At the Crossroads Amy or Ernie

[RiversideCT]

I'm nearing the day I have dreading. Being forced to decide between being myself all alone and being a member of my family.
My wife will not accept my Amy. She does accept that I am TS and that I am Amy inside. She would prefer that the outside remain male.
Most advice that I get from other people, TS or not, is that I have to be me.
She makes me feel so guilty. If I leave then that ruins everything. My son will have trouble paying for college and she will have to sell the house. 100 other things that it changes.
Her biggest concern is that is my situation gets out then people will be talking about her.
I love her. I love my son and he loves me, though he does not entirely understand nor does she.
She believes that if she lets me dress up and go out from time to time that will fill my needs. But my feelings are much deeper.
I feel selfish.
Last night she was talking about separation and divorce (not the first time).
I am still depressed and I can't shake it. Will I be able to continue to live with her and keep everything the same and shake the depression?
She went off because I was depressed yesterday. She can't deal with it anymore.
In the interim I said that I will try to live as she wants. But I am conflicted. I know that no one and give me the right answer. I have to decide on my own. Mostly I feel like there is no way I can decide.
There is no compromise she will NOT be married to a woman!
I wonder is anyone has successfully made it through with wife by their side? Is there a way to shake the depression while keeping the family life? I have been depressed for more than a year.

I have seen two therapists and a psychiatrist and they all agree that I am TS.

[Shelly Preston]

hi Honey
This sounds like an extremely difficult choice.
I assume from your statment you have been to doctors and they agree you are TS.
You and only you can make this decision, but make sure you are clear in your mind, why you have made any decision.

good luck

[sparks]

Believe me you are ot the only one going through this! It's been a difficult time here as well. If you need to talk I'm here. I've already folded my stuff and put it outta reach but it seems never to be enough. The problem here go deeper than just my dressing. But I believe they all stemmed from it.

Luv sucks!!

[Emily1]

sounds like you know the answer - and have had it confirmed by 2 professionals just to make sure ..... you have no easy choices to make and you know you must make them in order to continue to live your life as you wish to .... Life is too short NOT to be selfish ..... you've probably had a good few years with your wife and your kids will either come round or not ....let them find part time jobs for college like millions of others ....
Make that choice and BE YOURSELF - not being miserable as someone else wishes you to be ........:hugs:

[JenniferMint]

Would your wife mind having another woman (you) as her roommate?

[RiversideCT]

"There is no compromise she will NOT be married to a woman!"

[Sarahgurl371]

Hi Amy, I feel your situation. My wife and I have been living in this state for over 2 years now. I have no advice to offer you. I can only tell you that you are not alone in this, there are many of us living every day like this. Stuck between where we would like to be, and where we feel we must stay, out of love, guilt, fear, whatever.

I worry about the depression as well, its a constant. I hope that if things get too bad for you in that respect that you will talk to someone about it and do what is necessary to try and ease it a little, hopefully alot.

As for me, I am starting to wonder what is the point in continuing in a marriage that obviously isn't working for either person? And asking myself why I am choosing to stay in it, whatever I must do in the future for myself.

I know that there isn't an easy answer. I wish there were. Hang in there. I keep thinking that one nice thing about being on the bottom of the barrel is that there is only one way to go...UP!

[RiversideCT]

Even my therapist is saying to me to do what will make you happy. Do what you can live with.

[GypsyKaren]

This is how my wife Kat and I dealt with the issue of "living with a woman"; she was able to see me for who and what I truly am, a person, the same person she fell in love with in the first place. One thing we don't allow in our house is labels, they have a way of sticking to you and tripping you up.

Karen

[Stephenie S]

Dear Amy,

There is a couple in Maine. They managed to stay in love and to stay married. They were both on Oprah a while back. I'm sure you could find out by looking through Oprah's archive shows.
The transexual woman (ex husband) teaches at a university in Maine, UVM? perhaps. She has written a book about it all. Check out Amazon.com to find the title. If these two people can do this, there may be hope for you and your wife. I remember watching the Oprah show and being very impressed with both of them. Unfortunately, Oprah seemed too fixated on the sexual aspect of it all. Some of her questions seemed a bit inapropriate to me.
I will try and find this book and post the title for you. Or maybe just PM you.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Stephenie S]

Dear Amy,

I found it. The books is called "She's Not There, A Life in Two Genders", by Jennifer Boylan. Jennifer Boylan teaches English at Colby College in Maine. Her book is available from Amazon.com for less than $5. Or, of course, at your local library. I have not read this book, but I did see the interview on Oprah. The couple has stayed in love and stayed together. An inspiration to us all.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Angie G]

Amy sorry I don't have the answer you need its hard I know .
I will pray all go the way you need I'm hoping good things for you hang in there you need 2 :hugs: :hugs: girl.
Angie G.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Amy,

Popular opinion (that of the TS community in general) is as you say: this is who you are and you need to do what is necessary to be happy. But as you have come to realize, there is more to your personal happiness than becoming a ‘woman’.

Family, for trans-people in particular, is a mixed blessing. On the one hand (and for most all people), family brings a level of joy and completeness to our lives unavailable by any other means. In many ways, they become a major part of our purpose in life. This makes it difficult – if not impossible – to knowingly take action which will affect them in a negative way.

On the other hand… the above works against us as well. Because we are unwilling to hurt those we love, we are now faced with the dilemma of fulfilling our destiny (how dramatic) or somehow dealing with things for the sake of our family. As you also realize, there is no easy answer. You cannot cop out of this decision: it’s your’s and your’s alone.

Some (a few) of us here, while fully understanding and accepting who and what we are, have made – what my therapist agrees – is a very tough choice. We have decided that the cost of loosing our family is simply too great. It is a price that we are unwilling to pay. Yes, our wives ‘get it’ – at least on an intellectual level – but much like your own, they too do not want to be married to a ‘woman’. They too are concerned with how others will react – what they’ll say and to whom they’ll say it.

I have related my story many times, but the essence thereof is this: at the end of 1997, all of this came to a head for me. I was sure I was really a ‘woman’ and that I needed to transition. My wife’s reaction was not different from yours and there was discussion of divorce and the like. Emotionally, things were shaky enough that had I really wanted to, I could have had out: if fact it would have been easy. But, as messed up as I was and as sure of what I needed to do as I was, the one thing that remained constant was this: I refused to compromise my position of keeping my family. Impossible as it seemed – impossible as I was told it was – my goal was to find a balance. I didn’t know how I would, or what it would be, but I was determined. After two years of education, introspection, discussion and what not, I finally arrived at an identity – a sense of self – which did not require me to transition: at least not in the ‘traditional’ sense.

As I do not ‘identify’ as either a ‘man’ or a ‘woman’, I realized that I needed to be able to express this in a regular basis: not once a week – not now and then – but all the time. I needed to be ‘me’ as 24/7 as possible. What has helped me with this is that I’m not especially ‘girly’ (although my wife might feel otherwise). As such, I’m not into the dresses and skirts bit – yea, its fun, but its not who I am. My presentation comes out being rather androgynous – kind of a soft-butch look. As I had always managed to mix women’s clothing into me regular wardrobe, what has happened is that the balance has shifted to where I now mix some men’s clothing in my wardrobe. :)

As a result, it’s a coin-toss as to who I’ll be read and I’m fine with that. Actually, that is exactly what I’m going for: to challenge the norm by being who I am. It’s usually enough to satisfy me needs to be me, but not too much that my wife can’t deal. It’s a balance – a wobbly balance at best – but a balance nonetheless. Sometimes its not enough for me while being too much for her. I push, she pushes back – and usually I give in – recognizing just how much, for her, she really does accept and tolerate this. I won’t pretend that its perfect – scan some of my other posts here for confirmation thereof – but it works: that’s what’s important.

This is not to say, however, that you need to do the same or that this would even be right for you. I offer it as an alternative. Like I said, I was sure I was TS and needed to transition – that nothing else would suffice. Ultimately, I found that there was a ‘middle ground’ – at least for me there was. It took some serious self evaluation and paradigm shifting – the undoing of some 35 years of gender stereotyping – to get there. Ultimately, it was worth the emotional pain and effort. Don’t discount the possibility of there being a middle ground for you as well.

The pshrinks are all well and good, but introspection, self evaluation and open discussion with others (such as this forum provides) will prove to be your best resources for working things out.

That is, of course, in my most humble opinion.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[RiversideCT]

I don't know. I know it's much deeper than dressing. Things I don't feel like broadcasting.

[Ms. Donna]

I don't know. I know it's much deeper than dressing. Things I don't feel like broadcasting.
It's always much deeper than dressing. Believe me, we all get that point. :)

Chances are that your 'deeper' issues are fairly common to most of us here.

PM me if you want to chat more.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Kimberley]

Amy, you are in a tough position. Your therapist is right, you know the answers already. The dilemma is can you live with them. Some of us myself included could not and so chose to keep our priorities elsewhere.

There are always options. The question is always what can you live with...or not. It is a very personal choice only you can make for yourself but many of us here (some have already posted) have made those. Any of us would be willing to share our own experiences.

In my thoughts and prayers... :hugs:
Kimberley.

[Clare]

Hiya Amy. We haven't met until tonight, but as I read through your initial post, I knew how it was going to end (as is nearly always the case in threads of this type).

I'm certain if you read back through your first post that you'll find the answer in your own words. I get the vibe you just needed external confirmation of the decision you have already accepted in your mind.

Go with your internal feelings - you know what they are don't you? Don't let irrational fear and confusion override what you know to be true in your self being.

[Joy Carter]

I wish you peace in what ever you decide and do Amy.:hugs: