Need Help/Making the right choice

[confussed]

Hi
I am not a crossdresser but am married to one, I only found out about seven weeks ago when looking for an e-mail on his address. I found that he had been a member of another forum since last October, from this I found that he had set up a new e-mail account and was communicating with other CD's but the pictures they were sending each other were more than just being dressed.

We have been married for 16 years and I honestly beleive that until now we have never kept anything from each other. I told him that I had found out and he told me little by little but only with further questions. He then arranged to go to a forum meeting were he met some-one they dressed together in the hotel room then satisfied(for want of a better word) each other.

I am trying to be as supportive as possible but have got all sorts of feelings going on that I dont understand. I have no problem with CDing or even him experimenting with an other man, but I am feeling so hurt and am sat here crying and I don't know why.

I spent last night ironig his clothes and getting a case packed as he is spending the night with a new freind(as it were). I understand it is going to take time but how do I cope in the mean time. We try talking but he thinks now it's in the open, thats all that needs to be said.

I am sorry if I have been rambling on but PLEASE help me!

[Shelly Preston]

first thing is don't panic
you will get a lot of support here from both CD's and GG's (genetic girls)


I know you are feeling hurt and betrayal
crossdressing is something most have kept secret for a lot of years so i am not surprised it took weeks of getting a little bit of info at a time.
There is a lot going on if your husband is meeting another CD and you need to think how you really feel about this. The sudden shock of finding his out can not help. Remember it has only been seven weeks. it takes time to digest all the information you have so I am not surprised you have a few tears.

You will have a lot of concerns as to what these actions will have on your marriage. Please contact me if you need to chat.

Take care

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. LOve...I'm not surprised you are in a bit of turmoil at the moment...stay cool...but I have to say that my first reaction was to feel that he is asking a Hell of a lot from you...and not considering YOUR feelings enough. I know just how deep out TG feelings/desires can be...and that we all seem to go through what I call the "pants on fire" phase...seemingly oblivious of the hurt and confusion we can sometimes leave in our wake. I've been there..I have a supportive wife but it didn't happen overnight. It takes time to come to terms with what/who we are..on both sides..and I think you have done remarkably well under the circumstances...but you have to know where you stand in all of this...and how you really feel about it. It isn't just all about Him/Her.!!. You gotta communicate love.....and try to come to some balance...some understanding that's acceptable for both of you..He is lucky to have you love...hope he realises that. good luck...hope it all works out for you.
Love Nikki. x

[Sarah Rabbit]

Hi
I don't want to sound callous, but how do you feel about your S.O. being with another person. Say if it was another Female. Still infidelity in my books. So with this in mind, how would you deal with it. Do not let him being a CD excuse what he is doing.

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Toyah]

Hi
I don't want to sound callous, but how do you feel about your S.O. being with another person. Say if it was another Female. Still infidelity in my books. So with this in mind, how would you deal with it. Do not let him being a CD excuse what he is doing.

Sarah R. :bunny:

Spot on Sarah being CD is one thing but being with someone else is not acceptable. Confused you must stop this it is inexcusable and he is rubbing it in your face

[Tamara Croft]

I've moved this over to the MTF forum, I'm sure you will get more responses in here than the intros.

Personally, I think what your hubby is doing is totally wrong and by the sounds of it you are letting him go with other men? I don't know how you are really coping with this, but he's cheating on you :( Do you even know if he's using protection? STD's can be a killer you know!!

Sorry, but the only word that comes to mind with this to me is 'Divorce'

[Fallen Angel]

I have to agree with toyah on this.For the most part most of us crossdressers are straight males wether it be in drab (male attire) or in fem mode.if your bi your bi wether your in male mode or not no offence to any of the other girls here.I Give you alot of credit for trying to be suportive of the crossdressing end of it but not the open relation ship.Ive been out in the open for years my family and freinds know. But at the same time it also took a few tolls as well.I would try to get as much info as you can on crossdressing as possible and theres a forum here thats just for gg's that you can talk to as well as the regular forum of us girls if you want to chat you can pm me and il give you my yim as well chin up big huggs angel

[Jenny Beth]

I have to agree with others here, the fact that he is a CD is not the big issue. He cheated on you and in my books that's inexcusable. It seems to me that if he's spending the night with his new friend he doesn't care about your feelings, only his own desires. As you pack that case for him make sure it's big enough to put everything he owns in it....Oh and get the locks changed.

[stacie]

It will take sometime to understand his CDing BUT it is not right that he is going out to be with another person (man or woman) and satisfing himself. cheating is cheating. I go to a support group for Cd,s and we have a great time, we have a pitch in and then talk about our lives as cder,s and the lives around us or sometimes we talk about anything that is on our mind. support groups are open to all to understand crossdressing even yourself, but dont let him make you think it is alright to go out and satisfied himself in the wrong way. I hope this helps and forgive me if I misunderstand your topic.

[Stephenie S]

I'm afraid I'm with everyone else here. We all can accept the CD part, of course, and you will find a wealth of help and compassion here.

BUT.... Spending the night with another man? "Satisfying" each other?

This is cheating. And not only cheating but exposing YOU to a sexually transmited disease. And not just HIV. There's many others out there. My advice is NO MORE SEX FOR YOU, SWEETY!! If you want to stay married to this heel, you both need counseling and a lot of time to build up some trust.

Good luck to you dear, come back here often, we will help all we can.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Calliope]

The issue is the infidelity, not the dressing. Professional marriage counseling is the only option as I see it.

[Rickie]

Man I wished I had something wise to tell you. There are more knowledgeable people here so I will leave that up to them.

Please start thinking about yourself and your pain.

I will say a prayer for you to find strenght to face what you have coming in your life.

[Josephine Bonne]

Dear Confussed,

My wife and I are always trying to understand each other, this is after many years (decades) of marrage, and be assured that my feminine side and dressing is more than an occasional topic. But please do not be fooled by someone taking advantage of you under the guise of CD; if the issue your SO has is wanting to be honest with you about feelings then that is the issue, not the other junk that is going on. Please think of youself, it does not seem like your SO is thinking much about having a solid relationship. I believe that there are many here that support you.

[Billijo49504]

Sorry, but lets call it what it is,ADULTRY!!!!! And in my book that is just not right. Dressing is one thing, even going to support meetings, but sex in a hotel room, is just not right. I hope he doesn't bring you home anything, STD. You have my sympathies.....0.02 ...BJ
ps. Let him do his dressing at home, with you, not someone else.

[confussed]

Thank you for your support, but could I ask what your response would have been if he had written this about our situation?

[Shelly Preston]

I would be teling him that having told you about his dressing he should not be causing more heartache by sleeping with anyone else. He should not be sleeping with anyone else untill you have a chance to sort your marriage.

What you decide to do as a couple after that is your business

Take care

[Ms. Donna]

Thank you for your support, but could I ask what your response would have been if he had written this about our situation?

I suspect you'd find the responses (from those who have replied already) much the same: although there are those who would support his 'excursions' as harmless.

To me, getting together, getting ready and going out with a group is fine. It's innocent, social, public and it's not sexual. It amounts to a girls' or boys' night out. A few drinks, a few laughs - good clean fun.

Meeting one-on-one in a hotel room for the ultimate purpose of a mutually 'happy ending' is a whole 'nother ball of wax. He's married to you and he's on a date - looking to 'get some'. In my book, that's cheating and it's wrong. Of course, my book may not be the same edition as your's. :)

As others have said, the CDing is secondary at this point. You and hubby need to have a serious chat regarding fidelity before worrying about his choice of wardrobe.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Jenny Beth]

Thank you for your support, but could I ask what your response would have been if he had written this about our situation?

Since this is a hypothetical question I have to wonder just what he would have told us. He hasn't been above board with you so I'm guessing he wouldn't have given us all the facts either. Still though I believe honesty, respect and monogamy are cornerstones in any relationship and my response to him would have been to tell him that he is hurting the one he supposedly loves, I think you'll find most of us here feel that way.

[confussed]

His response when I bring up fidelity is that on occasions in the heat of the moment we have fantisied about various things this being one of many, but he can't understand why I would have done this if I didn't want it to happen.

[Tamara Croft]

Thank you for your support, but could I ask what your response would have been if he had written this about our situation?If he had posted, he would have seriously been ripped a new one is what!!! :Angry3: There have been a few threads, posted by those who are doing what your hubby is doing and they didn't get any support, far from it!!

So, he's acting out your fantasies? That's even worse!!! Does he know the difference between fantasy and reality, because I'm finding it hard to believe that he could do something like that thinking he had your approval..... :OMG:

[Nikki Dee]

Thank you for your support, but could I ask what your response would have been if he had written this about our situation?
Given that he told us what you told us...EXACTLY the same.!!!..
Nikki. x

[rghelen]

I too am coming to terms with my husbands crossdressing hobby,only finding out about it after 14 years of marriage.I fully understand your hurt and shock at finding out about 'his secret'.I cannot believe you actually packed his case for him to meet up with someone for fun!I know he has 'come clean' to you about his desires but that doesnot mean he should have your approval to go ahead and be unfaithful.Would he be so willing for you to go ahead and meet someone else just for fun? I bet he wouldn't.
I have good and bad days with my husbands 'hobby', not that i ever stop him from dressing.I would draw a line at meeting someone for adult fun.
I know that not all cd'ers want to take that route, but to expect you to be so accepting of this i feel is asking way too much.
Just because he is 'open' with you now does not mean he automatically has the green light to fulfill his 'fantasies'.
Sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel and what you expect from your relationship now you know about his dressing and more.I hope he his honest with his answers.
I really do wish you well in your immediate future, Helen.

[sandra-leigh]

I am trying to be as supportive as possible but have got all sorts of feelings going on that I dont understand. I have no problem with CDing or even him experimenting with an other man, but I am feeling so hurt and am sat here crying and I don't know why.

Ouch, that sounds like a pretty hard situation. :sad:

I don't like what your husband has done. As, though, there have been times in my life when I have been pretty confused or vasty uncertain and unhappy, I wonder whether at the time he felt almost as if he had no choice or if not doing something was worse?

There are all kinds of reasons to cross-dress. At the extreme, there is Gender Identity Crisis: an intense feeling that one really is the other gender. If someone feels intensely that they are "living a lie" then sometimes the conflicts can build up until the point where they feel that they must do sometime about it, even if the doing seems likely to wreck their life as it has been so far.

If that is what is happening with your husband, then there would likely have been cues in the discussions. Was the phrasing in terms of "enjoying" CD'ing and "wanting to see what it was like" (to be with another man), or was it much more miserable expression along the lines of "I really feel like I'm in the wrong body!" and "This is something I have to do because it is tearing me apart!" ?

Without knowing more about the situation, I would hesitate to describe what your husband did as being "selfish": it might instead be pathetic (in the literal sense of pathos, something that arouses pity and sympathy out of sorrow and anguish.) "selfish" implies lack of thought for the feelings of others, acting strictly for one's own pleasure; the information presented so far leaves open the possibility that your husband has been agonizing over the situation but just couldn't stand it any longer.

People under severe emotional stress sometimes do things that are likely to be roundly condemmed, feeling that the alternative is worse. Things like "running away": some run away to party, and some run away as a means of self-preservation. You have not quite given us enough information to picture your husband's perspective.

I found the following paragraph on a site and it seems relevant to the hypothesis that I am raising:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/12623/what_it_means_to_have_a_gender_identity.html?page= 2



Some doctor’s are now considering transgendered behavior as a normal variation of the human condition, rather than as a “disorder”. Gender dysphoria is what it is still sometimes called, which is derivative of the actual meaning of the Greek word dysphoria, which means “hard to bear”. The name itself shows the emotional variants one must go through everyday. Imagine going through life everyday feeling like you are not what you are supposed to be? Even though their sex says one thing, their gender tells them another. And with most people using the words gender and sex synonymously, it makes much more confusing and difficult for the person who is actually dealing with it.


I regret that I have no advice to offer: Frankly, I haven't a clue as to what you should do. There are many reasons to feel hurt in the situation, and you will probably find more as you go along. :sad:


tragedy: A drama or literary work in which the main character is brought to ruin or suffers extreme sorrow, especially as a consequence of a tragic flaw, moral weakness, or inability to cope with unfavorable circumstances.

[confussed]

Reading most of your reponses you dont approve of the sexual part of what he is doing. But is better to know and protect myself than to let it become something that he is going to hide from me, while we're playing happy families. In all of this I have two children to consider.

[Tracy_Victoria]

Reading most of your reponses you dont approve of the sexual part of what he is doing. But is better to know and protect myself than to let it become something that he is going to hide from me, while we're playing happy families. In all of this I have two children to consider.

Hi Confused

I've not had time to read the replies here fully, so sorry if I cover some ground thats already been covered. My main reason for answering this post, is to ask you to read some of the post here a bit deeper to understand what you have stumbled upon, and what your husband/SO truely is.

Most of all, this is a fantasy for some, and please remember what some TV's do behind close doors, if given the chance to truely follow through they would run a mile, in 3 minutes, so try not to judge him by what you have found out.

Your best way forward here is to understand what a TV/CD is, with knowledge from this and other sites. and try to remember that the majority of TV's are not Gay or Bisexual, and a large majority of us, are married and fathers to children!

Clearly what you have found is, and has disturbed you, but the one thing you need to do, is confirm with him what ever you have found, ie if you read TV boards often there are TV that talk the talk, but don't do the walk, remember this is a fantasy situation, and being able to close the door and head to the cyber world, does not mean people do it in reality. Yes like all groups, there are homosexual, and hetrosexual guys (and Girls) that are cross dressers.

To myself, I'm a crossdresser, and I can honestly never had my picture taken in my underwear, to me this is a full dressing thing, and nothing else, but each has his own way of dressing, and many have fantasies there dressing revolves around, however that is all it is, a fantasy. So all I can say is now you know, you have a right to the truth, so ask him to tell you what has been going on, you don't need to belittle him, and screaming and shouting will get you no where!

Just ask for the full truth as to what his dressing involves to help the pair of you, only when you are both aware of the truth and what his dressing involves, will you both be able to deal with the days ahead, so the only way forward, is total honesty between you!

good Luck!

[GG Vanya]

I am assuming from your newer posts that you two were not previously in an OPEN marriage.

You can bet that meeting in the hotel with the other guy and them "satisfying" each other was NOT his maiden voyage. You need to ask him how many times he's done this, who he met with, and if he practiced safe sex. I'd also REFUSE to allow him to touch me again. Run of the mill STD's show symptoms pretty early on, and can show up in tests early on...but HIV can lie dormant for YEARS in a person, while all the time exposing any one they have sex with to a death sentance.

You haven't indicated your ages. Do you have young children? If so, they're at risk also.

I've seen some bold posts here, but him having you be the dutiful wife, press and pack his clothes for him to go off and get "satisfaction" from another MAN is unmitigated GALL!

Where's YOUR satisfaction in this taudry little drama? Are you content to sit at home being the good little wifey while he dresses in women's clothes as an excuse to **** himself around? What the hell does wearing women's clothes have to do with acting like a animal in rut?

I'd pack his stuff alright...pack it right out to the yard and set fire to every stitch of it. And I'd pile his femme stuff separately, and wait till he drags up back home and let him watch as I burned that part of it.

Being an accepting SO does NOT require that you let him walk on you!

[rghelen]

I couldn't have put it better myself!
Those are wise words .

[sierracd6]

I feel bad for you hun...If you found out he was just dressing, there is room for talk, but a cd to you, he is cheating on you, and that is bs.......he should of came to you about this before he started seeing othe cds......I feel bad for you and sorry........even if he tried to bring his cding to your attention and you discounted it, he still shouldn't see anyone else....just one mans...uh....cds opinion

[sandra-leigh]

I understand it is going to take time but how do I cope in the mean time. We try talking but he thinks now it's in the open, thats all that needs to be said.


Sorry, I didn't notice that last sentance before. It doesn't change what I posted previously, but it does suggest that my "what if" is less likely.

To me, not talking, "nothing more needs to be said" is a definite problem in the situation. In a situation like that, no matter how supportive you want to be, you likely would feel the need to talk about it several time. Even if effectively the talks came out as hearing the same thing said in several different ways, understanding or acceptance are [U]not[/] rational processes, and you cannot be expected just to hear the story once and "that's that". (At the same time, the teller often needs a bit of space between the tellings if not to get caught up in "I told you already!" feelings.)

Do you have a judgement as to which of these would be closer for him, "My feelings are my own business"; "I told you my feelings once; and it is tiresome to tell you again"; "I find it hard to articulate my feelings"; "It hurts too much to talk about my feelings"; "I don't even know what I'm feeling, but it's sending me in this direction" ?

[Anita Mae GG]

Hi
I don't want to sound callous, but how do you feel about your S.O. being with another person. Say if it was another Female. Still infidelity in my books. So with this in mind, how would you deal with it. Do not let him being a CD excuse what he is doing.

Sarah R. :bunny:
I totally agree here!!!

[EricaCD]

Add my voice to the consensus. Crossdressing is neither a crime nor a sin, though it requires a great deal of work, patience, compassion and understanding in the context of a relationship. Failing to tell a spouse about your crossdressing is a serious matter, explained in part (NOT JUSTIFIED) by the SO's conflicted feelings, shame and self-consciousness. As one who was guilty of this, I am very aware of my responsibility to rebuild the trust that I selfishly dissipated with my wife.

Cheating (and make no mistake about it, what happened here is cheating) is an exponentially more serious matter. If you wish to take him back into your life, it should be with a great deal of counseling and only if you are 100% certain that your husband is prepared to CEASE his self-destructive behavior.

If he is not, then I would recommend that you get yourself some competent counseling and a nut-cutting divorce lawyer. As you say, you have your kids to consider: kick him out and clean him out, not because of crossdressing but because of adultery.

To answer your follow up question (what would I say if your husband wrote?): Some dirtball CD wrote of a fairly similar situation a few weeks ago. If you are morbidly curious you can go through my posts and see what I said. It was not supportive, let's just say...

Please feel free to PM if you would like to discuss any aspect of this offline. I am not competent to opine on issues of adultery, but I am sadly familiar with the whole "not telling" thing.

I am sorry that your husband's confusion, selfishness and weakness has caused you so much terrible pain. I wish you all the best of luck in sorting this out.

Erica

[GG Vanya]

His response when I bring up fidelity is that on occasions in the heat of the moment we have fantisied about various things this being one of many, but he can't understand why I would have done this if I didn't want it to happen.

OK, now *I* am the 'confussed' one. Why you would have done WHAT if you didn't want WHAT to happen?

[Shelly Preston]

Reading most of your reponses you dont approve of the sexual part of what he is doing. But is better to know and protect myself than to let it become something that he is going to hide from me, while we're playing happy families. In all of this I have two children to consider.

Yes protecting yourself is fine but you should not have been forced into that situation.
Some wives allow their husband to cheat but the children change things.
I said earlier what happens when you have discussed your marriage is your business.
By taking this course of action I feel you husband has not even considered the children.

Most crossdresser will tell you that the consequences of being discovered could be devastating.
How much more devastating if the children get affected by his activities.
I think you need to have a long talk with him to find out if he is prepared to stop these meetings. It maybe that you need to seek a good counselor to help.
I hope you find the right solution for you and the children.

[Tamara Croft]

Is it me, or is this just not reading right. You have come here and asked for help, but what help do you actually need? You don't mind him crossdressing, you don't mind him sleeping around with other men and you even packed his case for him to do this? So, what is it exactly you are looking for here?

[confussed]

Thank you to those who have offered some support but I find some of the views posted a little too much. I feel even worse than when I first asked for help so I will try and go it alone.

[Bev06 GG]

I have to agree with others here, the fact that he is a CD is not the big issue. He cheated on you and in my books that's inexcusable. It seems to me that if he's spending the night with his new friend he doesn't care about your feelings, only his own desires. As you pack that case for him make sure it's big enough to put everything he owns in it....Oh and get the locks changed.
Spot on Jenny. Im afraid however much I loved my partner if he was doing this to me he'd be out the door minus two testicles. Who the hell does he think he is. I dont know how your coping babe you must be devastated. Sorry to say this but your hubby is a rat and taking you totally for granted. Give him an ultimatum, that is if you still want him to hang around after this little sordid affair. Personally I wouldn't do, that would just finish me off. And why oh why do women feel that considering the children is an excuse to hang around. Yes of course you have to consider them but believe me they wont thank you for it in the long run. I left my hubby three years ago after 16 years of hell. My kids are 10, 12, 13, and 17 now and once they'd gotten over the shock they all said I should have done it years ago. Kids however young are painfully aware that somethings not right. Mine are much happier now because I am.
BEVxxxx

[Sandra]

The Cding yes proably you can come to terms with that, but whats else he's doing is just not right, as said before it is cheating now matter how you look at it and being a Cder is not an excuse to go ahead and do it. In my eyes the only way that it is not cheating is if the 3 of you are in agreement in other words the 3 of you have a relationship together, but even that can cause a hell of a lot of problems and belive me I know from experience.

[cute_cd_paige]

well hun im gonna have to go with everyone else on this one what hes doing is wrong and u should consider your future with him very carefully i mean the least he could have done before he did it is discuss his feelings with u and if its something he had to have , maybe get u involved if u would be into that kinda thing but none the less he should have came to u and talked with u about his feelings so u both could see where each other stood on the issue and u could make your mind up on what to do from there in the end what hes allready done all boils down to is cheating and a genral lack of respect 0.02

[Veronica E. Scott]

Confussed:

I found that he had set up a new e-mail account and was communicating with other CD's but the pictures they were sending each other were more than just being dressed.



I have no problem with CDing or even him experimenting with an other man, but I am feeling so hurt and am sat here crying and I don't know why.(these are your words)

I may be totally confused also but sounds as though you dont mind what he is doing.

What kind of help are you looking for?

[mellisa's wife]

Dear confused,

In my book it all comes down to cheating is cheating!

Just remember - his needs and wants are NO MORE IMPORTANT that yours. He has you, and he has a family..they should be #1 priority in his life.

To do this the way he is is outright brazen and degrading to you. Does he care?

[confussed]

This is just a follow up to my thread 'Need help' which some of you had strong veiws.
My husband returned early Sunday morning and just wanted to sit and talk, He assusred me that he hadnt done anything the previous evening apart from just dress and talk(which I do beleive)
He appologised for being insensitive(which is a first) Then went on to tell me that he didnt feel right about going out and being with other people in these kind of situations. And that he felt more comfortable with us sharing this as a couple. He knows that what he did at the first meeting has caused a great deal of pain and I will not condem him for his error of judgement.
He is very confused over his whole sexuality as to why he wants to dress but on his own has decided that being with other CDs is something that he doesn't want to do.
We have agreed that the dressing wasnt the issue and that we will make time to share this part.
We are at least talking it has caused a great deal of heart ache for both of us but I am pleased that by giving him a little space he has made these choices himself without me forcing him.



PS I would like to appolgise to Tamara I was in a desparate place in my mind last time

[Holly]

Well, Comfused, I'm glad that you have been comforted by his words. But he has violated a trust in your relationship... that will take time to heal. Please do not allow him (or anyone) rob you of your self respect.

[Dragster]

I'm with Holly on this "confussed". Make sure your hubby knows he overstepped the mark by having a sexual encounter with someone other than you, and after he has convinced you it really won't happen again, you can forgive him (I think you already have). If you have any more limits he can't overstep without you feeling hurt, tell him. If he has any respect for you, he'll not overstep them. From what you've already said, he's got the freedom of action from you that many of us would die for. I hope he realises how lucky he is.
I sincerely hope you enjoy exploring his CDing for rest of your life together. Now what would you like him to do for you that would make YOUR life more fulfilling. Marriage is a two way street! God, I'm beginning to sound like a women's lib militant! I must stop taking the pills!!!

Good luck,
Ton

[Billijo49504]

WOW!!! I'm glad things are working out, between you two. I was worried about your situation. At least he has seen his error, and you are big enough to forgive him. I predict a long life together for you two.
As I said I don't do meetings or bars and clubs. We go to parks or shopping or just go to the grocery store. Doing the normal things people do. And believe me, my wife is my best friend. My very best friend....:hugs: ...BJ

[Shelly Preston]

This looks as if it may be the beginning of a happy ending.

This will need to involve a lot of hard work particularly on his part.

Time is a great healer and I hope you can both talk through all your fears.

Best Wishes

[Melinda G]

Wow! Crossdressing is one thing. Spending the night with another man is way over the top. If you accept it, it will only continue, and get worse. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.