Grrrr! I am at it again...

[DonnaD]

I cant believe that Im actually goint to crawl back into my shell and do nothing about my urges. I have no one person to speak to on this subject since I am a blue collar person and only meet more of the same. Its not like you can be standing at the lumber yard and strike up a convo with 3 other carpenters about dressing enfemme lol.

I am an emotional train wreck waiting to come round the bend, and the inevitable is about to burry me. A labotomy might be in order.

Sorry for the non-posting for a while but Ive been lost in thought lately and being here sometimes makes me feel bad, I mean I am in no way in or close to anyones league here, you're all decades ahead of me and at 32 the ball is only going to start rolling downhill quicker, testosterone is a harsh mistress and I think Im destined to remain "tom" till the piper calls.

I will be around this week more, I do get alot of help from you wonderful people here and hope to get closer to some more of you, I just feel intimidated at times and thusly get real shy.


Donna. :(

[DonnaT]

Hi DonnaD


I mean I am in no way in or close to anyones league here

How do you figure?


you're all decades ahead of me

In what way?

You may be way ahead of many of us. We are all different and dress at various degrees.

Many of us can only come here to this lovely forum and discuss our CDing. It would be nice to be able to sit down with collegues and discuss transgenderism, but it ain't gonna happen for many of us in our life time.

So don't feel you are alone.

[Celeste GG]

Donna you might be surprised about how many blue collar T-girls there are. Truckies seems to be top of the career list for ones I know. And my brother is a forester and thoug not a cd is a cd admirer and kinky as it comes and somehow he has ways of finding out who's into what!

I don't exactly chat about my Mistressing and bondage on T-girls either, I save it for those who I know will appreciate it. At least we have the internet these days!

Keep trying. At least if you feel something it means your not dead yet!

Celeste

[Sharon]

Donna,
You're not dressing to compete in a beauty contest are you? If this were a competition, do you think I would have the balls to show my photos?
You're a crossdresser because of that unexplainable urge you have to wear women's clothing -- no more, no less. While we all want to be passable on the street, or at least in our hearts, that isn't why we really need to do this.
Don't worry about being in anybody's "league." Just be all you can be and try to relax and enjoy it a little.
Love,
Sharon

[DonnaD]

No, I mean by saying youre all leagues ahead of me means that you all here seem to know exactly what to do, how to do it and when to do it, alot here seem very comfortable with your choices and basically seem pretty acclamated with your choices.

I on the other hand am not, no im not competing in a beauty contest and never would, it just seems like Im all over the preverbial map these days with no one to share impulses with or even ideas at that matter.

I dunno, I may have said too much, I apologize.


Donna

[DonnaT]

Apologize? For what? Said too much?

Not hardly!

If everyone here knew what to do, would we be here asking questions also?

No Donna, we are in the same boat. Our position in that boat may be different, but it is the same boat.

I'm not comfortable with all the choices I've made, especially recently with my wife. There is great anxiety that I may do something to set her to thinking bad thoughts of my CDing again, and then she'll head back to TX.

So it is a fine line I walk.

Don't be afraid to voice your concerns. Think of this as a large support group. Here to help you if we can.

[Nikki A.]

Donna there is nothing to apologise for. We are all over the map and you are not the only one who is confused or unsure of themself. We are all stifled by society around us, but you always have this forum to help you through.
You are not alone and let me tell you I wish I was 32 again(both waist and age). Have fun with it and don't worry about the future.

[Sharon]

No, I mean by saying youre all leagues ahead of me means that you all here seem to know exactly what to do, how to do it and when to do it, alot here seem very comfortable with your choices and basically seem pretty acclamated with your choices.

I on the other hand am not, no im not competing in a beauty contest and never would, it just seems like Im all over the preverbial map these days with no one to share impulses with or even ideas at that matter.

I dunno, I may have said too much, I apologize.


Donna

Sorry for misunderstanding you Donna, but now I'm even more certain that you're one of us. This forum exists almost solely so we girls have some place to be free to be us. I can only speak for myself, but almost everything about who I am makes me nervous and apprehensive.
I exploit this forum to my own advantage. I build the slight confidence I have on the strength I have gathered here from the other girls, just as they have done. And every day, I get a little bit stronger.
Again I say to you -- RELAX!
Sharon

[LauraB]

Donna
You are what you are
That will remain no matter how hard or much you try to hide it. What matters is that you are happy fulfilled and at peace. There are no prizes for the best looking CD only prizes for your own happiness and fulfillment. The prize is the feeling that you are complete which is something few men girls or Tgirls could ever claim


Be yourself and enjoy the ride take no notice of the sports car that races pass and do not feel Superior to the snails that you are and will leave behind your trail

All my love
Laura

[Rhonda Callahan]

I agree with the comments , we are all up and down the scale of not only CDing, but life in general. Collar color doesn't matter, skin color doesn't matter, just panty color ! Ha, Ha !!! You need a good dose, or maybe 10, of support, and this is the place to get it. You're welcome to e-mail me anytime, and I'm sure others would offer the same ! LOL

[Georgette]

I'm back.
Donna He put me in the box for a few days and you know what I think I will survive.
Yes we all have a common gaol on this site we are crossdressers and Damn proud of it, I trieed to give it up ,b ut today I'm going to my Therapist, and right now contemplating going enfemme, still kicking it around.
I don't know what you mean by saying we are decades ahead of you if in age don't bet the farm on it I am retired and have my medicare card so who is decades ahead of you in age only not in thinking Young.
Hang in there we are all with you.
LOVE & HUGS
Georgette

[MonaSmith]

Hi Donna,

I'm probably not the most qualified to give advice on any matter pertaining to this subject, but here goes.

I am about the same age as you and I was, up until a few years ago, in the construction industry. I have gone through the feelings of guilt, depression and self hatred, which it seems, is very common among us girls. I once had a 'purge', which I now understand is quite common, and didn't dress for almost 2 years. I grew my beard and body hair back and pretended that I was 'normal'. It didn't work and, on reflection, I don't know why I ever thought that it would. We are this way and to try to deny it and hide it away is very difficult and, I think, ultimately futile.

I got out of construction. Earlier this year I got a job working for the UK Home Office. I have long nails, which I keep painted, I have obviously shaped brows and I have noticeably hairless hands and arms. I even curl my eyelashes and use clear mascara. I have only had nice comments about my nails and only one woman that I work with has ever mentioned my arms, and that was just to find out how I get them that way. I am lucky, but some of that luck came from me wanting and pushing for more.

I don't think that you should have to change yourself to fit in with your circumstances, it should be the other way around. They should be adapted around you. It is alot easier said than done, I know, but I am finding that it is well worth the effort. You have to start to acccept yourself before expecting anyone else to.

As I said, I am not in a position to tell you what you should do, only what is starting to work for me, but I will say that finding this forum and the girls on it has made a really big difference for me. This place is a haven of great advice from amazing people. We are all here to help each other, please use us.

P.S. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel.

[DonnaD]

I appreciate all the nice replies, I dunno, I just cant seem to get going with the whole cd thing. For years all I "thought" I had was kind of a fetish for certain types of clothes like nylons and underwear, but over the last few years its WAY more than that, I want to go to the next phase whatever that may actually be is unknown to me since I have no one to talk to about this in my day to day goings on.

A face to face convo would rock at this point but it just seems like I'd either chicken out or come across way wrong, I brought this subject up to one friend that I have known since high school, her response? well lets just say that the convo was made 5 monthes ago and I havent heard from her since, no calls, no emails no nothing, and that really got to me, I kind of figured that if that happened with a friend that's known me for years how would anyone else react, me being who I am decided to stiffle it and make no more attempts at doing anything about it. Now what is happening is that usually any female I see I am SO jealous of how shes dressed it just about makes me queasy.

So, what do I do, stiffle it even more thinking that it will go away and stop haunting me, but it wont, its like a reoccuring dream that just sticks in my side like a blade, every time I see a well dressed female, that blade gets turned and shoved in deeper, and I go further into this pit of despair as I call it.

I think my new tag line should be:

Emotional train wreck waiting to happen.

Donna...

[MonaSmith]

Donna,

I really feel for you right now, I went through a period of feeling that way fairly recently, and I know that all the 'light at the end of the tunnel' speeches sound very hollow at the moment, but it is true and you have to hold on.

Talking about these things really does help and this site is full of amazing people, in similar situations, who are very willing to try and help you. Sometimes it is much easier to talk to someone who has no pre-conceptions about you rather than someone who has known you for years, as your friend's reaction is usually one of shock and that just makes the confession harder for both of you.

Please try not to beat yourself up about it all, it can get better but you have to stick with it.

[DonnaD]

I dunno, I need to go beat some angst out of myself tonight. I think for the rest of the evening I'll hole myself up in my workshop and take my 18 pound sledge hammer and destroy this rock thats beside my bench. I know it sounds weird, but I moved into this home and there was this large boulder in my back yard, I had it moved inside to use for stress relief. Its gotten ALOT smaller the past few weeks and I think tonight it will be a pile of small stones the way I feel.

It's either that or something else detrimental and I have to be at work in the am so I cant do that one and it would be real bad if I started drinking now, I have a notroious habbit for clearing out liquer cabinets when I'm upset and looking for more, all I get from that is a bar tab thats as long as my arm and late for work.

Thanks again all, I may check back in in a bit.



DonnaD

[DonnaD]

Well, I am back, decided to go out with the neighbor and get a few beers and shot some pool, didnt do anything for my mood really but at least got me out of the house for a while, he although did wonder why I was such a sour puss tonight. I just told him I was tired and that was about the jist of it.

It's pretty bad when a male other than myself realizes that there's something on your mind and you just can't go into the finer details. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I have to be at work at the crack O dawn.

Thanks again to you all for your kind words, they helped quite a bit.

Im still considering the frontal lobatomy tho <joke>

Habe a great night all!


DonnaD...

[Bonnie-OR]

Donna, as has been stated already, there is an entire curve of different girls here. From white collar to blue collar. From fully out girls in transition, to closeted beginners. One thing they will all tell you is this will never go away. If you try to make it go away, it will come back with a vengance and drive you nuts. I'm sure most girls will agree with me when I say, just go with the flow. Dress the way YOU want, and when YOU want. There are too many depressing things in life, use this as a way to escape, and have fun at the same time. Huggs, Bonnie.