X So outed me

[Samantha Lough]

I know I lurk a lot but thought I would post something that just happened to me. I am just getting out of a relation ship that lasted a little over 3 months. I was very upfront and honest and tested the water before I even got involved with this person. Asking question like “Are you open minded, accepting of alternate life styles” and so forth. But as my counselor says I am very black and white. My SO tried told her parents and set down rules of when I could and could not dress because she was “Not a Lesbian “. I cared for her a lot but my thoughts were if you want me you want all of me with no strings or rules attached well to say the least it was a very short lived relationship because of this and I felt betrayed when she informed her parents with out even asking of my feeling on outing me.

Heck my own Parents do not know I am transgender/cd. I know honesty is the best policy and such, but the pain of being outed and not having any warning or for knowledge was just unbearable. I guess the worst part was I had not even met her parents yet, and I was Blind sided.

When I told her I did it slow and easy. First thing was I told her and let it sink in did not push or anything gave it a few days then showed her a picture of me dressed and that’s when the Lesbian comment came out. And then she told her parents with out my approval. So I broke it off. Now here is the question was I too CUT and DRIED, Black and White or should I of given her more time and let a little gray come into it?

[Rachel M]

Its hard to judge what she was feeling or thinking when she made the lesbian comment. Maybe you look way too cute dressed and she felt intimidated and wouldnt be able to compete with your femme self.
Rachel

[Calliope]

Now here is the question was I too CUT and DRIED, Black and White or should I of given her more time and let a little gray come into it?

One thing is for sure, she did you wrong. Of course, it's possible she did it impulsively and not out of malice or understanding - how old is she? Did you make a mistake breaking it off? Well, for sure you felt betrayed (and 3 months doesn't give any couple much time to build up resilience). Since what is done is done, wait and see if she approaches you - that will be a sure indication.

Now you've got to ask yourself: is she likely to tell others, such as your parents, and what interventions will work best for you (and the other people in your life)?

[Melinda G]

Relationships come and go. Which is another reason I always say, Don't "come out" to anyone. Enjoy your crossdressing, but keep it private, and personal. You never know when it might be used against you, months or years later.

[LynnDrew]

I think it was her and not you. You were honest she was not. :Angry3:

[Butterfly Bill]

Relationships come and go. Which is another reason I always say, Don't "come out" to anyone. Enjoy your crossdressing, but keep it private, and personal. You never know when it might be used against you, months or years later.

Especially when they suddenly discover it. If you are out to begin with, you don't have to worry about this.

[Gurly]

I am in no way an expert when it comes to relationships or trying to figure out women. HOWEVER, it was a bit (more than a bit) inconsiderate of her to run and tell her parents. Hopefully she will come around to understand what you do but it sure doesn't sound promising. So, NO...I don't think you were too cut and dried. She doesn't sound very open-minded to me and if she can't accept your dressing then you did the right thing by moving on.

[Michelle_cd_girl]

That sucks. I remember I had a similar scenario when my ex told someone at her church. Geez, talk about betrayal of confidence. I was astounded that she could be so insensitive and careless with something so potentially damaging. On the brighter side, I always felt I could come back with "well I had to get rid of her SOMEHOW" if the proverbial cat ever got out of the bag.

[Samantha Lough]

Daytripper: we are both in our late 30's and she has contacted me saying she was sorry for everything that happen, but I am still to raw about it to accept it. I think the worst hurt was not asking me first before she outed me

Melinda G: I have felt that way but the secret life was driving me crazy in all my past relationships. so I thought by being honest then I would not have the secret life hangin over me

[BrendaB GG]

Just wanted to give another point of view here. GG's generally need to go and run things by someone close to them, such as a sister, best friend or parents. I think in this case she was seeking advice, counselling, etc from people that she trusted and who can you trust more than your parents?
Yes, she should have warned you first, but why not give her another chance? Now that its out in the open, this could be a good fresh start to this relationship.
Brenda

[Anita Mae GG]

Relationships come and go. Which is another reason I always say, Don't "come out" to anyone. Enjoy your crossdressing, but keep it private, and personal. You never know when it might be used against you, months or years later.

That is then just lying and deceiving someone on purpose.......you should be honest and up front with those you KNOW will be serious relationships.

[Ellie]

Did you let her know about this forum?

When I first started fully dressing my GF came here to read up on what others have said about what their relationship with a CD has been like.

It was a great help for her to see how many GFs/Wifes enjoy the relationship extras that come with being with a CD.

"Always having someone to go shoe shopping with." is on the top of her list :cheeky:

[GG Vanya]

NO one has the right to out someone else regardless of what their lifestyle is.

There is only one person I've ever told about Trudi, and that was someone who is a close and caring friend to both of us. I asked for permission FIRST from Trudi before telling this woman, and even then waited for a while, m aking sure Trudi didn't change her mind. In retrospect, I think it was actually Trudi herself who eventually told our friend. Mind you this was WAY into our relationship. Doing something like that, even with permission, at 3 months makes me shudder.

We both knew this woman well, knew her personality, and given the fact that she too is in an alternative lifestyle, felt that she would be accepting of it. We were right. :happy:

In synopsis, she was very wrong in telling her parents without your consent. No matter how "innocent" the act was, and no matter how sorry she is now for having done it, I could well understand if you could never bring yourself to trust her again with something so very personal and potentially damaging.

To me, it is a serious character flaw in persons who can not/will not honor privacy and keep their word regarding things told in confidence.

My word is my honor and, along with my integrity, when all else falls away, those are two things that can never be taken from me.

[sparks]

Just wanted to give another point of view here. GG's generally need to go and run things by someone close to them, such as a sister, best friend or parents. I think in this case she was seeking advice, counselling, etc from people that she trusted and who can you trust more than your parents?
Yes, she should have warned you first, but why not give her another chance? Now that its out in the open, this could be a good fresh start to this relationship.
Brenda

This is too true. When i told my wife she had a hard time keeping it to herself. She asked me first whether it was ok to talk to her mother and i said it was alright.
It really is a hard thing to wrap one's head around just think of some of the turmoil you yourself may have gone through in accepting yourself. Now it is a really big thing for a woman to accept it as well. If she was/is really in love with you and you shattered her perfect image of you. Of course there is the whole "can I deal with this for a lifetime?" issue.
She went to someone she trusted with this information. She did not go and tell a or all of her friends. Just her parents which may mean she really cared for you. An approval from one's parents may just have been all the OK she needed.
My wife also threw the lesbean comment at me. I believe all she meant was "This is my boundary do not cross it." It's just such a shock and she may have simply stating her level of acceptance.

[KimberlyS]

Samantha, without knowing more information I would be with Brenda on this. If your GF and her parents (or if it was her bestfriend) were really close, she was going to tell them. She has to tell someone if she is trying to deal with cding being new to her. And it would not be just the cding, it would be many other things also she would go to them with. IMHO it is part of the dealing with something, we go to someone we can trust for advice. So I do not see the big deal.

Now if her parents in turn outed you to lots of other people then it would be a huge deal. But if they have kept it to themselves this is a non-issue to me.

I think you may have over reacted to soon. Maybe you need someone to talk to like she has.

KimberlyS-CD

[Samantha Lough]

KimberlyS I think the worst part was that she did not ask if it was ok, now if it was say a counselor then it would not of been such a blow to me, and yes they did out me to her family who I never met


Ellie yes I did, in fact she was the one who came here first and that was a even bigger fight because all she seen here was that everyone was getting SRS which I know is not the case but that was all she seen

Brenda I don't know I have major trust issue plus as my Doc says I am Black and white no gray I am working on the gray part but it is hard

[racquel]

My 0.02 would be to give her another opportunity to get to know the 'real' you.There are many on this forum that have to explain why they kept such a secret for so many years.You are past that, I and probably you,are pretty sure that this would not happen again.

[Dee 1062]

I think you should give her another go around...things could get good now you are out with her....

[prettyinpink]

i would have to agree with all that said she went to her parents because that's who she felt comfortable talking too. (if ya can't trust you're parents who can ya?)and if she called u after ya broke up i'd say she's at least willing to try and work it out.



pretty

[Raychel]

When I first told my wife about the real me. She totally went off the deep end. She told her mother about me. I didn't feel betrayed. My wife was just looking for someone that could help her thru the bad times that she was having. Interesting part was, my wife was very upset when she told her mother. Her mothers reply was "Is that all" kinda like "so what"

I was more concerned that her mother would tell other people and that it would get back to my father. I would never want that to happen.

So maybe she was just looking for advice, and was not really trying to cause any harm. You have to read the situation and evaluate the relationship that you have/had with her and decide if it is OK in your mind. Then you will know what should happen from there.

If you truly love her, then get over it and get back with her, then enjoy the rest of your life. If there is no real true love there then it is all for the best.

[DonnaT]

Hi Samantha,

Are you embarrased about being a CD?

Has her outing you to her folks made any difference in your life (other than breaking it off with her)?

Did you ask her to keep it a secret?

If not, then I suggest you try and get over it.

Heck, you were honest with her, very commendable :clap: , which to me means you loved her and were expecting to take things to a higher level. If you loved her that much, I don't see why you need to hold onto your anger at having your trust violated. Geez, even husband and wives can forgive for far worse than that, such as cheating.

My wife told her grandmother. She needed someone to talk to. Once she admitted telling her I told her that it was fine. I understood her need. In fact, her grandmother's comments to her made my wife a bit more accepting. This was 30 years ago, and her grandmother has not ever thought any less of me.

Recently she told her supervisor at work. This after telling me she didn't want me to get my ears pierced in case anyone from her work saw them and had ideas (they are pierced btw). Again, she didn't ask permission, and even though it made no sense in her telling him, she was surprised I didn't get mad at her for telling. I told her she could tell anyone she wishes. It's not me doing the hiding, it's her.

I'm comfortable with who I am and not the least worried about who she tells. Simple as that.

YMMV (your milage may vary).

[Kimberley]

Samantha,

What she did was wrong, dead wrong. Whether you choose to give her another chance is up to you and the circumstances of the relationship.

However, I see a larger issue here and that is your own discomfort with who and what you are. I beleive you have to come to terms with your own transgenderism (IMHO we are all transgendered to some degree) first.

You cannot expect to help guide someone else in a personal relationship with you unless you understand yourself first. The clue to this is your discomfort with being outed at all regardless of whether you were consulted first.

Just my 0.02 worth.

Kimberley

[Calliope]

Daytripper: we are both in our late 30's and she has contacted me saying she was sorry for everything that happen, but I am still to raw about it to accept it. I think the worst hurt was not asking me first before she outed me


Of course! Knowing I often hold grudges to my own detriment (and I would like to overcome that!), I might add: seek time and silence for a while, see what you're feeling a week or two from now, then make your decision about whether or not you two have a future - nothing to lose there (except drama).

[Mistress_Thorny]

Relationships come and go. Which is another reason I always say, Don't "come out" to anyone. Enjoy your crossdressing, but keep it private, and personal. You never know when it might be used against you, months or years later.

Hey Melinda *ss*

It is so sad to hear you say things like this for I hope that my SO gets alot of enjoyment at the freedom of being able to share this side of himself with me.

I do believe one should be careful. Not to throw it out there to all with out knowing and gaging the reaction. I know many men would find their lives ruined if people knew the truth about this private side of themselves. A man would need to know the consequences of sharing his secret and be willing to accept the worst should it happen.

But there are those of us that do accept, even the parts we don't understand fully, and love these men unconditionally. We hope to give companionship and support while they journey this road of self discovery. We even find joy and delight in helping when able.

thinking more after posting to this for one reason I find that I should be honest with another aspect.

I outed my SO. I told my children without talking to him first. In my defense it was after them finding all kinds of evidence of his dressing. I am not a fan of heels and thongs and garters and such. I am most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. So when things began to come into the house the girls began to talk among themselves. He was out of the country when they came to me and point blank asked things. I felt it was best to be honest with them and let them know of my personal acceptance of these things. I also felt it was a good thing he was not here and so their initial reactions could be done in private and without him looking over his shoulder all the time. These children are 15 and 21. Old enough to understand alternate life styles and I have always been brutally honest about life with them.

They had some negative reactions and alot to say about their mother's acceptance of this but given time and some honest dialog they did accept it.

When he returned I talked to him about the need to share these things with the girls and he agreed that it would be best. When I let him know I had already shared it he was very angry. We went though a very rocky time in the realtionship. Honestly since I feel no shame in his dressing I have a problem understanding his feelings on this. This situation did make me understand his feelings on having the right to decide who and when HE shared this fact with though. I know now how betrayed and hurt he was by me making that decision for him.

We moved past it. It was hard and the trust had to be wom back slowly. And I am not competley sure that he has totally given me all the trust he once had in me. But it can be done.

I will let him post his feelings on this if he wishes but I am sure that it was only his love of me and the fact he knew I never intended any harm in what I did helped him to over come his disappointment and feelings of betrayal.

So if you really care for this woman then leave the door open to something more.

[rosiegurl]

OK, as the one who got outed to her mother and children I just have to respond.

when she first told me, we were on the way home from the airport after I returned from visiting family in the UK and I have to say, I very almost told her to turn around so I could jump back on a plane and return to england. To say I was upset would be an understatment, I felt VERY betrayed. I have to say, now that I have had time to get used to it, I am kinda glad, but honestly the trust that was there got destroyed.

should she have done it behind your back, no. but sometimes it is the only way. I know I would never have allowed my SO to tell anyone with my knowlegde, and at least now the kids actually understand what a CD is

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hi Samantha,

Are you embarrased about being a CD?

Has her outing you to her folks made any difference in your life (other than breaking it off with her)?

Did you ask her to keep it a secret?

If not, then I suggest you try and get over it.

Heck, you were honest with her, very commendable :clap: , which to me means you loved her and were expecting to take things to a higher level. If you loved her that much, I don't see why you need to hold onto your anger at having your trust violated. Geez, even husband and wives can forgive for far worse than that, such as cheating.
.
I am in agreement with Donna here. It's not like she shouted it from the rooftops. And we all have someone we confide in certain things about. Perhaps for her it's her parents. And did you ask her not to tell? And what were her parent's reaction? Did they recoil? React negatively? If not perhaps you're blowing this out of proportion.
Kew

[VtVicky]

First, and foremost: THREE MONTHS!!!!???? I think a lot of the advice that has been offered is missing a very big point. THREE MONTHS???? There are a whole lot of things that need to be explored as a relationship develops. But ones "alternative life style" ought to wait until you have fully explored all the more usual areas. This is real life, not some smarmy soap opera where love at first sight is accompanied by mood music and life long devotion happily ever after. Are you looking for a relationship that may eventually include acceptance of your crossdressing, or acceptance of your crossdressing that may eventually include a relationship? (Read that line again. It is very important!) In any case, three months isn't enough time to properly develop either.

The second thought is that your therapist is being kind with the "black and white" phrase. I would add impulsive and immature. Not in the perjorative sense. But in the lack of experience and patience sense. You have a long life ahead of you. Give yourself time to develop a relationship based on things you have in common with someone before you go dropping bombs about your differences. I guarantee that if acceptance of your crossdressing is the primary basis for you to become involved in a relationship, you will be sorely disappointed.

Crossdressing is a very important part of most of our lives. But it is not the most important part. We still have to function in the society in which we find ourselves, if for no other reason than to earn enough money to go shopping.

Spend some more time reading the posts on this forum and you will see dozens of men who have elected to stay in the closet rather than risk losing their relationships with wives and SO's. And dozens of others who have chosen crossdressing over relationships.

(I hear the chorus of: "I choose to be who I am without comprimise". I would argue that I comprimise who I am every time I pay taxes, let alone dress in a way that will insure that I get paid every month.)

I think the first thing you need to do is to step back and take a deep breath.

Good luck.

[Samantha Lough]

First, and foremost: THREE MONTHS!!!!???? I think a lot of the advice that has been offered is missing a very big point. THREE MONTHS???? There are a whole lot of things that need to be explored as a relationship develops. But ones "alternative life style" ought to wait until you have fully explored all the more usual areas. This is real life, not some smarmy soap opera where love at first sight is accompanied by mood music and life long devotion happily ever after. Are you looking for a relationship that may eventually include acceptance of your crossdressing, or acceptance of your crossdressing that may eventually include a relationship? (Read that line again. It is very important!) In any case, three months isn't enough time to properly develop either.

The second thought is that your therapist is being kind with the "black and white" phrase. I would add impulsive and immature. Not in the perjorative sense. But in the lack of experience and patience sense. You have a long life ahead of you. Give yourself time to develop a relationship based on things you have in common with someone before you go dropping bombs about your differences. I guarantee that if acceptance of your crossdressing is the primary basis for you to become involved in a relationship, you will be sorely disappointed.

OK to answer this one and I do understand you mean, we were discussing becoming intimate and well I shave and I am a honest person and did not feel that I should lie about why my legs were as smooth as her. So no I was not being imature I was being totally honest and up front, and I did a lot of soul searching before I dropped the bomb. But I do see a lot of your point thank you for being candid

DonnaT nope I am not ashamed of being Trans ( yes I have been diagnosed as having Gender Identity Disorder by 2 Psychologists) but I am confused and trying to find where I am going with it or if anywhere, I have tried purging and yeah well it has never worked so I have decide to find either a happy medium or a path I can be happy with but thank you for also you did give me food for thought.

[VtVicky]

Hi again Samantha.

When Edgar Allen Poe wrote the "Tell Tale Heart", he tapped into a very common trait in us humans. We think that anything we hear can be heard by everyone else, even if it is only our imagination. Very often, when we are faced with dealing with other people around our crossdressing, we jump to conclusions that may not be warrented. We answer questions that haven't been asked; give long explanations to simple non-threatening questions; and generally jump precipitously into areas that are on OUR mind, not the mind of the other person.

(The joke that illustrates the truth of this phenomon is: Little Johnny comes to his dad and asks: "Dad, where did I come from?" After a very difficult 20 minute explanation of the sexual reproductive act by his dad, Johnny says: "Oh, I thought I came from New York.")

I suspect your need to tell her about your shaved legs, under the guise of total honesty, is driven by your anxiety about your crossdressing. Did she ask you anything about your legs? If not, then you moved too fast. My brother, who teaches sailing, likes to tell people to not set their sails for a wind that hasn't arrived yet. Trust me when I tell you I understand the anxiety you are feeling. And I, too, used to believe that it is better to come clean early. However, timing is everything. Too soon can be as bad as too late. The timing needs to be driven by the situation with your SO, not driven by your internal level of anxiety. Let the situation develop under it's own steam. Guard against letting your insides drive your outsides before the outside situation warrants it.

One other thing. When adults embark on relationships it is a process of offering ourselves to another person. If we are not sure who we are yet, it is a bit disingenuous of us to offer ourselves to another. How can we promise to be honest in the relationship when we don't know what it is we are offering. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a loved one, or potential loved one, is to disengage until you are sure who or what you are.

I think you would be a lot happier in the long run if you would finish working on yourself before you put yourself on the relationship market.

Good luck.

[Shylittleshade]

Please give this girl another chance. If she didn't care about you, she would have outed you to the world and told all her friends. Most likely, she was trying to find her way through the news and her parents are someone she could trust. To her it might not have been a violation if she told her parents.

I wish my boyfriend would have had the courage to tell me about his CDing at the get-go. It would have saved me a lot of anquish and bouncing around trying to figure out why there were boobs and bras and panties being purchased (not for me) and thinking he was cheating on me. He's still never told me directly. It was talking to my gynocologist when he put two and two together and then it was like blam! duh!

At that moment, I shut up to everyone about questioning why the boobs, why the bras, why the silky pants in the bed and even when the opportunity could arise to discuss it, I now have a hard and fast editing tract and overwhelming rule now to protect him and this information. I am very guarded so as not to slip up. Even though I'm OK with it, I don't want to be the one to out him and hurt him. But I can see her side of this too.

Long and short of it: If you truly care for this woman and her apology was sincere and heartfelt, look into your heart to forgive her as you would want to be forgiven. Its a two way street. Good luck and best wishes

SLS