Marriage and the cross-dresser

[sparks]

Dressing and Marriage
Dressing and Marriage
Doesn't always Hook together like a horse and carriage
Listen to me Sister! You may still end up the Mister

Yes I've been doing more thinking on this subject than "I" should be allowed. For a good long while I'm going to remain the man in the family. The stress on the relationship is definitely not what it needs.
We have threads here before about Cding being selfish or not. Well right now I believe it is or rather I am. I've spent alot of time trying to figure out who I am, what does this stuff mean to me, To what extent do I want to dress. Yatta Yatta. But whilst i was digging and freaking out over some of this stuff. I totally forgot to what effect this might be havaing on the one I luv. She is a far more important part of me than dressing.
Sure dressing is a intrecle part of me and who I am. But should I not have had the guts to tell my spouse about it before we married. I can come up with alot of excuses like I loved her, couldn't live without her, I belived I could stop, what a little something I should just keep to myself.
I don't know what I'm getting at but the important thing is I don't recall anywhere in our wedding vows a part where she said "I will accept you as a woman too" I've gone over that many times and don't recall hereing those words.
We have gone over this all a number of times. But still I continued on developing apart of me, nuturing it. All without or caring about the hurt I'm causing to the woman I agreed to spend the rest of life with. Even here I don't think I've been fair to her. We have a discussion and I will get upset and post it because I need the support. And I do have it because I have all of you here to discuss my problems and who does she have. No one. I've forced her into my closet and she did not have a choice. Sure she can talk to ppl about this cding. But she takes the same risks I do. Once outted she may lose that friend, sister or whoever.
I've offered for her to join and learn but to someone who has no wish to accept, learn or have anypart of cding why would she want to?
So that leaves a choice does it not. Continue to dress or not. And in the end it's not really a win or lose situation, it's a choice to stay together no matter what.
Neither of us really believe in divorce. I've offered it and was declined. Though had I not been weak willed and offered before the kids she would have accepted.
I'm going to stand behind this beautiful loving wife of mine as she works through the troubles she is having. I'm going to remove an area of stress that she doesn't need. We are getting her therapy and later couples therapy. We need to rebuild the foundation our little empire was first built on. I'm still going to get her to join this forum. Not because I want acceptance but because there are wonderful ppl hear that offer support on so many levels. I seriously doubt that she will.
I just felt I needed to write this I'm not sure why. Guilt maybe, most likely.
I find sometimes it helps to type it down. And if by some chance it helps another or even gives someone a little something to think about, Bonus!

[penelope fletcher]

wow sparks, you certainly have given it a lot of thought. i have no answers to what you have said.we are all differant, and so are our reasons for dressing, i wish you well in your choice, and that it works out well for you and your wife. love penny xxxx

[Calliope]

I can come up with alot of excuses like I loved her, couldn't live without her, I belived I could stop, what a little something I should just keep to myself.


I think it's dangerous to assume you (or anyone) 'couldn't live without' her (/ him), that's like surrendering your fate.



I'm going to remove an area of stress that she doesn't need.


What happens if you do that - and then she requests the removal of more of your persona?

I applaud your sensitivity to your wife - but your needs are half the partnership formula, too.

[Tina Dixon]

Sparks my friend some times you just need to let it out and I know where your at and most here sort of know to, what to do? Some times they say let the SO or wife know is good, but my self I wish mine would never found out, but hey your hanging with her and doing the hard stuff, looks like she has one hell of a gem in you.

[SherryLynn GG]

I think its great that youre thinking about your wife, and some of you may not believe im saying this but you shouldnt have to give up everything to make her happy.

You shouldnt have to give up a part of yourself and be miserable just so she is happy. A marriage is a relationship that should be 50/50, I understand she doesnt accept or want to be any part of it and thats a tough one but my husband has offered to stop CDing many times

He says I shouldnt have to deal with CDing, that I dont deserve it...and ya know what I tell him that I married him, ALL of him....I wouldnt ever ask him to change and be unhappy. Paige is part of him and I love her too.

I think maybe with the therapy you mentioned and some time things will work out for you and your wife. As far as joining this forum, I would ask her but I wouldnt force it on her if she says no. But if she does wanna join but doesnt feel comfy posting she is more than welcome to send me a PM anytime.

I do hope everything works out for you, whatever choices you make remember that you BOTH deserve to be happy. :)

[Michelle_cd_girl]

I know that CDing can be compulsive and obsessive, and at times, we lose some balance in the equation when we become transfixed (good term huh?) by our own gender dilemma.

However, I believe that however well-intentioned your current motives are, denial of an id-level psycho-emotive force inevitably results in resentment projected toward those who inhibit its expression. You cannot "stop". You can, however, step back and rebalance. But outright denial can be just as destructive to both you and those you love, as obsessing on the issue can be (regardless, you won't find your answers overnight).

I would hope you try to find a happy medium common ground that you both can be comfortable with. If she loves you, then she'll want to at least understand why you are the way you are. She won't tell you you're not acceptable, she'll want to work with you. You're not a serial rapist for goodness sakes, you're an innocent crossdresser. I think a common misconception is to group it as sexual deviant behaviour, when really it's a gender association thing that makes us more in tune with women (to their general benefit!). This is a gift, not a curse.

I wish you luck, wisdom, and understanding.

If men are pigs, crossdressers are a silk purse, made from a sow's ear.

My 0.02

[DonnaT]

I think its great that youre thinking about your wife, and some of you may not believe im saying this but you shouldnt have to give up everything to make her happy.

You shouldnt have to give up a part of yourself and be miserable just so she is happy. A marriage is a relationship that should be 50/50

Ahh, but there's the rub.

She's given up things so Sparks can be happy, so now Sparks is trying to give up something so her wife can be happy.

So, should Sparks' wife continue the giving up, or should Sparks?

Good luck Sparks.

Many have tried it and didn't succeed. Some have managed to keep it in check, however.

I've tried it but didn't succeed. There has been and continues to be some give and take, but my wife knows that there will be no more attempts at stopping completely.

So, like many other issues in a marriage, there needs to be room for compromise. That way, neither partner is unhappy all the time.

[SherryLynn GG]

Ahh, but there's the rub.

She's given up things so Sparks can be happy, so now Sparks is trying to give up something so her wife can be happy.

So, should Sparks' wife continue the giving up, or should Sparks?

Good luck Sparks.

Many have tried it and didn't succeed. Some have managed to keep it in check, however.

I've tried it but didn't succeed. There has been and continues to be some give and take, but my wife knows that there will be no more attempts at stopping completely.

So, like many other issues in a marriage, there needs to be room for compromise. That way, neither partner is unhappy all the time.

Honestly I dont think any person in any relationship should have to give up something that causes them to be unhappy....I think just as you said and as I said its 50/50, there should be a compromise made so that both people are happy...........being in an unhappy relationship isnt healthy for either person, regardless of what is causing them to be unhappy...just my opinions :)

[surc777]

I am not married, but am engaged to a woman who not only accepts but is encouraging of my crossdressing. I am part of a fortunate few. But relationships are about limits, in many regards. Is there a happy medium that you folks can arrive at? I, personally, would not dress in front of my children when we have them, that is more than a six year old should be asked to understand. On the other hand, this, to me, as an addict and former addict to many things , is an addiction. Technically, I think it is cureable if you think of it as a disease ( think of the root, dis as un, ease, lack of comfort) but even if it is, no addicition is ever completely over. You will still have cravings and desires, even if you become ok with stopping, but on the other hand, if it is an addiction, is there a less harmful one? So you wear pants with only one leg - a skirt. So you like to wear things that make you look girly; that does not make you less a man when the situation calls for it. You harm noone else by it. You cause yourself no harm. My last two addictions that I have not overcome are alcohol and smoking - two of the most harmful. I reduced my smoking and drinking to almost a medical level - basically to stop the withdrawls from the substances, then no more until the DT's hit again. She needs to understand that this is a part of you, as much as my drinking and smoking are a part of me. In addition to the physical dependence, their is an emotional dependence as well, and she would not want to see you suffering delerium tremons from stopping alcohol all of a sudden, would she (trust me, not fun, unless gran mal seizures are your idea of a good time. Catch a fish and immediately throw it on dry land and watch it twitch sometime. It is virtuallly identical.) But yours is not only not destructive, it is more integral to who you are. It makes you more sensitive, as a rule, not just in day to day life but also in bed. I had the good fortune to date a woman who was bisexual once, and made her teach me everything she could about why a lot of women feel that only other women know how to make them satisfied in bed. You probably have a natural empathy that most men don't have.

In short, you CAN stop, you CAN be different person, your "addiction" (it is more than that but similar) can go away, but a p[art of you will linger with it and on the whole you will not be the same. The therapist will help her understand that if she loves you, it is because of who you are. Any experience or desire you have contributes to that. You are noble, indeed rather honorable to feel so much for her wishes, but keep in mind that part of your consideration is probably in large part due to the part of yourself that causes you to want to dress. Regardless of what you do, do not lose that part of yourself - dressing or not. That kind of consideration being lost would be a detriment to yourself, your wife, and indeed to all of us. I would that there were more like you.

Best wishes in counciling, my friend.

I sign with my actual name, for the first time anywhere.

Jeremy

[sparks]

Ok! So you give me something to thik about as well. Bonus.
I'm feeling a tremendous bit of guilt about one thing. I've spent awhole pile of time and effort becoming me , balancing me that I've not even noticed that my wife has developed an emotional issue that "has nothing to with my dressing!" But I've been selfish in my nature and neglected her.
I've no idea if this is going to be a permanent state for me or not. Already there are urges to dress. I's used to suppress them anyway.
My wife needs a person to hold her up right now. I'm going to be that person no matter. I have no idea how to help her with what is going on inside her. But even though we talk we don't talk. We lost a level of intamacy. Something we need to have back in order to survive.
I'm currently very happy right now with who I am. I haven't known that for a long time. I've felt in order to be part of a couple I needed to be an individual. Finding that individual has been alot of work. I needed the help I gained through reading here. I'm tired of hiding away and putting myself down inside. Everyday for the last few weeks I've found away to to challenge my nature and surpass it. Introvercy can realy suck and combine that with no self-confidence makes a miserable person.
It's a fight everyday but so far I'm winning and I can focus all positive enegy on my marriage. So besides some guilt I'm feeling darn right good about things

I will leave with abit of Prince

All Seven and we will watch them fall
They stand in the way of luv and we will smoke them all
With the intellect and the savior-fair
No one in the whole universe will ever compair
I am yours now and you are mine
and together we will love trhough all space and time
So don't cry! One day your seven will die!

[Kimberley]

I think its great that youre thinking about your wife, and some of you may not believe im saying this but you shouldnt have to give up everything to make her happy.

You shouldnt have to give up a part of yourself and be miserable just so she is happy. A marriage is a relationship that should be 50/50, I understand she doesnt accept or want to be any part of it and thats a tough one but my husband has offered to stop CDing many times
**********
Sherry, this is a point that many of us wish we could live with or even come close to seeing however the reality is that many of us will not be allowed this despite our feelings and emotions for our partner. The reality of our being transgendered is so overshadowed by the media hype that began with Christine Jorgenson that the perceptions are totally negative to those of us who do not fit into the TS category. Hence we are all TS in the minds of most. We are all gay in the minds of most. We are all self absorbed to the exclusion of all others in the minds of most people.

It is a battle that we all face either personally or at a distance.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[lostmyhubby GG]

WOW!!! your threads have touched me that you care so much about your wife....and i am so happy to hear that you are so willing to be there by her side "in sickness and in health" she needs you right now and you will be there for her, that is something she will respect,love and never forget that you were there to help her through no matter what she is going through.
Yes you might surpress your cd'ing but it doesnt meant forever, there may be chances to steal away.
It upsets me that people say you shouldnt give up this part of you because of her....totally Pi**** me off because i take it you did not tell her before you were married, therefore this was not something she was aware of,was prepared for, educated about,or could deal with......its not fair to her.
I wish you both luck throughout your marriage, it is hard work everyday, but you are one of the most outstanding in my book for being there for her.
The other side of you will always be there and you know who you are now, cd'ing will not be gone forever and who knows as you rebuild, slowly educate her, reassure her,and just open yourself as much as you can, but above all let her know how much you love her .

Best wishes
Diane

[GG Vanya]

Sparks,

That is one of the most UNselfish posts I've ever seen by a crossdresser. Would that all women had husbands like you, whether CD or not.

You, my friend, have that one quality I always sought in a life mate: INTEGRITY. Your deep devotion to your marriage and family is so touching to me that I have kept coming back to this post all day.

I have no words of advice; words fail me. Just please know that you are in my thoughts, and I'll have a talk with "the man up there" asking that He give you grace and wisdom through this.

If you need an "ear", please know that Trudi and I are a simple PM away.

Vanya

[Charleen]

Sparks, Been there to a degree. I was married for 30 years, and even though I broached the subject with her I got the distinct impression that she didn't/wouldn't understand. So what did I do? I hide for those 30 years, living with doubts, guilt, denial, purging, all of the good stuff we sometimes go through as we try to get a handle on not only who, but why we are. I did not have anything to help me out all those years. I only found this site recently thankfully. If I had this site years ago I don't know what would have happened. Today, I can't play the what if game. My life was what it was until I lost her in October.Am I glad I hide? Yes and no. I spared her the pain that I know she would have had, yet I suffered greatly. Some because of my own ignorance about my need to CD. I know this is not an answer for you, only my life. All are different. The advice you have been given sounds about right- counciling, getting her to look at this site, talking ect. Best I can do is keep a good thought for you and your wife, hoping that it works out best for BOTH of you. Love and xxxx, Lily:hugs:

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Sparks,

With an attitude like that you'll go far! I (like you) always try to remember what my wife might be feeling, and so factor that into any decision making that I might do. To be honest with you, as far as my cding goes just how far the envelope gets pushed tends to be my wife's prerogative. I tend to put an idea out there and then let her decide if it's going to happen or not based on her comfort levels.

My crossdressing is important to me, but it's not the most important thing in my life....that's my wife. I have found something to be true, at least this is the case in my marriage, if I want to go somewhere, or do something that is taking my cding further, if I abdicate the decision making to her and let her be in control of what, when, and how, it nearly always happens sooner or later.....and nowadays it's Marla who is being pro-active and making suggestions as to what's next to further my "development" :happy:

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you have a great attitude!

[sparks]

Well my thanks to all who have responded. I don't feel my attitude towards my wife has been all that fair. My SO is truly a great person in my eyes. I feel I have been most awful and selfish to her in the past seven years. Sure I've kept outta sight with it all and yes I felt I needed to be me but As I hid I became more lost in depression and self-indulgence.
Here in front of me the whole time was this beautiful woman who I started to take for granted who I pushed more responsablity on. Soon I became afraid of trying absolutely anything trapped inside my own fear. Maybe it's a personality traite I was born with or one that I was raised with but Holy Hannah I've little self-confidence. And after telling my wife about my cding and having her reject me I shrank away. Maybe this caused a "cding has made me a less of a man syndrome" I don't know. All I can say is that my core being soon became lost.
Yes Selfishness I believe is the only term here. Because I piled and piled more on her. So I've got years to make up for. This woman strived harder than ever to hold us together and I could not see it.
Now here is the tough part can I hold it altogether. I will try. We are worth it. If I'm going to obsess over anything it should be my marriage and kids. Not if I get to wear my favourite bra for a few minutes. God just looking back over the last few years I sure sucked to be around.

And the kicker to tonights thoughts. Therapy is no longer covered in our medical plan at work. Last year yes but new contract says NO! It will have to come out of our pocket and with our distrust in the ppl (councellors) in town we will have to drive for the appointments. Argh!!
I wish my wife would take the chance and come online. I found more comfort, more response, more advice here than I believe any doc could come up with.

[JudeGG]

Sparks
I sincerely hope things work out for both you and your wife. You are both lucky to have each other. I have to admit - reading the posts brought a tear to my eye and I think it was cos I just felt that you both deserve to have this marriage and be with each other.

Jude x

[Joy Carter]

Sparky We have talked before and like I say give her a big HUG, it means a lot where words sometimes fail and thoughts are incomplete.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Sandra]

Wow Sparks, what a thread, I have know advice for you, only you can really decide what to do, it takes a strong person to try to give up all of this, maybe it will only be for a short time you never know but whatever you decide, I wish you well.