Hesitation and Fear

[Sakura Kinomoto]

Hello girls,the reason why I post this thread is to share with you some of my possible future projects..Besides of being a crossdresser,I want to be a female.I really want.I been doing lots of research about transexual people and sex change operations.The surgery sounds scary to me.This is a real strong desire that I want,to have a full transformation.However,many things are blocking me.First is my family.I was,unfortunately,raised in a Catholic family who believe of course that croosdressing is wrong.I dont believe that croosdressing is wrong,I believe that you have any right to do it if it makes you feel happy right?I dont know which direction to take,should I start a
hormonal therapy?My mother asked me once if there was something that I wanted to change for myself.I told her that there was nothing but I lied.

With all of my heart I want to be a girl.How on Earth do you tell that to your parents????It is even more difficult to become a girl specially if you live
in Mexico City.Some people reject this practice.However I believe that I
have the right to choose right?I am almost 30 years now.

What is the right first step to take?I mean how do you handle this situation without hurting the ones you love?I dont even know why would they see me weird if I decided to tell them what I really want.Or,I dont even understand why would they feel that I hurt them with my decision.I had this idea since I started crossdressing when I was 18.I always wondered, "Gee what would be like to be a woman?""It is so cool to be pretty" and so on.

So here I am with this dilemma,I need the strenght to tell my mom
that I want to become a female.Not so sure about which procedure
would be safer though.Female Hormones therapy or surgery???

Please girls I am really desperate and I would like to know your opinions and
advices.You know something else?My skin is too soft,almost like the skin of a girl.....ahhhhh what should I do????:eek: :eek:

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Sakura

I don't know you Sakura, or what you feel inside, so all I have to go by is what you just said here, and I see red flags. I may not give you the answer that you want or are looking for, and I could be wrong because I'm no expert, but this is my opinion.

You say "I want to be a girl". For myself and I think many of us, we are girls, always have been. It's not something we want, it's something that just is. You ask "What would it be like to be a woman?", you think it would be "cool and pretty". That has nothing to do with it Sakura, it's your inner identity you're dealing with and should be discussing. It's who you really are, whether you're TS or not.

Am I saying you're not TS? No, not at all, because like I said I'm no expert, and that's who you need to be starting out with, an expert. I strongly suggest you seek out a therapist who specializes in gender issues, because I don't feel that you know who you truly are. Until you do, any talk of going further is a waste of time.

Karen

[Sakura Kinomoto]

Ok what I meant to say is that I ve always been a girl but want to express it.Deep inside my heart I know I am a woman,as many of you are.
I am glad I found this place,and that I am not alone in this issue.
My body is experiencing some strange changes,maybe is the real me finally coming out.I am a woman,there is no question about it.The problem is how do I break the news to everyone else?

:eek: :eek:

[GypsyKaren]

There's no easy answer for that Sakura, you just have to sit them down and tell them. However, I still suggest you seek out a therapist first. In any event, you'll have to do that before you can do anything else, at least in this country.

Karen

[azure]

I agree with gypsy karen, seeing a qualified therapist who will be able to help you address the things you are thinking and feeling.

[ToyGirl]

As the other girls above have said a therapist is a must. The process itself is different in each country.

Though basically its Therapy > Hormones > SRS

I know a friend in mexico that has transitioned and is living fulltime quite happily and of course the ever loved Miriam is also from mexico :)

[Michelle Ellis]

Sakura, I feel like saying, slow down girl! :)

You ask what is a good first step? Explore yourself. I felt I knew myself pretty well when I first came here, and I do, but there's many levels of understanding... I feel for the first time in my life I'm starting to truly grow in a positive way, before it was just desperation and desire building to new heights. Now I think I'm finally starting to put the right pieces in the proper places, in time I think I'll be able to step away and look at the whole, and maybe find some peace with myself.

M

[Scotty]

Girls I think the misunderstanding wa a language barrier thing - no prob there.


For me, I found out who I was, yes I am female inside. I have no doubts about that.

But because of what it WOULD do to my family, my life, etc etc I choose to go half way. I can be female and feminize my body for my personal likings but not go with the SRS surgery. I can live with that.

You need to explore, with a therapist, just what you want. You may be content to grow breasts, dress in womens clothes, and still enjoy a guy life.

For me it's a balancing act - one cannot be stronger than the other.

It's working so far.

I wish you luck, talk to a therapist to talk to someone about all of this and get some advise as to which way to go, each of us will have a different opinion.

[MarieTS]

Sakura: Are you Japanese? I ask because of your name and interest in anime, etc. If so, ogenki desuka :happy:

Anyway, you really need to see a therapist before going any further. I suggest you do some research to determine if there are any support groups in your area that deal with transgender issues. They'll be able to help you devise strategies to deal with your family and get on the road towards transition IF that is the appropriate course as determined by you and a qualified professional.

As Karen said, "wanting" isn't enough to justify transition. That's because feelings can sometimes be temporary. But if in your heart you KNOW you ARE a woman, well, then that's more compelling and requires a more in-depth exploration with a therapist.

We're glad you found us for support even though its at a great distance. Keep sharing!

[cindianna_jones]

It's hard to say. But if you are, it will drive you to make the change. That's as simple as I can say it. There will come a time when nothing is more important.

Cindi Jones

[Lisa Maren]

Just now, as I was leaving the kitchen after dinner, my mother looked at me, with her hands on my shoulders, likely sensing I was upset and she said, "Tell me it's only that you're tired."

What did I do? I looked her in the face and lied to her. Then I went upstairs to my room and burst into tears.

I know for a fact my mother is too tired at this hour to deal with anything, literally. On top of that, I don't know what to tell her other than I'm confused about my gender and that's not really an answer. Plus, my nephew and niece (her two grandkids) are here for the next couple of nights and they're 3 and a half and 1 and a half, respectively. They have ridiculous amounts of energy and wear out whoever's watching over them. Mother is also worried about her sister whose life is a train wreck right now. I could not bring myself to add this on top of everything else, knowing with certainty that she can't deal with it.

If I try to say something like "I don't want to talk about it" then she just pounces on me and tries to make me tell her.

I hate that I lied to her but I didn't know what else to do. I honestly feel that lying to her (although not an acceptable thing to do either) is truly less of an evil than putting the house in an uproar while the little ones are asleep.

Anyway, this just isn't easy. I wish you the best!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Sakura Kinomoto]

Thanks girls for your responses.I started to discover myself when I was 18,I started to wear women s clothes,because I really like them and enjoy using them.Then,my mother caught me once because one day I decided to take a shower using a women s swimsuit (crazy eh?)but it was a great experience.
My mother was shocked to see the evidence on the floor,I wasnt expecting her to arrive.She asked me, "What the?What is the meaning of this?"And I felt really trapped and in a state of shock and confusion.I told my mother that It was an experiment,that it was just a temporal feeling.I hated myself for not being able to tell her the truth,that I have a woman inside of me criying for help,because she is trapped in the wrong body.Anyway,I told my girlfriend the truth or at least part of it,she was shocked at first but she understood it pretty well.She even told me that she would love to go with me shopping women s clothes.I just wish that my mom could react the same way....I am really afraid of her,I dont know what to expect if I were to tell her everything,I think that she might cry and might not take it well at first....

But I really think that I am a woman,definetly!:o :o

Thank you for giving me your support,you are so sweet and I love you all.

By the way what do you recommend to start growing breasts?Are there any exercises,medicines,other options besides operations?I am considering to grow my breasts...well they have changed a bit,but I want more....

[mecloset]

As with any surgery no matter how big or small there are always inherint risk. One has to ask, is the risk worth it? If it is something you really want and desire and are willing to put your all in, the hell yes it is worth it.

However,many things are blocking me.First is my family.I was,unfortunately,raised in a Catholic family who believe of course that croosdressing is wrong.

Family is always a big hurdle with any transistion. I know of some that even if you dye your hair it is considered a sin. Could not imagine what would be the scope of things if you were to transistion in a family like this. Anyway the best thing to do and it has been pointed out here time and time again, ALWAYS START WITH A THERAPIST. Preferably one knowledgable in transistions. From that point they can help you with making sure all is well not only with you, but will help interviene and such to your family. This is the most sound approach.

Now about the CD aspect of things, Look back to the time you were born, were you born with clothes on or were you born naked? I know that we are all born naked, so who the heck comes up with this is that genders and this is that genders. That is such sterotyping, I say if your happy, and it makes you happy, and you feel good, who give a f*!!. Be true to yourself and others. Best advise ever given.

If it makes you feel happy right?I dont know which direction to take,should I start a
hormonal therapy?

With all of my heart I want to be a girl.How on Earth do you tell that to your parents????

I know how it feels to have this desire to be a girl. I have had the desire a long long time. I am 39 now. In my teens I had the desire to have children. At first I thought it to be in the dad type roll and I was married and did have 2 lovely children, but it did not fill the void, what I would like is when they can do a complete change, one in which allows the transistioner to even bear children, that would be so complete, but oh well modern medicine has not made it that far yet. But a lot of the answers you seek are in these repsonces, the biggest of course is counsiling, be true to your self and others, and find a way to break it to your parents of course with the therapist help. That is all I can say for now. Have a nice day and may god be with you.

[ChristineRenee]

Wondering..."Gee...I wonder what it's like to be a woman?" is something that I'm sure most of us have done at one time or another. But that doesn't make us TS though. If you are TS...you KNOW instinctively that you are a woman trapped in the wrong body. Your brain wiring is female...you hate everything about being male and will eventually do whatever you NEED to do to make the transition happen for you. There is no "wondering" about it in your mind at all. You just KNOW!

I suggest that you seek out a good gender therapist to talk with about this. I mean I have female feelings and emotions too as a TG...but I'm not a TS and I have known that for a very long time. But this is YOUR life we're talking about here...and you need to examine this very closely, and have a professional help you to sort it all out. Good luck to you...and I wish you all the best in this endeavor.:hugs:

[Chrissycd]

of Sakura's problem here.
We are looking at her problem from our cultural perspective. In the U.S., it's totally natural and logical to keep the struggle to ourselves, and go seek professional help. This is b/c in the U.S. we tend to believe that the medical community is the cure all. Family, let's face it, generally speaking is not as crucial to our personal lives as it is in countries whose culture is more traditional.
I'm not saying that family is unimportant to us in the U.S., but I am saying that family is HUGE to the vast majority of mexicans. This is stereotyping, I know, but it's true. Mexican families are generally MUCH, MUCH more close-knit than ours in the U.S. In the U.S., our relationships are much more casual than in Mexico. The ties that bind mothers and children in Mexico are amazing. Fathers are treated much more formally than they are here. I'd also argue that gender roles are much more defined in Mexico.
This is why I think Sakura is SO concerned about her need to tell her mother about this. I taught Spanish for 12 years here in the U.S., so I spent a fair amount of time in Mexico, and I never got over the beauty that exists in the Mexican family unit. They actually eat meals together. Sometimes, mothers take siestas with their children, even if they are in their twenties. I remember more than one time listening to the almost magical conversations they had together, not holding anything back, because their mothers are often better, more dependable friends than any peers they have.
So, when we say, keep it to yourself and go see a therapist, Sakura probably thinks that is a really strange thing to say. Why would you go tell a stranger your most intimate feelings when it's your mother that you've shared those feelings with ever since you were old enough to talk???
The problem she faces is that telling her mother is in conflict with the fact that the gender roles in Mexico tend to be much more black and white. Men are men. They are decisive and strong willed. Women are submissive and obedient. Things might be a little less traditional in Mexico City, but I think we need to think about this part of it as we try to help Sakura.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[leahgurl]

It's hard to say. But if you are, it will drive you to make the change. That's as simple as I can say it. There will come a time when nothing is more important.

Cindi Jones
That is how I feel. I am on the path to transition. I could try to slow it down but the day is coming. I cannot imagine myself graduating university as a male let alone live the rest of my life as one.

[cindianna_jones]

First of all Sakura, be true to your own feelings. Don't change your words to make us happy. I never felt that I was a woman born in the wrong body. Like you, I expressed great distress as being male. I wanted with all my heart to be female. And this is what I told my therapists. It may only be an issue in semantics but I felt that it was important to approach this in my way. And for those of you who don't know me, I had my GRS 18 years ago. Don't let anyone here alter the way you think or express yourself. This will be the greatest help for you to resolve your problem.

Chrissy, you have touched a very important consideration. I lived for two years in South America. Indeed the family is much more important south of our border. Sakura, you must tell your mother. She will feel betrayed some, she will feel enormous guilt for what part she percieves she has made. But, ultimately, she may be your strongest supporter. She loves you. She wants to help you. She may help you decide on when you should tell the rest of your family.

I can't imagine how it must be to face this demon in a latino country. There are many obstacles to overcome. And financial concerns may well be the toughest to face.

Que te vias con Dios mi amiga.

Cindi

[Sakura Kinomoto]

Tnak you all for your kind words,It really mean a lot to me,I felt that I was alone in the world,that there was no one there to help me.So far I spoke with 2 people that are willing to help me with some things,like start a female transformation to see how I would look.A very good friend of mine,and a seamstress,is willing to help me to made me dresses and other female clothes.

I am a woman,deep in my heart I know I am one.Heck,I am already old enough to decide what I want,I am 30 years Old....The main problem is,like many of you have pointed out,is that I live in Mexico,where men are men and the man who dresses as a woman or acts like one isnt understood or is eventually rejected.I am afraid of telling my mother because, as you pointed out,she might want to help me to make the transition,mostly because I would had told her the truth.Boy,how I really wish to live in the USA,at least I would have more freedom and acceptance.Mexico City is such a hard place to live,and for people like us,harder.I am a woman,I really am.
Sadly it would be very difficult to have what I seek in my country even if I decide to tell my mom.Mexican society is so difficult to understand....

I will consider of telling my mom though,although if I ll do,I ll know she will cry for it....:sad: :sad:

Thank you for your kind responses,I love you all.Hugs and kisses Sakura.