Damn you internet...

[stephanie3111a]

Well, the cycle has started again.
1. Spend tons of money on great shoes and outfits with all the accessories
2. Dress for several months on the weekends or any chance I get
3. Become ashamed and disgusted with myself, say I'm quitting and throw everyting away
4. Miss dressing up, so log onto the internet and spend some more money.

Last night Ebay and Frederick's of Hollywood got some more of my $$. Now I am waiting for the UPS man like a little school girl!

I have kept a few things in a small box hidden in my closet, but why can't I stop throwing away my clothes. I have gotten better though, I started to sell most of it on Ebay to help out my sisters out there.

I had so many nice things and now I have to start over! (just to end up seling it all on Ebay at a tremendous loss)

Does anybody else experience this "self-loathing" purging cycle?
I am 33 years old and have been doing this since 18 years old!

[tekla west]

Its very common, might well be one of the few things most of us share is what is called the "Binge&Purge" cycle. So stop doing it. When it gets to be spring do you throw out all the winter stuff cause you can't use it for half a year? Nah. Stop with the guilt. Nothing to feel guity for unless your kids are going without food so you can buy lingerie, but that is not likely.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Stephanie,

Well dear, just stop throwing it away. I know that sound too simple, but it is simple. The next time you purge, don't throw it all away. Just pack it all up carefully and store it. Tell yourself you can always toss it later, just don't.

Sometimes simple problems have simple answers.

Lovies,
Stephenie (with an e)

[Karren H]

I used to do that but no longer. After I realized that Karren was part of me that wasn't going away and that it was nothing to be ashamed of!!

So if you can't get over that hurdle, I'll send you my address!! Hehehe

The economics of purging really suck!! :D

Love Karren

[MsJanessa]

My advice hon is to rent some storage space---assuming you can't keep your "stuff" at home----for 20 dollars a month or so you can keep your clothe, wigs and make up in a safe place and only take it out and play with it when you are so inclined---the rest of the time you can be as butch as you want. Next time you feel like purging, try that.

[Casey Morgan]

I know the purge cycle too. I threw everything away once just to begin again a few years alter. I wanted to purge two or three years ago but I was waiting for a time when I could throw everything out without anybody knowing. Eventually I just said the heck with it and kept everything hidden. When the urge to dress came back this year, I didn't have to start from scratch.

Now I don't have to worry about purging. I decided to work on step #3. That's why I'm here. It hasn't been easy but it really has been worth it.

[Melinda Lou]

I'm 37 and have been acquiring and purging clothes since I was probably 13. I remember at least two occasions when my wife and I were dating early on when I was caught (I've never been caught dressed, only had my stashes found) and tossed the contents of my panty drawer promising never to do it again...of course we all know that doesn't work. I was back at it again in a few weeks with a new hiding place and some of the same stuff, rebought. This gets expensive and denies reality--we all know we're going to dress again eventually. I finally learned to keep my "wardrobe" modest and to stop feeling guilty about the clothes I wore. Haven't purged in a while now. :)

[Calliope]

Yeah, that's rough. Although I've never purged fem clothes, I've had a lifetime habit of tossing personal stuff - book manuscripts, master tapes, personal photos. The general concept is the same as what you (and so many others) describe - rejection and anger. I suspect it's similar (in its minor-league manifestation) to what cutters go through - a cycle of self-damage to bring bottled emotions to the front. I wish I had advice, it's something I continue to struggle with.

[Michelle_cd_girl]

My experience is that purging is a form of denial because you're not dealing with the issue properly. Purging doesn't "cure you", doesn't move you any closer to any harmony within, and it doesn't fool anyone who knows anything about crossdressing. All it does is make matters worse by hitting you in the wallet later, reinforces your ultimate lack of control over this, and makes you feel worse in the long run.

My advice is to get some counselling. Maybe then you can stop fighting yourself and realize that it's part of the package deal, and begin to accept and enjoy this very real facet of your person. Your problem isn't crossdressing, your problem is HATING yourself for it.

Michelle

[Stormgirl]

oh sure blame the internet

[LaceyDee]

I think we all have gone through the buying and purging cycles ant least once and speaking from experience, more than just a few times. If only we can just accept this as a very interesting part of our life, maybe we would all feel a lot better about ourselves. Guilt is a terrible thing.

[Tina Dixon]

We have all purged, cloths not to bad of a item to get rid of but hang on to the expensive stuff, breast forms wigs shoes, dresses and skirts you can go to the goodwill and get cheap.

[Janelle Young]

I did the purge once and a few years later started buying and dressing again, very costly. If you can get to the point where you accept yourself for what and who you are, a crossdresser, the urge to purge should go away. You have to be comfortable with yourself before that can happen though.

If you still feel the need to throw it all away or sell it, I agree with the others that to pack it up and store it is a better and cheaper way to go.

[spoonie]

Hi Stephanie
I’ve been a cross dresser for over fifty years, and I have gone through the same feelings as you, Purging, self denial, and re emerging. I have been to counselling. And psychiatrists plus I have self harmed/attempted suicide. For over forty years I have fought Too become “normal” It’s only in the last two years that I have come to terms with my fem side thanks to web sites like this one. So in answer to your question yes I know what it is like .
:sad:

[bgirl]

Many times. I felt the pain that caused the purges and seemed caught in an endless loop. Desire, urge, compulsion, overwhelming joy, revulsion,shame,guilt,sorrow, purge. I never got the clean slate I was looking for. I am doing my level best to embrace myself and except this part of me. This is so difficult and requires great effort, and for me even tears. Being here has given me my best effort yet. Alone, I am only one. When I am here I am never alone. We have a long way to go but if others can get there then so can I. And you too.

[jo_ann]

i've only purged a little bit once when I first started doing it at the age of 16, and I damned myself for doing it.. wish I could get those clothes back.

[Sky]

Does anybody else experience this "self-loathing" purging cycle?

Not very often. I'd say, no more than twenty times. :heehee:

[Jodi Lynn]

I use to do the purging thing ever so often, but it hit me look at all the money I am throwing away. So now when I purge I put everything away in a duffel bag and put it away for awhile. Only thing I do purge is my makeup but that is because it doesn't keep anyways.

[Renee D]

I have french manicured nails (actually they are american manicure) not real long. I can't tell you how many times I have had my nails done (at a salon $30 or more) and then come home and felt bad and taken them off immediatley. Then I start wishing I had them back on. Now I just keep my nails in an american manicure ALL the time. I constantly fight the urge to take them off and swear I'll never have them done again.

The funny thing is I REALLY, REALLY love having my nails on all day long. Also, one of the best things is actually going to the salon and having them done and talking to the other woman in the salon. It is truely one of the things I always look foward to....going to the salon. My confidence soars when I have my nails done.

I have come to realize I can't get rid of my cd side!!!

[Shelly Preston]

Feeling guilty, start purging, forget it.

It does not work
You seem to be going between extremes. stability is needed. Packing the clothes away it the best option, besides you wont feel more guilty by spending extra money on more clothes.

So take a deep breath calm down and decide what is right for you.
You need to find out who you are before it causes more of the vicious circle.

[Siobhan Marie]

Feeling guilty, start purging, forget it.

It does not work
You seem to be going between extremes. stability is needed. Packing the clothes away it the best option, besides you wont feel more guilty by spending extra money on more clothes.

So take a deep breath calm down and decide what is right for you.
You need to find out who you are before it causes more of the vicious circle.

:iagree: I can only agree with Shelly as I've done the self same thing myself before.

:hugs: Anna x

[Krystenw]

I have purged several times in my sojurn thrugh life. The last time I got a couple of the tall plastic garbage cans with lids and even went so far as to put duct tape around the tops. I put them in the shop so it would be a little more difficult to get to them. I think I lasted about 18 weeks before I drug them back into the house and hung everything back in my closet.

[Barb Valentine]

I think as we get older we learn that it's better to
just pack it away instead of throwing it away
(And it's cheaper too)

[sherell]

Purged once or twice when I was young but now find it hard to chuck any clothes out. don't no why.

[dann]

The only advice I can offer is for you to sit and look at your crossdressing in total.Focus on the dressing itself. Ask yourself the question (while not dressed) "am I truley ashamed of the fact that I wear women's clothing?"
I think the first step is being able to mark that off the list of the things that shame you about your behaviours.I think that purging in and of itself is rooted in one's own non-acceptance of one's self.Hence, I see it as part of a denial process.I went through it many times, and regret every one of them.

For a long time, for myself, crossdressing was tied directly to sexual issues i had.I placed cross dressing in the same dark shameful closet that I hid a life long porn addiction. When I started working on the addiction, the other, non-sexual, connections i have with my crossdressing showed themselves.At that point I found the way to accept crossdressing as a wonderful part of me.

Binging and purging, in my opinion, is suffering. And I truley feel for you and anyone else who is still in that stage. I was there and realize now how much I hated it and how miserable I really was inside.

dann

[Margette]

yeah purging is something people do when they have not fully accepted themselves as they are; its akin to an alcoholic thinking they can just,
"throw all their booze out, brush their hands together three times and leave it all behind"; or a homosexual thinking they can be "cured".

I'm 35 and I purged my clothes a few times in the past, but I will never again, I have gradually come to accept and moreover appreciate myself. I wanted to reject my difference because of the difficulty it can add to relationships and to your life, but I know better now. :GE:

ooollllllooo

[gwenrob43]

I've done it a couple of times; didn't work. Didn't stop the bad feelings either.

I won't do it again. My wife knows now, so that's a big monkey off my back. I'm getting older, no one to please but me. And I like dressing!

Besides you can look at it another way, you're supporting the economy! Of course, with the amount of clothing I buy, I'm supporting the economy too. Good luck.

Love,
Gwen

[Adrienne Heels]

I used to buy things, wear them once or twice, and then toss them. Now that I have gotten into dressing seriously, with makeup and a wig and quite a bit of stuff, I plan (hope?) not to want to purge again. I don't feel guilty when I shop or dress, and I think that is a good sign.

[Angie G]

HI Steph before my wife know I got rid of a lot of things but now she knows and is 90% o.k. with it I'm keeping thing now and loving it ya babe.
Angie G.

[Dee 1062]

I have four times and it cost me money....I even threw everything in a fire to get it out of my life...yes even my makeup......Wow, I can't belive I threw my make up in the fire:) anyway now when I get that feeling...I pack everything away and forget for awhile...next thing you know I find my lip stick then my eye makeup and then everything else....It makes me HAPPY>:)