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randie
12-05-2004, 03:15 AM
hello girls :) , I havent been here long and Ive prolly been away more than Ive been around. I dont really talk much due to a lack of confidence and I really dont have much to offer in the way of advice as I cant even sort out my own issues let alone help others with theirs. Anyways, this is just a mega rant really. I feel I can vent here without a backlash and others might be in the same sitch as me and be able to relate. I have become increasingly uncomfortable in my male body. I have essentially been living a lie for the past 27 years. I have managed to fit into the male gender role easy enough to satisfy others but for me its always felt wrong. When I try to think of my future I see nothing but depression and lonliness as a man. When I think of what might be as a woman I can envision a multitude of great possibilities. I am trying to find a therapist in Ontario Canada who has dealt with TG folks but have only been able to find link upon link to the clarke institute in toronto and from all Ive heard I do not want anything to do with this place. there seems to be a few in other provinces but I cant really trsvel 24hrs+ weekly to see someone. I am scared to even mention any of this to my GP as I am terribly uncomfortable with him, even when dealing with the flu, let alone gender issues. Does anyone know any good tg familiar therapists in Ontario outside of the clarke to contact? I can only see a future for myself as a woman. I absolutley despise the thought of continuing my life as a male. If I continue life as a "man" I can only envision death, either through lifestyle or direct intervention, ie bullets or noose. I have never had a girlfreind or boyfreind in my life(or sex for that matter), girls always really like me as a freind but never anything more. This doesnt bother me because I'd rather just be one of the girls anyways. I don't really have any sexual desires and sex is something totally foreign to me, I just want to be able to look in the mirror and be somewhat satisfied with what I see. I really couldnt care less about sex. I feel that I need to mention the sexual aspect of this so that you understand that sex is nonexistent for me and is wholly unimnportant to me. I really dont care if I ever have sexual relations but I would like to become physically closer to what I feel I am inside. Maybe, then it will become a possibility but until then i dont care about it. I would like nothing more than to be a woman to my fullest possible extent. Everytime I Leave the house I get depressed because I see women everywhere and they are physically women by birth and they are allowed to be themselves, no questions asked. I look at them not with lust, but with a kind of jealousy that I cant explain. I envy them and their bodies. They have the right body and they are able to be women without all the turmoil of transition. I feel that I have a rather feminine body to start with and I think that I could transition without too many problems aside from voice and height and work. The main issue for me is family. My mom already knows that I wish I was a girl and is ok with it but my dad and the rest of my relatives dont know. I dont really care what the rest of them think but Im worried about how it will affect the lives of my mom and dad if I go through with my transition . My moms brother is a hardcore redneck but he is also my dads best freind and fishing buddy. My mom and uncle (her brother) have a gay cousin and my uncle thinks he should be shot dead for being gay and denies that he is even related( he is a hardcore bigot and rascist). This sickens me but how would it affect my mom and dad if I were to be myself? This is tearing me up inside and im torn between my own happiness and the happiness of my family. If I decide to be happy (transition)it will turn my parents life upside down. I really hate to base my life on the opinions of bigot assholes but the decision will affect more people in a negative way than it will affect me in a positive way. I love my parents so much and they have always been there for me but I am afraid if I go through what I need to go through that it will disrupt their lives too much. On the other hand I know they want to see their child be happy and live his/her life to the fullest and be happy. I just feel sick about this. I know I will never provide them with a Grandchild either way and this makes me very sad as an only child. As a woman I will not be able to get pregnant and as a man I have no desire for a wife or to be a "father". I should honestly just be dead because I am of no use to anyone in this current state. Anyways, i have ranted for way too long and no one wants to listen to a whiner. But, if u know of any tg familiar therapists in ontario canada please let me know. thanks girls, and if u read this far Im sorry for being such a whiner but I had to get it out.

love randie :)

Tristen Cox
12-05-2004, 05:27 AM
Randie don't you dare apollogise for letting things out,especially here. We're here to listen and help. And if you ever need comfort here we are with open arms.
I can relate to where you are at right now regarding the knowledge that remaining a guy sheds no light on my future. I'm no father and I know I could never be a mother physically even when I do transition. Yet I do know being the woman I am inside externalised would bring me to happiness.
I'd ask Kew(pm her) because she is moving up your way with Sherlyn(her love), they may know of a place you can find some deicent help.
Also Julie M may be able to aid you in finding some groups nearby to give you some positive support.
In any event you do have an enormous step to take as so many others face at this stage. Always make time for yourself to breathe and relax. Don't take too much on at once. *baby steps*
Hugs sis you're not alone ;)

Love
Tristen

randie
12-05-2004, 06:40 PM
thanks tristen i really appreciate it :) It seems that my only choice is to travel for therapy. Julie M and Kew gave me some links and I checked them out and they are good, just a little far for me. If I wanna deal with my issues Im just gonna have to travel a bit I guess, not a real big problem Ill just have to set aside some time for it. Maybe Ill just move to ottawa when I can as there seems to be some good groups there that may be able to help me. Im not really attached to where I live now, its actually a pretty crappy town. It would prolly do me a world of good to get out of this place anyways. Well I guess Ill be going now or Ill never stop typing :) but thanks again tristen and all the other amazing girls here who offer the much needed support. I appreciate it so so much and I cant even begin to put my thanks into words as words cant describe the feelings. :)

luv randie

Tristen Cox
12-05-2004, 06:49 PM
**BIG HUGS**

Randie I wish you the best and hope all goes well for you keep in touch ;)

Love,
Tristen