Why Do I Try?

[Nikki A.]

On my day off, my wife and I went store hopping in between appointments. I let her pick the stores and she looked for things for herself, OK, while helping her I did keep an eye out for me too.
That night I asked her since I always have to ask to borrow her clothing(undies,bras and hose are my own and she knows about that) would it be OK if I bought an outfit of my own. She said that this issue drives us apart and that the answer is no and nothing else. This really hurt me in that I've tried to be supportive and willing to talk to her in her times of need.
Now, if I just go on my own I risk more trouble with her and if I ask again it is probably going to start an argument. Mind you, I'm not looking for anything expensive, just something that is mine. She lost quite a bit of weight and a alot of her older clothes do fit, some she said fit me better than they had fit her. There are some things that I do like but I have to ask if it is alright to wear what I pick. She does not like me wearing things of hers that she still uses(OK with that, boundaries). But I want something that I picked out and is mine.
Any suggestions, help and or advise is appreciated.
Thanks for letting me vent LOL

[Lily_gg]

How long has she known, and how 'ok' is she with your pantyhose etc? Plus, in what context do you wear them? - is it always in the context of dressing up with her, being 'naughty' with her, something just between you; or does she know it's something you like doing without her?

I ask all this because I want to leap in and tell you to take more time, it's something she's still coming to terms with, it can be scary, threatening, etc, but if the two of you have been working on this together for thirty-odd years and you've only got this far, maybe that wouldn't be the right advice?...

It could well be that she doesn't really like the idea of you in your own pantyhose etc, but is willing to be 'ok' with it if it means you don't go any further. You not having any other clothes of your own and having to ask to borrow hers gives her control over something that she has probably sensed is very big and uncontrollable for her, and thus scares her a lot. Have you ever sat down and thought about how far you want to go with all of this, and have you then talked to her about all of it?

I think that figuring out roughly where you see yourself going (d'you just want to dress up for her, fool around, undress; do you want to fully pass and leave the house sometimes; ditto, but regularly; remain physically male but pass fulltime; transition to '*******'; transition to female?...) would help greatly - if it's not very far, she'd probably cope if you sat seriously with her and explained it. If it's further, she may not be able to deal with it :(

You're right about going shopping on your own provoking arguments though, and assuming you don't want to do that, can you live with the frustration for a little while without letting it show too much?

Feel free to pm/email me with answers / more questions :rolleyes:

[Amelie]

This is known as "The Ole Ball and Chain". This is the same as guys who want to go fishing, hang out with the boys, basicly the woman rules and says no. This has been happening for generations. You have picked this situation by getting married to a woman that doesn't like dressing. Now it is togh to dress because of this.

The only thing I can think of, is some sort of compromise. You are both partners in life and each of you should have a say in the relationship. If not, then it is an unequal relationship and this will lead to seperation down the road. Wether it is over dressing or any other matter that comes between you both. Also you must understand how she feels and look at it from her view. And together you both must come to a happy arangement or you will be seperating and have wasted many years of unhappiness together.
Love Amelie

[Nikki A.]

She has known about my dressing since before we were married (16 yrs). I grant you then it was undies occasionaly at home and not at the level that it is now, but she knew.
Over the past few years it has become more of a constant that I have something femme on under my drabs. I guess that an ideal would be to remain male but be able to dress to pass. I have become more comfortable with my feeling, no more being ashamed or that they are wrong. As far as gong out dressed it would only be in a situation that it would be accepted (gay,cd bar) since there is no way that I think that I could pass in public. I've tried to let her know what I feel and I try to see her side of things and reach a compromise, but how can you negotiate with a brick wall.
I do love my wife and my family dearly, I'm not looking to cheat on her, I hate lying and keeping secrets from them. I feel that if I don't find some way out that I'll end up doing something dumb and ruin all that we've done together.

[DonnaT]

Tough situation. I would suggest you don't worry about getting in an argument, sit down, and ask her, "What's the problem with me buying something of my own?"

You have the underwear already, you wear fem clothes already (hers now yours), so find out what her problem is with you buying your own things.

If it's a money issue, then discuss how you'd buy something only if it is reasonably priced, on sale, or found at a thrift store.

If it's not money, then you need to find out what it is.

[Lily_gg]

I'll second Donna's opinion, with the caveat that you do so sensitively...

Arrange a time when the two of you can sit down together quietly, no interruptions whatsoever, maybe get a nice meal in, and just sit and talk over that, maybe just sit with nothing at all to distract you, maybe go somewhere 'neutral' like a nearby park that neither of you ever visit etc. When you're organising this time, make sure she knows it's because you want to discuss all this, and then just tell her that you want to understand what it is that she doesn't like about the idea (asking what she doesn't like rather than why she won't let you or something will make it sound more like you're concerned about her, and lessen the chance of argument/upset).

My gut feeling is still that she's scared how far this will go - she's seen it develop from just knickers to fully dressed, I'm thinking she doesn't want to see it going as far as her ending up with a wife...

Good luck! *hugs*

[Celeste GG]

She has a brand new outfit and You want to wear it??? That would be like asking my husband to let me be the first to drive his brand new car!!

Women should get to be in charge of something!

Maybe you can experiment with being more submissive and letting her be the dominant partner in this type of situation. She can be in charge of what you will wear and when you will wear it. Tell her that it is part of you but you want her to help you. Negotiage to start with. eg Be allowed to wear something girlie ( as It relaxes you ;) at least .... times a week. She will choose or allow you to choose something. If you are a good boy.

If you put her in control of your dress, style ect I can almost guarentee, she will go out and buy you something special!

If not give her my email address and I'll fix her.

Celeste

[Chrissycd]

it's likely that cding makes your wife feel insecure, so she tries to control it so she can regain some of that lost strength she feels in the relationship when you dress. I don't know enough, she may actually like that you dress to some extent, but either way, she just isn't comfortable and being bossy might be the only way she knows to maintain some confidence that she can know what's what in your relationship. She needs to be reassured that your cding isn't going to cause you to turn into someone she will not like anymore. That insecurity needs to be cut off at the pass, like yesterday. The best thing I think you can do is treat her like a queen so she realizes how much you love her, and then she'll have less fear that you are somehow going to change and leave her behind. (Plus, sometimes I think the ggs get jealous of the bling bling we spend on our clothes, especially when we buy nicer things than they have in their closet. Maybe every time you buy something new, she does too! That way you both get a reward out of it.)
:)

[Lily_gg]

I'm going to admit to potential jealousy! Thinking about it, it would really upset me if he went out and bought nice things for himself, then came back home and told me that he couldn't afford for us to go to dinner or whatever. Or never bought me anything nice (he has more money than me, so is likely to be able to afford to treat himself more often than I can treat myself)...

:o

[curiousnomore9]

How do I chat with you? That is so not fair..... is there a way to chat like through instant messaging?

[Lily_gg]

Who are you trying to chat with curious? There are various options - you can private message or email someone, asking if they're on any kind of instant message channel (don't pester people if they make it clear they're not interested though!), some people use the chatroom that's got a link at the top of this site, or you can just post on here - you'll get replies, guaranteed! :p

[Nikki A.]

Girls understand. Whatever she likes she buys. I have not really denied her anything within reason. Whatever I would or have bought for myself was under $20 (shoe are the most expensive) except for jeans. She knows I would not spend alot of money for whatever I bought, I just want something that is mine.