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susanalter
07-02-2006, 05:02 PM
I’m feeling a little depressed and confused and I was hoping maybe someone could help. I remember when I was younger I went through these horrible cycles. I would feel the urge to dress but would resist, resist, resist until I gave in. I would be in heaven while it lasted and then when I was done, I would feel disgusted with myself. Sometimes I felt so horrible about it I would purge and throw out everything I owned. Which made the next time I gave in to my urge, that much more expensive. Eventually I came to some sort of peace with my situation and realized that this was a part of me and was never going to go away and that I had to learn to live with it.

I’m sure this is nothing new for a lot of you, and probably what helped the most was the realization that there were so many others out there like me. That I was not a freak, and I was not alone. But lately, I’ve starting feeling this disgust with myself again. Maybe it is because I was recently married and perhaps I’m beginning to view Susan the way my wife does (she knows but hasn’t really been supportive. She wants to be but I think it just disgusts her too deeply).

Don’t get me wrong, I still relish the moments when I can dress and the ecstasy that runs through me when I do. But I also think about all the relationships I had damaged with family and friends trying to “hide my secret.” The religious implications of what I do (hard to forget what it says in the Bible about us). All the countless hours and money I’ve “wasted” dressing up. It’s ironic how I’ve sometimes paid prices for clothes or shoes that I would never dream of paying for myself as a man. But sometimes dressing is like a narcotic for me and I’m not in total control.

Worse sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. When I’m totally in “guy” mode, I’m very much a guy. I like all the right guy things, adore everything there is to love about women, and am totally straight. I like being masculine, having a hairy chest and legs and working out. But when I’m a woman, it’s the opposite. I love being as completely feminine. Being feminine and having soft, smooth hairless skin, arched eyebrows, having a toned but not muscle bulging body. But these are two totally opposite extremes! How does one pump iron in the gym, wanting biceps and pecs only to hate them when “he” becomes a “she”? I can’t. I’ve often stopped working out because I don’t want my body getting too muscular, too unfeminine. I love to shave or wax my legs but then I hate it when I’m done dressing and I’m a hairless man! Hair takes MONTHS to fully grow back. And sometimes I’ve gone crazy plucking my eyebrows only to have some strange explaining to do when I re-enter the real world as a man. I’d love to grow my hair out and be natural when I’m Susan but I would look ridiculous with that hair as a guy. When I’m dressing I often consider hormones, breast implants, electrolysis, etc. But then when I’m back in guy mode I can’t believe I would consider such a thing. It is so frustrating that I can’t have my cake and eat it too! Wouldn’t it be great to grow real breasts for a long weekend and then go back to normal without a trace?

And then there is the sexual issue. Though I’m totally straight as a guy, when I’m a woman I fantasize about being a total woman and that often includes fantasizing about being with men. Is that gross? I find it completely unappealing when I’m not dressed but when I am, I wanted to be lusted after by men. I want to do things to them and want them to do things to me. Anything and everything! I’ve of course never done anything with a real man. I don’t consider myself gay, but when I’m a woman fantasizing about being with a man, I don’t think it is gay either. Of course I sometimes fantasize about other women or CDs too so maybe Susan is bi. I don’t know. It is all so confusing and it has only gotten more complex now that I’m married. What happens when I have kids? Will I go back to lying? Will they catch me? Will I ever put my dressing before them? Sometimes I picture myself as 98 year old CD. It’s not a pretty site. I guess I used to think at some point I would outgrow this issue. But now I realize this internal battle will likely rage within me for all time.

I’m sorry this ended up being so lengthy, I guess it’s been bottled up too long. :(

Eleanor
07-02-2006, 05:13 PM
Just be yourself susan,if you have that urge to love men when you CD then so be it.Don`t hide your feelings as I`ve seen your pics and when you are in CD mode you are a very sexy woman!And I`m sure there are admirers here that simply just worship your feminine side!It`s not awful it`s just the way you/we are.Enjoy that other side I say!!!

Eleanor.:hugs:

Marla S
07-02-2006, 05:16 PM
But lately, I’ve starting feeling this disgust with myself again. Maybe it is because I was recently married and perhaps I’m beginning to view Susan the way my wife does (she knows but hasn’t really been supportive. She wants to be but I think it just disgusts her too deeply).
From my point of view this is the central phrase.
As long as you lived alone there was freedom to learn acceptance, less social pressure, less feeling freaky.
Because your SO is obviously not very excited, you got whole the pressure back and there they are again our "little friends": Shame, guilt, purging, confusion, fear of being rejected etc.

I think you should try hard to get your SO into the boat. Together you could find a way to arrange things as the society expects them to be arranged without denying yourself.

Kimberly
07-02-2006, 06:57 PM
A lot of what you describe is common to crossdressers of all ages.

When I was younger, I used to try and masturbate it out of me. Afterwards, though I'd feel so wrotten. I've only purged once, and that was for a girlfrien who broke up with me a few weeks after. Never again!

It all the more difficult when other people are involved - but then again, I've found something that can seriously give you a boost. I have some great friends who love me expressing who I am, will talk to me if I need to talk, and will also have great fun shopping with me and for me!

My advice to you is find a voice. A voice you can talk with, and listen to, and to understand. I chose the people I came out to wisely, and you should to. If you don't think anyone will understand - hire a psychiatrist or just a telephone independant-listener. If and when you find acceptance with other people, it makes it easier to accept yourself.

Either way, we are all resigned to the fact that this inner-feeling never goes away.

All the best xx

Kimberley
07-02-2006, 09:48 PM
Susan, a lot of us go through this and yes it can be confusing. I would strongly urge you to go to a counsellor (nonreligious) to help guide you to find the answers you already have buried within. Look for a counsellor who specializes in gender issues. A social worker with an MA is the minimum you should consider. I would go to a pdoc if I were you. Make sure you interview him/her on the first meeting not the other way around. Find out his/her opinions and how s/he deals with gender issues.

From what I see, you are conflicted between male and female and you NEED to reconcile both. This means getting a good understanding of both sides of your personality so you can come to accept the female. It does appear as though you are suppressing Susan and taking her out of the box once in a while then punishing her for being who she is... and believe me, she is a part of you.

I believe you need to do this for yourself and your family. If you dont it will continue to haunt you and eventually it will become a crisis. Believe me, that is not a pretty place.

:hugs:
Kimberley

LanaLana
07-03-2006, 08:55 AM
Sometimes you must be selfish to survive. Its better for all if you take some time for yourself and not view all your time for others. Its down to self preservation. Stop punishing yourself. Celebrate your difference. Cultivate some other CDs and keep them separate if the others can't stand it.

Wenda
07-03-2006, 12:08 PM
. Maybe it is because I was recently married and perhaps I’m beginning to view Susan the way my wife does (she knows but hasn’t really been supportive. She wants to be but I think it just disgusts her too deeply).

You mention the Bible, so I draw the conclusion that your and your wife come from (conservative?) Christian backgrounds? Don't get hung up on the Old Testament. It sets the stage, but the Christian teachings, (or most of them) are found in the new testament, and I am not aware of negative references to dressing. Many of us grew up with feelings of guilt as a result of thunder and brimstone teachings, only to realize later, that true, inclusive Christian teaching is inclusive, rather than exclusive, understanding rather than demanding, and teaching 'turn the other cheek" rather than "an eye for an eye".
When you say 'she wants to be', what do you base that upon? Have your discussed it? She knows, right? If she comes from a conservative background, this could be quite a step, but, if she has an open mind, it could be exciting and new for her as well.

"I think it disgusts her too deeply.." Why would you come to that conclusion? Has she used the word "disgust", or is that your fundamentalist teaching coming back, presuming that a mother/wife figure SHOULD be disgusted by this? Don't make conclusions for her. LISTEN to her.
Think about this: she may have fantasies and desires that have been wrongly repressed for years as well. As she comes to know Susan better, she may discover a new friend and a new means of exploring experiences that were previously forbidden to her.
My SO lived in a convent during her teens. When she hit puberty, and her substantial breasts started to develop, the sisters wrapped her in old lengths of linnen bedding. Talk about a guilt trip! 40 years later, she still apologizes for being "perverse" when she shares a secret desire or intimate thought with me. Wenda has helped her discover Jaya, her slightly dom side, while leaving her more conservative self identity intact.

Worse sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. When I’m totally in “guy” mode, I’m very much a guy. I like all the right guy things, adore everything there is to love about women, and am totally straight.
Yes, so? I drive a diesel one-ton dually, chase women, drink beer, fix houses, repair cars .... have six sets of breast forms, have girly friends, paint my toenails... who said we had to be unidimensional? If you can speak English and Spanish, does that make you a cross-culturalist?

Wouldn’t it be great to grow real breasts for a long weekend and then go back to normal without a trace?
YUP. That's what I am doing right now. Trouble is, they will still be there tomorrow morning.

when I’m a woman I fantasize about being a total woman and that often includes fantasizing about being with men. Is that gross? Nope. In my case, I bought a little strap-on for my GF. Solves two or three fantasies at once.

I guess it’s been bottled up too long. :( Exactly. You can't live with repressed feelings compounded with layers of guilt, and just expect to walk out from under it. If you have been living under a carpet all your life, when you come out into the sunlight, you will find it very bright, and may get sunburned.
Good to have you here. Best wishes. tell us how it turns out. :D

Jessica Brekke
07-03-2006, 12:48 PM
Susan,

I'm in a very similar situation as you. For years, I was horrified by my girly side, and tried to deny it completely. But I've done some serious thinking about my femme self and how it relates to the rest of my life, and I realized something rather profound the other day.

When I shut down Juile entirely, as I have for the past few years, I shut down the best parts of me as well. My compassion, my optimism, my ability to share emotionally, and my ability to laugh uncynically are all undeniably tied to her, in a way I don't entirely understand yet. I guess what I'm saying is that, ironically enough, being a girl occasionally, lets me be a better husband, father and man the rest of the time.

So when I get those self-loathing feelings now, I try to tell myself that that voice is the true enemy. Because that voice is the one trying to turn me into a cold, cynical, emotionally unplugged robot. As difficult as being Julie makes my life sometimes, I believe it gives me more than it takes.

If this is true for you as well, then maybe it's something to think about.

Marla S
07-03-2006, 01:11 PM
@JulieRenee

Very well said. :thumbsup: I couldn't have expressed it this way, but I subscribe to every word.:hugs:

FROCKYHORROR
07-03-2006, 06:41 PM
Your words completely echo how i feel,except i couldn't have expressed or described it better.I know exactly how you feel,i'm the same,living a bi polar existence each at extremes,when the urge to dress comes i just can't settle for half way it's got to be the full works,shave off,dress up,and feeling really good throughout the experience,then wishing i could have electrolysis to get rid of the 5o'clock shadow,thinking about hormones etc,taking little risks walking into the back yard,for that time i become a woman and want to experience everything like one so end up having fantasies just like yours.Once done, in sets that self disgust,self loathing,feeling like your some vile pervert that should be shamed and chased down the road by an angry mob,yes and even that little bible quote comes into mind.I came home today with full intention to burn it all,start afresh.Unlike you i'm not married or had a G/F for 3 yrs,i've tried online dating but its as though my shame comes out somehow and women just write me off without me doing or saying anything its as though they can see it in my face or my aura .Right now I'm shaved and tanned up with self tanning cream,all day long i've been paranoid about people looking at my arms but was too hot to wear a long shirt,i thought what the hell its none of their business and then that made me feel bad i'm being an exhibishinist now showing off my smooth arms,more self disgust.I got all angry with myself over it and like you say, it takes months to get back to normal,but this urge never stays away long enough.I too started thinking maybe i've got a split personality and so come along this site
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv...

I came here to see if there was anyone feeling like me and bingo,you said it all.It feels such a mess doesn't it?,on one hand you want to be a better man and set goals to achieve it,like me,i want to be as attractive as possible to capture the heart of some lovely lady,yet i sabatage it by doing all this...I've read so many threads and it seems that the most popular answers are Self acceptance and control...,then there are the threads that advise you on how to do it better which whilst in that "urge state" i lap up and start believing i'm accepting myself,but how can i be,if in the end i end up feeling like this..Its weird cos right now i think i could stop,i mean realy quit yet i know secretly theres another femme ambition thats not been fullfilled,theres allways something secretly you wish you could do enfemme,even saying that word enfemme makes me feel weird.I took the Gender test and it came up with Androgenace,do i take the tests word for it and like they say accept it and start walking around in a way that in my heart feels will get me no where with women..

The thing about this site, is that it does prove that you're not alone, and even less so when someone knows exactly how you feel....so take care xx (see that 'xx' OMG thats not me,men don't do that stuff

EricaCD
07-03-2006, 07:40 PM
Wow. Lots going on in your email - in fact too much to do a point-by-point to cover all the turf. So let's take a step back and re-cover the basics.

1. There is absolutely no reason to dislike yourself simply because you are a crossdresser.

2. See #1.

Like it or not, the urge to assume an aspect of female self-image is fundamentally part of you. Your post makes clear that there are some external considerations that come into your general anxiety: how your wife perceives you, whether there is a religious dimension, whether your bisexual inclinations when dressed spell out a more ominous threat to your sexual identity. I would guess that all of these are externalizations of your own personal insecurities.

We have all been there to a greater or lesser degree. Take some time, read here and elsewhere, reflect, pray. Please do NOT feel guilt when you dress. You are not giving in to sin or temptation when you dress. You are not wasting time. As a dedicated non-golfer I think that dressing is a far better use of your time than three hours chasing a while ball (duffers feel free to flame away).

I hope you will spend some time reflecting, and that the conclusion will be that your choice in clothes and gender presentation does not, in the least bit, affect your worth as a human. Hang in there as you get through the rough moments!

Best,
Erica

Sandygal
07-03-2006, 07:52 PM
Hi Susan.........Sit back and take a deep breath. A lot of the girls tell you to just go with the flow. A lot of the girls have gone through this already. But like you, many of us are going through the same thing as you right now. We can all do it together. Just write about anything new that you do good or bad and we will all help each other through it . We will pump you up when your down and we will rejoice in all your new steps. Your not alone.....Sandy

paulaN
07-03-2006, 08:15 PM
I've been through all of it. I know exactly how you feel. this might not be too comforting but I've gotten much better now that i'm a bit older and my hormones are not driving me insane. And I have come to accept myself just the way I am. I still have my days though. All I can say is hang in there. And keep talking to your wife don't leave her out or you may find yourself out. you will find a balance someday.

Christine Kelly
07-03-2006, 08:15 PM
you have to do what feels most comforable for you. only you can decide that.

Bernice
07-03-2006, 08:17 PM
The ladies before me have already addressed most of the points in your first post. But I would like to respond to the one about what the bible says. Hogwash! This has been thoroughly debunked by people far more educated about Christianity than me. The line about not wearing the clothes of the opposite sex was about the motives for appearing of the opposite sex, about deception, and avoidance of duty, and whatnot. Besides, back then, nobody wore pants! Search this forum and others for the religious implications, and you will find plenty of support.

You want to see religious fanaticism? Search on "Fred Phelps". He'll make you sick to your stomache! Hatred is not a family value!

cute_cd_paige
07-03-2006, 08:25 PM
Hang in there girl and think about it this way its not time and money wasted if it makes u feel better , people spend time and money on all sorts of things to make themselfs feel and look better , also on the sexual note of your post I to have disares and fantasys of being with a man but only when dressed up i guess its just part of looking , acting & feeling like a girl inside totaly i dont feel its homosexual feelings due to there being no attraction to men when im not all dolled up , for me i think its just feeling as feminine as possible. just be true to yourself and follow your heart and your feelings :happy:

typical_guy
07-04-2006, 11:14 AM
So many of your posts sound just like me! I completely understand where everyone is coming from. I am totally like many of you. I have been depressed for years, at least 15 years. That's a long time, even longer when you consider that I'm only 26. It was only a few months ago where it got to be worse than it's ever been. I almost killed myself. I can honestly say that if I owned a gun, I would be dead right now. So anyway, I started to see a therapist (non religious of course) and it's really helped me come to terms with myself. I'm still working on it but it's really helping a lot. I'm also taking an anti-depressant which I hope not to be on forever. I've come to realize that it's not WHO I am. My crossdressing doesn't define me as a person. It's just one aspect of who I am. And yes, whoever said that denying it is like shutting down the best parts of them - I COMPLETELY AGREE. I never smiled except when I was expected to. I didn't laugh. I wasn't happy and I wasn't sad EVER. I wasn't living life, I was going through the motions of being alive and that was ALL.

I don't know how long it takes most people to "come out" to themselves so to speak but it took me 26 years with the help of therapy. I would say that I would have probably come to terms on my own but it would have taken much longer. I'm glad that I did the therapy thing, I was kind of affraid and embarassed but it's helped SO much and I feel like it's going to save me years of unhappy living.

crossdressing59
07-04-2006, 11:27 AM
I can't , and do not, want to come out. And with that comes a lot of baggage. So I'm forced to play in the shadows. I play when I can which is getting harder and harder. I have kids and do not want them catching hell for there fathers dirty little secret... Good luck I don't have the answer.

typical_guy
07-04-2006, 11:30 AM
Crossdressing59 - that's terrible. :(
I've come out to several coworkers and two days ago I told my mother so now anyone that is actually important to me knows. I just got tired of living the way I was living. I haven't told my roommate but I may tell him at some point. He's a very liberal person and almost certainly won't care but it's always nerve scary to tell someone. If I wasn't living with him it wouldn't be such a big deal but I'm renting a room in his house for next to nothing (in comparison to the rest of the DC metro area).

I have to say, telling people has made living my life so much easier. I feel so much more comfortable and I don't feel "on edge" all the time.

Charleen
07-04-2006, 01:14 PM
Everything thats benn written in the replys is so right on. I hide for 30 years of marriage because my wife could not understand. That was o.k. because I loved her and didn't want to hurt her.I dressed when I could, and yes, had all those negative emotions pop up, get rid of everything,thinking she might find out, then have to start again, 'cause like has been said, Lily is an intrical part of me, and when I deny that , I feel like crap. Today is much different. I lost my Beloved in October, and my son just recently moved out, so I can now indulge which is now all the time when I'm home. When I go out, Lily isstill there whether I under-dress or not. Having come to terms with the fact that I'm a CD has mad my life not only easier, but has made a much better person for it. Today I embrass Lily, rather than trying to deny her for many years. Girlfriend , I can only re-state what others have already offeres. You sound (are) so conflicted that I also say get thee to a councelor. As far as the religios goes, a wise once told me to remember that God created Heaven and, but Man wrote the Bible. Hang in there and keep all of us posted as I know we all care.:hugs:

paula_cd
07-04-2006, 05:40 PM
Hi Susan,

I can relate to a lot of the thoughts and emotions you go through.
Unfortunately I suffer form OCD which means a lot of my insecurities, worries become magnified a million times...... why do like to wear womens clothes? am I gay? do i really want to be a woman? la la la!

Things that have helped me....

A thought/fantasy is just that! Everyone has fantasies- it doesn't mean we necessarily would act on the fantasies.
There is no black and white when it comes to gender just shades of grey :-)
A lot of shame comes from the rules by what we live...a lot of these don't make sense...who say we shouldn't crossdress...just another human being... try to live your life with as few rules as possible.
You worry about havinf a split personality...I think we all have different personas or faces...why just have the one when we can have the best of both worlds!

Hope this helps?

Love Paula x:happy:

Kimberly
07-04-2006, 05:54 PM
As difficult as being Julie makes my life sometimes, I believe it gives me more than it takes.
Raptous applause!! :hugs:

typical_guy
07-04-2006, 07:15 PM
I'm just trying to figure myself out and be happy with myself. I do what makes me happy and what I feel comfortable doing. As an adult we have these options. It's nice to have some people that can support you too or do it with you. If you want to do something with a man, then do it, who cares? Just because you perform a homosexual act does not necessarily mean you are homosexual. A lot of men experiment (especially in late teens or college years) and find that they don't like what they did or that it just isn't what they thought it would be. I'm all for doing and trying anything and everything as long as it's legal and between consenting adults. I mean heck, why not? It's all in good fun and even if you are gay or bi - who cares? It's not like you have to go to work and show everyone your pink "I'm a bisexual" name tag.

Christian GG
07-06-2006, 02:28 PM
I am so very glad you enjoy being a man. Have you ever thought of just filling up your time with all male interests that you really enjoy doing more than cding? Maybe just maybe it would work but you would really have to like them a whole lot more than cding. Just a thought. Please don't stop thinking about what the Bible says just because of one Old Testament verse. Why don't you join the religious forum?

sheena
07-06-2006, 02:58 PM
I can relate to alot of whats being said here except injoying being a man. I've learned how to play the part well but never wanted it. And as for the bible verse in the Old Testament, it also says not to trim the edges of your beard or shave your head or eat as thing without scales like shrimp, crab, lobster or eat ham or wear clothing with mixed materials ect. I would like to say more but last time I got to far into a "religious theme" it got deleted for being in the wrong forum. So yes join the religious forum where this issue can be exsplored more fully.
Sheena

bgirl
07-06-2006, 03:03 PM
Can you believe that at one time I believed I was the only one who binged and purged, the only one disgusted with myself, the only one who went back and forth at odds with myself, the only one that ever doubted my sexuality?

I'm not alone. And neither are you. If we can just accept a little more of ourselves every time we come to this place we can start to understand who we are. Not what we are. As to God, I asked God to help make me a whole person. He never seemed to answer, but lately as I come to accept my femme side and let it intergrate into my whole being, well I think he has answered, I just wasn't listening.

Lovely Rita
07-06-2006, 03:24 PM
It seems that you are not alone. I used to suffer the same type of depression and frustration but believe it or not my Christianity has helped me completely overcome that cycle you have mentioned. In fact, it was through the Bible that I have been liberated from all those terrible downs I used to go through. In an honest quest for truht I made it a point to stay away from rationalizing and compromising for the benefit of my life style. I also threw out tons of clothes and understand. I could not just say this is what I like and so be it. I had to really find out what my faith had to say about it. Without self justification I am convinced that I am fine. The truth has set me free, though it has not been easy.

Today, I have a wonderful marriage, a very supportive wife and I feel great about being Rita. I only encourage you to keep searching for the truth. I am also a minister and pastor of a wonderful congregation.

Very sorry about your suffering.

email me some time and I will share some powerful scriptures that may help.

all the best

dann
07-06-2006, 03:29 PM
There is alot of myself in your story. I've purged loads of times. It depresses me greatly thinking about some of the wonderful clothing I've tossed when vowing to never do this "filthy thing" again. But in the past year i've had to come to grips with alot of things regarding cding and my sexuality. I've come out to my wife twice in the last 2 years. I know that sounds strange, but the first time I came out, it was only part of the way. Minimizing my cding as more of a fetish. Hiding the sexual aspects of it. (i.e. fantasizing about being sexual with Tgirls, engaging in cyber sex with other cd's, swaping erotic pics with other cd's, not realizing that I've had a very serious porn addiction for most of my life.....the list goes on). All of these things my wife eventually found out about. It shook her belief and trust in me to the core. from which point I put myself through some intense therapy with a physchologist and started attending a local SAA group (Sex addicts annonymous). After 6 months of this self work I came to realize what of MY cding was sexual addiction and what was simply part of my femininity. I came to point where I realized that even while not en-femme I have feminine qualities. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but once i got a grip on some of my sexual confusion and laid it to rest, there was a sort of emergence. My femimine side had been wrapped up in this sexual side of me that I felt was out of control, and ashamed of.But one thing I wasn't ashamed of was the little boy that started trying on his sister's clothes, and fell in love with the feeling. That happened way before I ever seen or would understand porn or even sex for that matter.That little boy is part of this person. This person likes to wear women's clothing sometimes.
The next time I came out to my wife, it was full fledged. Everything in the open.
I don't know if any of this helps you at all. Just reading your entry struck a chord. Particularly about the sexual aspects and the things you fantasize about. Bottom line is, you have to look clearly at those things you fantasize about. Are you ashamed of them becuase of societies views of it, or becuase it is unacceptable to you?
One other thing to keep in mind, I've learned alot about male sexuality. Don't think for a second that most men (religous, jock, macho, conservative, whatever) hav'nt had sexual fantasies that involve members of the same sex at one point or other in his life.Our male sexual minds can take us to some pretty odd places.Not that homosexuality is odd. But for hetero men in our society, anything deviating from "the norm" is viewed as odd.

sheena
07-06-2006, 04:09 PM
I also thought I was the only one on the planet like this. And also thought, like most of society, that it was tied together with homosexuality, but I was definitely heterosexual and so very confused and afraid of the urge to crossdress. I would resist until I gave into it and then would feel shame, quilt and disgust. Two things have changed this. Education and honesty. Only recently have I searched out information on CD'ing, thank God for the internet, and found I wasn't alone. I still don't know why exactly I'm this way, I don't think any of us do really, but have now been able to except myself. This isn't something I just decided to do one day, it's been a part of me since my earliest childhood memories. And being honest with my wife about what I've kept secret all these years. I know she isn't thrilled about it but is tolerant and I hope will become more accepting. But now the guilt,shame and disgust are gone. And I know beyond a doubt God accepts me and loves me unconditional, and knows me better than I know myself, peace with Him is number one.
Sheena

tekla west
07-06-2006, 09:09 PM
I’m feeling a little depressed and confused

Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
soul of a woman was created below.

>>>>>> Never thought that woman would be me. but hey, if you are your own date, think of the money you save.

I remember when I was younger I went through these horrible cycles. I would feel the urge to dress but would resist, resist, resist until I gave in. I would be in heaven while it lasted and then when I was done, I would feel disgusted with myself. Sometimes I felt so horrible about it I would purge and throw out everything I owned. Which made the next time I gave in to my urge, that much more expensive.
>>> Which of course is the argument AGAINST purging. But we have all been there before, we all know this feeling, and this loss. So my advice, don't do it.

The religious implications of what I do (hard to forget what it says in the Bible about us).
>>>> Let me quote from the West Wing, which is taken from a diatbrie to Dr. Laura

JACOBS: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.

BARTLET: Yes it does. Leviticus!

JACOBS: 18:22.

BARTLET: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I wanted to sell my youngest daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown Sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?

(Bartlet only waits a second for a response, then plunges on.)

BARTLET: While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGary, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or is it okay to call the police?

(Bartlet barely pauses to take a breath.)

BARTLET: Here's one that's really important, because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?

The bible was written by an iterent group of nomads, wandering in the desert a few thousand years ago, if you want to take that as a guide to life, be my guest, but as a scientist, I prefer science.

All the countless hours and money I’ve “wasted” dressing up. It’s ironic how I’ve sometimes paid prices for clothes or shoes that I would never dream of paying for myself as a man.
>>>> Never been there, I wear the same $29 Chuck Taylor Con's either way, or them great $5 kung fu slippers I get in Chinatown. As for "wasted time" what's to say you would have spent it writing Usysses, or the next great American novel, or creating MS-DOS? Time spent on yourself is never wasted, just used. After all, what else were you given the time for?

Worse sometimes I feel like I have a split personality.
>>>> Ya know, we all have lots of splits in our personalities. I'm a parent, but I'm also a child who has parents. I'm a blue-color, union card carrying stagehand with a Ph.D. I'm an academic writer who sometimes works late into the evening (early in the morning) loading trucks. I hang out with real straight people who consider a glass of white wine to be indulging, and I have partied with Motorhead and the Grateful Dead too. I love to ski (snow), ride huge motorcycles way too fast, and I've been in more than one all out street brawl.... but, I also love high tea, nice silk, and pretty lace. Humans are complicated things, no one is all just one thing, unless they are a human equivalent of the Platte River, a mile wide and an inch deep.

It is so frustrating that I can’t have my cake and eat it too!
>>>>> Its called "LIFE" dear, we all know this problem.

Wouldn’t it be great to grow real breasts for a long weekend and then go back to normal without a trace?
>>> yes.

And then there is the sexual issue. Though I’m totally straight as a guy, when I’m a woman I fantasize about being a total woman and that often includes fantasizing about being with men. Is that gross?
>>> Gross depends on a lot of things, but remember, fantasy is not reality (otherwise I would have Brittany Spears on her knees, right here, right now!) In fact, fantasy is healthy and normal.

I find it completely unappealing when I’m not dressed but when I am, I wanted to be lusted after by men.
>>> Why not, we all want to be lusted after, which of course is why lust is one of the seven deadly sins. Being lazy, I never got past sloth myself.

I want to do things to them and want them to do things to me. Anything and everything! I’ve of course never done anything with a real man.
>>> So give yourself a night off of being you, fantasies indulged tend to go away. In fact, men are pigs, once tends to be enough. You might find your curiosity greatly satisfied, and therefore, in the future, nonexistent.

It is all so confusing and it has only gotten more complex now that I’m married.
>>>>> What doesn't, before the wife it was Rent and Beer, after seems she had other ways to spend my money that I never dreamed of.

What happens when I have kids? Will I go back to lying? Will they catch me? Will I ever put my dressing before them?
>>> Well in time you will, and perhaps you should, people who tend to think that parents never deserve a little "me time" (no matter how defined or lived out) are people who think they have children when they in fact have cat because both words begin with the letter 'c'. (what they say also falls under a 'c' word, one ending with "rap'.) I never lied to my kids, nor hid from them, i never dressed around them, though the accouterments lay scattered about the house. In fact, i think it made me a better parent, more open to being a mom when then needed one. (For the record, they are both in college, on the honor role, and good people with good relationships. So, one has a GF who is so straight it hurts, the other dates women with more tattoos than a sailor who tend to look like they spend the last night with a self-reversing Black&Decker drill, --- that is because, even though they are brothers, they are unique persons too.) I spent my "me time" by going to the Twin Cities and doing girls things, ya know, shopping, eating at nice places, going to bars, including seeing the Lords of Acid and My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult in drag, but I also spent weekends in Madison Wis. with the boys, getting wasted on State Street and going to Green Bay Packers pre-season games.

Sometimes I picture myself as 98 year old CD. It’s not a pretty site.
>>> ugly thought the thought might be, I don't think being a 45 year old corpse is much better.

I guess I used to think at some point I would outgrow this issue.
>>>> you will not.

Vannacd
07-06-2006, 11:11 PM
I've gone through it too. First, I agree with some of the other comments: if you are really, really distraught, talk to a counselor. They have heard everything, and 'fessing up to being a cross-dresser to a counselor is not going to shock any of them.

Now my bit: American society is really suppressive about gender roles and there's not much of a margin for creative gender/sexual thinking. If you are are a variant (and not a deviant, which I refuse to refer to myself as) - just an individual whose interests fall outside the "norm", and you judge yourself by the standards our society sets for men, you are going to come up short. But those are their standards - what are yours?

I think you have to stop judging yourself, not only because you are judging yourself by their standards, but because, as Epictetus said, you should never judge yourself at all.

I've incorporated CDing into my male lifestyle very nicely, thank you. I don't pass as a woman and really am okay that I don't. But I love to dress, and it sounds like you do too. As far as dating men when I'm dressed as Vanna, I've had those fantasies, but they are never so strong that I act on them. But if they were and I did act, then that would be fine and I'd deal with readjusting myself to the idea if and when the time came.

Anyhow, stop beating yourself up, and use this forum. It is a great resource.

Vanna

tekla west
07-06-2006, 11:28 PM
I don't even think its American society and culture that surpresses us as much as it is our federal government (dictated to by a bunch of right wing-nuts) and the psudo-christinan wack-job morons on TV, and the big time media who fights change at all costs. We are very lucky that the rest of the world distinguishes between America (and Americans) and the morons who run our government. If you get out of the South, and the Midwest you will find that the East Coast, the Left Coast and the Inter-Mountian West are pretty much, "Your misfortune and none of my own" type places.

Melinda G
07-07-2006, 01:24 AM
Don't fight it. Don't try to figure it out. Just enjoy it. It isn't going to go away.
I've forgotten about crossdressing temporarily, a number of times. Usually when I had a new girlfriend, and it was still exciting. But eventually, the urge to dress always comes back.

susanalter
07-17-2006, 12:09 AM
I would like to give an update that my wife later apologized profusely and said she didn't mean anything that she said and doesn't believe it either. I asked her, "if you don't believe it, why did you even think to say it?" She said becuase it is so not true. Maybe she was trying to make me feel better, I don't know but I would like to believe her. She also said she would never tell another living soul about my secret and I think I believe her. You all have given me much food for thought though. And it was good to hear from all of you as I was extremely depressed by this episode!