How to come out to yourself?

[Sarahgurl371]

Hi all, just another stupid question relating to TG/TS stuff.

I have been seeing a gender therapist for several months now and this week he said to me that after consulting with another specialist, he feels I am probably transsexual, a couple of weeks ago he "diagnosed" me as gender dysphoric. I have been struggling with this stuff for so long now, and if any of you have read any of my posts, its probably obvious that self acceptance is my issue. I do not disagree with his thought that I am TS. I seem to be having a great deal of difficulty in dealing with this in my mind though. How can this be my life? Recent posts about comming out to family and even transitioning have kind of jokingly made me ask myself "how long or how to come out to yourself?"

It seems the only peace I have is when I am alone and my mind is free to fantasize about the future. A future in which I am free from all the reasons and fear that are keeping me from moving towards acceptance, transition etc. The thought of living in my current mental state for the rest of my life is very depressing. But the thought of the assumed risks, rejection, etc, of just doing what I want is so frightening that I cannot move.

So a question for those who have accepted that they are TS. How long did you hate yourself for feeling this way, while secretly wanting to be this way as well? Maybe you didn't feel this way at all. How many times did you call yourself a freak when you look in the mirror, and how did you get over it? I guess, How did you just "know"? It seems that the "symptoms" or "signs" can be so different for every one of us. There is no test.

What happened, or how did you come to terms with this all and just accept yourself for who you are. I am finding nothing that works for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

Its so time consuming all this flip flopping back and forth from yes I am to no I am not. All the while kind of knowing that yes I am. Maybe just not wanting to admit it to myself and begin to take some steps. I have built so much fear into my life in an attempt to control this all. That now that I am starting to realize that maybe there is no controlling it, but still have these great fears and find them paralyzing.

There just has to be some ending here. I am fighting so hard to not just say that I am TS because that is how I feel. I am so concerned about being wrong and destroying the life I have built. Even in that respect, I probably already have. Its like I am in some quest for the "proof" that will grant me the authority to say to myself "this is who I am" and take steps in that direction. I thought that the "diagnosis" from a specialist would be that proof. But it seems that even with this information, I am still finding accepting it extremely difficult. Then I go to his office and see a MTF TS just out and doing her thing, and find that so inspiring, desirable. I am finding the thoughts about this post difficult to articulate.

HOw does one make such a huge change in their lives? Marriage, work, friends (non existent any way, but new ones I guess). How does one summon the courage to be themselves? No matter what anyone else thinks.

Those of you who are out and just doing your thing are so uplifting and inspirational to me. I think your courage is tremendous. I find myself not only wanting to trade lives with some ordinary woman I see on the street but with you all as well.

Anyway, since I am unable to articulate any more of these mind numbing thoughts right now, I will leave it at this.

[Kimberley]

Hi Tammy,
This is a loaded question but to put it as simple as I can, acceptance is exactly that. You find it within yourself and in that you will find a sense of self and some peace with that. Questioning about your gender will end because you will have simply taken that step to saying I am me, I am what I am and that is it.
Once you have done that, you can then come to grips with how you will deal with the issue.

For me, Kimberley's "awakening" was a milestone that put me around the bend. I could have tossed everything and gone for GRS but I chose to sit on it and evaluate things as to what would be best for everyone, myself, my family and my friends. I chose to remain as I am but to Xdress as I could in an androgynous fashion so as to not draw any undue attention. For me it was the right decision although the desires to transition are always there. So that has yielded some undesireable depression. I live with it.

For another acquaintance of mine, living androgynous was the answer. In the middle neither male nor female. It had its problems for sure but in the end s/he was happy, and with an understanding and supportive partner.

There are others on the forums who can offer other perspectives of their own so including the one above so I cant speak for them. If you PM me I can let you know who they are but I suspect they will answer this thread.

I know this has been a tumultuous battle for you and only you can provide the solutions but first you have to learn to live with yourself. There is no magic pill that makes you female or male. You will always have some of both within you. Accepting that is the first step in my opinion.

:hugs:
Kimberley.

[Marla S]

The thought of living in my current mental state for the rest of my life is very depressing. But the thought of the assumed risks, rejection, etc, of just doing what I want is so frightening that I cannot move.
Self-acceptance is not everything. IMO you (we) need to build up self-assuredness.
Go little or even tiny steps to see if the assumed risk and rejection is a real one. Even if it is real, knowing about it from own experience gives a better handle to deal with. One tiny step after the other might lead you closer to the life you dream of. But be aware that almost nobody, TG or not, is able to live as wanted. Probably you (we) will always have a kind of a "freak-status" for the majority. Don't fear this, but face it with self-assuredness.

[Ms. Donna]

What happened, or how did you come to terms with this all and just accept yourself for who you are. I am finding nothing that works for more than a couple of minutes at a time.
Hi Tammy,

It's a tough thing - self acceptance. Give the following thread a read:


Self Acceptance – A How to (get started) Guide (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27586)

This is - by and large - what worked for me. No 'diagnosis' or anything else like that. Just some serious introspection and acceptance of some generally painful realities.

If you want to discuss off-line, just PM me. Otherwise, here is great so everyone can share.

You can do it - you just need to be ready.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Katrina]

Tammy, while I'm sure the fact that your pdoc told you he thinks you are TS gave you some relief, I'm sure it was difficult to hear it spoken. I know what you feel - when I saw shows on TV about women who have transitioned and are happily living their lives, I felt like "that should be me", or "why can I have that?". It was inspirational but at the same time it was depressing since I didn't see that happiness in my future. PM me if you want to talk about it some more.

Kimberly, you and I are on similar paths. I feel deep down that I'm more than just a CDer, but something less than full blown TS since I would have no intention of "modifying" Mr. Happy. For reasons due to my SO and work, I have chosen to not transition but will feminize slightly and CD often. When my SO an I talked out exactly what the boundaries were, my depression all but evaporated.

[GypsyKaren]

Tammy, I hated myself for most of my life, thinking I was the biggest freak of nature ever put on this earth. I knew what I was, but I didn't know who I was. Being bi-polar didn't help, that and clear thinking don't mix together to well.

How did I finally accept myself, who I was? One night Kat and I had a talk, and I took stock of my life, all of the bad, and then all of the good. It's kinda funny, but I never thought there was any good there, but the more I thiought of it, the more I realized that I was a good person with a kind heart. I don't know, this really opened the floodgates for me, and everything fell into place then.

Tammy, I know this is all so confusing, and there's no easy button to make it all make sense. I also know you well enough by now to know that you are a good person too, with a kind heart. Perhaps if you accept yourself as that good person, you'll be able to accept yourself for who you are...Tammy.

I will say that taking the next step isn't easy, in fact it's real scary. But you know, that's the way it is with everything in life, like I said there's no easy button. Just take your time with it all, I'm hoping that things will fall in place for you too.

Karen

[Angie G]

I never had a problem excepting my crossdressing it must be hard for the ones that do I don't know if it helpes but I hope you all find your way I will be praying for that end and hope all works out for you may peace be in your life forever.
Angie G

[Kristen Kelly]

Hi Tammy,
Acceptance is exactly that. You find it within yourself and in that you will find a sense of self and some peace with that. Questioning about your gender will end because you will have simply taken that step to saying I am me, I am what I am and that is it.
Once you have done that, you can then come to grips with how you will deal with the issue.

For me, Kimberley's "awakening" was a milestone that put me around the bend. I could have tossed everything and gone for GRS but I chose to sit on it and evaluate things as to what would be best for everyone, myself, my family and my friends. I chose to remain as I am but to Xdress as I could in an androgynous fashion so as to not draw any undue attention. For me it was the right decision although the desires to transition are always there. So that has yielded some undesireable depression. I live with it.

For another acquaintance of mine, living androgynous was the answer. In the middle neither male nor female. It had its problems for sure but in the end s/he was happy, and with an understanding and supportive partner.

There are others on the forums who can offer other perspectives of their own so including the one above so I cant speak for them. If you PM me I can let you know who they are but I suspect they will answer this thread.

First you have to learn to live with yourself. There is no magic pill that makes you female or male. You will always have some of both within you. Accepting that is the first step in my opinion.

:hugs:
Kimberley.

I have done like you Kimberley, living androgynous because that is how I am, I have many female and male traits, and am proud to show them, I am a better person for them and wouldn't change that for the world now. At this point in my life I dont think I would transisition, but I am not afraid to show my femine side. What I am searching for now is that balance of what I truely feel vs the image I am percieved to be.
I have done the therapy route, all they were trying to do was to get me to talk about it, search myself to find the answers, I have done that here my posts have brought me out. It was like a light was turned on it all came to me in an instant, "This is who I am, Accept me for who I am or ingnore me, I can change little things about me, but I when it comes to gender I am the some where in between that will not change, I live with it and have acceped that this is who I am".

Feel free to add me to your Yahoo messenger KristenKelly77 (that’s the same Invite to all the girls) I love to chat, I'm a good ear that won't put you down. If I'm home the computer Is always on, and if I am not at my desk get back to you shortly.

[heather_nouveau]

Hi Tammy:

Like you I was also recemtly diagnosed as being Gender Dysphoric by a doc who specializes in TS/TG patients. In one sense it was a real relief to finally hear someone say what I think I've known (or suspsected) for a long time.

I'm also seeing a therapist who specializes in gender issues. I have days when I am so sure that transitioning would be the best thing for me to do; other days I have my doubts; especially when I think about the impact on my wife, my family and friends, and my job transitioning would radically alter my relationships with.

I'm really trying to work through all this; to make sure that this (transitioning) is what I want and need to do to be true to who I really am inside.

I agree that there's no easy answer, no magic button or pill that will instantly resolve all the feelings of longing and trying to figure out how I'm going to come to terms with all this.

I love my wife and my family, I make a good living, I think about transitioning and possibly losing my wife and alienating my family and (definitely) losing my job were I to go ahead with all this right now.

I'm trying to break everyhting down into smaller parts and just try and deal with one issue at a time right now (like telling my wife).

I KNOW how you feel and how confusing and scary all this is!

Please feel free to PM/email me if you want to talk.

Hang in there girl!

Hugs, :hugs:

Heather

[Joy Carter]

Just no words at this point I want to wish you well in what ever you decide.


God Bless JOY CARTER :hugs:

[tori-e]

Hi Tammy,

The statement that concerns me is "How long did you hate yourself for feeling this way". You should not view yourself as a freak or as having something wrong with you. You, like the rest of us, have been presented with a challenge in your life. The problem is that our society does not know how to deal with us. There was a time when being left handed was wrong. In children this had to be corrected. We know now that these people are often the most creative in society. As transsexuals I think we are able to have a broader view of the world than those that see gender as purely binary. (I hate all the gender stereotypes people use) We are probably more tolerant and accepting and loving than a lot of other people. You are part of that club. This is something to embrace!

I don't think I've ever hated myself for being TS. I've hated the male aspects of my body for sure. And recently, I've started to regret not having done what I'm doing now sooner in my life. You mentioned a TS in your doctor's office. I went to a clinic when I was about 30. I was so afraid they might suggest I come dressed. The prospect was terrifying! Some fifteen plus years later, I still had not been out of the house. Starting last September I started getting out. It really *was* terrifying. But you do it in small steps. I'm getting pretty comfortable now. Do people always think I'm a woman? I don't know. In all the times I've been out I've haven't seemed to attract much attention. Then a few days ago I was out and was aware of being clocked left and right. Does it bother me? Yes, but it doesn't change anything. I'll just try to work harder next time. There is also the prospect that some day some guy might jump out of a pickup truck with a baseball bat just because I'm I guy in a dress. That's not going to stop me either.

As far as coming to self acceptance, I think it comes to me by pushing my limits. Going a little farther out every time and patting my self on the back when nothing bad happens and for being brave enough to do it. "That wasn't so bad." So often I'm filled with dread when getting ready to go out. But on the way home I'm usually filled with joy and can't stand the prospect of going back to guy mode. You mentioned going for a drive once. Do it again. Drive further. Do in the day this time. Or get out of the car and buy a soda in a vending machine. It's like learning to swim. You start with your by getting your toes in the water. Then on the way home ask yourself if you liked it. But no feeling guilty. You didn't do anything wrong.

There has been a definite shift in my personality as I transition, and I'm sure it reflects in my male life too. I am happier and more self confident now. I think that was the clincher for me. If being a girl makes me happier, it must be right.

I'm glad you are seeing a gender therapist. I hope you will continue to go. I wish I could do the same. And don't stop posting "dumb questions". They are NOT dumb! They are the best part of this forum.

I'm afraid I may have dropped the ball on our previous PM. Please let me know I can be of any further help to you or if you'd like to talk. I'm always around.

with lots of love,
Victoria

[Tiffany 1953]

Dear I know you will get thousands of opinions on this subject and I hope to offer you some comfort. I promise to be brief. (I don’t like any other kind):happy: In all seriousness 5 years ago I started seeing a Pdoc and admitted to her that I crossdressed with my wife’s knowledge. Two years ago I asked offhandedly if I would qualify for a letter to start Hormone Therapy. She said yes and I literally floated out of the office. I had no intention to start a transition at this late stage of my life. What with family, friends, career and finances being an issue. In January of this year my wife and I had a major difficulty in our relationship brought on by outside influences. Needles to say Tiffany started running the emotional show as a form of escape. This further complicated our marriage and I started a low dose hormone therapy.

My first three days were pure elation as I ingested the stuff of females. Then all the fun of dressing en-fem wore off as did all the sexual component.

By the 28th day, with only one exception, I was so disturbed by the feelings in my head and lack of sexual feelings that I went screaming back to the doc and needed help overcoming the suicidal thoughts in my very confused brain.

I have had both the physical attributes of being an extremely feminine male and the psychological aspects that always seem to trigger this behavior in males.

I have resumed my place in the world as a crossdresser. I have learned to do many things to satisfy that urge and still function as a husband. Please email
me if you want to chat more. Love to you, Hugs Tiffany

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Tammy,


I do not disagree with his thought that I am TS. I seem to be having a great deal of difficulty in dealing with this in my mind though. How can this be my life?

It seems the only peace I have is when I am alone and my mind is free to fantasize about the future. A future in which I am free from all the reasons and fear that are keeping me from moving towards acceptance, transition etc.

It's easy to get trapped in the fantasy world of 'what if...' - especially when that world is always better than the one in which we now live. One realization which must be made is that all the wishing won't make it true. Good, bad or indifferent, the here and now is the reality of your situation.


So a question for those who have accepted that they are TS. How long did you hate yourself for feeling this way, while secretly wanting to be this way as well? Maybe you didn't feel this way at all. How many times did you call yourself a freak when you look in the mirror, and how did you get over it? I guess, How did you just "know"? It seems that the "symptoms" or "signs" can be so different for every one of us. There is no test.
It wasn't until my sophmore year in high school that I knew the name for what I was (so far as I understood it): transvestite. Yes, I hated who I was and what I did. I denied it all and convinced myself I was a 'regular guy' with a kinky side. And then at the end of 1997 it all fell apart for me, and with the facade removed, I stood naked in the rather harsh light of reality, looked at the stranger in the mirror and asked myself, "Who am I?"

It was at that point that I knew I had to finally face all of this and really deal with it. Emotionally, I was left with little choice.


There just has to be some ending here. I am fighting so hard to not just say that I am TS because that is how I feel. I am so concerned about being wrong and destroying the life I have built. Even in that respect, I probably already have. Its like I am in some quest for the "proof" that will grant me the authority to say to myself "this is who I am" and take steps in that direction. I thought that the "diagnosis" from a specialist would be that proof. But it seems that even with this information, I am still finding accepting it extremely difficult. Then I go to his office and see a MTF TS just out and doing her thing, and find that so inspiring, desirable. I am finding the thoughts about this post difficult to articulate.

What is it that you need in your life? What is it that will be life affirming for you? What is it that is keeping you from being that person whom you were to become all along?

Forget about the diagnosis, the labels (CD/TG/TS - BS) and what everyone else has to say about this. Gender Dysphoria is crap: Neither you nor I am 'uncomfortable' with our gender.

I offer the following for your consideration:

Anthropologist Ruth Benedict noted the following:

For a valid comparative psychiatry, these disoriented persons who have failed to adapt themselves adequately to their cultures are of first importance. The issue in psychiatry has been too often confused by starting from a fixed list of symptoms instead of a study of those whose characteristic reactions are denied validity in their society.
Post-structuralist philosopher Judith Butler comments:

Indeed, precisely because certain kinds "gender identities" fail to conform to those norms of cultural intelligibility, they appear only as developmental failures or logical impossibilities from within that domain.
And a source I choose not to disclose observed:

Our society tends to regard as a "sickness" any mode of thought or behavior that is inconvenient for the system, and this is plausible because when an individual doesn't fit into the system it causes pain to the individual as well as problems for the system. Thus the manipulation of an individual to adjust him to the system is seen as a "cure" for a "sickness" and therefore as good.
All three make the same basic critique regarding the 'non-conforming' individual vs. society. In all cases, it is the individual whom is asked to yield. That is the source of the 'dysphoria' - it is external to the individual. It is the pressure to conform - to be that which we are not - which causes the discomfort. What is at work are the internalized societal ideals vs. what is our core nature as a person. The tricky part is finding the balance between the two which is ultimately life-affirming for us.

I personally have done much soul-searching with this - more than can be expressed here. Please give my manuscript (http://cydathria.com/files/misc/nowhere.pdf) a read as it details much of how I got to where I am. And please keep in mind that this is my journey and I in no way suggest that it should be yours as well.

Ours is a confusing path through life and we seem to find ourselves at more than our share of crossroads. For me, understanding choices made by other - good or bad - has helped to clarify that which I had to / must do.

While the choices are yours alone, do know that your are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. They are shared by us all.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Maria D]

So a question for those who have accepted that they are TS. How long did you hate yourself for feeling this way, while secretly wanting to be this way as well? Maybe you didn't feel this way at all. How many times did you call yourself a freak when you look in the mirror, and how did you get over it? I guess, How did you just "know"?

Not a stupid question. :hugs:

I've always known what I was, and spent 25 years fighting myself over it, because I thought it was wrong to be that way.
I hated myself yes, but I didn't 'secretly want to be this way', I either wanted it to go away, or for it to be ok to 'be' this way, iyswim; to be one or the other, not stuck hating myself and the world, lonely with shame, guilt and a dirty secret that made me want to die. Either way, I just wanted an end to the pain.

As I said, I'd always known what I was, so it wasn't an epiphany of self discovery that saved me, rather, it was telling someone else and them not burning me alive. It helped me realise that it was ok to be this way, and I started to gain self-acceptance. Once that happened, I was able to start making myself happy, instead of suffering.

As to 'how can this be your life?' Well, it is what it is. You may as well ask 'how can being American be your life?' it simply is, by birth (probably). Just like having a hair colour, it's part of you, and the important thing is not 'it', but how you deal with it. :)

Ms. Donna, while I understand your rejection of the term 'Gender Dysphoria', I do think it's a valid diagnosis from the point of view of society, given that society itself creates the condition. While not my place to tell you how you are, I'd say most TG people ARE uncomfortable with their gender, because society either didn't allow them to be as they are, or because they assumed society wouldn't let them. It's a real 'thing' even if only created by circumstances.
Though English, I believe I recognise the third quote. Anyway, I agree with all three, people in all forms of civilisation have done this to various 'issues', it seems to be inbuilt into the human character. Perhaps it served an evolutionary purpose once.

Take care :)

[Ms. Donna]

I suppose is my 'rejection' of GID goes to the desire "for it to be ok to 'be' this way" and the recognition that all the 'discomfort' has it's origin external to me. I do feel uncomfortable at times, but not with who I am - just where and when I am. As always, just my spin on things - one of an infinate number possible views. :)


Though English, I believe I recognise the third quote.
Another of our country's more colorful characters: we do have a knack for cranking them out. I believe that one can find value and learn from unlikely of sources. Interesting observations and worth the read, I do not fully agree with critique and most definitely do not agree with the associated actions - but there are nuggets of wisdom burried within: the full text of which is on my site.

I'm sure someone somewhere has a list in a file - and I'm on it. ;)

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[mollytyler]

Coming out to others was MY problem early on. There were so many who knew, undestood and were ready to protect/engourage me that I lost the big picture. therapy was a great source early in life to sort out these issues and I HIGHLY recommend a Gender THerapist to all who find themselves questioning their motives/needs.
Could I have been more open ealry in life?? Sure....but like all things it takes some evolving and self realization that you have to be who you are....damn the rest.........just go for it!!!!

[JenniferMint]

As a heterosexual male, I always hated the effects that testosterone had on me (e.g. increased sex drive, acne, facial hair). I had started hating it since age 13, around age 18 I was starting to read about people who got castrations on an elective basis, and finally at age 24, I went to Dr. Kimmel in Philadelphia, PA and had my testicles removed (this was on June 5, 2006).

Note that at this point, I wasn't necessarily transsexual---I could have just been a guy who hated his testicles.

But I realized something: In online social communities, I tend to pick a female identity because I prefer being treated like one. (I hardly interact with people in real life.)

So I've been experimenting with the idea of being M2F lately, training my voice to sound female (it's amazing how much I accomplished in a month, although I still have a ways to go), etc. I'm not sure how far I'll go ultimately, but I'm just taking things one step at a time.

[Sarahgurl371]

Thank you all for responding to this post. I find that in re-reading it I was in a pretty desperate place that evening. This site is the place I come to in those moments. Sometimes I leave feeling better, sometimes not. But either way, I am glad for it. I don't want to think how much more difficult this would be without all of you. Its funny really. When I first joined this site, Oh, I was so afraid. I was taking a huge step, someone might find out, I might admit things I didn't want to. I am finding that my fear seems to serve that purpose... holding myself back from finding out things about myself, I wonder if I created it all in order to supress this, or it comes because of this?

Just the fact that I am posting in the TS section. I remember when I joined this site, like really wanting to check out this section. But not allowing myself too, or if I did, only briefly, just enough to glimpse it and tell myself that I obviously didn't belong on here.

Katrina posted in her response about how it must have been to hear someone say to me that I am probably TS. She was right. It was almost painful. I thought it would be different, affirming, calming. But it was almost the opposite. It was like... holy shit, I really am feeling this. I really am thinking this. This is really me, my life. I thought it would help me allow myself to just be myself, what ever that is, it would give me the courage to just go live life as I want. After all, I am "probably" TS. When the neighbor sees me, when a coworker sees me, when the clerk at a store sees me buying female items while apparently being male, etc. I have the right to be seen. I have been examined. I have adequaltey displayed my insides to an objective observer (judge) and been determined to be being true to myself, and am now therefore allowed my indiscretion from society. But the real struggle for me is allowing myself my indiscretion from me.

I have always thought I was so very accepting of others who are different. Empathetic to their plight. Non judgemental of their lives. Maybe I am not. Maybe I have adapted that public attitude to appear as a better person. One of those who sees what is really important, not just what is on the surface. High and mighty, that's me. Or maybe I am simply treating others the way I wish to be treated? There it is again...flip flop, flip flop.

Someone else suggested in a PM that I allow myself to spend more time en femme. Maybe go out, maybe just make some minor physical changes to my body that more align it to female in form, and see if it feels right. They also suggested that I may find that it does and that I will want to go further. I know that it will. So until I think that I can deal with the result, I am choosing to remain here, now. For it seems that there isn't a question of will I like it, rather, can I handle it? It seems to me that there is no question that I feel this way. But rather I don't like myself for actually contemplating going forward. Almost like taking steps is admitting to myself it's true.

This constant barrage of thought makes me think I am insane. And if I really am insane, then wouldn't my feelings be false? I know I am not insane though. I have been inspected by three mental health professionals now. I wonder if I will allow myself to think that is enough? Or will I push for a forth?

I am rambling now. So I guess that is it for now.

Thanks again for the support and the ear.

[Ms. Donna]

Its funny really. When I first joined this site, Oh, I was so afraid. I was taking a huge step, someone might find out, I might admit things I didn't want to. I am finding that my fear seems to serve that purpose... holding myself back from finding out things about myself, I wonder if I created it all in order to supress this, or it comes because of this?
A quote of Neitzsche's of which I'm quite fond:

Even the bravest of us rarely has the courage for what he Really Knows.
This sums up much of our lives. We already know all of this about ourselves - deep down, burried away and kept out of the light. We deny and repress it. We fear accepting it because it it means that we are not 'normal'. We are 'different' from most others - and we will never be like them. We don't want to admit (or accept) this because it is painful. It hurts like hell because above all else, we simply want to be - without all this other crap as an added bonus. To be brutally honest with ourselves about this is to accept that this is our life - and while we can do things to change it and maybe make it 'better', we will always be who we are.


Just the fact that I am posting in the TS section. I remember when I joined this site, like really wanting to check out this section. But not allowing myself too, or if I did, only briefly, just enough to glimpse it and tell myself that I obviously didn't belong on here.
For me, this section is no so much about 'being transsexual' as it is about dealing with what I see as 'more serious' concerns. It is about the social and emotional issues we face on a sometimes daily basis. It is about what we need to do to become who we were ment to be and to survive as that person.

Yes, it sounds elitest, but by and large, there is a much better signal-to-noise ratio here. IMHO of course.


Katrina posted in her response about how it must have been to hear someone say to me that I am probably TS. She was right. It was almost painful. I thought it would be different, affirming, calming. But it was almost the opposite. It was like... holy shit, I really am feeling this. I really am thinking this. This is really me, my life.
While external validation is all well and good, it should never be a replacement for internal validation. Because after all, exactily what does it mean for someone else to tell you 'what you are'? Look at it this way, you have spent your life with all sorts of people telling you you are a boy or a man. Your parents, friends, co-workers, salespeople, girlfriends (or boyfriends) - hell, practically everyone: and what has it ment? What did this do for you? Did it change who you were? Who you are? No, it didn't. A pshrink 'diagnosing' you as transsexual is no different. You still are the same person: same fears, hopes, dreams, needs. Nothing has been made 'easier' by this. Your decisions in life are exactily the same as before being diagnosed as TS. Where before you were assigned the label 'man', and then adopted the label 'crossdresser', now you have the label 'transsexual'. Other than a new identifier - all things are as they were.


Someone else suggested in a PM that I allow myself to spend more time en femme. Maybe go out, maybe just make some minor physical changes to my body that more align it to female in form, and see if it feels right.
Before you 'do' any imersion therapy, you need to have a good long chat with yourself. You need to come to terms with and to accept the feelings, thoughts and whatnot. Eight years ago, I was where you are now. I recognize the thoughts and feelings and confusion because I had it as well. I was convinced - absolutely - that transitioning was the only possible option for me. I envisioned my new life - loosing family and friends - losing my job - moving away and starting a new life. I played the whole thing out over and over again and as bad as it seemed, it was better than the alternative. But as I started to examine myself - I mean really deal with the difficult issues - I started to be less and less sure about transitioning. Not that I couldn't do it, but that it maybe wasn't the right choice. I was seeing it as the 'easy' choice: not to suggest that it is in any way easy. It was easy from an emotional perspective. To believe this is what I needed was to ignore the root causes for my angst. Had I followed though, I'd have been in a much worse posititon emotionally.


But rather I don't like myself for actually contemplating going forward. Almost like taking steps is admitting to myself it's true.
See the quote at the start of this post. It takes a degree of intestinal fortitude to come clean with oneself. Until you are ready for that step, you have no business 'moving forward'. The funny thing is, once you have taken that step, you may find that the need to 'move forward' has changed. :)


This constant barrage of thought makes me think I am insane. And if I really am insane, then wouldn't my feelings be false? I know I am not insane though. I have been inspected by three mental health professionals now. I wonder if I will allow myself to think that is enough? Or will I push for a forth?

To quote 'The Tick': "You're not going crazy...You're going sane in a crazy world!"

You need to give some serious thought to what all the thoughts really mean to you. Who is Tammy? What does it mean to be Tammy? Can she define who she is with out depending on how others define her? What does she need to be alive? To be a vital human being? To be happy?

Three docs is more than enough - unless you have a thing for pshrinks. ;)

If you are anything like I was at this point, it can start to feel pretty isolating. Please PM me if you want to talk about this more - that includes actually talking if you want.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Michelle Ellis]

Tammy, I just want to offer any support I can, I don't feel I have any advice for you, just that your message sounds a lot like me. If you ever want to talk privately, I'm always up for that, I love to chat.

Good Luck
M

[Clare]

How does one make such a huge change in their lives? Marriage, work, friends. How does one summon the courage to be themselves? No matter what anyone else thinks.Just responding to this part of your post, I currently have a dilemma that is hard to figure out. I have just moved into a house and are sharing with a couple and a single girl all aged about 30ish. Do I tell them I am CD/TG? Do I start wearing femme clothes androdgenously around the house? I don't want to scare them off after only a month of knowing them, but I can't not crossdress or defer using makeup indefinately! This is another aspect to Tammy's thoughts. Why do I have to hide my true self? Is it because of not knowing what their reactions will be? If I tell my roomies, will they tell people I work with or my friends who don't know? I guess not having control over the 'snowball' effect of expressing my transgenderism is what concerns me most.


Those of you who are out and just doing your thing are so uplifting and inspirational to me. I think your courage is tremendous. I find myself not only wanting to trade lives with some ordinary woman I see on the street but with you all as well.Yes, many of the girls here in the forum give me the same inspiration too - and incite moments of jealousy also! :eek:

[cindianna_jones]

Hi all, just another stupid question relating to TG/TS stuff.

So a question for those who have accepted that they are TS. How long did you hate yourself for feeling this way, while secretly wanting to be this way as well? Maybe you didn't feel this way at all. How many times did you call yourself a freak when you look in the mirror, and how did you get over it? I guess, How did you just "know"? It seems that the "symptoms" or "signs" can be so different for every one of us. There is no test.

What happened, or how did you come to terms with this all and just accept yourself for who you are. I am finding nothing that works for more than a couple of minutes at a time.


The answer to this question for me was so complex that I actually wrote a book about it. It took all of my life until I decided to make the change. I kept fighting with myself, family, church, and everyone else when I finally did come out. It was a difficult choice to make but I finally made it and walked the path. I had my surgery 19 years ago. And finally, I can say that these feelings and thoughts are in check.

Cindi

[Lisa Golightly]

I was diagnosed TS, but decided I'd rather classify myself as GS. There is no right or wrong, and the boudaries are only those you accept. It's all a bit of an unknown vista and only you can pick your path. My take on it all... You know what feels right in your head and heart... You just have to be honest with yourself. Sometimes what we think of as defeat is actually an act of liberation.

[Sarahgurl371]

My take on it all... You know what feels right in your head and heart... You just have to be honest with yourself. Sometimes what we think of as defeat is actually an act of liberation.

Being honest with myself means moving forward with this all. And that creates the problem, in my mind. Going forward is something that I want to do, it scares me, excites me, kind of gives me sense of fulfillment thinking of it. But here is where the courage part comes into play. It seems I have lived my entire life trying to please everyone else. Now I am looking only to make myself happy, comfortable. It seems a bit selfish as well.

I have realised that I haven't really lived at all. I have always been a "dreamer" and not a "doer". Now it seems that I want to change this way of living and actually live a little. I don't want the rest of my life to be like the last 35. It is really frightening and even overwhelming to attempt to make "living" a reality. I have always played it safe, in everything. I am very worried about that first step in general, let alone with the whole "gender" thing.

When I look back upon the last two years, two years of really looking at this all and asking myself questions. I see that I have indeed taken the first couple steps along this path. I thought it might get a bit easier after one or two. But its kind of like the song "One step up and Two steps back". I think that I have yet to hit that wall where I say "to hell with it, I don't care anymore", and just push the fear away, or wouldn't it be great to live without fear at all?

BTW I like the quote at the end.

[Michelle Ellis]

I'm just amazed at how similar I feel... I could have written that. The only difference is you seem a lot further along in this, and your understanding of it all.

It would be so nice to live without fear, to please ourselves first and not worry about others. I'm a dreamer too and I know I've got to do something. I hope you find your happiness Tammy, I wish I could say more.

M

[AmandaM]

You can admit to yourself you are TS, but that doesn't mean you have to do anything about it, or make a plan, or anything!

I admit that I probably am TS and if I am, it's okay. That helps, it takes the pressure off. Give yourself a break. You can admit it, but not have to be in a hurry to do somethign about it.

[Helen in OK]

Tammy,

First a little about myself. I am over 57, 5'14" (6'2") tall weighing 192 lbs with a size 12 wide foot and a head that requires a 7 5/8 inch hat, so I don't do petite very well. I have known for over 4 decades I enjoy wearing lingerie and hose. But I always felt a conflict and for the last couple of years I thought I might have a dual personality (one male one female) as it so adequately explained the feeling I was being pulled in opposite directions. I was mistaken.

I always knew I had a feminine side, maybe even a strong feminine side, but I was a man. But I was becoming disgrunted about that phrase, and wanted something better, more definitive. In July 2005 I went to a url posted in another forum and took the COGIATI test. For me the results were shocking. It came back I was not a man in touch with his feminine side who is a cd/tv, but a probable transsexual. That wasn't so bad, but when the diagnosis said I must get professional help because I was at a 50% chance of committing suicide, my foundation crumbled. No longer could I look weeks, months into the future, but only hours and minutes. I had to take a page from AA and was constantly saying if I can only get to the end of the hour, the end of the day. I was severely depressed, and cried a lot. On the morning of 8/23/2005 I finally broke down and said four little words. "I am a woman". It was like a crushing weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally have found some of the peace and tranquility I have always desired. Four simple words. I realize that the results of this test is not sufficient by itself, but between it and several other factors, has lead me to accept the diagnosis.

Physically I am still one of the guys. I still admire a well shaped hose clad leg peeping out from a skirt or dress. It's just now, I am more likely to be envious and even jealous of the woman who inhabits that body, as I wish it were mine. Basically its only my perspective that has changed.

I know the pain and agony of being different and the difficulty of accepting that. At times I do wish I had not taken that test, ignorance is bliss. But I did and it cannot be changed. My point is know yourself and accept it. Do a lot of soul searching. It will be painful, but I believe that you can find the peace and tranquility that I have found.

Tammy, I finally accepted the diagnosis one year ago today, it is still 8/23 where I live. I wish I could say my life has been a bed of roses, but someone forgot to remove the thorns. I still plod on one step at a time, one day at a time. Sometimes it feels like I am going backwards and I get frustrated, depressed again. I too am a dreamer, so to cope I create a happy place in my mind, to escape. But for you, envision a place where you can be happy, being whatever you want to be, a man, a woman, whatever, and begin to accept who and what you are.

Helen in OK (confused no more)

[Deborah]

When i started getting physically sick every time i got upset that i wasn't born a girl instead of a boy i figured i know what i am and who i should be.

[Lisa Maren]

I've identified one of the fuels of my frustration. Until now, trying to understand what I need to do to feel balanced and make progress with my life has meant trying to find a solution that will work for the rest of my life. Now I know that I've been thinking about things all wrong. My femininity isn't something with a fixed... not a definition, but... an essence. It doesn't have a fixed essence. It's something living. It grows; it always has and always will. Therefore, it makes no sense and really is not valid -- at least for me -- to try to find a solution that will last for the rest of my life.

That little nugget makes me feel a lot better and a lot less overwhelmed.

It's a whole lot easier to find a solution good enough for the next... well, the next phase of my life between now and when I feel the discomfort rearing up and it becomes time to adjust the balance again. I know I'll probably need to make adjustments from time to time that will enable me to keep growing, but that's okay; it's part of the growth process.

It works like a potted plant, really. You don't start out with an enormous planter when you've just planted the seeds. You start out with something small and when the roots no longer have any room to grow, you replant it in a larger planter with fresh soil. From time to time you repeat the replanting process and perhaps someday, the plant can be added to the garden, where it will no longer be isolated in its own cramped planter. Meanwhile, you worry about the planter, not the garden -- until it's time for the garden, of course.

Hugs,
Lisa

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Lisa,

Good for you! Whether you realize it or not – and I suspect you do – you have just cleared a major hurdle and it is one which many people – trans or not – never overcome.

We create these identities – ideals of who we are – and latch on to them. We hang them on the wall and proudly state “This is who I am!” And almost daily, we ‘remind’ ourselves of this. As time goes on, we start to change – sometimes in little ways, sometimes in big ways. But change is scary, so we continue to look at the ideal and tell ourselves this is who we are until one day we wake up, look in the mirror and realize that we are no longer that person – and we cannot for the life of us figure out what happened.

Your realization is both unsettling and empowering. It is unsettling because the one thing you thought was stable in your life isn’t. Who you are is something unfixed in time: it has and will continue to change. It is also largely beyond your control – you can influence how you change, but you cannot stop it from happening.

At the same time, this realization is empowering because it has given you something you lacked before: perspective. As you have realized, it is easier to plan the next phase of your life as opposed to the entire rest of your life. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have long term goals – you definitely should. This simply means that the paths to those goals are likely to change – and when they do, you won’t be blindsided by it.

This doesn’t solve the issues, but it does make them easier to manage.

Congrats!

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Stlalice]

I am coming somewhat late to this thread but will add my experience and encouragement to that of the others who have posted here. In short, I always knew growing up that there was something "different" about me that meant that I just didn't "fit in" with the whole male scene. But it wasn't until I was in my 20's that I figured out what it was. That I was quite likely TS. Then came about 20+ years of denial with all the problems of depression, substance abuse, low self esteem, etc. It took what may have been a suicide attempt to make me finally realize that this inner person had to be acknowledged if I were to have any peace. Coming out to my friends/family and starting therapy took a lot of courage - but it has been worth it. A large weight removed from my mind and peace from knowing and accepting who I really am. Making peace with the idea that I am a woman who happens to inhabit a male body and starting to transition has been at times scary, I'm not "out" at work and being close to retirement I have no plans to change that. But once I retire my plan is to finish transition and finally put that conflict to rest. So my advice to you is to take your time and continue with therapy. Talk to your S/O and your therapist and when your have made peace with who you are proceed in whatever way suits you best. Good luck and PM if you need to talk.

[Sarahgurl371]

I was shocked to see that someone posted in this thread again. Thanks

Heres the deal. Recently my therapist (who is homosexaul) told me this...
One day I started to examine myself, who I was, and came to the realization that I was gay. I didn't always "know" this, like everyone says. Once I realized it, things in my past clicked. I was like, Oh, Okay.

Now for me, I have always suspected that I may be TS. But I have never known this. It seems you always hear about these people "knowing" from very early on that they are in the wrong body. I never felt that way. This thing has evolved. Changed over time, mostly the last couple years. Now I have been in a period of pretty heavy self examination over these years, trying to figure the whole CDing thing out as it was having a negative impact on my marriage.

I do believe that we can become "aware" of things latter in life. I have always just been very hard on myself, mistrusting of myself. I must be the one who is making this all up, I think to myself, daily. So I belive others when they say that they didn't always no it, but became aware of it. But don't allow myself the same.

I know why I have always mistrusted myself. Its because I have a very negative self image because....can you guess why? Yep, because I like to dress and appear like a woman. Must be something wrong with that. Normal people don't do this. I have come to this realization... I am not "normal" in this way. Maybe the way I feel is "normal" for me?

Now I still have all the negative self talk that has been my constant companion for several decades now. But with therapy, and information, and you all, I am starting to wonder if maybe I have been too hard on myself all these years for not being manly. Maybe all the therapy stuff is right? Maybe I do need to change how I think about myself in regards to all this, and start loving myself because I am TG? Cuz it ain't going away. And living like this sucks.

Now the problem with that is I am so worried that I am misleading myself, again with the mistrust. And that all the therapists in the world are wrong.

So is it really OK to just "realize" that I feel this way, and because I do means I am? For me, the not "always have known" is normal. Its me, who I am. And that is OK. This is just how its working in me. Maybe I have just buried it all a long time ago, because I couldn't handle it then? Maybe there was nothing to bury, its just showing up now? I swear figure one thing out, and get 100 more questions.

I just assumed, that I should feel like those who say, "I have always known". Maybe it just doens't work that way for me? After all, I am not them, am I?

[Vannacd]

Hi kiddo

You know, you can be a woman in a man's body and still wear men's clothes.

I'm borderline TS but at my age have grown used to living socially as a man. I show distinctively womanly traits, don't try to repress them, cross dress when the mood hits and I live pretty happily.

I guess realizing that maleness and femaleness are part of a continuum, or shades of grey, and not polarities, made me realize I was okay.

[Stlalice]

Tammy,

There is certainly no shame in taking a long time to figure out who and what you are. Just as some know that they are in the wrong body very early in life there are others of us that don't figure it out and accept ourselves until quite late. Just that when you do figure it out there is this feeling that suddenly life makes sense and you understand at a gut level why you felt so out of place. Incidents and events in your past, the way you think and react start to make sense. Then you can get on with living your life in a way that makes sense for you. It has been said that there is no wrong way to transition - but there are many choices. So take your time, talk to your therapists and sort out your options - figure out what works for you. Then go for it! Hang in there and let us know how it goes.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Tammy,

I think that we (you and I) have touched on much of this before. But, for the benefit of those playing along at home… :)


It seems you always hear about these people "knowing" from very early on that they are in the wrong body. I never felt that way. This thing has evolved. Changed over time, mostly the last couple years.
This is likely as common as those who always ‘knew’. I knew as a teenager that something was up – didn’t know what it was – but I knew there was something. Yes, I remember being envious of the girls and wanting to be one of them – but ‘knowing’ I would never be able to do so. It really was over a span of just a few years where it evolved for me as well. And when it finally came to a head, it wasn’t pretty.


I do believe that we can become "aware" of things latter in life. I have always just been very hard on myself, mistrusting of myself. I must be the one who is making this all up, I think to myself, daily. So I believe others when they say that they didn't always know it, but became aware of it. But don't allow myself the same.
I think that instinctively, we ‘know’ things like being gay or trans. The problem is that we have no frame of reference for the feelings. ‘Something’ is there, but we are unable to process what it is we are feeling against a set of known experiences. We simply do not know how to interpret these feelings and so they get pushed around, from one part of our mind to another. Our minds are always trying to reconcile these feelings – much like a background process – constantly reprocessing them as new data (experiences) becomes available. Finally, we accumulate enough experiences that the feelings can be interpreted and it suddenly ‘clicks’ for us. Unfortunately, it’s usually an ‘uncomfortable’ experience.


I know why I have always mistrusted myself. Its because I have a very negative self image because....can you guess why? Yep, because I like to dress and appear like a woman. Must be something wrong with that. Normal people don't do this.
Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. See my reply to Maria in another thread. We are taught that this is wrong, that we shouldn’t be doing this. We grow up ‘mistrusting’ ourselves because what we actually feel does not track with how we are told we are supposed to feel. How can one develop a positive self image when one is constantly feeling guilty and shameful about themselves? The answer: They Can’t.


I have come to this realization... I am not "normal" in this way. Maybe the way I feel is "normal" for me?
YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! – Please do not backpedal on this point.

This is so important. You have validity and worth as a person outside of how others choose (yes, choose) to define you. You know you are a good person and that in reality, you are not ‘doing’ – or asking to do – anything that is actually bad. But the arbitrary morality society has manages to imprint upon you keeps you judging yourself – your thoughts and actions – by everyone else’s standards. This doesn’t mean you should necessarily disregard all social ‘standards’, but you need to temper them with your own morality and self worth. Especially for ‘us’, trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations is an impossible task.


I am starting to wonder if maybe I have been too hard on myself all these years for not being manly. Maybe all the therapy stuff is right? Maybe I do need to change how I think about myself in regards to all this, and start loving myself because I am TG? Cuz it ain't going away. And living like this sucks.
Too hard on yourself? Do you really think so? :rolleyes: My dear, you are way too hard on yourself. I think that it’s time to ease up and try a little nurturing instead. Tammy has been punished enough for wanting to have a life.

And, I don’t think that you should start loving yourself because you are TG, I think that you should start loving yourself simply because you are worth it as a person – TG or not.


Now the problem with that is I am so worried that I am misleading myself, again with the mistrust. And that all the therapists in the world are wrong.
I have a quote from Camus in my sig, “One recognizes one's course by discovering the paths that stray from it.” Whatever your course should be, your current mindset has lead you astray from it. You need to back up and try another path, because the path you’re on is pretty much a dead end.

As far as therapists go, you seem to have a good one. He isn’t pushing you one way or the other and He and I both seem to be on the same page much of the time with regards to your barriers. If you are going to continually second-guess every step, you will never move anywhere. You need to make a ‘leap of faith’ and give yourself a chance.


So is it really OK to just "realize" that I feel this way, and because I do means I am? For me, the not "always have known" is normal. Its me, who I am. And that is OK. This is just how its working in me. Maybe I have just buried it all a long time ago, because I couldn't handle it then? Maybe there was nothing to bury, its just showing up now? I swear figure one thing out, and get 100 more questions.
Yes it’s ok – of course it’s ok. There is no ‘correct’ way to be TG.

Realizing later in life rather than earlier in life means that, well, you realized it later in life. It doesn’t make those who realize it earlier any more ‘real’ about it than you. This is how it’s panning out for you, that’s all. But you should know that this is the case for very many of us, so in that respect, you are not ‘alone’.


I just assumed, that I should feel like those who say, "I have always known". Maybe it just doesn't work that way for me? After all, I am not them, am I?
No hon, you’re not them – you’re you. You need to do what will work for you, not what others have done.

But, as always – you already know this. ;)

:hugs:

Love Ya,
Donna

[gennee]

Tammy, the day I came out to myself as a TG/TV is the day that I was liberated and complete. I never knew that I was transgender until last year. I never had the desire as a child or teen to dress. I didn't even know what transgender was.

I have a saying:'Self acceptance is first step towards self discovery'. It has been true in my life. Each person is different in how they wish to express themselves. There is risk involved too. I told my wife that I dress. At first she wasn't too keen about it. Now she wears my skirts and tops-and I hers. I may tell others about it in the future but for now I am happy.

It has been a wonderful and interesting journey. People will say things about you but if you are self assured about yourself, it won't matter. I pray that you will find the inner peace and joy with yourself.

Gennee

[Rachel_740]

They also suggested that I may find that it does and that I will want to go further. I know that it will. So until I think that I can deal with the result, I am choosing to remain here, now. For it seems that there isn't a question of will I like it, rather, can I handle it? It seems to me that there is no question that I feel this way. But rather I don't like myself for actually contemplating going forward. Almost like taking steps is admitting to myself it's true.

I know I'm a bit late in replying to your thread Tammy.

You sound a bit like me there. Until about 2 1/2 years ago I hid my true self from the world. During my 20's I had a complete wardrobe but before I got married I got rid of my wardrobe and only allowed me to be myself rarely. About 2 1/2 years ago (after I seperated from my second wife) I came to a point of allowing myself to dress more frequently again and venturing out (slowly at first but eventually going shopping etc).

I eventually got to a point where I had opened the flood gates and was so uncomfortable being him that I had no choice but to take things further - it had got to a stage where it was easier to tell the 1000 (approx) people at work and become Rachel than it was to carry on living a lie.

I am now 9 weeks post-op and I've honestly never been as happy as I am now.

Rach
xxx