Cant quit....

[Amanda420]

I cant seem to quit dressing... Im just starting to get back in after a purge in feb. Last time i thought i was ready to come out, but all of the sudden, i was so disgusted with myself that i discarded all of my fem stuff.All that it took was for me to find a couple of my ex's bras in some of our old stuff, and all i want now is to get back to what i was becoming before.
I guess it would be easier if i was not a father of a 3 year old. All i know is that this has been a part of me my whole life, and the more i try to supress it, the stronger it comes back. Every time i start dressing again, i take it one step further...last time i had my eyebrows plucked totally fem, shaved head to toe. I wish there was a cure...like a shot you could take to make these desires go away. Im past the point of embarrassment pretty much, that makes it alot easier to say "who cares if people think my shaved legs and red toenails are strange"
Another factor for me is the fact that i pass very well when fully dressed. Not to be a braggart, but im blessed with fem facial features. Im also very good at make up...i dont go overboard like alot of cd'ers. Basically whem im all dressed i see a beautiful girl looking back, and how could that be a bad thing?
Well i found out that my ex outed me to my extremly homophobic older brother and his wife. He told me that they had suspected anyway, after a couple of halloweens. So thats one family member that knows. I would like to tell my mom next as she might be supportive. I think that if its not such a huge secret it may not feel as wrong.

[trannie T]

If you've been outed to your brother you might as well tell mom. She probably already knows after she missed those panties.

[Shelly Preston]

I would be a little more careful.

You may want to bring up the subject in general first to see what she says first .

[cute_michelle_cd]

it should be about you. do you want to dress and enjoy it, or not. If someone knows or not isn't the question. i enjoy it with my wife knowing or not. It is a big desision but it is yours. it seems you keep going back so that tells me you want to and you enjoy it. dont fight what you want because that is where you will run into your problems.sorry anout the rant, but just my0.02

michelle

[Karinna]

Welcome back Amanda! I'm sorry to hear that your secret is out of control. I think that you should tell your mother before your brother do. You can't quit but you can change. Maybe you don't want to change that part of you, it's so much fun, despite all the problems it brings.

Ciao

[NighttimeGirl]

.i was so disgusted with myself that i discarded all of my fem stuff.

I have been there, I too about a year ago burnt all of linda in my back garden in a fit of madness, regretted deeply afterwards.
We have all been there or are just about to go there in one form or another, the extreme of talking about the pill or the shot to cure, do you hate it that much? its not wrong and if you was blessed with fem features then make the most of them, tell your Mum, chances are she probably already knows anyway, female intuition,
I was at an all time low until recently and that was only because i started being honest about who I am, I dont mean just run in and start telling everyone but test the water a bit with closest and dearest friends, and gradually you will be able to know who you can tell or not, it worked for me and hopefully it will work for you, get a photo of yourself before going to see your mother as well to show her I dont know why but I always found that was so much easier once people have seen you, you still gamble on the result though but hey your Mum is your Mum she will be by you, whether boy or girl you are still her BABY

good luck :love:

[Charleen]

We ae what we are and there ain't a thing that's going to chage that. As I am alone, no SO, Mom, Dad, siblings ect. Do have a grown son who doesn't know and won't tell hum yet as he is starting his life on his own with all that comes with that. He and I will talk, but later. So I really can't comment on the rest. Love and xxxx,Lily

[gennee]

Now that family knows you dress up share with them why you do it. How they respond to it is up to them. Meanwhile, enjoy the side of you that wants to express itself.

Gennee

[connie rotten]

The purges and panic after shaving and plucking add to the anxiety we seem to thrive on. Then comes a need to calm down some use drinking,misuse of drugs leagal or not leagal,sex of some sort, repentat spiritual practices of varied natures. It is living an emotional roller coaster for alot of us all because of what we think others don't know about us.Or what we think they will think about us.
For me crossdressing was the most rebellious I could be when I was a youngster. I rebelled in every mannor I posably could , but being a girl when I really wasn't seemed to be taking rebellion to the limit. It was so thrilling. It still is.
I am all dolled up.I park in a cornner parking lot. There are people there. The intersection is busy with traffic. I put me keys in my purse and as I grab the door handle the thrill is there. I step out making sure evrything is in order. Then I do my best strole across the street past the people to the club. I wan't them to think that girl is so poised and pretty. It brings me to an inner ease because I am fulfilled in my rebellion.
True or not ? I don't know ,but this bit sure was fun to write.:tongueout

[typical_guy]

I completely understand where you're coming from Amanda.

I don't want to sound like a downer for you and everyone else in the forum but your thread rang a bell with me and made me completely depressed and suicidal. I mean I tried for most of my life to not be *this* way and it didn't work (of course). It's obvious that there's no way to make it go away, it's part of who I am (and you are as well). I could no sooner will my eye color to change than make this aspect of me change. This is where the suicide ideas come into play, it's really the only permanent solution to the permanent problem of being me. I felt like I was improving for the last few months but this REALLY dragged me back into the pit. It just rang TOO damn true. Maybe I should speak to my psychiatrist about increasing the dosage of my antidepressants? I feel like I was born with a terribly shameful curse.

I may have to call in sick for work and lay in bed all day tomorrow.

[tekla west]

Nature hates secrets. They never last. They do no good. To the degree you don't have to carry it, then to that degree you are free. The old Kris Kristofferson line right (as sung by miss janis joplin) "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." The amount of grief I got after I came out was no where near as bad as the crap I drug myself through to hide it. The number of friends I lost, were no where near the number I've made.

Killing yourself over what is not in reality a huge deal seems out of proportion for the problem. Please tell your doctor this. They know how to deal with it.

[typical_guy]

Nature hates secrets. They never last. They do no good. To the degree you don't have to carry it, then to that degree you are free. The old Kris Kristofferson line right (as sung by miss janis joplin) "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." The amount of grief I got after I came out was no where near as bad as the crap I drug myself through to hide it. The number of friends I lost, were no where near the number I've made.

Killing yourself over what is not in reality a huge deal seems out of proportion for the problem. Please tell your doctor this. They know how to deal with it.


I'm actually out with quite a few people. Most of my friends, some coworkers, and even my mother. I felt great for the last few months after I started coming out and admiting to others (and myself) who I am. After reading his post though, it just brought back all the old feelings and thoughts. Why am I like this? Why can't I be more "normal"? Why can't I change this? Why will I never be happy in life? Why will I never find someone understanding and accepting? Blah blah blah...

[Charleen]

Why am I like this? Why can't I be more "normal"? ..[/QUOTE]
Tell me what normal is and by who's standards do youu define "normal". As far as I can tell after alot of years on this ball of dirt, there are no two people alike, so why be like anyone else, or try to live by what the unwashed says that we should live like? I'd rather be like I am than like the 99% of the others I come in contact with. And, yeah if you have a theraPEST, go. Love and xxxx, Lily

[Calliope]

I guess it would be easier if i was not a father of a 3 year old.

Boy or girl? Always easier with the latter. Speaking as an openly CD father of two girls (7 and 2), I would say age 3 is a fine age, will roll right off his/her back as long as you do some gradual prep. It's adolescence that is tricky so you have plenty of time. Best to you.