Has your spouse ever used your "secret" against you? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

susanalter

07-12-2006, 11:41 PM

Has your spouse or significant other ever used your "secret" against you?

My wife and I were arguing yet again about regular marriage stuff. But this time something happened that's never happened before- she used it against me. She brought up the fact that I have a secret and wouldn't it be a shame if it got out. And maybe she should leave me so I could go off and be with some men since I obviously don't like women and that I'm a big pussy, etc., etc. It was pretty harsh and I don't even know why she was so upset (a part of me wondered if she somehow stumbled across this site). She's never ever done anything like that before and I didn't really know how to react. Worse, her PARENTS were in the next room! And though I doubt they heard, it was a little too loud for my comfort zone. Now she went to sleep angry and I'm out on the couch. I felt like it was such a betrayal of trust to do that. Have any of you ever had to deal with that?

A little background information is that we recently got married less than a year ago and after we were engaged I told her about my CDing. Well I admit I played it down a lot but figured I'd ease her into it. She was upset and a little disgusted but said she would be supportive of me because she loves me. Well her idea of supportive and mine aren't really the same and I really haven't been able to do much of anything since. Pretty much just when she's asleep or not around since she doesn't want to know from it.

The argument had nothing to do with that though- I think it was just related to stress about our upcoming move. But we don't discuss the CDing much and never in an argument before. I know later she'll apologize and say she was just angry but I feel this is crossing the line. She is the only one in the whole world who knows and telling her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm worried this might be the beginning of a trend. And what if one day she gets so mad or so sad she does say something to someone. It is horrible feeling that someone has something over you. Especially when it is THIS. The very thing I've been battling with my whole life. The one thing I am (I am sorry to say to all of you)... ashamed of most of the time. And though I would hate to think of getting a divorce, sometimes I think we do argue too much and I sometimes wonder if one day one of us or both of us won't be able to take it anymore. But if that happens, how could my secret ever be safe??? I'm sure we'll talk about this once she's no longer angry. But I'm actually pretty hurt that she used this against me. And please don't simply say "tell her how you feel." She KNOWS how I feel which is why she said it. I really don't think I can handle having this thrown in my face every time we get into a little argument.

ashlee chiffon

07-12-2006, 11:50 PM

my ex that i spent 14 years with decided it was time to split...when she was going thru the menopause, combined with wine and hystericals....got the " i'll strew your underware drawer up and down the streets and tell all your friends you wear panties* threats, if i didn't settle things as she wanted...lots of those kind of threats ...and even threatened to send out pics if i didn't settle as she wanted....
so, girlfriend, expect the worst if divorce is on the horizon...if she's upset, it Could become a useful threat for her *if she is like that*...
scary and dangerous ammunition in stressful times!

Lisa Golightly

07-13-2006, 01:54 AM

One did in the past... that's when I decided I didn't want to bother with keeping it secret anymore. She basically went around telling people when we split, which was fair enough as I had been a bit of a pig in all honesty.

So the months dragged on and there were the looks, whispers and nods, and I ignored or challenged it all as the situation saw fit. Then some three months later she came around my house and apologised; said it was the most shameful thing she had ever done. I think we both learned a lot about respect from that doomed relationship.

sparks

07-13-2006, 02:05 AM

Oh my Kinship! Your marriage sounds so devishly like mine it's frightening and you sound alot like me. Maybe a touch saner!
Now the only part is that she would never(I hope) do that to me. We love each other quite abit but this area, this part of me will most likely keep us apart a little.
I'm really sorry to hear that she said those words. What a horrifying feeling of betrayal. Try hashing it out. Be bold about it. It's a cruel thing to even threaten. At least that's my feelings.

Raychel

07-13-2006, 05:13 AM

My wife and I have had some real heated arguments in the past. And thru all of them she has never brought up the subject. I really do respect her for that. It would have been real easy for her to throw my dressing into the equation.

KateW

07-13-2006, 08:09 AM

Thankfully my wife is understanding and I don't think she would ever use it against me. She can't even really say "your not a real man" or anything like that, cos I'd just say thanks. :-)

heathr1

07-13-2006, 08:15 AM

My ex girlfriend never told anyone about my dressing, but once just before her mother came home she painted my nails, hid the bottle of remover so it was still on my nails when her mother arrived:happy:

I thought it was great until her mother embarrasingly told me it was her polish:o

Nikki Dee

07-13-2006, 08:16 AM

NEVER.!!!...and I can't imagine she ever would.!
Nikki. x

Wenda

07-13-2006, 08:40 AM

Mine has never even come close to using it against me. The opposite, when we are with others, sometimes she will refer to 'her friend Wenda', with a sly smile. It is OUR little secret, together. Sounds scary. Good luck.

Calliope

07-13-2006, 08:50 AM

Susanalter,

Your marriage prospects do not look especially rosy. Your SO has found your weakest point and she seems willing to attack the center. If you only could shed your secret! ... easy to say, so hard to do ... or shed her, she sounds like a killer. I'm so sorry to paint these words so bleak but spoken words are usually only the periscope of the mind.

SherryLynn GG

07-13-2006, 08:51 AM

Tiana

07-13-2006, 09:45 AM

I am lucky enough to have been married twice with both women accepting my dressing up but when my first marriage broke and there were rows about access to the children my ex told her new husband to be then about my crossdressing and I even had a letter from him taking the mickey.
I did not care at that stage as I had found a wonderful woman but be careful because in my experience once the partner threatens to 'tell all' then she may well do so but probably regret it later but then it is too late.
you may need to sit down and talk about your crossdressing in your relationship and she may need to feel she is the woman in your relationship.
good luck,my thoughts will be with you.love Tiana

EricaCD

07-13-2006, 09:51 AM

That's a really cheap shot on her part, and to my mind inexcusable. However, I think SherryLynn is probably correct that the CDing is more of a concern on her part than she may have let on...

Hope you can work it out with her.

Erica

Kerry Owens

07-13-2006, 09:56 AM

Marla S

07-13-2006, 10:17 AM

My ex did it one time a few years ago during an argument. I did hurt and still does thinking about it, though I have a amicable relationship with her today again.
As Sherry said it is most likely a sign that she didn't realy accept it (my ex never did). You should try to find a way that she does, though healing the wounds will not be easy. If it has been her intention or not, to be hurt at the most vulnerable point is tough, even if you are not resentful.

After we broke up I told her that she is allowed to tell everybody if she feels the need to. She probably won't, but that seemed a good way for me to have at least a minimum protection, because it is less of a secret on the one side, and if she tells it I don't have to worry how to come out of the closet, on the other side.
This way I have the feeling that I turned the "wappon" in a kind of "win-win-situation" for me.

ava_bruna

07-13-2006, 10:27 AM

all mine does is tell me, If the kid's only knew:( and sometime's let it slip out in little way's like,if you knew what he does on the comp. that's all, but to me I really dont care as im sure im going to get pissed and tell them myself, my son is in a drag show a couple time's a year, and maybe he has an idea cause of my having my ear's done and wearing a gold necklase as of late. so I really dont care what anyone think's, " THIS IS MY LIFE TOO"

Dixie Darling

07-13-2006, 10:31 AM

This is something of a ‘two-edged sword’ in the respect that once you entrusted her with your secret, it was something that you couldn’t take back or un-do. If she ever betrayed that trust and told someone about it, by the same token she has demonstrated to you that she can’t be trusted any longer. In like manner, she would be unable to ‘take back’ or un-do the damage she caused in her attempt to demean you. It’s something that she should think about VERY SERIOUSLY before inserting her foot into her mouth and regretting it for the rest of her life.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Stephenie S

07-13-2006, 11:17 AM

Dear Susan,

I feel for your concern. This can be a scary position to be in. She has something on you and you don't have anything to counter it with.

However, this does not sound to me like like a firm base for ANY relationship, much less a marriage which should be based on love and trust. Perhaps the two of you need to sit down and do some serious thinking and talking about how you expect to live the rest of your lives together. Couples counseling might help.

SherryLynn made an excellent point when she said maybe your wife is really upset about your CDing and is not willing to say so directly because of her love for you or because she has told you it's OK and it's really not. She may be furious inside, or really scaired, or really confused, or really resentful, or really unaccepting, or really ALL OF THE ABOVE.

When you want to try and understand how your wife or SO feels about you CDing, try this exercise. Pretend you have never heard of CDing, and that you have NO thoughts about it at all. One day your wife announces that she wants to begin dressing as a man. She says she is going to start wearing a fake mustache and beard, shoulder pads, a suit and tie, and begin smoking a pipe or cigar. She says she is going to cut all her hair off, and she wants to start going to meetings with other women who feel and dress the same way. Oh, and she is also going to spend hours on the computer Emailing others who do this. Remember, this is your beautiful, sexy wife!! The WOMAN that you married. And now she wants to do WHAT????

What are your kids going to think? What about all your friends??? Are you going to be ridiculed at work because you are married to some DIKE?? What about your family? Think this through. How would you feel?

If you really love this woman, you may say, "OK, sweety. If that's what will make you happy, I will suport you." But believe you me, you will have a HARD time with it.

We all need to cut our wives and SO a whole lot of slack. We all know what a hard road is ahead (and behind) for us. But please stop for a moment and try to consider the road from the other side.

Now to consider your specific problem. You do not really have a secret anymore! Your secret is out. You told someone. You told your wife. So it is no longer a secret. The only way to protect yourself now is to accept who you are and not to worry about her blabbing it all over town. This is, of course, not very likely to happen. She said these thing in anger. But as long as you will be mortified if someone else knows, she has all the amunition. Consider for a while that the world will probably still turn if someone else finds out. It's really not that bad and most people don't care one way or the other. This is the ONLY way to take back control of this particular situation. If you don't care, it becomes worthless as a threat. But I do urge you to find a way to avoid baseing your marriage on threats and accusations. There has got to be a better way. Try and talk this one out. A loveing relationship is worth it.

OK, enough from the pink soapbox. Thank you all for putting up with my occasional (did you say occasional, Steph?) rants.

Lovies to all,
Stephenie

Laura C

07-13-2006, 12:41 PM

Hi girls I have been through the mill with this subject. when I got devorced after 23 yrs, she used every thing she could to ruin me. First she told her attorney then she called all our relitives, and told them . It didn't stop there she even called all my friends and employees. I was a wreck and didn't know what to do. But guess what I lived through it and know laugh about it.

noname

07-13-2006, 12:48 PM

"Hi girls I have been through the mill with this subject. when I got devorced after 23 yrs, she used every thing she could to ruin me. First she told her attorney then she called all our relitives, and told them . It didn't stop there she even called all my friends and employees. I was a wreck and didn't know what to do. But guess what I lived through it and know laugh about it."

Truely evil.

Julie York

07-13-2006, 12:59 PM

Someone who would use your most personal 'shameful' secret as a form of threat and blackmail is not someone you should give your future to. If the thought has occured to her to use that ammunition during an argument she will have absolutely NO problem using it against you if she genuinely feels betrayed or in need of vengeance.

Hide or destroy all evidence and get out whilst you can.

Bev06 GG

07-13-2006, 01:11 PM

Hi Susan,
We all say things in the heat of the moment that we know will hurt the person that were arguing with. It does sound rather like your wife isn't that comfortable with your CDing and maybe feels alittle afraid or challenged by it.
I suppose for a CD who has shared all with his partner/wife there is a certain ammount of vulnerability there but it your partner loves you then Im certain that even if you ended up falling out, the respect would prevent them from telling all. Atleast thats how you'de expect it to be.
To tell you the truth if one of my friends were to spill the beans on her partners secret life, whatever that might be, just because she'd fallen oout or split with him, I'd lose more respect for the friend than her hubby.
Gossip says much more about the person who's spreading it than it does the person who's being gossiped about. But then thats not much consolation for those of you who've suffered at the hands of a spiteful ex partner is it?
Take care
BEVxxxx

Jessica Brekke

07-13-2006, 01:18 PM

I agree with Stephanie and Sherrylynn, up to a point. I think she is probably scared, and confused and angry, and you need to deal with that. Be patient, and reassuring and loving towards her, encourage her to talk about how she's feeling and tell her how you're feeling. I think you'll be surprised at what you both find out.

BUT, I also think you have to sit her down, calmly, and let her know that what she said is unacceptable. It's a betrayal of your trust in her and your commitment to each other, and if your relationship is to continue, those kinds of threats have to stop. Period.

Many things are forgivable when they're said in anger, I think. But threats are just ugly, and they don't belong in a loving, committed relationship. And she needs to know that.

Natrually, as others have pointed out, if the relationship ends, she might not feel as bound to uphold that kind of behavior, but at this point, I'm assuming you still want to be with her.

Good luck.

Wendy me

07-13-2006, 02:17 PM

see that's just wrong in so many ways ..... and not only because of the cding issue .... marriage is a trust , a bond you share with your partner , and over the time your marred you two should share quite a few things that should stay with only the two of you... and to threaten to breach that trust or bond is just black mail ... tell her let's rock ... lets do this tell every one if that is what you want to do but don't ever think that i Will ever share anything with you again .....

GG Vanya

07-13-2006, 02:41 PM

She's in the wrong there in my thinking. Using a underhanded threat is totally wrong. She should have chosen a better way to make her point.
I wouldn't use Lawren's being a CDer to make my point in a arguement anymore than I would use his hair color. It's flippin' out of the question, dumb and just plain mean.

I agree absolutely. To use Trudi as a weapon against my husband would so badly compromise my integrity, code of ethics, honor, and sense of fair play that I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, much less the man I swore to love and HONOR. This, for me, is one of those exceptions to the rule "never say never"....I can say with NO doubt...NEVER would I do this. Hopefully the GG SO's agree with me, this is OFF LIMITS as far as weaponry is concerned.

If I even threatened to do this to Trudi, how could she ever trust me again? It took every ounce of courage she had to share this part of herself with me, and ain't no way in HELL I'd violate that trust.

In your original thread you said you told her BEFORE marriage, and she was upset, but said she loves you and would accept it, so it's not like your being a CD could be a "deal breaker" for the marriage. She KNEW and consented.

Shame on your wife, no matter HOW upset she is, about your crossdressing or anything else.

Tamara Croft

07-13-2006, 02:55 PM

We all say things in the heat of the moment and it's usually said in a kind of defense mechanism. You say you have only recently married... congratulations btw ;) .... but, how indepth have you actually discussed your crossdressing with your wife? Does she have any information about it, have you given her any websites to read, books or any education regarding crossdressing?

I think when we don't understand something, we tend to use to what we think is our advantage, when in all honesty it is not. I feel she is possibly frightened of the unknown and has used this against you in anger. Does she know you are ashamed of your crossdressing? maybe this is why she threw it back at you?

Going back to what I first said about using it as a defense mechanism, I've recently been there, infact it was just yesterday that I said something to my Tam, which I shouldn't have said. It wasn't anything TG related, it was about trust and my lack of it in people including her. It was something I said in the heat of the moment whilst doing a questionnaire and I just blurted it out without even thinking. I could have kicked myself for saying it :(

She's welcome to email me or visa versa if she needs someone to talk to. :hugs:

CarmenG

07-13-2006, 03:20 PM

it was one cold and rainey night in Laredo... just think, cold in Laredo? anyway, we'd been married about 12 years and of course you will have your battles, but she felt she had to move back home with momma so the next day while i was at work she packed up the girls (2 daughters) and everything in the house and went back home....... when i got home it was "EMPTY"....
the following week she started to call every phone number in my address book and proceeded to inform them of my crossdressing...... needless to say i only lost one so call friend, the rest took it as my wife being hysterical... anyway in Dec. this year we will celebrate 20 years of marrage..... trust her?? NOT COMPLETELY YET.......:evil:

Joy Carter

07-13-2006, 07:20 PM

If she wanted to wreck this house bad enough then I'd tell her go ahead as I exited the front door ! I love her with all my heart but that kinda betrayal would be unforgivable.

Wenda

07-13-2006, 07:52 PM

If she wanted to wreck this house bad enough then I'd tell her go ahead as I exited the front door ! I love her with all my heart but that kinda betrayal would be unforgivable.
I am not supportive of extreme reactions, but I think you need to share with your SO the point that she has crossed the line of trust. From now on, I suppose you can love her, but I am not sure you can trust her. All the Best.

Joyce1702

07-13-2006, 08:42 PM

My wife did it to me one time. I had told her about my crossdressing before we were married, and she was supportive of it for awhile. But that all changed one day. She threw out all my clothes, told me I was a homosexual, and threatened to tell everyone that I was a crossdresser.

And since I was a police officer in a fairly small town, it was pretty risky. We're still married, but have never discussed crossdressing since that day.

Joyce

Barb Valentine

07-13-2006, 09:03 PM

My Ex-wife knew about my C/Ding
She even tossed out all my cloths
And as we got divorce she never mentioned it to anyone that I know of
Luck I guess

Stormgirl

07-13-2006, 09:09 PM

Yep she did,typical female :Angry3: one of the reasons why I refuse to get involved in another relationship

GG Vanya

07-13-2006, 09:27 PM

Yep she did,typical female :Angry3: one of the reasons why I refuse to get involved in another relationship

Awww c'mon Jenny, that's not fair :sad: I don't think what your wife did is typical of females. Read my post in this thread, as well as the posts of several other GG's.

SweetJamie

07-13-2006, 09:38 PM

Not a wife, but a girlfriend turned it around on me. It was the first time I was totally honest with my mate. I told her right up front that I was a crossdresser, and at first she had no problem with it. But a few years later, when things started turning sour, she slammed me with, 'you're not man enough for me because you like to wear panties,' or 'you wouldn't be able to defend me if need be.'
So unfortunately, now I'm hesitant about revealing myself to my female relationships, and haven;t been in a completely honest relationship since.

midwest GG

07-13-2006, 10:58 PM

What your wife did is certainly wrong, I am not arguing that fact at all. However, I agree with others when they say taht she is having a really hard time with this, and that was just a way to get the frustration out. You need to remember, she is all alone with this secret also, no one to talk to or confide in, except you. I would never ever say something like that, but, I can see how the frustration could get to some people very easily and words fly in the heat of the moment. you need to talk to decide if this was truly a mistake on her part, or if she would really expose you like that: if your answer is the latter of the two, you have a big decision infront of you. Good luck.

Alicia_lynn419

07-13-2006, 11:57 PM

I feel for you.. I told my ex wife that we were dating.. and at the time I was still trying to figure it all out, she was trying to accept it. In the end she could not, and more than once made nasty comments about my dressing.. I guess the only way she could share her hurt was to hurt me where I was most vulnerable. We've been apart over a year now.. getting to be "friends' again, but the pain is still there... no easy answer on this one....

Billijo49504

07-14-2006, 12:07 AM

As Bev said"We all say things in the heat of the moment that we know will hurt the person that were arguing with."
I told my wife she puts up with me and all my bad points. And still loves me. She just laughed....BJ

chick.wish

07-14-2006, 12:51 AM

My wife and myself are going thru divorce as I type this. We aren't getting divorced over the cd issue as I had completly stopped till I moved out not long ago. However, since I had been honest with her from the getgo before we got married, she had threatened use of the secret serveral times when we would argue. As far as I know, she never auctually told anyone but it didn't stop her from threating it because it was "one" of those things that would get my goat.

tammie

07-14-2006, 01:14 AM

Hi Everyone: My situation was I left a leotard out one day and it was found by my GF when she got home from work. She was a 24yo hispanic woman and exceptionaly beautiful. This was in 1990. When I got home she went crazy screaming and accusing me of having an affair with a large woman. I finally told her it was mine thinking that would be better. Turns out it was worse. Then she went off on me calling me all kinds of unkind names better left to your imagination.

The next day I came home from work and she had found my lingerie. I kept it all in a suitcase in a spare bedroom closet behind several larger (heavy items). She removed all my lingerie (some new and unworn) and cut and ripped some garments and then she poured moter oil over all the rest. I believe she was going to set fire to it all and changed her mind. Then she moved out everything that was hers. She then called everyone that she could think of that knew me and told them I was a faggot. Sometimes being misinformed is a benefit.

Of all the poeple she told I don't think anyone believed her. Most if not all believed she was a hysterical woman intent on vengence. Of several people that asked me about what happened all I did was roll my eyes and say she caught me with a woman friend and it was all very innocent. Actually there was another incident that occured with a woman I knew and there was an argument over it.

All I can say is good luck. I never got remarried for the reason of your predicament. The best advise U have gotten is, move all your things clothing makeup shoes everything all evidense, and be ready to deny deny deny. Unless she has pictures or someones eyewitness testimony she has nothing but her spite.

I believe your marriage is doomed. Truth is U R a crossdresser, unless U can quit, she is a woman (accepting or not) that will hurt U with that knowledge whenever she wants. "Justice delayed is justice denied" IE it's better now than after U have 20 yrs invested and children. Also as lady MacBeth said; "If the deed is done it's best it is done quickly, so don't cut the dog's tail off an inch at a time.

Good Luck to U.

KewTnCurvy GG

07-14-2006, 02:43 AM

Yep she did,typical female :Angry3: one of the reasons why I refuse to get involved in another relationship
Suffice it to say, sounds like you have issues. Why carry all that anger around; doesn't serve you well at all. And, we're not all 'typical' females for whatever that means to you. It sounds like you've been really, really hurt by a woman (or women) in your past. We're not all like that. Just like all men are not alike.
Kew

rosiegurl

07-14-2006, 03:07 AM

in respect to the others who say there may have been mitigating circumastances to her saying or using it, I just have one thing to say. no.

there are some things you NEVER say to the one you love, not in an argument, not in the heat of the moment, never. some things are just across the line, wrong, bad and should never be said no matter what.

first of all, bringing it up and using it like that IS a breach of trust. You have given this woman access and information to a very private part of your life until this point, and to have it turned against you, just means you don't wanna tell this woman anything else that could be used against you, means you can't trust her with other secrets, not a good thing.

secondly, if I was in an argument with my wife and I called her a fat cow, she would beat the living dogmess out of me *chuckles* and she would be right to do so. and I'm sure all you GG's have at least one issue about yourselves that you consider unusable such as if you think you have a weight problem, and I totally agree with everyone of you that it should never be said or used against you, and this is exactly the same thing

I have had a similer experience, though thankfully not quite as bad as some of the people posting here, mine involved photo's been bandied around which thankfully I was able to get ahold of before too much time had passed. do I trust that woman now, hell no, wouldn't trust her to tie my shoe laces anymore, I certainly wouldn't trust her to be a part of my life (thankfully divorced now)

this guy SHOULD be pissed at his wife

and I only have one piece of advice for him, don't let her use it against you, cause if you are susceptable to it, it will be used again and again. might be best to wait until you've both calmed down and explain she crossed the line with that one and that you won't accept it again

Stormgirl

07-14-2006, 03:30 AM

amen well said

Marcia-B

07-14-2006, 05:00 PM

Maybe we should be more respectful when we talk about other peoples wives.How would you feel if people spoke about one of your wives in the same way.We might disagree with what she did but we must remember that Susan has love and affection for her.

jo_ann

07-14-2006, 09:32 PM

my wife couldn't really do that to me, I have just as much dirt on her.

GG Vanya

07-14-2006, 11:27 PM

I never told my ex (Thank GOD!) but had I, she surely would have used it against me in our custody battle. She tried other dirty tricks like ratting me out for smoking pot when in college.

The best thing I can tell you is at a minimum, go underground with it. That way, should there be a divorce, it can't be used against you since there would be no evidence. The previous admission could either be denied on your part, or admitted to, but with the disclaimer that it was only done prior to your marraige.

God forbid you ever have kids with this woman, but if you do, you may be limited in how often you get to see them, or even if you get to see them, as some courts or child protective services may view this as some sort of perversion (which it is not). :mad:

For those of you fearing your CDing coming up in a divorce battle, read my post on this thread:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34724

This scenario could very well be reversed yanno. :D My point is, while your being a cross dresser might be something you don't wish to have brought up in court, it's not ILLEGAL!

This guy was using every dirty trick known to man against his wife in this divorce, but a simple little known law brought him down.

Do I agree that he deserved the extent this law was enforced? No, but one should realize that in a mud fight, all participants run the risk of some of it sticking to them.

DonnaT

07-15-2006, 09:25 AM

What gets me is that you've not been married very long, yet indicate that you two seem to have a lot of arguments.

Maybe you two just weren't ready for marriage?

I think you both need to see a marriage counselor and discuss why you are arguing so much.

In the meantime, you need to get over being ashamed of who you are. CDing is one of your characteristics, something you were born with, not something you simply chose to do. It's not going away. Living with shame for the rest of your life just seems so hard to do.

Tell your wife you are not ashamed of who you are, and that if she wants to tell anyone, to go ahead. Then she'll know she can't use it against you. Do this during counseling if you go that route, but at least make it known at some point.

Mistress_Thorny

07-15-2006, 10:15 AM

I have waited to post to this thread for I am of several minds concerning this issue.

I am the GG SO of a CD whom I love with my heart and soul. We have had some horrible fights in our relationship. But NEVER would I use the fact that he is a CD to hurt him.

The strange thing is that most of our arguments center around the CD. Usually because I don't understand a need of his or he does not understand why I feel confused. He has a hard time verbalizing his needs and wants and desires as a CD and I get very frustrated because I don't understand. Our frustration leads to fights that can be hurtful and scary.

When a person feels left out and frustrated they can react in bad ways. If your wife feels out of the loop and threatened then I can understand her frustration. Some open dialog would help much to get her to feel a part of things.

Is it right she used this against you? no.. it is never right and I agree with others that you need to let her know that it is totally unacceptable.

But if you love her and she loves you then you both really need to talk things over and soon.

I wish you all the best.

sissyamazon

07-16-2006, 11:21 AM

First, I think threatening or even doing something like that is a fairly common rage reaction. Not that it makes it o.k., as I believe it comes from the same type of energy that causes some people to become physically abusive.

I was a little worried about my wife outing me at first, but then I realized she is more even more worried about people knowing than I am.

Don't be so sure having people find out would be a bad thing. I met a girl once who was on the rebound. They had broken up because he was not interested in exploring sexually. Being me, I couldn't resist the opportunity and was much more open than I normally would have been. Mostly BDSM, but enough CD things to really incriminate me.

So the inevitable happens and decides it's time to bounce back to her reformed boy-friend. I wasn't upset, though, since she works in a large medical office and has a wide variety of eligible girl-friends.

Then, just as word starts getting out, she tells me that she couldn't stand seeing me with someone she knows, and that if she does, she'll tell her all "my" secrets.

For a little while, it was like a situation comedy, her friends being all sympathetic about me being dumped, and me trying to act all dis-interested. Funny now, but not then. Before long, one of her friends told me she'd gotten drunk and told everything to a bunch of her girl-friends.

Luckily, we really had different circles of friends. I just had to give up on my plans to plunder the medical group.

But people did not react the way I expected. Sure, there were a few smart remarks. But more cases of being taken aside and told that it didn't really matter. And also one very positive long-term relationship.

Bottom line, the kind of person who will abuse someone with threats like that is going to key off of your reaction. If you think of it as being the end of your world, they are going to be getting the reaction they want.

mollytyler

07-16-2006, 11:55 AM

Never been married..but had a GG friend in college who was mad that I went out with some other gal friends and did not include her. I was 50/50 as Molly in college so not everyone knew...though I presented one blender of and appearance when not Molly.....she went out and got drunk and at the local bar was yelling/boasting of my CD/TG side to all other freinds...their reaction was "so what....like we didn't KNOW that he dressed !!!!!" ......they were the true freinds...she eventually sobered up ans few says later apologized.....but it was me who did more of the apologizing.....realized I was the one hiding and started being Molly more and more even with classes......this was a weak weapon for her....we are still friends and attended her wedding last year as Molly.

Marla GG

07-16-2006, 12:44 PM

Hi Susan,

You are right to be crying "foul" over this. When you know that your partner has an issue which you aware is a source of guilt and shame for them (even though, as many here have stated, it shouldn't be), you DO NOT EVER use it as ammunition against them in an argument, however heated it may get. I have to say that personally, I have never been in a relationship where disagreements led to personal attacks on each other. I wouldn't even consider getting involved with someone who lacked the maturity stay focused on the issue at hand and refrain from using words as weapons.

I hate to say this, but it sounds like even if she didn't know about your CDing, she would have found some other sensitive issue to hurt you with. As you say, the argument was about "regular marriage stuff," so it seems the CD issue was brought up just to make you feel bad because she was angry about something else.

I really think that at this stage in your marriage you would benefit from seeing a marriage counselor, not only to discuss your different views on the place of CDing in your marriage, but to work on your basic communication skills. The two of you need to learn the ground rules of "fair fighting" if you don't want your future arguments to be as unproductive and hurtful as this one was. There are constructive ways of handling conflict, and these can be learned and practiced like any other skill.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,
Marla xx

tammie

07-16-2006, 01:13 PM

Hi Everyone: Marla U R wonderful. U could have your own TV show dear. I learned to late that there R rules for arguing in marriage. To use the CD card is the equivalent of a shot below the belt in boxing, and is meant only to hurt. No other reason.

heshe

07-17-2006, 01:14 AM

this did happen to me my girlfreind of 8yeas was very understanding of my cd and she even bought me tons of stuff then when she meet mr right in her words i had a problem and i needed mental health so she told evey one that we knew that i beat her and cd the only thing said by anyone was that she was telling all kind of lies on me and no one would have anything to do with her after that yes mr right turned out to be mr wrong and gess what i got a letter saying that she still wanted to be my freind well she now knows what will permantly kill a freindship

Sarah Rabbit

07-17-2006, 03:00 AM

I never told my ex ](Thank GOD!) but had I, she surely would have used it against me in our custody battle. She tried other dirty tricks like ratting me out for smoking pot when in college

The best thing I can tell you is at a minimum, go underground with it. That way, should there be a divorce, it can't be used against you since there would be no evidence. The previous admission could either be denied on your part, or admitted to, but with the disclaimer that it was only done prior to your marraige.

God forbid you ever have kids with this woman, but if you do, you may be limited in how often you get to see them, or even if you get to see them, as some courts or child protective services may view this as some sort of perversion (which it is not) . :mad:

My feelings exactly...I have been on the end of a 'Dirty' access battle. It can be enough to drive you to do something stupid. The Old saying..A Leopard can not change it Spots...So TRUE...Be very wary. I am so glad my Ex never found out

Sarah R. :bunny:

Fionax

07-17-2006, 02:54 PM

I get the feeling that your wife is deeply shocked at your revelation and what is bugging her is the thought that she has got herself locked into a relationship with a non man. Most GGs marry in the expectation of having a man about the house, and to fulfil themselves by having babies. Can it be that she believes that that she feels that she is trapped in a bad situation which is occupying her waking moments, and all that she sees a future of unhappiness?

With a mind set like that she is going to be bitter and hypercritical: lashing out over the smallest thing, because she is not thinking of anything else. She seems as though she hopes that by attacking you, you will change and put what she regards as repellant out of your mind. She has now used her last shot in threatening to spread your secret, which shows the intensity of her feelings. Somehow you have got to be the macho male, and put all thought of CDing out of your mind. Many of us have purged mentally, sometimes for years, to keep our marriages intact, and if you really love her and want to make your marriage work you have got to stop being selfish, which is what you have been, and think about the impact on your wife.

Bon chance

Fiona