Chat With Mom

[janelle]

Hi Girls, wanted to post this earlier but didn't want anyones holiday down.
Went camping a week ago last saturday & had uneasy feelings at the site. I wrote the following letter to my mom, please tell what you think? Right? Wrong? Am i a total jurk or what.

Hi, why do i feel there is something wrong? What have i done now? I have given you your space with my problem, haven't pushed or asked for anything to do with it yet i feel it is coming between us, why? Things you said when i 1st told you are now falling away,what did i do? Iam the same person, i still love both of you, & after camping i think i ended up putting a little bit of a wedge between you's & Deb, & thats the last thing i wanted. Thats why i took a walk. I noticed Fred really isn't happy to be around me anymore & its putting the bite on you, maybe i should just bow out & than you won't have to worry about me coming between u & Fred, Deb, or anyone else.
I have tryed to explain myself the best i can. I have given u as much info as i could find. I don't know what to do anymore, so u tell me. U want me to walk away & forget or try to forget everyone? what? I don't know what anymore, u don't want me please just say so. That would be easier than what i am feeling now.
So u know, i am calm & not mad, i am just lost with what has happened with us. & like u said I have to let the chips fall as they may so please tell me where the chips i laided on you are falling.
No matter what u say,good,bad or otherwise i still love u,& will do what i can not to make things worse,but u also need to know i have to do whats right for me. U have told me that many of times.
Sorry i am not the son about really wanted. I sorry i turning into some kind of freak, i'm sorry i could be busting up parts of the family. Guess right know i'm sorry that something in my life hadn't taken it, than NO ONE WOULD BE GOING THRU THIS.
I said before i feel a mother/daughter relationship between us, & i will accept what ever you want. I just can't keep getting mixed signals from you anymore.
Sorry, this is from my heart with all the love i have & DO NOT WANT YOU HURT, but i need to know where i stand.
Love ya, take care, think about this. Again what ever u want i will try to do.
love wayne

Sorry it was long but it did all come from my heart & my sister said it should help my mom make up her mind just how much she loves me. I am very nervous but like my mom said let things fall wear they may.
Thanks girls, your all very special to me.
:love: ,Janelle

[ava_bruna]

I for one, think you did a VERY good job of putting it. Not everyone can take something like this as easy as some, Myself, my wife took it very good and really never said to much, now , all she say's is, "I DONT CARE "she isnt making any trouble over my dressing, I am!! im the one trying to understand why / how can she NOT care. but your situration is much different. I wish I could give you some better advice but I think you did a great job, im sure many other's will add to this soooo good luck and BE YOURSELF.

[Sharon]

It's a very touching letter, Janelle -- I hope it prompts your mother into talking with you about this. If not, perhaps the next step would be to sit her down face-to-face and try to get her to open up with you.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Janelle,

Very touching. Coming out to family is perhaps the hardest thing we can do and you are to be commended for having taken that step, whatever the outcome.


So u know, i am calm & not mad, i am just lost with what has happened with us. & like u said I have to let the chips fall as they may so please tell me where the chips i laided on you are falling.

When I was first seeing my therapist, one thing which we discussed was the resentment I had developed towards my parents. It seemed to me that they either didn't know I had 'issues' or they were in denial about the whole thing. So, I decided to sit down and have 'the talk' with them.

My therapist asked me - quite directly, "What are you looking to get out of this?" I told her "Acknowledgement. I need for them to acknowledge me for who and what I am." She then asked me, "What if it doesn't go well?" I told her "I'm OK with that. They might not accept me, but they will acknowledge me. There is a difference." She smiled at me and said "Yes, there is a difference."

The following is excerpted from a post I made to the thread signs of TS? (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=464188#post464188)

At a minimum, We want to be our acknowledged for who we are - and not for who or what we have pretended to be. In order for that to happen, people have to know who we are - who we see ourselves as. We can generally get acknowledgement with little effort, but this is usually a stepping stone to acceptance.

Acknowledgement is the open recognition of your difference. People now know about you - they may not like it, but they know. Acceptance means that these people see past the differences - that for them it is a non-issue. You are not treated differently because of your difference. You are valued as a person, an individual, and not as a collection of traits which either conform to a stereotype or not.

Acknowledgement is good, but acceptance is better. :)

Finally, we want validation. We want to hear, from people external to ourselves, that we are fine as we are. That our differences are not of paramount importance. While we do not need external validation, it is something we want. We all want to be loved. To be loved is (amongst other things) another form of external validation: to know that we have value on a personal, emotional level to another individual.


The hardest part is past. Start with acknowledgement (it sounds like you may already have that) and go from there. Give them some time and be willing to work with them. I suspect that you are not so far from acceptance as it may seem.

Best of luck and keep us posted. :hugs:

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Sandygal]

Hi Janelle...........That was a very nice letter. I think it might be the best way to get your mother to talk. I'm not sure how long ago you told her, but it doesn't sound like she is upset with you. She may be just very confused with her feelings. Same as you. How many times have you day dreamed about how your crossdressing would turn out with your family. When it doesn't follow the script you had in your head, you start to panic. When my 50 plus year old cousin came out to the whole family two years ago, there were so many reactions. Good to bad. Good because it was the first time I felt I wasn't alone. Bad, because his brothers said all kinds of bad things. His mom was right in the middle trying to keep both sides happy. I have noticed over the two years, the brothers have come around and talk to him again like everything is normal. If you have a loving family, they will come through. Just takes time. I'm sure your mom loves you, she might not know how to show it.....Sandy

[Calliope]

I have given you your space with my problem, haven't pushed or asked for anything to do with it yet i feel it is coming between us, why? ... Sorry i am not the son about really wanted. I sorry i turning into some kind of freak, i'm sorry i could be busting up parts of the family. Guess right know i'm sorry that something in my life hadn't taken it, than NO ONE WOULD BE GOING THRU THIS.


Of course it's easy for someone outside the situation to take a militant or utopian stance but - in my opinion - next time skip the apologies, they simply reinforce your mother's perception there's a 'wrong or right' on the issue. There isn't. There is nothing illegal about dressing, this country won't fall apart at the sight of a few articles of clothing. Hopefully someday, your mom will offer you some apologies for making your life hell right now.

[janelle]

Hi Sandy, i told her along with my 2 sisters back in Nov. of last year. At that time all 3 were behind me 110%. Since my youngest sister has left the fold, & as you can see my mom is somewhere else completely. The 1 sister i grew up with is my life line right now. She believes i should have been born a girl. That we would have had tons of fun growing up. She has also stated she loves it when Janelle visits cause to her it seems it the first time we both are truely happy.
When i firsted accepted myself i had no wish for srs, but as time goes on if health would permit i may wish to change. Like today i painted my toes & fingers, wearing my panties as normalbut needed something extra. I also put a bra on & i have gone out to wal-mart & gased up my truck for the week. I saw & ran into many woman, no one said athing yet i felt i belonged, & isn't that what this is all about for all of us.
I am at peace with myself & i hope others can be too. Its wonderful to know who you truely are for the first time in your life. Yet it sad when the people you love can't, won't, or hide from the truth.
Sorry for going on but i am here for all the girls. I have made big strides in myself the last several months. I what to help others.
Please girls, Ladies have agreat day & give a extra hug to someone today.
:hugs: :hugs: :love: ,Janelle

[Sarah Rabbit]

The only thing I could fault is, Your not a Freak, none of Us are. We are different from others, but so is everyone else Everybody has their own Quirks.

Sarah R. :bunny:

[janelle]

I know Sarah dear but i like that better than her saying" its your world". Guess to me its kind of the same thing.
As far as i am concerned i think we are all beautiful people trying to brighten others drab lives,hehe. we are the cool ones!!!!
:love: ,Janelle

[Kimberly]

I read the first couple of lines of this and thought... you're talking about my Dad!

Since coming out to him, he's not treated me the same. There's an air about our relationships - especially our conversations, that limit me. That's the best way to express it... something isn't being said. We will only talk to a point.

My mother is different. We discuss my dressing, what drives me, and often how I dress, where... whether I'm secure.

I've resigned to the fact, though, that closed minds - filled with their own wisdom and experience (that's still valid!) - won't change. My Dad will never, ever come to terms with my crossdressing. And that's coming from my Mother.

[janelle]

I'm sorry Kimberly, i wish i had words of wisdom for you. All i can say is don't give up, i haven't. take care dear.
:hugs: ,Janelle

[Bernice]

For all the preaching I do about honesty, it is only fair that I confess I have no desire to be acknowledged by my mother. She made it clear 39 years ago that this was just a phase, that I would grow out of it, that crossdressing is fundamentally wrong, and don't argue or try to discuss anything this fundamental with your mother. So, I don't. I let her believe what she wants to believe. She will be gone soon. Better to let her go in peace. :(

[Jean GG]

Again what ever u want i will try to do.
love wayne

Janelle: that's from the heart and it will impact your mother. But if she is confused...she needs time. I believe that there is such thing as 'healthy confusion' which is what most go through when they first find out that someone they love crossdresses.

The only thing I would say...don't promise something you can't deliver! This will prolong the confusion! From all I have learned on this forum, cd is NOT a choice by most hence if she wants you to give it up...it will make things even more difficult. Good luck...jean

[KrazyKat]

janelle, I really have a big hug for you!!:hugs: You're doing a great job of addressing your lifestyle. Mom may just need time to see that you are the same person, it's just a foreign thing to her. My Mom and Dad had a hard time with me having a tattoo of a black panther on my left shoulder last summer.:eek: I caught my DAd eyeing it this last weekend when we visited. LOL

Something to think about, if you're parents are in the over 60 crowd, depending on where and how they were raised, change is a difficult thing for them, it like scares them to death, or something. I gather you were the only genetic male born to the immediate family? This generation stills has strong ideas about the male in the family carrying on the family name and genes!! I know it may sound old world, but is still something deeply ingrained in their heads. This may have something to do with the attitude changes.
Something else, myself being the 3rd born, and 1rst daughter, I've noticed(because I've always thought like both male and female,and I think all 4 of my siblings do, too) that my parents treat me much differently than my brothers, even more so now that I'm more aware of gender differences and gender feelings. I'm sticking up for myself now, when my Mom told me for the 20th time this weekend that my 2 bros have enherited some great uncle's mechanical sense, I remind her that I also have been blessed with that trait! I think that's why I feel so frustrated with my family sometimes(as many of us do, CD/TG/or not). The old time gender predjudices were harder for me to deal with, but now it's become easier. I know who I am, and no one can change that, only me!!0.02 DOes this make sense?? Hang in there, Janelle, I think you're doing wonderful!!
Kat

[Joy Carter]

Janelle I can't offer you any words of wisdome just go in peace and be happy you have taken steps to being normal.

Joy

[janelle]

Morning Kat & ladies. Kat what may help is my sister(@ ayear younger) & i grew up together with our aunt & uncle Until i was 18, than we met our mom. I have 2 other bros & 1 more sister. My family is a mess i guess but at least i know who i am & the heck with everyone else.

All you ladies i thank for your comments. One does feel like family here, Thank you.
:love: ,Janelle