It's hard talking to old friends...

[Michelle Ellis]

An old friend of mine called me today, we talked for over an hour. Well he did most of the talking... I've changed so much in this year, no longer repressing myself, most of my old interests and hobbies left by the wayside. I found myself to be extremely distracted. I wanted to stop him and tell him how I'm changing, that it was hard for me to continue 'acting'. But no, I don't want to come out, especially to this particular friend. But he's been my best friend for almost 20 years, I feel I owe him something more than my avoidance. We used to talk online via instant messengers (as we are on opposite sides of the country), but for months (7-8 months maybe) I've not been able to bring myself to log in, avoiding all my old friends. I know this isn't right... I know he wanted to know why I've disappeared online, and so he called. I found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying. To put the topper on it, he's the only friend I've had that knows me well enough to suspect something, he's tested me before, said point blank one day (years ago) I was gay, that he knew a guy who'd love me :eek: once he told his son I was a woman... don't know why he's done this. He's kind of a control freak so I've always considered him unfriendly to who I really am :( but anyways...

Sorry if I'm rambling again... just wondering if anyone else has ever had a hard time dealing with old friends, how you dealt with them, big deal? no big deal? Advice?

Trying to find my balance
M

[HaleyPink2000]

Yeah, I've not told any of them figuring it's none of their business so far. If one of them finds out then so be it. Not hiding it for the most part. But am in some ways, by not just coming out to my world of friends and family right now. Blessed be the day it all comes out to everyone actually. I don't think most people care. 0.02

[tekla west]

I don't have old friends. I have friends of long standing that I have known for decades and decades, who all know. Mostly, if you leave my life I say Kaddish and move on.

[Ms. Donna]

To put the topper on it, he's the only friend I've had that knows me well enough to suspect something, he's tested me before, said point blank one day (years ago) I was gay, that he knew a guy who'd love me :eek: once he told his son I was a woman... don't know why he's done this.
My gut reaction to this is that this 'friend' does not have much respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't 'out' you to anyone - for any reason. At the very least, he'd talk with you first. This is not how friends treat one another.


He's kind of a control freak so I've always considered him unfriendly to who I really am :(
I think in this specific case, you've already answered your own question.


Sorry if I'm rambling again... just wondering if anyone else has ever had a hard time dealing with old friends, how you dealt with them, big deal? no big deal? Advice?
Tekla's approach is probably the best. Be honest and if they can't 'deal', move on.

When I told my best friend Steve, his reaction was one of compassion, concern and kindness: I expected nothing less from him. He is a good friend - always has been.

To not be honest with others is to not be honest with yourself. But you already get that. ;)

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Sharon]

You're avoiding this friend and are unhappy and distracted when you have a conversation with him. I don't see the downside of being honest with him at this point -- the worse that will happen is that he is no longer a friend, which is where this relationship appears to be anyway.

To me, it sounds as if he may be receptive to what you want to tell him, although he should learn some discretion.

[Olivia]

This really hits close to home. I've been thinking about the same thing. As I have gotten deeper into Olivia, I find that its putting distance between myself and my old friends. I've told a few of them about me; two of them didn't really want to know more-"uh, that's fine, I just don't want to be involved" WTF? Maybe you wouldn't like knowing the real me then, huh? I've told one friend of 48 years, and he is the coolest with it. I've been to his house dressed (got a hilarious reaction from his German Shepherd) and he comes over to our house frequently. BUT, that said, it's still not like he's really interested in Olivia and her world, ya know?

It's just hard to play the role at times and pretend that I'm still the person I was 5 years ago, or even 2 years ago now. I've changed my physical appearance somewhat, and my mental attitude has followed. I try to stay interested in some of my old activities but I often feel like a fake, trying to fit in with the "boys" again. My wife worries about it too. She's afraid that I distance myself too much from my old friends and their world in general. Well, that world wouldn't be very welcoming to Olivia, and I don't need that, not like I need to be Olivia anyway. So, guess who wins? O

[vbcdgrl]

Let's see, I'm not a psych-anything, so I probably should keep my mouth shut. But, this guy does sound like he's a true friend. He's interested in you and your life. But, if it were me, I'd want to set him straight on the CD=gay issue. You don't say whether YOU consider yourself gay, but your friend seems to be assuming you are. And, certainly, if you don't want him to "set you up" with some guy, you better tell him so in no uncertain terms. Your friend needs to know where YOU stand. Just my opinion.

Vikki

[Melissa A.]

He does sound like a good friend, control freak or not, and it's sad when we lose touch or grow out of relationships for whatever reason, even if that reason brings you peace and happiness. Maybe you will find that if you make an initial effort, and persevere for a bit, it won't be such a chore after a while. maybe you'll find that old friends and your new self awareness don't have to be mutually exclusive.

I got found out years and years ago, and pretty soon everybody knew. virtually all of my old friends who know have seemingly come to realise that it doesnt change the friend I am. They don't want to meet Melissa, and I would never be that inconsiderate. But solid dependable friends are hard to come by and keep. I've decided that not everyone needs to know, and some definitley should not know(for their own good!). But I can still have a friendship or aquaintance with virtually anyone, regardless. And if they find out, I really, really don't care. No one can hurt me or make me ashamed of me.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[tekla west]

I would never let one thing dictate my friends. I love to hike and camp, but I have friends who think "roughing it" is NOT getting the corner suite. I don't hunt, but I have friends who do. I have people who do nothing but bug me to get them into some of the parties I work, and I have other people in my life who do not want to hear word one about them. I work in rock, I have friends who hate rock music. I'm a left-wing democrat and I have friends who are right wing religious conservatives (OK, that one is a lie).

Some are comfortable with this, others are not. I don't push it on them, neither will I change it for them. Everyone does not have to accept everything, they only have to be willing and able to pleasantly ignore it.

[Melissa A.]

[QUOTE=tekla west]I'm a left-wing democrat and I have friends who are right wing religious conservatives (OK, that one is a lie).

That would just be going too far! Hee hee!

(apologies to those right wing religious conservatives among us-just having fun.)

Hugs

Melissa:happy:

[rosiegurl]

a friend is a firend, a good friend won't let it stop them been your friend, others will just drop off and move away quickly.

from what you said he sounds like he is a real friend, he has offered you an opening, I suggest taking it and opening up to him. give him the oppertunity to show you how good of a friend he is, you might be suprised *smiles*

I know I go back to england about once a year to visit family and I was talking to an old friend and halfway came out to him, and he was really cool about all of it, even told him my SO and I were thinking of having a TV wedding with both of us as the bride *LOL* all he did was laugh and ask for an invite just so he could get photo's to blackmail me for beer with later *grins*

[mollytyler]

Most of my gal friends from HS and college know and love Molly. In fact, I have a HS reunion coming up and will me going as Molly...no reservations.....it will be a surprise to some but not others who just treated me as a 'faggot' 'queer' 'maryjane' etc. I just hope I look better than some of their current wives. My girlfriends are REALLY looking forward to it.....and of course SO AM I -lol
My true friends are the ones who have known of my issues from early on and had no problem accepting me and giving that needed support over the years. I found some who I never thought would be that way......just shows you I had my own mis-conceptions and learned.

[DonnaT]

You're avoiding this friend and are unhappy and distracted when you have a conversation with him. I don't see the downside of being honest with him at this point -- the worse that will happen is that he is no longer a friend, which is where this relationship appears to be anyway.

To me, it sounds as if he may be receptive to what you want to tell him, although he should learn some discretion.

:iagree:

[Michelle Ellis]

Well we've been great friends throughout the years... but have grown apart, he had a pretty rough dad when he was growing up, and I've seen him kinda turning into his dad with his own sons :( He's sexist to the core, not a bit of compassion and a self admitted a-hole LOL opposites attract even between regular male friends I guess, cause I'm not like him at all. We've just shared similar interests... and some rough times growing up, but I shouldn't get into that...

Suffice it to say, not the friend I would choose to come out to, tho everyday for years and years I've thought of it, envisioned scenarios with each of my friends in fact, family members too... I just don't think coming out at this point is an option, tho it may be in the future.


My gut reaction to this is that this 'friend' does not have much respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't 'out' you to anyone - for any reason. At the very least, he'd talk with you first. This is not how friends treat one another.

You're right, our respect for each other has diminished a lot over the years. When he told his son I was a woman we were talking long distance, I wasn't even there :Angry3: I just asked what that was all that about and he just laughed and said don't worry about it! grr... I think he just want's the control knowing my secret would bring him... I hate to say it, but the days of us being friends, let alone best friends, is long over...

Oh well! The friends I've made here are more valuable to me than that friendship ever could be.

M

[jai.says]

Hey Michelle,

I can empathize deeply with your thoughts. In college, I played the macho man and made some close friends during that time. Now, it's growing more and more difficult to talk with them because they -- quite frankly -- don't know anything about my life. I've even reached a straining point with my brother -- who is a proud homophobe.

On the other side, the friends that I have come out to [all on the left coast] have grown closer to me. For the first time in my life, I'm not making transient friendships.

I plan to tell all of my friends at some point and I think you'll agree that the people who walk away from you were never truly friends at all.

:hugs:

jai

[Barb Valentine]

I just find some times you just out grow old friends

[Michelle Ellis]

Jai, I'm sorry, your brother no less... I can only imagine.

Barb you're right, I've outgrown all my other friends, as pitiful as it sounds, I've only got one real friend left LOL And I never initiate communication... I never have... he's always called and is like, what's up? Just a bunch of mixed feelings, known him for so long, so many wild memories... (sigh)

Luv you guys...
M

[crusadergirl]

I know how it is most of my friends i have known for 15 are more years, I have a hard time talking to them.
Sometimes i wish i didn't act so weird when i'm with them.
If i told my friends i was a crossdresser i don't think they would believe me, they would think i'm joking with them.
Maybe thats a good thing.

Stand up and fight

[GINA-CD]

I'm sure that my friends would understand if I came out to them... maybe one or two wouldn't feel comfortable about it but they'd try to help and be supportive with the situation... (I've known them for +30 years, since we were children)

Just remember, good friends stick to you when you need them... the others weren't friends, you just knew them at some point in your life...