ultimately depressing

[tabytha chai]

Well the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of sorts for me. In order to keep it simple, I have come out to a few friends, 2 males (we are no longer friends) a couple females (they say its great but forgot my phone number) and a couple of family members who profess support and say they love me "anyway". I have had one trip out to a drag show here in springfield IL. I found it to be absolutely thrilling to get out as tabytha but I was dissappointed that there werent any other t-gurls, (aside from 3 performers)there. The gg I went with has been nice but seems uninterested after our "date" I can understand that though maybe i was boring LOL. My landlord has hinted to knowing about my "behavior" and has served me eviction papers citing the "fact" that I have been throwing parties (did he miss the memo on losing all my friends?) I know he is just avoiding a discrimination case. so ultimately i find myself alone and miserable, not quite what i had in mind when i "accepted" my feminine self. Spfld seems to be a tg cemetery and I wish i could take it all back. I am on the verge of suppression which i also fear but this is not working in any sense. Are we all this afraid to be out there and be seen? If I could get up the nerve surely someone else could be out there as well. Maybe its me and if thats the case I seemed to have no problems achieving this loneliness as a man I sure dont need to perfect it as a woman. Sorry so negative but this has been anything but fun or rewarding. Sad times for sure

[Calliope]

That's sure a lot of pain and frustration to take on at once, a shocker. Ultimately, if you don't cave, you will have new friends and a new place and they will fit you like a glove. Springfield IL sounds pretty narrow (I grew up in St. Louis) but there's almost always pockets of liberation and liberty-lovers nestled away, even in the most desolate places.

[GypsyKaren]

Try not to let it get you down Tabytha, it serves no purpose. I lost some "friends" also when I came out, I say screw them. The simple fact of the matter is there's someone out there for everyone, you just gotta keep plugging away. To me, it's more important to be happy with yourself than to have others do it, so give yourself a big hug and a smile and continue living your life the way you are, I'm sure things will turn around for you soon.

Karen

[DawnRodgers]

Well, you probably know the old sayings - but they do hold some truth. If your "friends" desert you brcause of this were they really friends at all. Surely you must realize that coming out, although it will lift a great weight off of you (and, hopefully make you happier in your expression of yourself) is not and easy road to travel. There is still a lot of narrow mindedness in this world and the sexual burdens that most people carry have been bred into them for many years.
It takes great inner strength to do as you have done. Certainly living in an area that is more diverse and accepting makes it easier. There is still a lot of stigma on and lack of acceptance of those who are different by others. At times I fear that the rabid fanaticism of those forgiving and accepting "Christians" and other fanatical "religions" will be the doom of all mankind. Norrow minds and the belief that their way is the only way has caused significant pain and sadness in this world.
Stay strong and believe that what you are doing is best for you. Be confident in yourself, be true to yourself. Always act like the lady you feel yourself to be. Think of how happy you were and how happy you can become. If that equation doesn't work well you may have to reconsider and either move, wait for a future time or, unfortunately, do what you have to do to exist in the world as it is.
Dawn

[Angela Burke]

I can only reiterate what GypsyKaren has said.
If your "friends" really don't want to
know you because you've come out as cross-dresser,
f**k them!
Get out and about, make new friends.
Don't submit to your landlord, make a fuss.
Use the web to find assisstance in your area,
I'm sure it's there somewhere.
You've discovered the world is not a fairytale,
Good!
Start growing a thicker hide,
it can ward off more blows than any
suit of armour.

[older not wiser]

Hi Taby, My heart goes out to you. I feel very sad that you are in such a state and feel as if the whole world has collapsed around you. As some of the other girls have said, don't give up hold your head high and go forward. I know this sounds poetic but in truth this must be done to insure your true happiness. I would try to contact a local support group for their help, you'll be surprised how this can help in all areas.
BTW, you have a beautiful face and a smile to match !!!!

Love; BonnieAnne:GE:

[Lisa Golightly]

Coming out to 'friends' isn't easy... suddenly you're someone they don't know and that can be unsettling for them. Of all those I knew when I tottered into the world... I have two left. I wouldn't have it any other way. They love me for who I am, regardless of what I do. I have made so many new friends since that the brief time of rejection is a distant memory. Now that you are you, those who become your friends are true friends. No lies, no deceptions, no judgement. That surely has to be a good thing :)

As for your home doesn't he have to issue you with written warnings before eviction? It could be the ideal time for new beginnings, new colours, and new surroundings anyway.

I view life as a season of races... many in number and a season is not lost in one race. Take a time out and just take it easy for a while. You'll soon be ready to push for victory once more.

L x

[Jean GG]

I once read somewhere that there is beauty in true sadness!

That is what I get from your post. You came out possibly because you needed support (or feeling false security after your outing), but you did not get it. I don't mean to trivialize your situation, but I will tell you that most of us, at one time or another, shared something intimate with someone who could not handle it.

I only say this because I believe that what you are feeling are normal human emotions. Feel them, find alternatives (new friends) and move on slowly to places where you will be more comfortable and accepted.

In the process, make sure you eat properly, get some exercize...and avoid alcohol. As you probably know, this helps minimize the depression and gives you a little more control over your life at this stage...Wishing you well...jean

[tekla west]

I lost some "friends" once upon a time, I don't miss them now, and funny I don't think they were real friends. (a couple of years later when I got a job at the Fillmore and Warfield in SF, and was working with Metallica, Phil Lesh, Slayer, and Bob Dylan they were - or wanted - to be my "friends" again.) Very odd but, amoung the guys I knew the one who had the LEAST trouble with it was a Huge Biker Dude. Something about people comforatable in thier sexuality comes to mind here.

Sue your landlord under each and every reason you can find. Call the building inspectors on him, call the Health Department, and get a lawyer and sue, sue, sue - it is the great American Self Defense tactic after all.

Drag shows are depressing, I never do them, except for Trannyshack, which is the anti-drag, drag show.

So, life in Springfield sucks? Do what old Abe did. Leave. (OK, skip doing the play in DC) And it could be the next palce is better, nicer, cheeper, better carpets, or something better.

Just be carefull not to write people off too soon, give thier tiny little minds a bit of time to wrap around it, they might get it sooner or later. I know some people who did. And, given the people I have in my life now, its much, much better.

I traded in a job for one at half the money, but I love it a thousand times more, what is the price for that? I moved from Iowa to SF (OK, so no one will question that) I made new friends, did things I never thought I could or would do. I did things I didn't even know were being done. It was hard, it was rough, it was worth it.

I never tell people its easy, I tell them its liberating, and liberation is never easy, never. But it is free.

And when all else fails, remember Janis:
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

So, go live the life you wnat to live, its right there in front of you. You have taken the first steps, and there are stones in your pathway and the road looks dark tonight for sure. But dawn is breaking. Hold On.

[tabytha chai]

Thanks to all of you for so much support in such a short time, guess what this site is for huh? And not to worry, I had already learned the value of true friends and the ones that arent there anymore never left that big of a dent anyway ( I already had them "read"). I guess my biggest frustration is where I am at and my either real or perveived lack of mobility. I am here for family obligation only, kids mainly but I wont be stuck here forever. My other source of frustration is that I knnow there are other gurls here but the city has beat them into the back of the closet (oops I meant to say town). This is the state capitol yet the nearest support group I could find is almost 75 miles away. I know I will be alright (I hope) and as far as suppression goes, not to worry I was talking with a woman at work and all I could think about was how much I wanted to know where she bought her top!!!LOL So there is hope I guess. I have already learned to live with less in order to work somewhere that is fullfilling emotionally, however that can be a problem because my trans-nature would cost me that for sure. So I guess all I can do is push on and try to find a way to make things work. I wont be fighting the landlord, long story short I have already fought him in court once and won but it is just too taxxing. Insane people have a way of wearing you out. Besides I know I would be happier living somewhere that feels like a home instead of a cell. But thank you again ladies and ladies I can sure use all the support I can find.
tabby

[bgirl]

I am always amazed at the courage it must take to come out to friends or family. I have done neither and pale at the thought of telling anyone. It took years, ok decades, for me to even tell myself! My best friend did find out and she also happens to be my wife. She is still my best friend and is still my wife. I can't imagine being without her. That was my greatest fear.
You made a difficult effort and their response is not something you have any control over. I wish I was secure enough in myself to not be afraid of rejection.

[gennee]

I applaud you for coming out. I'm sorry that you lost some friends but new ones will come your way. I have made new friends and it's been wonderful. Living and being who you really are will in time be a blessing to you. Keep your chin up and go forth.

Gennee

[Sophia Rearen]

Think of it as a purge. No, not the dreaded clothes purge, but a friends purge. Those old ones will be replaced by newer better models. Things will get better. Go get em!

[janelle]

Hi Taby, most of the girls have said it all. My comment is for your health & well being, if you are happy, truely happy, than the h--- with them. Be yourself & life will start to flow for you again, mine is.
Take care dear.
:love: Janelle

[Win Der Mere]

I endorse all the above advice. Think positive, act positive, life WILL begin to take on new meaning. When it does, make a post here and tell us all about it.
I'll bet it is very soon. Keep smiling, as in your picture, and success is guaranteed.
Win

[Tammi]

Sue the landlord???? That will make him a lot more acceptable , call the building inspectors????? kinda like kickin the dog cause the cat ruined the curtains . If you want to go public ok but be prepared to the fact you will
make emenies. As a landlord I see my insurance go up each year cause of these law suits that have nothing to do with the condition of the property. If the property was so bad in the first place why did you move in??So all you renters or friends and family of someone who rents will pay for the higher premiums .

[tekla west]

True that, insane people are high maintenance to be sure.

And having lived in one state capitol (Des Moines) I know they can be odd places. We used to joke about how much better the town smelled when the Leg was not in session. And given the character of that state -- (I had a friend who grew up not far from there who always said, "I come from this little place outside of Chicago, maybe you've heard of it? Illinois?" And, as I'm sure you know, that's only half a joke) -- I'm sure that Springfield has an even higher degree of that. Add current climate of fear and hate to the traditional American political mixture of greed, corruption, graft, and bribery and it only gets worse. Given all that, state capitols, with that political cesspool atmosphere also tend to be very closeted places where everything happens behind closed doors. Can't have the local yokels back in Podunk Center knowing what mister assemblyman is doing on their time after all.

And hey, ask her where she bought it. I've never had any problems with that question. Many women feel that shopping is a competitive sport and want to talk about it as much as Butch, Bruno, and BillyBob want to tell you about their bowling league or softball game.

I found that living with less, is in fact, a blessing.

So keep on checking in, keep writing to us, or perhaps form a correspondence with a few of the girls where you can vent and shout at the devil when the need arises.

I'm of the opinion that in fact our lives are no more complicated than anyone else. It ain't an easy time for anyone here in the early years of the 21st Cent. But the solution is the same, outreach and solidarity.

So hang on, if you are going through hell you got to keep on going, cause that is sure not the place you want to stop.

[Karren H]

Wow. Very sad.. Have you tried going to URNotAlone and searching on Springfield? You can do a radius search of members by sexual orientation. And I know a few girls near there. Both married..but might be able to point you towards others or some local groups. PM me and I'll send you their names and IM IDs.. Just and idea!

Love Karren

[Karren H]

Wow. Very sad.. Have you tried going to URNotAlone and searching on Springfield? You can do a radius search of members by sexual orientation. And I know a few girls near there. Both married..but might be able to point you towards others or some local groups. PM me and I'll send you their names and IM IDs.. Just and idea!

Love Karren

[Gunda]

Hi Tabytha,
I empathize with you. I've only come out to one person - an ex-girlfriend (though she wasn't my ex at the time). She expressed support and even suggested that she help me shop and with make-up. It was an exhilerating day let me tell you. The next week though, we had a falling out and drifted apart. I haven't heard from her in several months, apart from a few desultory oh-so-polite e-mails devoid of personal warmth, so I figure she's written me off. Looking back I don't think her disinterest in me was entirely related to my disclosure of crossdressing but I beleive it did play a role. I had thought she of all people would be sympathetic as she herself is bi-sexual and her initial response seemed to bear this logic out. Since then though I think she was more interested in what (to her at least) were my more "bad boy" qualities like my interest in firearms and militaria. When I told her about my dressing she was probably turned off by that side of me. I guess my point here is that even people who are rather unconventional themselves who you'd think would accept you unconditionally may not be the friends you thought they were. Having said that I am rather glad to be rid of her. I am hopeful of finding some one someday who will be able to respect and perhaps even admire my dichotomous personality. I am sure you will be similarly lucky. For starters I would put myself out there, though I know how hard it is (it was really difficult for a hermit like me), and see if you could meet-up with other girls on this forum who live in your area. The forum is great but personal contact is even better. You really feel better being able to commiserate, confide in, and talk crossdressing shop with like-minded people. Chin up, and best to you.

Gunda

[Michelle Ellis]

Well I'm in no position to offer advice, I can only admire you for having the strength to go thru something that I cannot.

I have friends I know I'd lose if I came out. But they are certainly no big loss anyways. It's my family, I haven't a clue of how'd they'd react.

You sound like an intelligent person, I'm sure you'll decide what's best for you.

Good Luck! Wish you the best.
M