Got an SO question?

[NewbieCD]

CDsWifey has been very supportive in all this i have done but it is hard for her to deal with how things have changed. The biggest issue is her own self image! She has low self esteem (even though she is beautiful) and now it seems like anything pretty she has if i say i wonder what it would look like on me it loses its appeal to her like i am always sposed to be turned on by the way i think she would look or know she looks in it. It has been so hard to explain to her even though i wanna see what it looks like on me that does not mean i do not love it when it is on her. I do not know or understand fully where this comes from in her I was just wondering if any one on here with a SO has had the same thing and what did they do to boost up there partner?

[Tamara Croft]

What do you expect her to feel like? You keep asking what her pretty things will look like on you, instead of respecting that they are her feminine things and she wants to keep it that way. She doesn't want to keep hearing you saying stuff like that, no wonder she feels the way she does. Stop being so selfish, she wants to feel pretty and sexy in them and she wants to hear you say that, what she doesn't want to hear afterwards is you saying 'I wonder what I'd look like in them'!!!! Jeeeezzzz......

[KrazyKat]

I remember growing up, some of my girlfriends were very possive of their clothes, and some, like me, consider a slumber party a great time to open the closet and play fashion show. I found it to be a great tool to figure out what colors and styles look good and bad on different people(GG's at the time)!! I'm not sure why we are different, maybe genetic and upbringing.

I did open my closet to my SO when I first found out, to discover that some things GK already knew fit or not!! LOL I don't feel that one way is wrong or right, but as TAmara said, respect and trust are important in a relationship. I guess, NewbieCD, you have to get some things of your own. Please try to refrain from drooling in her closet, she's still very unsure of what is going on?! Maybe your SO is struggling with her gender identity as it relates to yours?? Time and consistent reminders can work wonders!!
I have noticed, my SO, Karen always says, borrow anything, but if I wear a shirt or something, I never see her wear it. I don't think either of us understand it, though.

Hope this helps, patience and communication(includes listening) helped us immensely!! Kat

[NewbieCD]

I tell her all the time what i think of what she wears there is one thing i know to do and I love to do is to tell her how beautiful she is to me every day if i was being so selfish i would understand but i reasure her all the time because i love her. If i was trying to be selfish i would not be making a thread on how to help her and how to be sensitive to her needs as well as my own. Most of this comes from shopping than from me using her stuff like when she pulls something off a rack at walmart me being like thats pretty i want one. I know her and i know what stuff is hers and i do not ask to wear her stuff but only wear what she offers to me.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Newbie,

Go back and read Tamara's and KrazyKat's post again.

Then, stop saying what you are saying to your SO. If what you are saying to her seems to upset her, STOP saying it. When she pulls something off the rack at Walmart, tell her how pretty it will look on HER. When she comes home with a pretty new article of clothing, praise her to the sky. Don't wonder outloud about how it would look on you. Pull things off the rack for yourself and ask her if she thinks it will suit you. Maybe you should shop separately.
She needs some validation about her sex appeal, about her attractiveness, and about her identity. It's easy for her to assume that you feel it's all about you. I think you need to go out of your way, a bit overboard perhaps, to make her feel special. Don't let her get lost in all this.

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, I don't really mean to be hard on you. This is all very compicated for her. Cut her a LOT of slack.

Loviers,
Stephenie

[kittypw GG]

You are being selfish. She needs to have things be just about her. Don't you, at times, want it to be just about you? I have the same feelings. My hubby came with me to Younkers to pick out some jewlery to go with an outfit for a wedding we were attending that afternoon. Instead of offering up suggestions he dissapeared and I caught him looking at shoes in the adjacent department :Angry3: You see our time was limited and instead of being helpful he was thinking about himself. How would that make you feel? When we go on shopping trips for him, I don't go saying that would look pretty on me. No I devote my attention to him. I pick out things to try on get different sizes, suggest acessories. This is a balance issue. If you want her to make time for your little hobby then you need to give her back all that you are asking of her. Simple. Kitty

[Jean GG]

I love to do is to tell her how beautiful she is to me every day

If i was trying to be selfish i would not be making a thread on how to help her and how to be sensitive to her needs as well as my own.


It does not really matter how beautiful my husband says I am...my self esteem is impacted by his cd...unfortunately!!!

I hope you take the advice of the GG's as I agree with them regarding the selfishness. I have the same issue with my husband. When shopping is for him he gets my full attention, when it is for me, he pretends to be interested BUT only to the extend that he sees himself wearing it!

As to why you posted the thread...well I do believe that you are trying to help the two of you...unless you were simply looking for validation. Sometimes these responses have to be a bit harsh to sink in...sorry about that! jean

[CDsWifey GG]

Ok since this thread started over me I have to say something. Since he came out as a CD to me a few weeks ago, He has been mr sensitivity. Over-sensitive when it comes to my needs at times. Yesterday we were on our way to do our laundry it was like 5 loads and I yawned and said oh I dont feel like doing laudry. (who feels like doing laundry?) He made me go lay down and did it all himself. I haven't cooked a meal in a week. I think he is so grateful I have been accepting of this part of him he was so ashamed of...every thing I do is gold right now. :D

The shopping trips he is talking about we went shopping together to find new things for both of us, which is the only way he will get himself anything, 2 for me, 1 for him. I have a brand new line of cosmetics that cost more than this months groceries for the both of us, enough dress shoes for an army ( I rarely even wear dress shoes) and a bunch of new clothes so expensive Im afraid to take the tags off and keep feeling like we should take them back.

I keep telling him I want to know everything he is thinking and feeling at all times. This whole thing is about him feeling like half of himself has been unacceptable, inexpressable and secret for most of his life so I want him to know he can say anything to me. When he said that about the negligee at the store, it hit me really hard....I was planning on getting that for our wedding night. Maybe that shouldnt have made a difference but it did. I have had fun shopping with him and sharing in this with him but at that moment I thought why bother. I felt fat and ugly and like he didnt care. It was a passing moment I have told him not to worry about like a hundred times yet here he is posting because he wants to be open with me but not at my expense.

Last night after a few of these posts (which I do appreciate, I know all of you are trying to help us, especially me, to deal with all this ) I spent forever talking him back into CDing he felt like a terrible awful person who didnt deserve me and was not only going to not say those things anymore he was going to try to stop altogether just because he thought he was hurting my feelings.

I have had low self-esteem for a few years now and not for lack of trying on his part. He does tell me and show me every day how he sees me is beautiful and sexy but sometimes I just cannot make myself feel that way no matter what he does.This whole thing has been very hard on the way I feel about my own femininity but I personally don't think it is because of his insensitivity. While he is going to try not to say anything like that while shopping again ( couldnt talk him into it if I wanted to now :heehee: ) and I do feel it will help me to cope in the beginning when everything is still so new, I am trying very hard for him to feel he can talk to me about anything and everything he is feeling as that is whole point of all of this to us.

Bless his heart last night he was already in such a state I don't think he even really understood what you were all trying to say he just felt so bad already he thought he was under attack. I have had moments like that where no criticism felf constructive it just all feels mean. I made him quit typing until he gets up today because I knew he would have better luck understanding after he calmed down.

As for me I do understand it and I appreciate it very much. This is hard for me. I do feel unfeminine and unsexy. And sometimes I do need it to just be all about me. I appreciate all the advice on my behalf thank you all. I just didnt want everyone to get the wrong idea about him and how he is handling all this based on his limited ability to communicate thru reading/writing. It is hard for him to communicate sometimes and what little comes out can be misleading.

[SherryLynn GG]

When I first started reading this thread I was thinking like everyone else that he was being insensitive, but then I realized this is all new to the both of you. He's excited that you know about the CDing and he's excited that you 2 are going shopping. I remember when I first started accepting Paige's CDing HE WENT NUTS!! Everything was all about him/her. Wanted to go shopping and buy stuff, new make up, clothes everything. That soon changed when he realized it was bothering me.

Now when we go shopping we buy things for the both of us, and we both pick them out. Although ive never had to deal with picking something up that I wanted and him wonder how it would look on him. Mostly I think because Paige has a more sexy taste than I do. Short skirts are not my thing. :)

I do wanna say this though to the Wifey, Your husband thinks youre sexy and attractive!! He wouldnt be with you if he didnt. And one thing that makes a woman be even more attractive is her confidence. When I first found out about Paige I felt like I wasnt good enough or that he was gonna leave me cause I wasnt what he wanted. Once he reassured me that wasnt the case I am more confident now and have much better self esteem.

Of course me losing 40lbs has also helped that alot :)

Our men are lucky to have us. My husband once said to me "why would I leave you?? You accept me, thats something ive looked for all my life" And ya know he's right, he's one lucky man to have me :) Of course that isnt the only reason he's with me but its one of the many :)

So good luck to the both of you :)

[carol ann]

From what you have said, I believe you have been incredibly insensitive to your wife's feelings. Surely, you should realise that the the last thing your wife wants is a female competitor who is trying to look better than her in the same mode. if you wish her to continue to support then your clothes must not be the same - in fact they should be a contrast - right the way through from underwear to hairstyle, make up and shoes.

As you are already out to her - tell how you love her and ask her advice on what you should wear.

[CDsWifey GG]

I am not sure how I would feel about him having a contrasting look. (I have seen the look a lot of ppl on here choose for themselves and cannot even imagine him going there :heehee: )Actually I have kind of been flattered that everything he is drawn to or impressed by style-wise is also my style so far. Of course I have been the biggest female influence in his life for years and I am sure he will find his own style in time, but right now I am okay with him having simlar tastes to my own. (Not to mention besides his big shoulders and feet he is kind of built like me and there is only so much that looks right on the build we are sporting, trust me :rofl: ) Thank you for your argument on my behalf, though I am not sure if I view him as competition exactly, it is something to watch out for and avoid at all costs.:D

[Kimberley]

CDsWifey has been very supportive in all this i have done but it is hard for her to deal with how things have changed. The biggest issue is her own self image! She has low self esteem (even though she is beautiful) and now it seems like anything pretty she has if i say i wonder what it would look like on me it loses its appeal to her like i am always sposed to be turned on by the way i think she would look or know she looks in it. It has been so hard to explain to her even though i wanna see what it looks like on me that does not mean i do not love it when it is on her. I do not know or understand fully where this comes from in her I was just wondering if any one on here with a SO has had the same thing and what did they do to boost up there partner?
******
Just one word...

DUHHHHH!

(I know, I'm not usually sarcastic here but was there a choice? Really?)

Kimberley.

[Julie York]

It's always a bit confusing when someone's deep personal anxieties brings out their partners deep personal anxieties. It is an arms race to declare who was right first and who is being the most reasonable and accepting whilst both feel hugely uncomfortable.


If I addressed the person in your relationship with a deep feeling of insecurity....the person who needs comforting and support...the person who needs reassurance....the person all up in the air and confused because they can't do right for doing wrong...


Hey take your pick. You're as bad as each other.


:D

[Sarah Rabbit]

.


I have had low self-esteem for a few years now and not for lack of trying on his part. He does tell me and show me every day how he sees me is beautiful and sexy but sometimes I just cannot make myself feel that way no matter what he does.This whole thing has been very hard on the way I feel about my own femininity but I personally don't think it is because of his insensitivity. .

Wifey, I know there are alot of issues here but one stands out the most is regarding self esteem, and this goes for all of the other GG's out there. Stop reading 'Beauty Magazines' they are the number one source of Womens depression, and lately the Mens Mags are following suit. I read the Womens mags for the Stories and Ideas but do fall for the Marketing Ploys. So your not as thin or look as good as a Super Model, who cares, theres only 8 maybe 10 of them anyway and they have a whole legion of minders to keep up the Charade. Ladies I read with great interest what you write here and let me say your Beauty comes from your hearts of Gold.

Sarah R. :bunny:

[27th Jennifer]

I find this whole thread to be helpful to me, too. These are some potential issues that I can see happening with my wife (who doesn't know, but probably knows.) I hope the two of you are able to come to terms with it, and have some fun with it as well. My wife has expressed interest in FtM dressing, with me MtF and going to a drag club. I don't know if you two could do something like that, but maybe that is a way to have a good time. It's all about having fun.....

[Tracy_Victoria]

What do you expect her to feel like? You keep asking what her pretty things will look like on you, instead of respecting that they are her feminine things and she wants to keep it that way. She doesn't want to keep hearing you saying stuff like that, no wonder she feels the way she does. Stop being so selfish, she wants to feel pretty and sexy in them and she wants to hear you say that, what she doesn't want to hear afterwards is you saying 'I wonder what I'd look like in them'!!!! Jeeeezzzz......

Good point tamara.

As far as I am concerned the Golden rule of CDing with an understanding/semi SO, is get your own stuff! why make you partner feel her clothing is open season for you. I use nothing of Rakshas, from my makeup, to my clothes and we have different size feet anyway! but, I never use anything of hers, at all. I don't think I would even if offered, however she would be welcome to try anything in my wardrobe she wanted to use.

I think by expressing a desire to wear their outfits, it cheapens there specialness to them, We are individual, and as much as swapping wardrobes sound practical, I feel it's a must to have your own items. I think the best example I can give of this is a wedding dress, this is something of hers that is a reminder of her special day, just imagine how deflated she would feel to catch her husband walking arround in it. If it offered then fine, and this is just an example, the best one I can give to express this point. hence this is why Tracy has all her own clothes.

[CDsWifey GG]

I find this whole thread to be helpful to me, too. These are some potential issues that I can see happening with my wife (who doesn't know, but probably knows.) I hope the two of you are able to come to terms with it, and have some fun with it as well. My wife has expressed interest in FtM dressing, with me MtF and going to a drag club. I don't know if you two could do something like that, but maybe that is a way to have a good time. It's all about having fun.....



We have actually considered this there is a CD friendly club not too far from our town with drag queen shows and dancing we actually went in reg clothes years ago just for fun ( tho now his interest and excitement about the place is in a whole new light :heehee: ) we have been considering going back for his firts time out:D

[27th Jennifer]

We have actually considered this there is a CD friendly club not too far from our town with drag queen shows and dancing we actually went in reg clothes years ago just for fun ( tho now his interest and excitement about the place is in a whole new light :heehee: ) we have been considering going back for his firts time out:D

That's great! My wife and I are talking about going in drab first, to see which way the wind blows, and then we are planning on going out dressed for Halloween, and then maybe for other events at the local drag club. They have drag queen and drag king contests. Maybe that would be a good way for you BOTH to have fun with dressing up. Good luck!

[NewbieCD]

After much considerration on this i do not think the honesty that she asked for is the best policy and i will back off saying stuff about what she picks off of the racks and pick my own for a while but i do wanna let you all know i do not pick up and wear her stuff that is a boundary i know better if it is hers it is hers i have my own stuff bought my own stuff and will continue to buy my own stuff. I am not asking for anything of hers only wear what she offers and stay outta her stuff just like she would mine. I was just askin how to help make her see herself the way i see her while still bein honest like she asked me to be.

[lostmyhubby GG]

Dear CD's Wifey,
You described me to a T!!! I too have gone through the same things that you are going through....but not because Trisha is selfish as that she is totally not, she has given me the sun the moon and the stars even before i knew about her dressing.....but i too have the same sort of feelings of low self esteem and self hatred about my appearance......i cant explain why.
Its been hard dealing with Trisha's cd'ing but she is happy and i can deal with it as do my children who are 12 and 13. But my feelings about myself are the same....I used to dress sexy for her/him but now i feel it doesnt matter anymore, he/she tells me too i am beautiful and loves me with all her heart and i know she does with that i feel secure, but not better about myself. I dont think there would be anything he/she could do to make me feel better about myself...its my issue not hers.....i envy her and i am at times jealous that she is tall, thin and beautiful....and can wear beautiful clothes while i struggle to find something that doesnt look like it came out of my grandmothers closet in the plus size dept.......it sucks...and i am trying hard to change my thinking..and i am having gastric bypass surgery as i have too many health problems due to my weight.....so payback will be i soon will be wearing Trisha's skirts...and it brings on a whole new meaning to getting into her panties!!!!!!!
Keep your chin up....i see your pic..you are a beautiful woman, feel good about yourself i know its hard but we can be our own worst enemies and its hurtful to ourselves....and it makes it hard for our S/O's as well. Sometimes they get at their wits end too as they dont know what else they can do to help us or understand us.
Love each other for who you both are, make a list for yourself...what would make you feel sexy again, what would make you feel better? how can you change things, how can we all help? how can your S/O help.....
Good luck and you are beautiful!!! and i wouldnt tell you that if i didnt think so.....one thing is i am brutally honest and out spoken.
Love to you both
Lostmyhubby GG (Diane)

[CDsWifey GG]

Thank you so much for all the support...and all the compliments!!!:D I have been considering weight loss surgery myself, I too have health problems due to the weight ..there are a lot of things I can't do anymore and he has to do them for me or help (that doesn't do much for my pride either) I will keep everyone posted on what I decide right now I am trying to get back into the habit of eating healthy and taking care of myself again we both want to get healthier. He has been really supportive of it all and I don't know what I would do without him or all the understanding ppl like yourself that let me know I am not alone.

[Nike]

"Since he came out as a CD to me a few weeks ago, He has been mr sensitivity. Over-sensitive when it comes to my needs at times." CDsWifeyGG

Weeks. It has only been a very short time that you two are dealing with this as a couple. NewbieCD has had time to deal with the transgender issue. "Wifey" has not and is in the process now. There will be a period of adjustment for both of you.

Newbie is probably going to hit what I have for years called the "pink fog" if not already, where everything is girly, and it's for ME and it's for NOW. As CD's, Narcissus had nothing on us. Sometimes we think it's ALL about us. It's not.

Like a fine wine, it is to be sipped and relished, every drop savored for the texture, the aroma and the buttery, silky feel. Or, it can be consumed ravenously, but the results are an unpleasant hangover and lots of questions later like, "I didn't really do or say that, did I?"

Newbie, keep your "Wifey" first always in your heart and you'll always be first in hers whatever you are or are not wearing.

As for "Mr Sensitivity", that comes with the package with many CD's. We truly care, we deeply appreciate and know we are Blessed to have an accepting and understand wife.

There is only one pedestal in my life, and it is reserved for my Bride.

[Jean GG]

i too have the same sort of feelings of low self esteem and self hatred about my appearance......i cant explain why.

I used to dress sexy for her/him but now i feel it doesnt matter anymore

it sucks...and i am trying hard to change my thinking..)

Size does NOT matter!!! I feel the way these quotes describe and I am an American size 8-10...can wear beautiful clothes...beautifully...but none of that changes the way I feel...it's in the heart...BUT WHY??? I can't explain it either. I know this is NOT my thread but I would love to have other members take a shot at this (maybe I will start a new thread...! :) jean