The Ugly Side Of Divorce

[carson]

Hey girls, I've been away for weeks. Partly b/c my internet has been down and I've had endless computer problems and partly b/c of divorce problems. So get this: When my ex found out last year that I was a CD'er she earnestly promised never to go on the forum. She said she wouldn't invade my private space and since she wasn't supportive, I didn't want her here anyway. Well, turns out she joined behind my back. She made just enough posts to have free run of the place and then downloaded pictures of me and dialog from a couple of threads. She tells me this and shows me the downloads just a week or two ago. She says she joined just because she was trying to "understand". uh huh. Then I wonder how much she thinks she has "understood" from making just three innocuous posts in about 8 months? This woman is dangerously devious and deceptive and an out and out liar. When I found out her forum name and asked her about it, she wouldn't answer me - just wanted to change the subject. I had her forum name and the corresponding member email address (hers) but she wouldn't admit it. When she told me about the pics and dialog she'd downloaded, she said she had only gone on the forum briefly back in January, but I was looking at her posts on my computer screen as we spoke and her last two posts were last month. I can't believe it. This woman is not stupid; she's an executive with a world wide computer company. Maybe she does the same thing at work: lies to serve her puposes and get what she wants. She assures me she isn't going to use the information (read proof) she has about my crossdressing against me in our divorce case...uh huh. Then why break her promise of not going on the forum? Why only make three shallow posts (one being a newbie hello) in almost 8 months if she's really trying to "understand my world"? Why download pictures of me and dialog from threads (including my first ones telling my CD'ing history and what I was wearing while writing the post)? What really saddens me is this is the same woman who, when we were dating in high school almost 30 yrs. ago, said one time, "One of the things I love about you is your strong feminine side." Now I feel like she wants to use the sweet gentle side of my personality to try to hurt me. If any of you girls can convince me that I'm wrong about her intentions then please let me know. But she has lied about many other things...sigh. Oh well. Carson's not really afraid of being "outed" I just hate her deception and I'm disappointed in her. :(

[Sarah Rabbit]

I think you have answered your own question. When a person believes they have been wronged be it Real or Perceived, things can turn nasty. Try to minimise any potential problem. If it comes to Court and Lawyers, tell your Lawyer everything, they will know how best to combat it in Court. If your 'Other' Life is made public, what are the repercussions, would you be persecuted at work, will your family accept. Now is the time to consider all possible contingencies and prepare for any outcome. You are on a difficult road, be strong and no matter how bad it gets, it will get better in the end.

Hugs, Sarah R. :bunny:

[Carroll]

One question, do you have kids that will be in a custody suite? I assume you have a good laywer set up. You need to let him know about your cding, and you will most likely need to educate him about our little world. Copy the post you just wrote, and also and thing that she wrote here. I am guessing she has been planning this for a while. If she makes a comment on this thread save it also. Document EVERYTHING, whether you think it is relitave or not.
I wish you nother but the best. I have been through 2 divorces so I know the stress it can bring.

keep us updated ok?

:hugs: :love: Carroll

[lynn27]

Carson;

Wish you the best, but it doesn't look good. Sure sounds like she is arming herself for a battle.

You might want to defuse the situation. Put aside the anger and talk with her about your relationship [without dressing being the overriding issue]. Does she want to stay with you? Have things gone too far to repair? Would counseling help? You really have to decide what you want. I think she knows what she wants....

I believe honesty is always the best policy. And is spite of how safe you feel at the computer, there is really no way to keep your on-line words and actions safe from someone out to hurt you.

If you hope to save the marriage don't dress for the time being. Without purging, you might want "clean up" and store everything out of your home. While you are at it take an inventory and see if anything is missing.

Good Luck

Lynn

[Calliope]

It looks like spouse trouble is coming your way. The advice (above) to tell lawyer upfront is especially sound. Hopefully you do not have kids, that will simplify things in court considerably. Probably the best is to get out on your terms as much as you can, then her 'power' is reduced. Why purge or hide your clothes - that could intimate you are 'ashamed.' But... speaking as someone who had a terrible divorce (back in 1984), try to zip all alcohol or drug consumption (should you indulge), you'll need your every last wit. Good luck.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

It's nice to hear about the ugly side of divorce, normally people just talk about the warm fuzzy side of it.

[Kerry Owens]

there is a "warm fuzzy side" of divorce????:hypnotized: you gotta be kiddin me!:violin:

[Tracy_Victoria]

Sorry Carson

But I think you need to take some of the blame here yourself. From the sounds of your post you seem to have known your wife was unhappy with the relationship between the two of you, and whats more, if you say to someone don't look, they most certainly will.

From reading your post it seems you left your self wide open here, Yep I agree what happened to trust, but there again if your swanning of doing your own thing, and you know she is looking for ammo, why load the Gun!

Sadly for most, crossdressing is a solitary passtime, even in my case with a understanding SO that struggles to see me fully dressed, this is the case, but who knows what the future hold for us. but I have been honest and she visits here, yet i still don't curb what I write, as I want her to know the full truth about what my dressing means to me!

However if you are outed or found out, and your relationship seemed aready to be struggling what else can she do, sadly any divorce lawyer worth his salt (if it comes to that!) is going to say well if you can prove to the court he has been acting unreasonable (and crossdressing is considered just that!) we can get this issue deal for you much quicker! And that is just what happens in many cases.

To me, all your wife has done, is protect her own interest, and if you knew she was not happy with you, your relationship, your crossdressing what ever, and you continued to leave you self wide open and blindly carried on with out a care, sadly you can't blame her for her action, they might not be nice to be on the recieving end of, but all the same, you can't blame anyone for trying to close any matter there unhappy with, as quickly as possable. (and probably on her lawyer instructions!)

it's a cruel world out there!

[Tamara Barclay]

After having gone thru a divorice (and my ex outing me to EVERYONE in order to justify her affair), all I can say is I'll put you on my prayer list!
My ex swore to me that it would never be an issue, that she would never use it against me....yea...right!
I ADORE my current wife...but I never ever will trust a woman 100% again.
I wish you the best!

[Stormgirl]

Another reason I'm not going to get married unless she signs a prenup

[Siobhan Marie]

Thats all the more reason for me to remain single. Thats a can of worms that I could do without opening as my parents don't know about me. They know that I wear panties and sleep in nighties but thats all they know.

:hugs: Anna x

[Julie Avery]

Some divorces are uglier than others, but every divorce is ugly. The people who are getting divorced became intimate, which is also to say made themselves profoundly vulnerable to each other, based on a committment, and now the committment is being abandoned. Hurt feelings reach especially deep because of the intimacy and vulnerability that was risked based on the committment.

I think that sometimes divorce is the best alternative, but I would be quick to add, it is always extremely painful - in a once in a lifetime way, for most - and ought not to be approached lightly.

I'd also say that both parties to a divorce would do well to engage in reflection about where they did wrong, even if the best they can come up with is having been blind to things about their partner that it turns out they could not live with.

[annekathleen]

Divorce meant that I had to buy my own female clothes!
I used to enjoy her panty drawer, now I have better panties than
she ever did!

[Katrina]

Carson, I feel for you. My ex and I went through a "frosty" phase during our divorce when she thought I was trying to nickel and dime her with splitting our stuff. She wanted me to pay for the lawyer and I was under the impression that she would split it with me. I ate the cost of the lawyer (he was more of a mediator and drafted our marital settlement agreement) and after that she was much more reasonable. We had some dicey situations after that but some well thought out communications quickly diffused any situations. I basically bit my tongue for a year while we were separated. By the end of the year, I didn't care anymore so it was not really an issue. We still talk every now and then and are on good terms although I have not seen her in person for two years or so now. Good luck! PM me if you need to talk.

[DonnaT]

Ask your lawyer if he/she can keep the downloaded info out of the court records. Seems to me that by admitting to being a CD, then there would be no need for the downloads to be added as evidence.

[lynn27]

Carson,

How are things going? Let us know when there is an update. Good Luck

Lynn

[GG Vanya]

Ask your lawyer if he/she can keep the downloaded info out of the court records. Seems to me that by admitting to being a CD, then there would be no need for the downloads to be added as evidence.


It is also quite possible that the downloads won't be admissable in court. "Anyone" could have joined here using your computer, even HER, if she has access to it.

Using any type internet correspondence as evidence is a tricky affair. They must prove you and no one else posted those words and pictures.

I am not sure what the procedure is here, but with AOL, it involves a court order.

I agree with those who advise you to come out to your lawyer now! He or she cannot defend you against the unknown.

There is also a web page listing kink friendly professionals. http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/ Here you can find doctors, lawyers, etc. who are educated about alternative lifestyles, and yes CDing is one of their specialties, and can better represent you against the bigots.

Just google "kink friendly professionals" and there are MANY other sites with lists.

[Rita Knight]

Hi Carson,
I am sorry about your divorce and hope do not have lasting depression over it. I am a divorced person myself and know what you are going through. I do not think I will ever remarry.

Some things to remember.

Who said "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"?

While many attribute the quote to William Shakespeare, it actually comes from a play called the "The Mourning Bride" (1697) by William Congreve. The complete quote is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."
Congreve (1670-1729) was an accomplished practitioner of the wit and cynicism made famous by his contemporaries Jonathan Swift and Alexander Pope. His last play, "The Way of the World," (1700) is considered a classic of Restoration comedy

Also, there is one winner in divorce, The Lawyers!. Even my ex agrees on that.

[tekla west]

In Maria Von Trapp's autobiography (the basis for the Sound of Music) her mother keeps telling her "that where ever god closes a door he opens a window." Once your out, your out, and in the long run the grief, worry, shame, fear and all that is worth some price to get rid of. I'm sure its not the way you wanted it to happen, but things happen sometimes on thier own.

Time changes people too, I think too much emphisis is placed on "forever" when that in fact turns out to be a long, long time.

I remember one of her friends screaming at me when I was getting a divorce that "She is the same woman you fell in love with in high school" and my reply was - and remains - "Yeah, well I'm 25 years, 2 kids, and 3 college degrees out of high school now and I'm not the same while she still is - don't you see a problem there?"

And this is a legal deal, get a lawyer. Now.

[Maureen Henley]

there is a "warm fuzzy side" of divorce????:hypnotized: you gotta be kiddin me!:violin:

i don't know about warm and fuzzy, but with every divorce story I hear, I appreciate my first wife more and more. When we divorced in 1984 after 3 1/2 yrs of marriage, she would not accept a 50/50 property split, telling me to keep the land my parents had given us as a wedding gift (worth about $15K then), and taking only half the household goods. She did not contest the divorce in any way. There are decent women around. I've been married to one for almost 22 years.

[Christina Nicole]

I feel badly for you and your situation.

First of all. Too late! She's probably seen this posting and is using it to confirm everything else she downloaded. Second of all, plausible deniability. Pictures of your legs might be yours, might be someone else's. Why don't I post a picture of myself? Even a picture that does not include my face might include in the background a painting on the wall or something else that we detract from deniability. You have to review every picture you posted and see if you can deny it. Also assume that your wife is trying to match and validate them.

People, if you have something to lose by being "outted" then try to maintain some deniability. A word to the wise is sufficient.

Finally, I know a CDer personally (not from a web site) who was outted in the divorce proceedings. The opposing attorney tried to use crossdressing against the CDing spouse. The CDer's council had prepared well in advance and turned the situation around. The CDer did OK; even won custody of both children.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole