The moment I am gone....my husband goes

[Jean GG]

on a shopping spree: wigs; breast forms; shoes; stockings; girdles; makeup; and who knows what else!!!!!!!!!!

I NEVER tell him what to buy or NOT to buy...........I only ask that he tell me about it...BUT ALL HE DOES IS LIE, LIE, AND LIE!!! Why??????????

All I have ever done, on occasions, is ask him if he really needed a particular item! He usually said NO!

On my current trip, I have asked him if he wanted me to buy anything for him, and he asked that I purchase some blouses. I said I would!! So why continue to lie to me about his purchases??? IS THIS A NEED OR AN ADDICTION??? Seems like an addiction to me!

Some GG's have told me that it's up to the wife to discipline the husband. Do I really need to...becaues I DON'T WANT TO...as he then gets defensive, accuses me of all sorts of things and we end up fighting and fighting!!!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...give me your (brief & honest) opinions! Why does he need to buy things when he already has soooooooo many??? WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?? More importantly WHY DO I FEEL SOO BETRAYED and believe that he will always put his feelings/needs first???

Still travelling...but had to post this before I have another (long distance) fight with him which would make my trip very unpleasant. jean

[renee99]

It sounds like this has very little to do with crossdressing, addiction or not, and more to do with a power struggle.

[CDsWifey GG]

It does sound like an addiction to me as well, actually I know several non-CD ppl that have a shopping addiction and some of them do the same thing, lying, sneaking, denying offers for things then getting them when nobody is looking...I say approach it as a separate issue from the CDing and try to find out together what need it is that he is trying to fill and how you can get past it. As for feeling betrayed, you should. It was wrong to sneak and wrong to lie and cannot go on. It remains to be seen how my hubby really will be with shopping. It is all so new and we did go overboard once but I am hoping the spending will even out and not be a problem once the new wears off the whole thing. I wish you luck with the coming confrontation.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Jean,

You don't need to "control him", but you do really need to lay down some ground rules. This behavior you descibe seems to me to be unacceptable.

Where is the money comming from? Is he spending your money or his money. Is this money that you need for other things? Do you feel you are not getting your share? You need to get all this out in the open. He's lying because he is afraid you will disaprove. But you clearly don't disaprove of the shopping, just the lying. If you both have all the money you need and this shopping is not causing a financial hardship, then just deal with the lying. If he is spending money you need for other things, then you need to deal with that. I can't suggest an appropriate way to do this but you may be able to. Maybe next time it all has to go back to the store. Or perhaps to Goodwill if it has been worn. You have to figure out an apropriate consequence and come to an understanding before it happens again.

Good luck,

Stephenie

[Stephenie S]

Jean,

I think Renee may be right, this may have very little to do with shopping or CDing.

Steph

[Jean GG]

It's the lying I can't live with!!! The money does NOT matter! jean

[MsJanessa]

It's the lying I can't live with!!! The money does NOT matter! jean
If its not a "money matter"(you have enough and are not in financial trouble) and you are ok with your husbands crossdressing why does it bother you that he buys clothing and doesn't tell you about it?

[Jean GG]

If its not a "money matter"(you have enough and are not in financial trouble) and you are ok with your husbands crossdressing why does it bother you that he buys clothing and doesn't tell you about it?

because he lies about it...and he has lied to me about more important things...and it debilitates me...

[SherryLynn GG]

on a shopping spree: wigs; breast forms; shoes; stockings; girdles; makeup; and who knows what else!!!!!!!!!!

I NEVER tell him what to buy or NOT to buy...........I only ask that he tell me about it...BUT ALL HE DOES IS LIE, LIE, AND LIE!!! Why??????????

All I have ever done, on occasions, is ask him if he really needed a particular item! He usually said NO!

On my current trip, I have asked him if he wanted me to buy anything for him, and he asked that I purchase some blouses. I said I would!! So why continue to lie to me about his purchases??? IS THIS A NEED OR AN ADDICTION??? Seems like an addiction to me!

Some GG's have told me that it's up to the wife to discipline the husband. Do I really need to...becaues I DON'T WANT TO...as he then gets defensive, accuses me of all sorts of things and we end up fighting and fighting!!!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...give me your (brief & honest) opinions! Why does he need to buy things when he already has soooooooo many??? WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?? More importantly WHY DO I FEEL SOO BETRAYED and believe that he will always put his feelings/needs first???

Still travelling...but had to post this before I have another (long distance) fight with him which would make my trip very unpleasant. jean

It seems to me that maybe he doesnt tell you about it because you already think he's buying too much....BUT you said yourself you dont tell him what to buy and what not to buy, so with that being said im not sure why you even care...Are you wanting him to tell you about it before or after he buys it?? Which I still dont see why he even has to tell you if you dont care and money isnt a problem. Now if you ask him if he bought something and he says no then you find out he did then i could understand asking why he lied.

Maybe its just me, but I feel like he's lied about something alot bigger than buying clothes & wigs and thats what is bothering you Just my 0.02

[Jill]

I would tend to agree with renee about the power struggle thing. I have seen you post on here many times about problems with your husband, you ask questions that are very hard to answer. I think that you post on here simply to vent your frustrations instead of finding answers to your questions. And that's perfectly okay, it's possible that you really don't have anyone to talk to about this and we are all you have, and again, that's ok, we'll help in any way that we can. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble, good luck.

[Jean GG]

Maybe its just me, but I feel like he's lied about something alot bigger than buying clothes & wigs and thats what is bothering you Just my 0.02

He has lied about much bigger things...he could tell me about his purchases afterwards...but he does not! It's an escape...as he said himself???

[Jean GG]

I think that you post on here simply to vent your frustrations instead of finding answers to your questions.

I think you are wrong...but even if I were...what would be the problem with it???

[Bev06 GG]

More importantly WHY DO I FEEL SOO BETRAYED and believe that he will always put his feelings/needs first???


Jean I really dont understand this part of your question. I think he's being a selfish pig so why shouldn't you feel so betrayed and believe that he will always put his feelings and needs first. That is exactly what the rat is doing so how could you possibly feel any other way.
It sounds like he's giving a very supportive encouraging wife, a really unsupportive discouraging time. Your right to feel angry I dont blame you one little bit.
Take care
BEVxxxx

[Janelle Young]

Jean,

You mentioned it and SherryLynn picked upon it that he has lied about other things. I can see where the lying would bother you, it would definitely bother me. In the 'ideal world' in any relationship there would be open and honest communication. Unfortunately most of us don't live in the ideal world. I think you need to find out why he is lying to you. I wish I could tell you how to do that but I can not. All I can suggest is some sort of marriage counseling. Yeah I know not much help, but it is all I can think of as I am not a fly on the wall when this happens. Good luck and I hope you can work this out.

[fionasboots]

I'm a little confused as well about your SOs behaviour; presumably you know, accept and support him with the whole CDing thing so why would he continue to lie?

Unless he gets some thrill from sneaking off to look at and buy clothes? The thrill of being caught maybe?

Have you ever been shopping with him for clothes? Did he go as mad on buying things then or simply not buy anything at all?

I think you have every right to feel upset, particularly when you seem (you haven't said otherwise), to be happy with his CDing and even offered to buy clothes.

I really don't know what to suggest :(

[SherryLynn GG]

Jean I really dont understand this part of your question. I think he's being a selfish pig so why shouldn't you feel so betrayed and believe that he will always put his feelings and needs first. That is exactly what the rat is doing so how could you possibly feel any other way.
It sounds like he's giving a very supportive encouraging wife, a really unsupportive discouraging time. Your right to feel angry I dont blame you one little bit.
Take care
BEVxxxx

I wasnt gonna say anything but I just couldnt help it...I understand that Jean is frustrated and she says he's lying and doing all these things without telling her BUT I also believe that we shouldnt call anyones SO names and down them...We dont know the whole story, not saying she isnt giving us all the info, but without knowing what he's thinking or whats going thru his mind I think its wrong to call him names

Just as I saw in a post before that no one should say anything about someones wife, I think that goes for a husband as well....Not trying to start anything, just voicing my opinion and giving my 0.02

[DawnLabelle]

Hi Jean,

I'm going to take a different spin on things.

His actions show shame, lots of it, why is he ashamed?. How high is his level of self acceptance and self confidence in being a crossdresser?. If the answer to that is "low", then its fairly obvious why he is ashamed.

His actions also show a certain level of addiction, but I believe this can be separated from the crossdressing, just because he is a cd'er, does not mean he will always be addicted, they do not neccessarily go hand in hand. But I believe a person with problems with addiction, who also happens to be a tranny, an addiction will often manifest itself in the purchasing of femme gear. Better than getting high eh?.

He needs to discover, or if he knows, be honest about, what unfulfilled need is this addiction of his trying to meet?. Why does he feel ashamed about it?, as you seem to be fairly accepting, if not frustrated (which I totally get, not admonishing you for that).

Why not a few visits at a couples councellor to try and get this figured out?, couldnt hurt, chances are one of you have insurance.

My therapist told me something very important when I was dealing with issues with my own acceptance -vs- my ex's acceptance of me. My ex always claimed that she accepted me (although many of her actions proved otherwise) yet I could never really believe her when she said it. When I told my therapist of this, he told me "how could you ever believe that someone who loves you can accept you when you do not accept, nor love, yourself".

Until he accepts himself fully, everytime you caringly show acceptance, he will deep down believe that you are laughing at him, or that you truly despise this and are just doing it to shut him up. You seem to be doing your best, but I think at this stage, no matter what you do will make a difference.

If I may offer unsolicited advice. Stop buying him things, stop sharing in his shame, but at the same time if you truly do accept him, dont make negative remarks either or put him down for cd'ing. Tell him that you want to get to the bottom of this, that its causing a rift between you, the hiding, NOT the cd'ing, this is crucial. His mind will try everything to twist it around to "she hates my femme side, waaaahhhhh", be blunt, be forthright.

This can be beat, just gotta do something about it, use the tools (i.e., therapy) available to you.

Best of luck
Dawn

[tekla west]

If he is lying about this, what else is he lying about? That becomes the question. If he would lie about little stuff, then then big stuff might be all a tissue of lies too. And GGs do not like their men to lie, its like rule one (and simply OMITTING, which lots of men do not see as a lie, almost all women do.)

He is being selfish, no doubt about it. How much do you need? I sort of asked that in a sneaky way in another post? Do you really need all that?

I think I had more stuff when I was in the closet, it was like trophies and toys. Now that I go out, I only need what I need - i.e. what is real, what I look good in, and what I really wear outside. The rest has been given away.

The dressing is a need, the shopping is an addiction. It is feeding something that the dressing does not.

In a larger sense, we live in a society that is deep into the sickness of materialism. But that is a whole other topic, suffice it to say, that for many, too much is never enough, no matter what it is too much of.

[older not wiser]

Hi Jean, It appears to me that there is something much, much bigger going on here. My suggestion is the both you seek professional help for a underlying problem NOT connected to cd'in. As the other girls have said if we can help we will. Good Luck!!!!


Love; BonnieAnne:GE: 0.02

[renee k]

Hi Jean,

Here's my take on your situation, if you will allow me to add my two cents.

One, you do need to vent, don't let it build up inside, just for your health and sanity.
Two, I think your husband is inmature in the way he deals with you and his crossdressing. In that he still trying to cover up or conceal aspects of his dressing. Even though he's out about it with you. He probalby knows how the lying has hurt you and is afraid of your scorn, when he is caught in a lie. Which is where I think his inmaturity lies. He needs to wake up and count his blessings. And maybe think of what he stands to lose if he continues down this path. I lost my marriage of twenty years because of my fear of getting into a lively discussion,with my ex, and couldn't handle the confrontation. I learned a hard lesson from it. And made some big changes in the way I've handled past and present relationships. Being open, honest and communicate is where one needs to be. Hopefully you two can overcome this and grow from the experience.

Huggs, Renee

[Eugenie]

I only ask that he tell me about it...BUT ALL HE DOES IS LIE, LIE, AND LIE!!! Why??????????

Just a pie in the sky... Could it be that he feels so bad about his x-dressing that he doesn't want to speak about it? Could it be that asking him to speak about it embarasses him so much?

It isn't my case but some x-dressers like to keep their secret secret... Perhaps he would prefer to keep his x-dressing to himself, even if he isn't ashamed about it. Don't we have all some secrets that we don't want to share, even with our dearest beloved companions?

Could his reaction be a symetrical one to that of SOs of X-dressers who know about their husbands x-dressing but don't want to speak about it and sometimes pretends it doesn't exist?
0.02
Eugenie

[rosiegurl]

some of us have a major problem coming fully out of the closet, even to their SO's. Don't think I am condoning his lying, I can just understand it to an extent.

some do find it usefull as escapism, and then feel so humiliated by it afterwards they find it hard to admit to

[DonnaT]

At first, I thought maybe he was a shopaholic. However, if it is only fem items, then maybe SHEs a shopaholic.

Then there's the lying, which shopaholics tend to do because they are ashamed and have no valid excuse.

However, if he's been lying about other things, he could be a compulsive liar. It's an addiction, like alcoholism. A sign is that he would tend to lie all the time, make things up that never occurred, etc.

If it all centers around the CDing, then most likely he's ashamed and has never accepted this part of his personality.

Note that I'm throwing out several things that can be explored, based only on what has been posted in this thread.

Arguing, and confronting him will never help. He needs to see a therapist to get to the basis of his lying.

If he refuses to go, please see a therapist yourself to get help on how to cope with his problem.

[Julie Avery]

If you've described the situation accurately - and that's always a big "if" when couples do battle - I think he's too self-centered and devious to relate to a partner within what most people would consider acceptable boundaries. Self-centered and devious is a bad combination, near on to the very definition of "sociopathic", if he's highly skilled at misleading people.

[NighttimeGirl]

some of us have a major problem coming fully out of the closet, even to their SO's. Don't think I am condoning his lying, I can just understand it to an extent.

some do find it usefull as escapism, and then feel so humiliated by it afterwards they find it hard to admit to


:yt:

Here Here

:love:

[kabcd]

Sounds like there area few different things going on. One, I think is a control issue, and two, maybe some guilt on his part, and three, maybe suspicion on your part (What else may he be lying about?). Some ground rules really need to be set. He doesn't need discipline, (unless you're into B&D) he's not a child, no matter if he acts like it sometimes. There has to be boundries on what is acceptable to you and him. Discuss the matter together, with ground rules even set for the discussion. His lying isn't helping anything. Have you two really discusse dit, without yelling at each other (because then no one listens). Give it a try, if it doesn't work get professional help from an understanding counselor. E-mail your nearest TriEss center, they can send you in the direction of a therapists who has worked with CD's and there spouses. Good luck. Life shouldn't be miserable for you or him.

[Shelly Preston]

There seems to be a few thing giong on at once here.

The constant shopping seems to suggest an addiction which if not dealth with could lead to lots of future problems.
The other is why does he lie to you. It may be he is actually feeling guilty about having spent so much money, and does not want to let you know how much his spending.

I think you should seek professional help to slove this

[carol ann]

it sounds to me that he is very selfish and needs to confronted with it.

[Jean GG]

Once more...I wish to thank you all. I DID NOT understand the extremism of shopping and how it evolves around shame and poor self acceptance ( I spoke with him, he got defensive, hung up on me, but later wrote me an email saying as much).

I suppose I need to help him with it...which is why I come to you all for help. For that, again, I thank YOU from the bottom of my heart. I am determined to make things work...even though I often feel like giving up...! Someday it will be mainly fun...I just know it! Jean