could care less if the meat and 2 veggies were to fall off tomorrow.i feel more content with myself now that i accept myself and don't purge.i find big lines between a crossdressser and a ts.

[Ms. Donna]

Well, perhaps I shouldn't post this, the voice in my head is saying not to. But I'm new here so I don't have anything to lose.

I've had transsexual thoughts and events in my life since the earliest of my memories. I'm well over 30 years of age as well.

I recenetly joined here and identified myself as a transsexual because of some major things going on in my life right now, I just felt the need.

To tell you the truth, I can't help but feel a little alienated by this thread...

:(
There is a lot of external influence to be one thing or the other: man, woman, whatever... from both the cisgendered and transgendered sides of the street - and it can be very tempting to (and grounding) to latch onto something and be done with it. This is nothing new. I've seen this going on for years in other forums and I suspect it will continue ad infinitum.

I liken it to shopping for a car: you know you want one, but there are only a few different models (with tounge firmly in cheek) :


Man & Woman : Proven performance, strudy, reliable, relatively few breakdowns. Good both on road and off road. Rather limited cabin space with narrow bucket seats, but can be comfortable. These are the top selling models.

Transsexual : While more prone to breakdowns, the TS model is available with or without the optional equipment package. Good on-road performance, but does require some skill to master the finer points of this model. Include a special P.A.F. Stealth mode. I understand the government is looking into licensing this technology.

Crossdresser : Designed more for show, the CD model is primarily for indoor and off-road use - although it can be pressed into limited on-road use. Care need to be taken as the CD model as it seems more prone to dammage - especially those for strictly indoor-only use. SO's and other fanily members can be rough on this model if special care is not observed.

Those not happy with the selection can always go the DIY route: hunker down in the garage, fire up the ol' oxy/acetylene torch and build a custom job: much more work, but usually of a superior quality and it's built to fit. :)


OK, I'm done - but you get the idea.

Michelle, the intent is not to alienate anyone, but to provoke some thought and self evaluation. Only you can decide - discover - who and what you are. You should never let anyone else do that for you - which is the point here.

It's your life, your journey - don't let anyone lead you down a path which is not of your choosing.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Kate Simmons]

No confusion here Donna. I'm myself, both Richard and Ericka plain and simple. It all depends how I choose to express myself at the time. As I've stated countless times, in MY case, I need both parts of myself and need to be able to express those parts to be able to function properly. Call it balance, convergence, integration, whatever. It's there and I've accepted it as such and am happy as a result. I don't need to transition to be happy and am not fooling myself in any way in the process. Ericka

[BlueKat]

Myself I am somewhat TS
Isn't that like being "somewhat pregnant" ?
Either you is or you ain't... :straightface:

[Kimberley]

Thanks for this thread Donna. It is as usual, brilliant, and put in a way and style that only you possess.

Like many I struggled. I grew up knowing it was all wrong. I also grew up "being trained" to be male. Anyway it is all textbook.

After being "diagnosed" I went into a real tizzy. The ultimate decision was to live with it as best I can. Label? Who really cares? It doesnt change who I am or my values. The real trick for me was the who not the what. That is what caused all the confusion. It has taken years to figure this out and is still a work in progress.

I have acquaintances all over the spectrum and for me it isnt what they are, but who they are that counts. A postop can be a good person or a jerk the same as a CD. It is ultimately the person inside that shines through not the packaging.

Yes, for some the packaging is critical and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is a need that doesnt go away. (first hand experience here) But it doesnt mean we have to go to SRS, The options to live as a GOOD person is always omnipresent.

Michelle, you are a part of a very special community. I think the longer you are here the more you will see that the labels are irrelevant. The real importance is being a part of it. You have plenty to share and the label doesnt matter. YOU matter. Please dont feel alienated. There are a lot of people who are very quiet about labels (a couple of surprises for me in this thread). Good people are good people first and transwhatever second.

:hugs:
Kimberley.

[ava_bruna]

All that count's is that WE know where we are and what we want to do about it.
Im not really sure if I even will be able to do/be and do as id like but at least I know where I am with it. Having just got my ear's done last week I feel MORE like what I want to be, BUT what I want is what I want, we all are different so BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE ~~~** IF YOU CAN~~~~***

[~Kitty GG~]

I think its probably similar to why there are more who admit to being gay than there were 20 years ago.

More people have the information.
More who thought before that they were the only weirdo in the world feeling this way.. now can see that they are not alone.
More have the opportunity to explore their feelings rather than just pushing them down and carrying on as 'normal'.
More TS role models are available.
More treatment is available.
More public acceptance can be found.
More personal acceptance can be achieved.

If someone who has convinced themselves "I'm only a CD.. " comes out of the closet and has the opportunity to interact as a CD.. and they feel happy for the first time. And they explore gender issues more fully. And come to realize they were never "only a CD" but were never aware of or able to accept their gender identity.. They can only now "become" their true TS self.

As for the idea that true TS people are rare.. I'm pretty sure that society thought true homosexuals were rare back a few years ago.

I still also think that many confuse TS with transition. Transitioning and to what extent a person does transition is only one way of handling an individual's TS needs. Gender and sexual orientation are also totally different issues. And so some may be stuck in a sort of limbo because they are confusing the two issues.

TS is not something new. There have been TS individuals throughout history. But today we aren't dying by age 40.. We aren't working from childhood and until the day we kick off.. We have more free time and more expendable income.. We don't live in tiny villages where we know a few dozen people.

So if back in the farthest reaches of history.. TS was recognized .. it couldn't have been as rare as all that even back then. Today we just have the means and the awareness to deal with it better.

Of course people are still stifling other people by spouting all their opinions that SRS is bad. And that the individual must not REALLY know whether they're TS or not. And making rules as to when/how the person SHOULD have known. And the whole hierarchy.. I just have no words to explain how ridiculous that is.

One last point.. Aren't there an awful lot of CDs just coming out of the woodwork today? If we follow the same logic.. then there should only be as many today who are here saying "I'm CD" as there were 2 years ago.. or 6 months ago.. etc.

I say lets all grow and change and be happy.. and accept ourselves along the way.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~
:star::star::star:

[ReginaK]

I think many people have put too much thought into this when the real answer is much more obvious. I think the influx of CD->TS is due to pure vanity. It's evidenced by the weekly "How do I grow breasts?" threads. Becoming a TS for a CD is somewhat of a super makeover. "How do I get those large breasts, wide hips, smooth skin, and soft hair that is so very missing from my crossdressing?" To a lot of people, becoming a TS is the answer.

Then a lot of it is social pressure. But not exactly a quest to become "normal" in the eyes of society, but in a quest to become normal in the eyes of other transgender people. For the most part, MtF crossdressers are seen as the problem child of the TG community. Whenever ever trouble happens, it's usually one of us. Turn on Jerry Springer, it's usually one of us. Becoming a TS somewhat elevates you above the rather "childish" mainstream crossdressers who just sit around talking about makeup and panties. It's all part of the TG heirarchy. The simply want to climb to the top of the pyramid.

And finally, becoming a TS is the new "in-thing". What better way to impress your friends and get all that attention you didn't get in highschool? Unless you're one of the naturally gifted crossdressers, you rarely get much positive attention. But if you become one of the transsexuals, you become the life of the party. You get in clubs faster, you get invited to parties.

Sometimes the simplest explantions are the more accurate ones. If someone could figure out a way to be a part-time transsexual, there would be no more crossdressing.

[Marla S]

Quite a few very good things have been said.

I'd like to add some more pragamtic reasons.
1.) Because for the public the term transsexual and it's meaning (right gender, wrong body) is by far less obscure than transvestism or crossdressing, this lable might just be an releave of social pressure.
2.) Statements like the following illustrate that there is a strong tendency for all or nothing.


Myself I am somewhat TS


Isn't that like being "somewhat pregnant" ?
Either you is or you ain't... :straightface:
I think it's not only a tendency but also leeds to social pressure even within this forum. For this forum this pressure is by far more responsible than gender tests, IMO. It's just cooler and better accepted to be a TS.

3.) I've been in a similar situation lately. I came here as a CD, couldn't completely identify with stocking pics and to have to doll up to the nines whenever there is an occasion to take a picture. This made me thinking that I am not a CD, cause I try to integrate it in my day to day life, don't completaly deny my genetic gender, and to make it "normal". This made me the first time in my life think that I might be a TS. But than again I would have to say like Tclosetgirl did "I am a little bit TS". But that's not PC too (see above).

[Michelle Ellis]

Sorry, I think I was being a bit (well, maybe a lot) too sensitive last nite...

For me, I've lived with "who I am" for over 30 years now. And you can bet I've done a lot of soul searching in that time. When I decided to come here it was because I wanted to be "who I am", with a total surrender of all the guards and masks I put up in my real life.

In no way do I feel under any kind of social pressure to declare myself this or that, I simply do it becuase I find it liberating and because I can do here what I cannot elsewhere.

M

[EricaCD]

This is a very interesting thread to read, even for those of us who consider ourselves "textbook" crossdressers. I hope my wife reads this thread, because I know that one of her major concerns is the perceived "road" from crossdresser to transgendered. I think the perspectives offered here show a terrific diversity of viewpoints on this dynamic - or whether it even IS a dynamic.

These threads are what keep me coming back here. Thanks so much!

Erica

[Bernice]

It's a formidable challenge to try to add anything to the wealth of thoughtful perspectives already expressed. Like a stereotypical blonde, I'll go for it...

The duality of genders is a myth. Society overwhelmingly believes the myth, and creates enormous pressure to be one or the other. Social acceptance of TS is greater than for CDs perhaps in part because TS seem to get more press in a positive light.

If CDing were only about the clothes, why do we reach for breast forms? CDing is more complicated than that. Cdrs experience a gender that is not either of the two socially acceptable varieties. We prove the myth of the duality of gender, but we hide to avoid persecution. Some of us seek GRS to avoid having to hide, as though having to hide was an absolute requirement for the Non-op transgenedered.

Then too, the road from CDing to GRS is hardly lined with Jersey barriers on all sides. There are many other routes to follow, and there are no one-way signs before you might actually arrive at GRS.

Me personally? I can't imagine preferring male clothing after a mere seven days full-time. I've had close to that a few times. However, I can imagine not wanting to dress to the nines, which I rarely do anyway. I could even imagine selecting various unisex clothing items for more practical reasons, but not as a conscious choice to appear male again. I don't give much credence to the tests, because the tests also attempt to limit the variety of gender. Life is more complicated than labels.

Perhaps there are more TS (or people who identify as such) on this site because we are free to discuss it without fear of retribution, and/or because we have more members every day, and/or because we are all growing older and more self-aware.

I'd rather have my own high-performance jet to fly, and the money to insure and operate it, but that is no more likely than successful GRS for me. I've learned some serentity to accept what I cannot change, and some wisdom to recognize what I cannot change. This alone leaves me more well adjusted and functional than I was just ten years ago.

[Ms. Donna]

Erica raises two points worth exploring here.

First is the notion of a dynamic around all of this.

All of life is dynamic and it is folly to think that our sense of self is some static entity. From birth to death, who we are is under constant revision. None of us is the same person they were ten years ago.

With regards to my gender perception, I can say without question that Who I was at puberty, end of high school, end of college, eight years ago and right now are very different beings. Just over the past eight years, I have had what I see as radical changes in perspective with regards to gender, self and society. There is most definitely a dynamic to this - as with everything else.

I made a post in the TG/TS section (y'all should stop by now and then, we don't bite... much. :) ) called Becoming... Not Transitioning (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=32347). It is my take on what those of us who do not 'transition' experience as we become who we were meant to be. I feel the bulk of it is worth repeating here:

I see myself now as not having changed from when I was a confused child trying to make sense of the feeling I was having. I inhabit the same body, I have the same mind - and by and large, I have the same feelings as I did then. The difference is not a change of state, stage, or subject - it is not a development or evolution of form.

What I have done is allowed myself to become/I] that which I always was but resisted. Perhaps, to the world at large, it seems that I have changed - but what have I actually changed about myself? As I said, the thoughts and feelings are all still there - only now, I [I]acknowledge and accept them as an integral part of who I am. I have stopped fighting against myself - resisting that which I am.

It's not unlike the clearing of a dam. Suddenly, there is now a river where there once was none. But the river was always there - held back, suppressed - kept from being what it is. With the dam removed, the water and land merge - they become the river they were meant to be.

While this might sound contradictory to the statement regarding our selves as being dynamic, the difference is that while my sense of self and being have changed and grown, the underlying feelings, the drive - the core of who I was to become, that is what is still there: raw and undeveloped - waiting to realize it's full potential.

I feel that this is the dynamic: the clearing away of the psychological debris which has held us back from becoming who we truly were meant to be.

When a dam is cleared, there is an initial flood like surge before equilibrium is achieved. For the 'non-transsexual', this is a surge of feelings and emotions which the individual may not have ever allowed themselves to fully experience. They become overwhelmed - and the feelings are easily misinterpreted. In an attempt to process all of this, the individual identifies with that which most expeditiously explains it: one finds oneself 'becoming' transsexual. They get caught up in the whole 24/7 girl fantasy and are convinced that this is the only thing that is right for them.

Given time, most find that the feelings subside, equilibrium is achieved and the preoccupation with being transsexual starts to fade. In some cases, however, this may not happen. With the feelings now acknowledged, individual may recognize that these are not strange, but familiar - long repressed feelings. They are feelings which now have a context in which to be interpreted. With the scales now tipped, these individuals now awaken to the realization that they are transsexual - and have been all along.


The second point Erica brings up the notion of a 'textbook' crossdresser.

We can and often do bring up the notion of a 'textbook' transsexual. We can do this because as a medical diagnosis, transsexualism is documented and the symptoms listed out in black and white. There is a 'textbook' transsexual - unfortunately.

The problem with a 'textbook' definition for any of this is that it panders to the lowest common denominator - it cheapens that which is being defined. By painting us all with the same brush, it makes each of us something less than we actually are.

What seems to be forgotten is that crossdressing is an activity - it is something one does: for a variety of different reasons. In this respect, it is not unlike gardening: there are many reasons one gardens - but there is no 'textbook' gardener. And just as 'gardener' is not considered an identity, neither should 'crossdresser' be considered an identity. Both are valid only as shorthand for one who engages in the aforementioned activities.

Nonetheless, most who crossdress do identify as 'crossdressers': equating the action with an identity. Not unlike the constructs 'man' and 'woman', 'crossdresser' is a construct with no concrete definition. And while there is likely much commonality among us as a group, one is likely to find that each of us has a different definition of what it means to be 'a crossdresser'. As such, there can be no 'textbook' crossdresser any more than there can be a 'textbook' man or woman. All are social constructs for which there is no archetype. The only meaning they have is that which we prescribe to them.

Culturally defined and unique to each individual, 'crossdresser' communicates nothing more than the fact that one wears clothing intended for the 'opposite' sex. It in no way speaks to the motivation behind the action. It in no way speaks to who we really are.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[elizabeth nicole]

You said what I wanted to say but could not bring to words.Since finding the peace that comes with acceptance of ones self and all your frailtys Iknow what you truly mean.I know i will never transition but know why i have always felt this way.My journey was a long and troubled one.The battle with both sides male and female,the thoughts of suicide the sleepless nights.Then when you seek help from the few spots that it can come from and you start to search for your self and find it then you know that you can put everything where it belongs. Those of us that do not transition will always have a battle with ourselves but maybe it will not be so hard.

[Ms. Donna]

Those of us that do not transition will always have a battle with ourselves but maybe it will not be so hard.
Hi Elizabeth,

You'll find that there are a few of us here in the same situation: not 'transitioning' for a variety of reasons. And it is hard - a battle we will in one way or another fight on a daily basis.

We easily get 'stuck' in a definition of self and try to stay there out of fear: the fear of becoming 'something else'. But as I said in my post the other evening, it's not 'something esle' which we become - it's who we should have been all along.

Once we understand this - this process of becoming - we can then understand and accept ourselves for who and what we truly are. We no longer need to fear the change which seems, IMHO, to be inescapable.

Love & Stuff,
Donna