Looking back at me

[Kimberly]

I don't know what to make of it.

This has taken me greatly by suprise.

I can't really express it.

I can't sleep. And I haven't been dressing very much recently, so I thought I'd just put some things on and enjoy dressing. So I have. At 1am. The outfit I intend to go "out" in actually... I have a mirror. I'm looking in the mirror - it's only a small one - and funnily enough, I'm not looking at the clothes.

I'm looking at the puzzled face staring back at me, who's looking at a puzzled face. But I can't honestly tell whether it's a man or a woman. This is kind of creepy - this has never happened to me so genuinly before. No make-up, nothing. Just my face, a clean shave and washed hair - both done this morning. My lips look... fantastic. My hair looks... feminine. This is so strange. Normally it takes me some work to even start thinking of myself in feminine terms in the mirror.

But I've been staring for about half an hour solid now. I'm seeing my face without gender.

Thoughts please, this has really freaked me. xx

[EricaCD]

Don't be freaked. Enjoy the moment. It's a great, liberating feeling! (One that, incidentally, I have never enjoyed, as I look hideous without makeup.)

If you are REALLY curious, take 25 or so photos of your face close up. Tomorrow morning, when you are really sleep deprived, take a look at the pictures. If they still look great, then congratulations! You have really achieved a transcending moment in your femme outer image. If you now see imperfections, DO NOT FRET! Remember what a wonderful, disconcerting, imbalanced feeling you enjoyed. Then take a hard look at the pictures and figure out how to make yourself appear even more beautiful next time!

That "OMG I can't believe what I see in the mirror" feeling is probably 99% of what I get out of dressing. I'm thrilled you got there with comparatively little effort :)

Erica

[Bernice]

Kimberly,

I've been there, felt the same way, I can definitely relate. Then I looked at the pictures. Yuck. Oh well, we can't all look as good as you do.

[KateW]

Congrats - I'm really pleased for you! Do you have some pics? You have looked very fem in all the photos I have seen to date.

I haven't got to the point where I'm mistaking myself for a woman yet. I have quite feminine eyes, but I still have a big man jaw! Hopefully my hair will eventually take the attention away from it, or I could always grow a beard...

[Sally24]

Congratulations! I've never gotten that "face" moment withiout make-up. I do occasionally get it from looking at my body or I should say the outline. It is very surprising when you hit the point that you either look neutral or female without much of anything but your expression and stance. Alot of gender is not so much physical as emotional.....the expression of the face, the tilt of the head, posture, arm and leg positioning, etc..

Great that you're making this much progress this early on in life. You've got alot to look forward to!

Sally

[Marla GG]

Hi Kimberly,

if I am understanding you, you were a little disoriented by the image you saw looking back at you because you saw yourself not as a boy or a girl but as both/neither -- a new experience for you. It sounds like you are wondering what it means, and where it might lead....

I can't answer those questions, but I can tell you that what we see when we look in the mirror is largely determined by by what we expect to see. Looking in the mirror and interpreting what is reflected there isn't the passive activity it appears to be; it is an active process that involves both registering the image we see, and projecting our own meanings onto it. Since it is unlikely that your face has physically changed, I would imagine that your new self-image stems from changes in the way you think about yourself and your gender. You may not have been dressing much recently, but that doesn't mean that your gender identity hasn't been shifting and evolving behind the scenes.

I tend to agree with everyone who has said that you should see your experience is a positive thing. Think of it as a step toward greater harmony between the way you feel on the inside, and the way you think you look on the outside. It is certainly better than looking in the mirror and seeing a boy in a dress!

Love,
Marla xx

[Kimberly]

I have quite feminine eyes, but I still have a big man jaw!
Ah. Man jaw... I think I'm the biggest perpetrator of this. :heehee:

Well, Marla, you're probably right. I rack my brain about gender identity and society's views, skepticisims, etc... What is means to be a crossdressing, why we do it... But I've never delved deep into myself to find out what it means to me. This probably is something new, or my identity "shifting" like you said. It's morning, and apart from looking slightly tired (I look hungover tbh,) it's still there. I think I agree with you: it's something behind the eyes that's changing my perceptions, not the image that's physically changed. I don't really recognise myself... that's it! I don't recognise myself. So I haven't changed, it's my perception or viewpoint that's changed.

Very strange, but kind of cool.

I kinda vowed to myself to go shopping today, so I'll update you all on what happens. :)

[Melora]

ALL I have to say is..WOW YOU GO KIMBERLY ..You "can actually go out dressed at all"..I Envy you at this time.. YOU KEEP DOING IT GIRL!..That is all I have to say..

[Lilith Moon]

Looking in the mirror and interpreting what is reflected there isn't the passive activity it appears to be; it is an active process that involves both registering the image we see, and projecting our own meanings onto it. Love,
Marla xx

Hey, that is an amazing insight that I hadn't considered but which is obviously so true. Thanks Marla. :love:

[Rickie]

I feel great joy for you Kimberly.

:hugs:
Rickie

[tekla west]

I know what you mean, I went from a size 40 waist to a 32 in a year and when I would pass a window I didn't recognize myself.

We dress like students, we dress like housewives,
Or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle, so many times now,
I don’t know what I look like!
---- talking heads, life during wartime

[bgirl]

I have not had the mirror reflect what I feel inside. The mirror has let me pretend that I am what I feel. I do know that what I look like on the outside has little to do with what I feel on the inside. The clothes I wear are my expresion of what I feel. It doesnt stop my envy of those of you who can look like and feel feminine both. bgirl dreams again

[KateW]

I know what you mean, I went from a size 40 waist to a 32 in a year and when I would pass a window I didn't recognize myself.

Wow - what's your secret?

[tekla west]

deep depression leading to insomnia leading to walking 15 miles a day in SF and no appetite - really I would not recommend it