Deeply depressed state of mind

[Glenda Grant]

It's been over 3 months since I found out about my husband's CD. The first few weeks were tough but I think it brought us very close together with all the hour on end talks into the wee hours of the night. He has a great attitide about going slow and being ready for things. WE reconnected in the bedroom and in spite of all my fears esp the big fear of does he really want to be a women and transition, I think I was thinking positively about the future. We went shopping several times played around a little bit with nail polish and sexy lingerie etc. We finally put Bobbie together after about 3 weeks which I think went very well. My husband loved all my help, said he never looked so good and I had a lot of fun playing dress up which luckily for him is one of the things I do love to do. It was endearing to see him so happy in spite of his nervousness. Things were great the next day then bam the following day he was in this very bad state of mind. He was easily angered, argumentative very unhappy. Things were up and down till the chance we had to dress again which was a month later. Same thing got along great had lots of fun next day he was good day after that by the end of that day there he goes again to a very dark place and horrible mood. I talked to a another wife that says everytime they go to a Triess meeting the next day is the same for her. We talked about it and next time he dressed his mood seemed to not get so bad afterwards. Then yesterday when he went to a Luncheon with a group of TG consisting of MtoF Cd's and TS,and FtoM TS all mostly dressed except for my husband. He called me and I was asking him ??'s one of which was what did he decide to wear because he left a pair of his Femm slacks out and I asked him if he was thinking about dressing weird as in a androgonous look. Well that really got to him and now he is in that Dark place again. We talked and I told him I am uncomfortable with the halfway look because I feel it will draw attention to himself which could lead to him being outed. Are his moods tempary due to all the years of hiding and now he is releasing 40 years of shame? That is what I am thinking it is. I thought the thing about dressing was the calming effect it was supposed to have because of being able to express the femine side of oneself. I figured it was like going on vacation, you go have fun and when you go back to work things seem better cause it puts you in a better frame of mind. Instead to me it seems more like a drug that you are high but then you come down and crash and burn. I will add that I have been having alot of ups and downs emotionally over this and am still going through some stages of grief which I know is hard on my husband but according to what I am reading its very natural for me to be going through this. What I am not reading is what is natural for a CD to go through once he's opened up to his SO. .

[Bev06 GG]

Glenda,
I haven't got time to answer this properly so will have a go later. Im sure that this is a difficult time for you both but part of me thinks he's being very unfair on you. You are doing a great job in supporting him even though your feeling alittle fragile yourself about the whole affair, and I think he's got to realise if he wants your continued support and encouragement then he's got to make the effort too even if he is feeling abit up and down about it all. Take care and I'll get back to you later.
BEVxxxxx

[Calliope]

Hi Glenda,
No here really knows, you and your guy / gal are going to have to take the talk a bit further. There may be some psych purging going on, or sharing the secret is busting the sexual buzz, any number of things. Speaking towards my own perspective, I would open up to the idea of the 'half-way' look, integretation of the fem / male sides is optimal in the long haul - plus a gradual feminization of the appearance helps get the dresser all the way out. Good luck, I'm sure weathering such a sea change in your relationship is emotionally taxing but, with a good attitude like yours, you both will probably get to a good spot soon enough.

[Lisa Golightly]

I never understood the 'relaxed & calm feeling' argument in cding... I just wanted to wear cool clothes so I did. I think the mood swings are quite common amongst those who 'come out'. Gender Euphoria. There seems to be a desire to push the boundaries further, often at the cost of riding roughshod over those nearest and dearest. Now the truth is out there time limits and constraints become infuriating to them.

As I was 16 when I started tottering around on high heels in public I think I went through a natural teenage rebellion for both sexes at the same time. 'Don't like the makeup? Well screwyou!' I think you've, psychologically speaking just inherited a teenage girl... stroppy with attitude. Pushing boudaries is natural, feeling frustrated is natural, your feeling exasperated is also natural.

[kittypw GG]

Glenda,
I am sorry that you are going through this trouble. It sounds to me that your husband has a big problem and it is not your fault nor is it something you can fix. Sounds like he is punishing you for the problems he has with his own feelings inside himself. He is unsetteled emotionally. He may need to seek professional help. Sounds like you are doing what you can to tolerate and accept his gender choices so give yourself a pat on the back for being loving and caring. He should be grateful that you are willing to be supportive. If he keeps up this behavior he will run the risk of wearing you out and turning your willingness to help into feelings of negativity and disgust for the whole thing. It is human nature to want to stay away from something if it is always followed by unpleasant behavior. This is really not your burden and you can not fix him. You can be supportative and loving but ultimately he needs to do the work and get to a place where he is emotionally balanced. He better wake up and smell the coffee before it is too late. Urge him to seek help and don't get sucked into his foul moods and mood swings. If he chooses to be that way then fine, but why should you have to suffer as well? Good luck and try to maintain your supportative behavior without taking all of the responsibility for something that is really his problem. Sending you :hugs: and know that there are many of us who understand what you are going through. We are here for you when you need us. Kitty

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Glenda,
Im glad Kitty got to you with some wise advice, I was rather hoping that one of the GGs would do whilst I was at work. No offence to any CDs Im sure your more than capable of offering sound advice, but some of the GGs on here have been between the rock and the hard place and know exactly what Glenda is experiencing at the moment.
Kitty has really said it all Glenda, and there is little I can add really. It is worth baring in mind tho that your hubby has just divulged a very personal and intimate part of his life to you, and in doing so has made himself feel very vulnerable. However, there are many CDs out there who'd just die to have an understanding partner like you. Eventhough you obviously aren't really comfortable with the whole thing yet because its so new to you, you are offering support and encouragement that many would give their right arm for so dont beat yourself up, your doing a great job.
I would however, expect the boot to be on the other foot. Your hubby needs a reality check and really it should be him reaching out to you and not the other way round. Well that is if he wants your continued support. Many would get totally hacked off with his attitude and give up straight away. He does want to think himself lucky that you will even let him out to meet his friends, let alone on his own. Im sure if I was feeling abit unsure about the whole thing, I'd want to go with him to meet the peeps that he's hanging around with in a bid to make myself feel easier about it all. Anyway, keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Just remember we are all here for you and wish you both all the best.
Take care
BEVxxxx

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Glenda

I am sorry you having this problem especially with your being so supportive.
You need to ask you husband why he feel in such a bad moo the next day.
The memories of the previous day should be keeping him happy and be looking forward to the next time. He may need that reality check. you might want to ask what would he have done if you had told him to stop completely.
Tell him its also tearing you apart inside when he is in a foul mood, and you are worried about him. finding the right balance of crossdressing within a marriage is not always easy. Hopefully its just that he needs to find it and things will get better.

[ChristineRenee]

I think mood swings tend to be more prevalent in CD'ers just because there is that rush you experience when dressing and then the inevitable down of taking it all off and returning back to "male mode" again. The level of it can vary a lot because everyone is different. Not being able to dress can be very emotionally depressing for a CD...just as returning back to his male self is as well. My wife has experienced that with me...particularly in the early days of our marriage. There can also be the guilt that perveys the mind of a CD too. The almost shameful feeling of not being "man" enough for your SO. It can cause the CD to "fight or flight" at times...be argumentative, combative, getting out the frustration in a very male testosterone induced way. Or he will just withdraw into himself...not talk to his SO...retreat to his "cave" so to speak...and just want to be by himself and sort through all of what has just transpired in his mind. It can be a very exasperating, frustrating, and helpless feeling for the SO to experience this in her man and not be able to reach out to him to help him.

If he wants to talk about it...by all means do so, but if not, let him be alone to work things out if that is what he wants. It is very difficult to be who we are...no matter at what level it is. Mainstream society does not accept this and the social conditioning of males and females contributes heavily to this. It's not easy in this world to be an individual...and too many people in society fear and loathe what they can't comprehend or understand...of course...that is there problem. Unfortunately, when that problem hits home in your own home and relationship, then it has to be dealt with...and not ignored. Both the CD and SO need to understand the needs and desires of the other. Communication and understanding are the keys in establishing a good marital relationship...and vitally important when dealing with the day to day life of a CD...for both parties.

I hope this gives you a bit of insight from the CD perspective of it Glenda. Wishing you and Bobbie all the best and hope that you both can work together to make your life together more enjoyable.:hugs:

[Charleen]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have already gotten some wonderful advice. As I was reading your post and the replies, what came to mind was the old song, "You Always Hurt The One You Love". Very true. I wish you the best. BTW, has he been on this site? Could help. Love and xxx, Lily:hugs: :hugs:

[bgirl]

This is hard for both of us, SO,s and CDer,s. I commend your willingness to accept this part of your husband. It would be nice if it was as simple as putting on and taking off clothes. What happens on the outside starts on the inside. I wish I could explain it but first I would have to understand it. I have only experienced this for most of my life and evidently thats not long enough to understand.
What is starting to work is acceptance. That is still difficult as well. I can only say that things have started to get better on the inside because of my acceptance of myself. That much I can understand. Beth

[michelle-h]

Hi Glenda,

I dont know if this will help or not. When I finally came clean with my wife, and she accepted it, I went nuts for a few weeks. I wanted to dress every chance I got. Finally my wife asked, Is this how its going to be? So I have toned it down. I now go 2 to 3 weeks at a time without dressing, but when I do, I try to make the most of it. I'm getting to a point, I promise. I think what has helped me get through the weeks is visiting sites like this. Being able to read others views and experiences seems to help me control my urge to dress. I also spend time in the chat rooms, meeting new people and making close friends. It really sounds like your husband is going through a type of withdrawal, and thats not your fault. All I can recommend is that he find another way to channel his femme side when the option to dress is not available. For me, its sites like this and Laura's Playground, for your husband, it may be something else. But, encourage him to give it a try. Hopefully it will help him to maintain some of that glow after he has had a chance to be en femme. I hope this helps some.

Michelle-H

[Joy Carter]

He really should be thankful he has you and your support Glenda, you are a rare individual and should be treated as such. As for getting help professionally stay away from the jobs designated counselor. Even if you have to pay out of pocket just keep the visits out of his medical records it will only come back to haunt him.:hugs:

[Olivia]

Hi Glenda! We haven't met but I think you know me.:happy: I believe Bobbie has mentioned to you that we are good friends. The first thing I'd like to say to you is "Thanks!" Thanks for showing Bobbie such understanding and support, and yes, love. I know how much that means to Bobbie because Bobbie has told me that.

I'm afraid that many of us experience those damned mood swings. I know that I sure do too. What triggers them is not always easy to say. It may sometimes be a desire to remain dressed when one can't (for job, family friends, etc) or it may be the realization that reality will never line up with that mental picture of who we are, or it may be fear of the future, fearing the unknown is not uncommon and for many crossdressers(well,that's true for everyone isn't it?) , our future is quite unknown. I am blessed with a loving, supportive and accepting wife too, and bless her heart, she has to deal with those "swings" a lot. We tell each other that we are scared sometimes; scared by not knowing how we will eventually wind up.

Bobbie is taking giant steps I think. Proactively seeking to understand life as a cd and what that means. I'm very proud of those efforts and feel like Bobbie is "blazing a trail" for me in some ways. Please keep being patient and loving. It means so much to Bobbie, she's told me that many times. It's not easy doing what you're doing. We all know that; if you'd like to share thoughts with another wife, please PM me and I'll send Jackie's email addy to you. I do know that you've talked to several other wives of CDs and that's more than she has managed. I think it would help her tremendously too. Again, thanks for how you've changed Bobbie's life! I hope to tell you that in person someday! Olivia.

[Bonnie D]

Hi Glenda, I think you are amazing with regards to the support you are giving your husband. This includes the fact that you are coming to this site and asking for a way to help understand what is going on in your husband's head that he is not sharing with you.

Change can be a difficult thing to manage no matter how much better it improves ones life. Moving from a place of relative comfort into the unknown can take time to adjust. Even hiding and feelings of guilt can become comfortable. Now that he's come out to you a great relief must have occurred but then it's followed by more questions concerning the unknown road ahead. He is used to doing this by himself, now he will have to share it with you, which by the way is a very good thing but a big change for both of you. He does realize he is responsible for dragging you into this with him, society makes it difficult. It's something he's learned to shoulder on his own. I think once he's accepted the fact that he is no longer alone in this and he can't turn back without you at his side, his mood swings will become less frequent.

Bonnie

[Irene W.]

Glenda
I have had depressions like this many times. When I came out to my wife just 6 months ago I was extremely depressed. Yes dressing helped me feel better. I finally saw a counselor that knew about sexuality issues and then a recommended doctor. I now am wearing an estridiol patch this has significantly reduced my depressions and made me much happier. It has not affected our love life. The patch reduces the testosterone and therefore the conflict that I felt.

[EricaCD]

Hi Glenda - I'll add mine to the chorus of posts that have congratulated you on your great attitude. I am sorry to hear that your husband is having some difficult times with his own attitude toward dressing, and that he is externalizing that frustration. It's not fair, especially at a time when you are still going through your own adjustment.

This thread has brought to light a number of possible explanations for Bobbie's mood swings - some of which point at opposite concerns. For example, he may still be working through some personal shame issues around his own dressing (this would be my "armchair diagnosis"). On the other hand, he may be upset to find that, having come out to you, crossdressing is not as exciting as it was - in other words, for him the thrill of crossdressing depending on its transgressive nature. This, of course, is nearly the opposite of anger resulting from shame! Or he may be upset that dressing is no longer strictly on his terms. Or that the reality of being face to face with a GG makes it hard to disguise the fundamental limitations in appearance for most crossdressers. Or.....You get the idea.

You and Bobbie will have to have some discussions about what is bothering him. I will extend to you the same advice that many GGs have given me in teaching my wife about crossdressing: GO SLOW. Remember that men (even crossdressers) usually have a harder time identifying their own feelings or expressing them verbally. It may take a few patient discussions for you and your husband to figure out what is bothering him.

Needless to say, this all depends on Bobbie's willingness to engage in such discussions. If Bobbie is not ready to go along, then unfortunately there is little you are going to be able to do to help. In that case, however, I think you are perfectly within your spousal rights to firmly insist that your husband keep the moodiness out of interactions with you.

Good luck! PM if you wish to discuss further....
Erica

[Olivia]

Clear communication is one of the fundamental keys I think. Being able to determine boundaries and goals is a result of good communication. A crossdressing husband may be eager to dress more often or more extensively or go out en femme, but at the same time, not be sure that expressing such desires won't trigger a negative reaction from a wife or SO. One might fear the consequences of such a negative reaction and be afraid of losing support and acceptance too. If such were the case, then anger and depression could result from harboring those desires and goals and being afraid to voice them. A wonderful appreciation of a wife's support and acceptance might be accompanied by a fear of losing just that if they should "go too far" even though they desperately feel the need to do that. There is always room for another perspective here. Olivia

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Glenda! We haven't met but I think you know me.:happy: I believe Bobbie has mentioned to you that we are good friends. The first thing I'd like to say to you is "Thanks!" Thanks for showing Bobbie such understanding and support, and yes, love. I know how much that means to Bobbie because Bobbie has told me that.

.
Well Olivia Im sure that Glenda appreciates what youve had to say there, especially seen as you are in touch with Bobby and he's obviously confided his feelings to you. Sometimes we find it easier to convey our feelings to our friends than we do to our partners. I sincerely hope that he is able to be honest and open with Glenda too because speaking from experience, that can be a big help and go an awful long way to making her feel more at ease about the whole situation.
Take care
BEVxxx

[DonnaT]

Instead to me it seems more like a drug that you are high but then you come down and crash and burn.

This is a good possibility. If he gets an adreniline rush from his dressing, and especially when going out, then he is getting a "high". Adreniline is a powerful natural drug.

He'll need to be honest with you and tell you how excited he's feeling when he dresses, in order for you to determine if this is the cause for the crash afterwards.

Another possibility is bipolar disorder, and he'll need professional evaluation to check if that's the case.

[karen fox]

I am sure this has been said, but when I read your thread and got to this part "Are his moods tempary due to all the years of hiding and now he is releasing 40 years of shame? That is what I am thinking it is.", I thought to myself, I know where he is, his dark place as you refer to it.
He has just got it all out in the open, with the one person it should be. The only problem he now has is to keep control. You have been wonderful towards him. Although you have both agreed it should be taken slow, he will be thinking of nothing else. On his way home from work, he will be trying to get home as quickly as possible, just incase you've treated his femme side to a little present, or there'll be another dressing session tonight. It's been said to me lots of times, "like a kid in a sweet shop.", until he does come back down to earth & realise it may happen OCCASSIONALLY, but it cannot happen every day, he will keep regressing almost, back into his tortoise shell, or his dark place as you put it. Until he faces that, and tells you (the most important person to him, who he keeps hurting), he will carry on going round this viscious cicle & reretting that he is putting you through this so he will go back in again. Everyone knows men are cr*p at talking about emotions.
Just thought I'd put my views forward. The best of luck to you both.
Karen

[kittypw GG]

Glenda,
Many seem to want to offer excuses for your hubby's bad behavior. The bottom line is that there is no excuse for bad behavior period nor do you have to suffer or take responsibility. Many women put our families and husbands first and suffer dissapointments beyond the comprehension of our partners but we keep it to ourselves. We don't go about makeing life miserable for everyone around us, we just suck it up and go on. Being moody and haveing mood swings is a child's way of dealing with stress. Adults get help, figure it out, talk to others, get over it and move on. They don't make others suffer. My advice still stands, he needs professional help.
Glenda you need to take care of you, or you will be the one with the mood swings. Try to stay positive and don't get sucked in. They say misery loves company, but that does not mean you have to oblige. Good luck dear. Why don't you apply to join the gg forum. There are many beautiful women in there to offer advise and encouragement. :hugs: Kitty

[Olivia]

Shame? I don't think so. And, who says "it can't happen every day"? Why not? If the two partners have worked this through and that's not a great problem for them, then why not dress every day? If the couple is cool with it and it poses no significant obstacles elsewhere in their life, then why can't it happen on a daily basis? And please, Karen, don't paint ALL men with such a wide brush. Some are perfectly willing and able to discuss their emotions all night long. I too wish Glenda and Bobbie all the luck and patience in the world! Later, Olivia.

[Glenda Grant]

Thanks for all the helpfull replies. My husband has been seeing a therapist, even a couple months before this all came out. I am seeing one now for about 6 weeks. We even had a session together with his therapist and we talked about how the two of us feed off each other when we are in our moods. The advise was I can't fix him only myself and I need to find my own "Happy place" taking walks, go to the gym etc. She suggested we take walks together which we have done. The best night was when he was partially dressed ( a little makeup no wig and pink jammies) and I talked him into going with me to let out a neighbors dog I was sitting ( he drove and sat in the truck ) it was late and all the neighbors go to bed early around here so It wasn't too risky. We went to one of our Homeowners Parks on the Lake, drove to the waters edge and laid in the back of the truck and watched falling stars. As far as my worries about the dressing and bringing attention to himself which may lead to being outed, it is because he would lose his job most likely, he is a cop so it is also a very stressfull job. We also have been in the bathroom redo from hell that has been going on for over 5 months more stress, almost done though. I know he loves me and he is being so wonderful in so many ways but the moods are hard on both of us. He is very worried about me and how this is effecting me and I think it takes on a life of its own. It's good to know that it will be better for us as we adjust. He is a member here too but doesn't post here that often.

[DeeInGeorgia]

I have been going out to Tri-ESS meeting dressed for about 9 months. A week before the meeting I get real excited and the day after and for about a week after I am depressed.

[Bobbie Lee]

First I want to say I love you Glenda and never meant to hurt you. I am the luckiest person in the world right now, and I know it. A few months ago when I told you about my “secret” I had no idea you would be as open as you are to it. In my wildest dreams I could not have guessed you would be as accepting and patient as you have been. I had visions of us splitting up and truthfully I would not have blamed you if you had left. Heck I was a mess as you know and had been for over two years prior to telling you. The hiding, lying and guilt were really eating at me. That on top of all the other crap I have been through in the last few years was enough to make me someone I was not happy about. I finally had enough and everyone who knew me suggested I see a therapist, and I am so glad I finally did. I think if I had not told you when I did we would have split for sure.

As far as my mood swings go I don’t know why I get them, some of the others here have touched on some of the possible reasons. All I can think of is after all these years of hiding my CD/femme side the guilt and shame is still there in my mind, no matter how hard I try to get used to your accepting me. I do want to take it slow and am trying so hard not to push you into anything, as I have said if you ever feel like you have had enough, just say so and we will stop and talk our way through it. I admit that after all the years of hiding, being able to dress, at least at home, is so hard to get used to. You have bent over backwards to make me comfortable and at ease and I love you for it.

I am getting a little worried about finding a “middle” ground where we both will be comfortable and can’t help think that one day I will go to far and that will be the end of it. I am going to the luncheon meetings in order to see and talk to others who have been where I am now. I have been to two of them so far and have been the only one not dressed at them. So going out is not one of my big concerns right now, I would like to try going dressed soon but only when we both agree it is time. As far as the wanting to look a little more “androgynous” I only wanted to try and soften my male appearance. Maybe it is too much too fast and if so I understand.

I am one mixed up person right now, you would think that once I got my secret out in the open all would be good in Bobbie Land, well you have made it good, and the problem is with me for sure. I never, ever thought you would be so accepting, now I have to learn to accept myself I guess. I hope you will understand and know I never meant to hurt you.

I just wanted to let you know I love you and I hope we can go watch the star again real soon, it was so nice, and probably one of the best nights I have had in a long time.

Love you a lot. Bobbie

[Marla GG]

Hi Glenda,

First of all, big hugs to you for being such an understanding, supportive spouse. You are one in a million and I am sure Bobbie treasures you for it.

I can't add a lot to the many outstanding replies you've already received, except to say that after having been in two relationships with CDs, I know how sensitive they can be to any perceived disapproval or criticism of their dressing, especially when they are still dealing with guilt and shame themselves. It is not your fault at all, and I'm not saying you should have done anything differently, but when you said "I asked him if he was thinking about dressing weird as in a androgonous look. Well that really got to him and now he is in that Dark place again," I found myself nodding and saying "yep, I could have seen that coming." I think that a lot of CDs, especially when they first come out to their partners, are on the verge of hating themselves all the time anyway and it only takes an innocent comment to push them over the edge into self-loathing and depression. My husband doesn't retreat to his Dark Place much anymore -- if ever -- but I still have to remember to be tactful if I have something negative to say, just like he is tactful when we talk about my weight or anything else that is a sensitive issue for me.

The same mechanism might be at play in the post-dressing depression he is feeling. The other members here have offered some really good analyses of what might be going on with that, and again, all I can add is that sometimes after a euphoric dressing session , CDs will suddenly swing the other way and feel silly, ugly, or "bad" for what they've done. God knows they shouldn't, but it takes a lot of work for them to make peace with this part of themselves after a lifetime of beating themselves up over it.

I do agree that this problem is his issue, NOT yours, and that he needs to take responsibility for it. I just wanted you to know that it is not uncommon and that it will almost certainly get better with the passage of time, and your loving acceptance and willingness to communicate with him about his feelings.

Hugs,
Marla xx