Re-evaluating my husband's cd needs...

[Jean GG]

My husband and I are doing a lot of soul searching. Please bear with me...:)

He says I never made him feel uncomfortable about his cd and that he only felt uncomfortable once while dressed in my company. If anything...he says I bought him too many things and that it would have been best if I had only bought him one thing every four months or so...hu!

Also, he says he truly misses NOT being able to be around other crossdressers as that helped him feel that he was not alone'. I can understand this. What to do??? If any of you saw my earliest threads you understand why I am against him going to cd clubs and Unfortunately there are no support groups where we live...and little chance of starting one.

What we are thinking is that MAYBE WE COULD FORM SOME FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER CD'S (husband & wife) where cd can take place privately in our homes, over drinks or dinner.

Now...I am NOT totally comfortable with this option at this time for many reasons. BUT, if we were to explore it...WHAT SUGGESTIONS WOULD YOU HAVE FOR US???

The reason I am contemplating this idea is that I want to do all I can to see if I can truly help my husband, to see if this makes enough of a difference to overcome some of our problems. Because of what I learn on this forum...I feel less threatened than I did when I first joined (A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO RESPOND AND PM ME...YOU ALL MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE!!!).

Thank you once more, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your responses...jean

[Calliope]

What we are thinking is that MAYBE WE COULD FORM SOME FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER CD'S (husband & wife) where cd can take place privately in our homes, over drinks or dinner.


Does your area have one of those print weekies with the personals in the back? Perhaps you could find a couple that way, set up (in advance) an hour meet (neutral terriority) and see if there's any chemistry. My guess is that the couples should be able to converse happily on topics outside dressing or else the whole endeavor might seem more like therapy than friendship.

Good luck, your idea is pretty brave.

[Billijo49504]

I'm sorry, I really don't understand what he is looking for. Most of the CD population would love to have a particapating wife. Mine is and I love her very much. She is very supporting. I don't really need interaction with other CD'ers, other than here on this forum. This is, as you know, a very safe site.
After rereading your post, I think you are ready to jump through hoops to make your husband happy. I just don't think he is willing to meet you half way. He has the problem, not you. But you both seem to be haveing a problem. Is he hoping to have a sexual experience? If so I think it's wrong. He is married, and that means to forsake all others, you might have to remind him. If you have any churches that are supportive of the GLBT crowd, check with them, for support groups. Try doing a google. And if you haven't guessed,Jean, I'm very married and very faithfull to the lady I married 21 yr ago. I wish you the best...:hugs: ..BJ

[Elysia]

What two married people agree to between themselves is for them to decide. That they negotiate an agreement that is acceptable to both is what’s important. I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable but what I think is not at all relevant. It’s what you and your husband think that matters.

Does the average cross-dresser need to be able to hang around in bars with other cross-dressers to be happy with life? That’s not been true for me. Does the average cross-dresser need some reassurance that they are not an appalling aberration? I do. But, I have found that an understanding wife, which thankfully I have, and some occasional interaction with other cross-dresser in venues such as this site have been sufficient. Still, that’s just me.

It may also be worth considering this; cross-dressing is a pretty significant factor in a person’s life but it is not the only factor. The cross-dressing factor gets lots of attention because it’s sensational. Even so, I’d guess there are plenty of cross-dressers who would not consider cross-dressing their most important or most defining characteristic.

[Joy Carter]

Jean with me I want to be with other gurls because I want relationships with those who are of a like mind. I hope I'm not disappointed but I have met some quality gurls here and hope to do some socializing soon. The get together sound good but you need to establish the friendship before you let anyone into your home. I have never been out and it's a scary proposition but also walking into a strange place while dressed and not know is another. I have been invited to a club with other gurls so I'm on the line about going. Maybe you both should go to a club together in you civilian dress and see what goes on.

[Lisa Golightly]

I think where the majority of your early feelings and experiences are agnst driven there is a tendency when you have no reason to hide to ponder... is that it then? Is that all there is to it all?

My last girlfriend bought me lots of presents which I felt guilty to accept... in my case I was really financially pushed and was upset I couldn't give her such lavish things... Maybe the desire to be bought fewer things stems from the fact that we cherish those special gifts. I still have hers in plain view in the bedroom although we are strangers now. The memories that go with them are more important than the gift... Special.

I think a dinner would be an ideal thing, but I think you'd be wise to meet on neutral territory to begin with. I've always been cautious, and have met people outside of my day to day life first. A friend of mine who runs a changeaway always invites me to her dinners (I never go though... I always suspect she offers inorder to drum up trade... I've always tried to avoid Z list celebrity status). I meet most cd's in the studio where I take their photos... they have fun dressing up and 'posing' ;) I guess for them to be with me and others makes them comfortable due to their shared experience... Similar to any form of sisterhood.

Familiarity often breeds comfort.

I guess that's what your husband wants... normality. I know that sounds in its own way odd, but that's how we feel. When people fuss around me I always feel they do so because they are not truly comfortable. I don't mind that as it takes time for many people to see behind the makeup :)

[Deborah_UK]

Jean,

Think of it also from your own perspective, not just your partner's.

If the idea is to meet another couple, then it will also give you the opportunity to chat with someone in exactly the same position as you, a partner or wife who might also welcome the opportunity to interact, to discuss mutual likes, dislikes, and, importantly, have a bit of a laugh about what your partners get up to, I'm sure you'd have a few stories to tell. :thumbsup:

It might make the experience of being the wife/partner to a crossdresser less solitary.

But I'd certainly go with one of the earlier suggestions, obviously the initial meeting should be at a neutral venue, but you never know you might just end up making some great new friends.

[Tiana]

it's obvious you love your husband very much and having a crossdressing husband, as my wife would tell you can be very confusing at times. I have gone through periods of guilt despite my wife reassuring me that she is ok with the dressing up.
To have a supportive wife like you makes him (as I am) a lucky man indeed and the important thing is to talk about all aspects of his c/d including how he deeply feels about you when he is dressed and when he is not.
I know if I had not been completely open about my c/d then we would have had problems but you have to carry on being open, that way we have found it actually brings us closer as a couple.
Off course everyone is different but talking is the key. keep smiling because you both have one thing major going for you, love, good luck LOVE TIANA

[Jean GG]

I'm sorry, I really don't understand what he is looking for.
Is he hoping to have a sexual experience?

Thank YOU Billijo!!! I DO NOT believe he is looking for a sexual encounter. If he were, he would NOT need me for it...as he could easilyt to that on his own!

I have only met one other cd that he knew and it helped me too because he seemed very balanced in his life. I suppose I would not mind socializing with someone like him...and possibly his wife BUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MORE!!! :) jean

[Jean GG]

Does the average cross-dresser need to be able to hang around in bars with other cross-dressers to be happy with life? That’s not been true for me. Does the average cross-dresser need some reassurance that they are not an appalling aberration? I do. But, I have found that an understanding wife, which thankfully I have, and some occasional interaction with other cross-dresser in venues such as this site have been sufficient. Still, that’s just me. [/FONT][/FONT]
Thank YOU Elysia!!! Maybe it's time I ask him to join this forum...maybe! Thus far it's been my private heaven! jean

[Jean GG]

Maybe you both should go to a club together in you civilian dress and see what goes on.

Joy...another great suggestion...scary...but good! :) jean

ps. Had no problem with it BEFORE married...I rather enjoyed TV shows (NY, SF...).

[Jean GG]

I think where the majority of your early feelings and experiences are agnst driven there is a tendency when you have no reason to hide to ponder... is that it then? Is that all there is to it all?
Sorry Lisa...not sure what you mean here...:)

Separately...bought him lots of things at the beginning because he DESPERATELY needed an upgrade...if he wanted to dress around me. I hope I don't sound defensive, but he liked them too...says I have good taste and was always happy...:)

[Jean GG]

It might make the experience of being the wife/partner to a crossdresser less solitary.
You are right...it would...but still find it scary as everybody knows everybody in this small place...hence the question as to how to discreetly find people with the same intellectual needs and platonic intentions as us. :) jean

[Jean GG]

the important thing is to talk about all aspects of his c/d including how he deeply feels about you when he is dressed and when he is not.
That is a very good question...thank YOU Tiana!!! Firstly he always said that even when he is dressed...he is still the same person: A man, my husband. Secondly...that maybe I could participate...but how??? And I don't mean Sex :) :) jean

[Tracy_Victoria]

My husband and I are doing a lot of soul searching. Please bear with me...:)

He says I never made him feel uncomfortable about his cd and that he only felt uncomfortable once while dressed in my company. If anything...he says I bought him too many things and that it would have been best if I had only bought him one thing every four months or so...hu!

Also, he says he truly misses NOT being able to be around other crossdressers as that helped him feel that he was not alone'. I can understand this. What to do??? If any of you saw my earliest threads you understand why I am against him going to cd clubs and Unfortunately there are no support groups where we live...and little chance of starting one.

What we are thinking is that MAYBE WE COULD FORM SOME FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER CD'S (husband & wife) where cd can take place privately in our homes, over drinks or dinner.

Now...I am NOT totally comfortable with this option at this time for many reasons. BUT, if we were to explore it...WHAT SUGGESTIONS WOULD YOU HAVE FOR US???

The reason I am contemplating this idea is that I want to do all I can to see if I can truly help my husband, to see if this makes enough of a difference to overcome some of our problems. Because of what I learn on this forum...I feel less threatened than I did when I first joined (A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO RESPOND AND PM ME...YOU ALL MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE!!!).

Thank you once more, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your responses...jean

Hi Jean

This thing is all about finding a balance, certainly if your in a relationship with another person. I can understand what your husband says about you buying him things, but there again, that surely is also to be taken as a sign of truely trying to accept. My partner has bought me one fem item and that item is so special to me, ie it was taken as a gift, yet acknowledges as a form of her accepting my desire to dress. (i'm not saying here I want more from her, that not the case) just that little things count, and therefore it was very special.

There are local support groups most places, but normally there well hidden, sadly it sort of a underground network, due to the way people view this! However having been to a couple of meeting years ago, I can say there is a flip side to the good, and you must understand that for every full dressing TV that look stunning, or convincing, there will be the opposite end as well, ie those that throw a dress over there jeans and of course the panty wearers, and (normally) where ever there are tv's there will be there admirers hanging out as well!

I'm not running anyone down here, as this hobby really is an each to there own thing, and thats not a problem, but what I'm saying is sometime the spectrum can be extreamly wide, and sometime frustrating, certainly if your views are miles away from the others arround you.

What I'm trying to say here is this is not like a bunch of football supporters meeting for a beer! Ie get on coach, drink beer, watch game, all support and cheer on same team, drink more beer, and then go home. In taking this in to a social aspect, you have to be prepared to meet alsorts of people and that makes the meeting thing all the more difficult. to give you one example I attended a meeting once fully dressed, having spent the best part of an hour and a half getting ready, yet I found it very difficult to understand a guy I spoke to who threw a smock over his male clothes and to him that was dressed. (please understand I'm not belittling the guy for his actions or his attire) just that to me, I could not understand what pleasure he gained from this, as my own mind is programed to all or nothing mode!

I think you idea of meeting like minded people is a good one, but you must and will have to work arround other factors, ie people have children, and comitments, but I'm sure there are others like you about, and really thats what I am trying to get at, that it only when you can share your views with others, can you see there are good things to be achieved from crossdressing, and I'm sure it possable to find some good friends if you search, but remember we are all different, and it maybe a long search till you find just what your really looking for, because this thing has a wide spectrum of followers and even wider (okay totally unwritten) book of rules and guideline, so you going to meet all sorts in your quest.

good luck all the same

[Kate Simmons]

Jean, If I lived close to you folks, I would come over to visit, first as Richard to talk about things with both of you and then if he needed a listening ear to your husband as some of this stuff is "touchy" and men have a hard time expressing their concerns with their wives (I know!). After that, if you cared to invite me over as Ericka, I would be open to it. You have to realize with myself, I'm comfortable either way and can relate to others in both modes. In any case, I feel talking is important and the most important thing is your relationship with each other. It's always about choice and it's better to mutually agree on something first. Although we haven't met, I can tell you are both great people and care very much for each other. It's nice to know that some couples are willing to do whatever it takes to work things out. Ericka

[rosiegurl]

this may sound like a silly question, BUT...

you say you are re-evaluating his needs as a CD, thats all well and good, and I don't think you'll find one single person here who thinks it's a bad thing, but does your husband even know his needs??

for most, when they first come out to SO's/family/friends it is a very scary time, and you have to remember, this is probably his first chance to take it out and look at his own desires in the light of day instead of hiding them and feeling guilty etc.. about them.

I haven't had chance to read all of your previous threads yet, as I haven't been keeping up with my reading *grins* so excuse me all if I say something thats already been said previously somewhere.

it may just be that you are moving to fast for him at the moment, as he comes to terms in himself as to what he is, and this desire and terror of metting others could simply be his way of looking for someone in the same situation to talk to, a sympathetic ear. and I think everyone is terrified the first few times outside their comfort zone, whether it be shopping or dressing infront of you.

I would say this though, the fact he has told you about it means he wants you to be a part of that side of his life. I wouldn't give up on him, cause even if he isn't ables to express his need's/desires in that area for you to understand, he does have them *grins*

I know my SO would love to meet with another couple like us, but we are in the same situation as you, nothing local, good hour or 2 drive to find the nearest CD friendly bar at least *grins*

my advice, give him room and encouragment, and the occasional nudge to explore himself, but let him work himself out. He knows where you are, and that you love and support him in this, and he will come to you

[MsJanessa]

There are groups of basically heterosexual crossdressers and their spouses such as Tri ess, Tiffani Society etc. which cater to the type of thing you are refering to in your post---social get togethers with CDs and their wives. If you live in an area where such a club is active, then you and he should check it out. The other alternative is to look at various sites on line and in the print media--I'm sure you can find other CDs and maybe even couples that you could socialize with. Reading between the lines of your post, I get the sense that what you are worried about is maybe your spouse meeting somebody that he/she wants to have sex with(an understandable concern on your part by the way) If you decide to go the internet route you should be clear up front that what you are looking for is social compansionship and not a sexual relationship(assuming that's true) This will avoid disappointment and hurt feelings later on. ps--if you were to find a hetero group where the wives participate you probably wouldn't have to worry much about extra curricular sexual involvement. Good Luck