So many Questions?

[Belinda46]

To all of you lovely people, thank you so much for the welcome I received on the intro forums the other day. I has taken a bit of thought as to how to start posting but here it goes....
As the Title states,,, So many questions...

1) Why am I, a 46 yr old male, married nearly 29 yrs sitting here in 3" sandals,panties,stockings,bra and slip, and such a gorgeous blonde wig..
2)At 6'3" and currently 275 (and going down everyday), who do I really think I am fooling dressing like this, hair from the waist up nearly everywhere, and a mustache to boot, (more on that in a later question)
3) Why did it take nearly 20 yrs and as close to a nervous breakdown as I have ever been to come out to my wife and confess that sometimes I like to wear womens clothes, through nearly an hour of tears, hers out of concern for me and what I was going through and mine just because as long as I can remember I have never cried, except for the birth of our two children.....
4)I maintain an upper level management job with a growing company where our future looks wonderful...its just gonna take a little time and a lot of hours and hard work to get there....I already work 12 to 15 hrs a day 6 and sometimes 7 days a week..
5) I am an officer on my local fire dept.???? I know what to wear when the tones go and it wont be my 3" suede boots.....
6) I have had two makeovers out of town long weekends, nights out to a very tg friendly bar, met some great people and had a wonderful time,,, and came home feeling guilty....
7) Tri-ess meeting last fall again another makeover and meeting in fact spent the whole weekend in chicago enfemme and loved every second of it...more guilt coming home to a wife that just has such a hard time looking at her big old bear clean shaven.....face that is,,,she loves the stache...
8)I am everyones go to person for everything "go to him he will fix it"... Everyones rock, the one constant in so many lives and a grandson that will spend every second with me coping my every move,,,2 1/2 yrs old are so fun...
9) What is up with me???????

I really dont expect answers to all those questions but if you might know some I wouldnt mind hearing...
I really wanted to hear others thoughts and see what they may be going through...
Thank you all for listening
:rolleyes:

[GypsyKaren]

Belinda, you're just a person, probably a nice one at that, who has a need to express a side of you that many consider different. When you really think about it, what's wrong with that? You're not stealing from the collection plate at church, you're not running through alleys setting fire to garbage cans, you're just fullfiling a need that comforts you. So relax, sounds to me like you're doing just fine with life, I think many should envy you.

Karen

[Calliope]

Hi Belinda,

I am 46, too, with two kids (and a layer of Nair on my arms as I type this) ...



Why am I, a 46 yr old male, married nearly 29 yrs sitting here in 3" sandals,panties,stockings,bra and slip, and such a gorgeous blonde wig..


Why wouldn't anyone wonder what it's like on the other side of the 'unity of opposites'? It's reincarnation. It's the possibility there is something between XX and XY. It's biological poetry (compare the colors in the men's and women's clothes departments).




7) Tri-ess meeting last fall again another makeover and meeting in fact spent the whole weekend in chicago enfemme and loved every second of it...more guilt coming home to a wife that just has such a hard time looking at her big old bear clean shaven.....face that is,,,she loves the stache...


Get it together with the wife and you've probably got it made. I suspect you (two) will do it, too.

[Joy Carter]

Belinda Just learn to accept your self you will be far better for it.:hugs:

[noname]

New myself as well. Don't really consider myself a total cd'er, but I won't go into all that. I can't answer all your questions but I did do a lot of reading on the subject.

"3) Why did it take nearly 20 yrs and as close to a nervous breakdown as I have ever been to come out to my wife and confess that sometimes I like to wear womens clothes, through nearly an hour of tears, hers out of concern for me and what I was going through and mine just because as long as I can remember I have never cried, except for the birth of our two children....."

I'm not going to try to sum up the article but here is a good read. It is one of many theories.

long version
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/anima.htm

short version
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/abs_ani.htm

"4)I maintain an upper level management job with a growing company where our future looks wonderful...its just gonna take a little time and a lot of hours and hard work to get there....I already work 12 to 15 hrs a day 6 and sometimes 7 days a week.."

imho sometimes no money is worth it. I know I could never work that much. For me, my time is worth a lot to me.

"8)I am everyones go to person for everything "go to him he will fix it"... Everyones rock, the one constant in so many lives and a grandson that will spend every second with me coping my every move,,,2 1/2 yrs old are so fun..."

I suggest taking it slow, sounds like this could involve a lot of people. You may want to start to widthdraw from non family obligations, if anything to give yourself some breathing room. But what would I know.

I also find it sick what society has imposed on us guys. In essence, force us to be someone we are not.

[Joy Carter]

I also find it sick what society has imposed on us guys. In essence, force us to be someone we are not.[/QUOTE]

YUPER !!!!!!!!!:D

[Karren H]

9) What is up with me???????

:rolleyes:


You sound very nornalish to me!! Like there is a typical crossdresser MO.....

Love Karren

[Belinda46]

Thank you all so much for the words of advice and encouragment... It is so good to know that I am not alone...

Noname I did read the links you provided and they do seem to explain things a bit in fact tonight later I think the wife and I will sit down and read them togather...

And on that subject what a wonderful wife I have, she has been supportive to a point, she has said that at this time she isnt quite ready to meet Belinda yet, but if I have the need for some alone time to just let her know and she will give me all the space I need.. In fact last Sunday we ran into wally world for a couple of things she needed and on the way in I asked her what she thought about some clear nail polish and my own lady shick razor... she said not a problem at all I will pick them up for you.. Well not only did she pick those up but she also go me my own can of shave gel and some moisturizing body wash, and some nail polish for my toes...nearly nude but it is something, it actually meant a lot to me...
Karren I must admit I am quite envious of all the ladies who post here such lovely figures and faces you all do such a spectacular job... Someday maybe..who knows maybe I will get the courage for a pic or two,,,
Thank you again Joy, GypsyKaren, DayTripper, for the encouraging words..:hugs: Belinda

[Wenda]

Hey Belinda, Rockford is a great town, it means you are OUT of the Chicago traffic! You sound very familair to me! I am not quite as tall, not quite as heavy, the go-to guy for family, friends, co-workers, etc. Maybe it is our need to withdraw from the 'go-To' somewhat macho image that we need. I don't have answers, but I do believe that what you are feeling is not abnormal, just confusing. Just because you find happiness in dressing, it doesn't mean you are weak or less masculine. Belinda is a separate identity from your male person. Belinda is there for a reason. She has to do what she does best, probably providing a refuge for 'the guy'.

[Belinda46]

Wenda, thank you for responding and I believe your insight hits very close to home. I have had that thought already and maybe was a bit nervous about admitting it.
Belinda does provide a very nice relaxing escape from everything that seems to be happening around me, and it seems a bit ironic that she is not there all the time, just now and again, sometimes not as strong as others and yet other times she makes herself quite known...( I dont think I can relate it directly to stress per se, sometimes boredom????? if that makes sense?) Even sometimes with all I am doing there seems to not be enough on my plate as one would say, I love being busy, and staying active...
again thank you.
:hugs:
Belinda

[Miss Vicki]

Hello Belinda and welcome to the forum.
I do not post too often because these girls have a better way of expressing thier views then I do. I mostly sit back and read. However, I do want to let you and your wonderful, accepting wife know that you are not the only out there that have this hobby. I live in Cherry Valley and have a busy life also that takes most of my time during the day and evening.
During the winter I have more time to dress and enjoy and the summer is busy with helping others and working around the city.

Good luck and keep posting.

[Charleen]

Welcome Belinda, As time goes on you will find a balance to live with, and find comfortable. Our lives being CDs can get complicated. I am working 5 days and 6 nites right now, have a house and dogs to take care of on my own, but it's o.k.. I love my job, take care of personal business, and still have time to get on this infernal machine to talk to my sisters and girlfriends. Let me tell you this forum is a life line. Give yourself time to sort out things. Being who you are is the key. If your more comfortable with the 'stache for now, so be it. I know how you feel. H a 'stache and beard most of my life and shaved them Sunday. For me it was time, so give yourself time and stay away from the coulda, woulda, shoulda's and you'll be able to sort things out. Love and xxxx,Lily

[Sophia Rearen]

Belinda, welcome. I have come to realize just how fragile the human brain can be. Just because you see yourself as a big guy doesn't mean that that is how you are supposed to feel. The emotional brain will always beat the intellectual brain. If your emotions are saying I want to feel feminine, guess what? You're going to don that dress and heels. Just relax and enjoy being a bbw. You really have no other choice.

[Belinda46]

Miss Vicki (waving to the east) hey neighbor... its nice to hear from a local girl, someone close to chat with and get advice from maybe even go shopping with someday? lol Really it is very reassuring to know that I am not alone in this, there are others, and seemingly lots of others. Thank you for responding.

Lilly you are so right about things getting so complicated. It sounds as you are nearly as busy as I am, that really doesnt help. And yes I guess you are right take it slow and I am sure if I open my mind I will eventually find that balance. And as far as these machines lol they have really gove me some great insight, information I dont think I could have found anywhere else..I love them.

Sophia,
You are so right, there are times that I really have no choice, it seems it gets to the point I dress or get so depressed, confused etc etc, that I will go crazy. If it is coming from the emotional brain, then let it be, I have never really thought of it that way but that does seem to make sense.
But just to put on that dress and heels and enjoying being a bbw? Oh sure easy for you to say (You and all the stunningly beautiful ladies here) you really know how to make a girl jealous, why cant I look that good lol.
Thank you so much, and hope to get to know all of you better..

:hugs:
Belinda

[Dixie Darling]

Belinda,

Since you seem to have a supportive wife who is willing to educate herself on the subject of crossdressing, I invite her - as well as you - to visit my web site. You both will find quite a bit of information there that is specific to the wives, to the crossdressers, and some that is common to both. It's a clean site so you don't need to have any concerns about seeing anythng that would be an embarrassment to you. It's possible that you may find answers to some of the questions you've asked in your post

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[EricaCD]

I think we can go through these summarily...

1. You are a perfectly normal male who crossdresses!

2. You're probably not fooling anyone, but who cares if you enjoy the way you feel?

3. Because this is an extremely difficult thing for us to divulge, even if our feelings about our own crossdressing are not compromised by personal guilt or shame. Good for you for having shared this with your wife!

4. That's a lot of work. Remember that family is still the number 1 priority. But that said, it's great that your job has a positive future.

5. Good for you (both for being a fireman and for having the sense not to wear suede to a fire).

6. Sorry you are still feeling guilty for indulging your fem side. Read here on the forum, reflect, give yourself time, and stop asking "why" - you are implicitly loading a negative value judgement into the questio "why" (i.e., you are really asking "what's wrong with me" when there is nothing wrong).

7. You and your wife may need to spend more time negotiating boundaries. I lost my beard a while back (even though wife liked it), but am doing my best to balance her preferences as to my male look with what I like to become en femme.

8. I don't see a question here, so I will ask YOU a question: Why should your preference for fem attire in any way change the rest of who you are?

9. (Mechanic closes hood, looks at customer who is wearing a pretty skirt, rubs greasy hands on overalls, and says:) "Lady, ain't nothing wrong here. Everything is working perfectly normally."

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Erica

[QZ2]

Belinda, I am sure if you asked every one of us you would find that we have all had the same doubts about ourselves at one time or another. I had them big time along with all the guilt, depression and even at times disgust with myself.

But then one day I stumbled across this forum and it changed my life. I found that I am not alone, not stupid, not gross, not sexually depraved. I found that I am more normal than I thought, and that there is a way to look at my crossdressing as just another part of myself.

I am now quite comfortable with being a CD'r and am at peace with myself and the dualness of my personality. Listen to what we all have to say about ourselves and you will find that you will be able to lose those doubtful feelings and rid yourself of a lot of the guilt that you carry.

Love, Suzie

[Tiffy]

Thank you all so much for the words of advice and encouragment... It is so good to know that I am not alone...

Noname I did read the links you provided and they do seem to explain things a bit in fact tonight later I think the wife and I will sit down and read them togather...

And on that subject what a wonderful wife I have, she has been supportive to a point, she has said that at this time she isnt quite ready to meet Belinda yet, but if I have the need for some alone time to just let her know and she will give me all the space I need.. In fact last Sunday we ran into wally world for a couple of things she needed and on the way in I asked her what she thought about some clear nail polish and my own lady shick razor... she said not a problem at all I will pick them up for you.. Well not only did she pick those up but she also go me my own can of shave gel and some moisturizing body wash, and some nail polish for my toes...nearly nude but it is something, it actually meant a lot to me...
Karren I must admit I am quite envious of all the ladies who post here such lovely figures and faces you all do such a spectacular job... Someday maybe..who knows maybe I will get the courage for a pic or two,,,
Thank you again Joy, GypsyKaren, DayTripper, for the encouraging words..:hugs: Belinda

Belinda honey, please do not think we are all small and little with a great figure. I get the idea you feel you should not dress becuause you may not pass. Honey, I am a third generation lumberjack and stand 6' tall and 340 pounds. I could not pass ever. But yet i dress and went to the edge of no return with menal issues. Depression which I still fight with every day. You sound very normal to me dear. My wife is very supportive and a huge fan of my dressing. Which has kept me sane and from going over the edge. I think that your wife will walk through this with you right beside you. Best wishes girl friend.

April Marie

[Michelle_cd_girl]

Belinda, thank you so much for sharing. I think you've struck a familiar chord in many of us. The struggles, the questions that either we've faced before now, or are currently facing. The joy, the guilt, the judgments, the battle within. The spousal quandary. You seem to have been fortunate enough NOT to have casualties of this war inside (like a string of ex-wives).

I would suspect your own desire to dress is very strong, since it appears that your daily gender expressiveness is very polarized in the male direction. Sometimes that's a chicken & egg syndrome - it's the choices we make to reinforce our maleness (often for self-reassurance along the way) that ultimately have to be compensated for somewhere else, like a karmic debt between genders within us.

I'm in the fire service as well, although in a different role from you. Needless to say, my self-expression of Michelle would be a career limiting move, if it were ever discovered. Not so much because of any lack of equity legislation or guidelines, but because of human nature, perception, ignorance, and fear. If some of the guys I work with saw a picture of me as Michelle with no CD reference, they probably wouldn't recognize me and they may well think I'm an attractive girl.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing... and that if your writing is any example of your communication skills, you'll do well at alleviating any fears your wife may battle in this. Just keep the channels open and don't fall into the trap of thinking "now it's out in the open it's ok and it's been addressed" because it can be hard to talk about.

Michelle_cd_girl

[Holly]

...2)At 6'3" and currently 275 (and going down everyday), who do I really think I am fooling dressing like this, hair from the waist up nearly everywhere, and a mustache to boot, ...Belinda, perhaps dressing is not so much about "fooling" anyone and more about accepting yourself (your entire self). I don't shop in the petite section myself. But when I am out, I walk with my head held high and a smile on my lips. Stop worrying about others and learn more about yourself. I would be willing to bet you will discover things about you that you really, really like!

And as some of the others have said, hang on to that wife. As much as she is willing, include her in this journey of discovery and acceptance. She, too, may find new depths and some things about you may become clearer in her own mind as well. Please let us know how you are doing.