starlitsky
07-27-2006, 09:26 PM
hi all!
as you may or may not know, i've been lurking here for a while now. i've learnt a lot about myself, and the people around me, and i realized that i've discovered why i dress. i would like to share with you all, my story, and hopefully, be able to help others like me come to terms with what they feel.
i bought my first dress when i was in university, a strapless green velvet dress that went down to midthigh. i had no idea that it would fit me, i only knew that when i saw it (and the price tag! $18!) that it was for me. i had experimented with dressing before, when i was younger, with "borrowed" clothes, but when i got home and tried it on, it fit perfectly (except for my embarassingly large tummy, which definitely needs toning). it was then, i remembered that when i was in elementary school, the boys use to taunt me and call me (what translates to) "womanly formed", most likely because of my really high voice and short height. maybe it was like a self-fulfilled prophecy.
later on, i went into counselling, and they told me i had mild gender issues. not serious enough to hurt myself, not light enough that i could ignore it. but what they said was this: whatever keeps me functioning as a human being, without the urge to harm myself or others, is okay. some people drink, some people smoke. i dress. it was a completele revelation to me, and from then on, i stopped worrying about whether it was right or wrong. i started buying more clothes for myself, and was happier when i was dressed.
unfortunately, it wasn't too long before my father found out about my dressing. he was a traditional father, who thinks poorly of LGBT. i tried to stand up for myself, and reduced the punishment of having to throw all my clothes out, to merely storing them in the basement. it was a small victory, and call me paranoid, but i'm almost sure that the box in the basement is being monitored very carefully. i was sad at the loss of this freedom, but i knew i had to put up with it until i move out.
lately, i met someone who had a huge impression on me. i was socially awkward (i'm an INFP, for people who know what i mean), but she didn't give up on me, like other people did. when i talked, i felt like she really listened, and talked back. she doesn't know i dress, but she was willing to put up with me, and tried to help so i wouldn't be so socially awkward. after i met her, i felt that my desire to dress faded, and i wondered why. it was after a while that i realized that my desire to dress came from a need to express my emotions which i considerd feminine. having someone to accept me for being sensitive, and slightly mushy (hmm ... let's make that moderately mushy), and allowing me to express it lets me reduce the stress of holding it in. (no, she is not my SO and has no intention of being).
it was also during this time that i found out about being HSP. i knew i was an INFP, which meant i'm naturally socially withdrawn, but i didn't realize that i was really sensitive. i was searching around google and i found out about HSP (highly sensitive person). it turns out there's been some research on this, and HSP covers around 15-20% of the population. as it's the norm in our society, it's rather unmasculine for guys to show emotions other than anger and lust, and i repress both of those. i realized that i channeled the emotions through my dressing, and as a result, i'm a lot less emotionally repressed and happier when i do dress. having a good friend that was willing to listen to me helped alleviate things i've been holding back.
it doesn't mean the thoughts are completely out of my head. i still get ideas when i go to shopping malls and see clothing, and i can still admire the complexity at which women around me dress. i helped a GG friend pick make up the other day, and i felt so happy i was able to help someone with my knowledge. in comparison to before university, i am a much happier person, able to come to terms with what i was doing and why.
i hope i have been able to help someone with my story, and i hope that all of us live happily ever after.
cheers!
as you may or may not know, i've been lurking here for a while now. i've learnt a lot about myself, and the people around me, and i realized that i've discovered why i dress. i would like to share with you all, my story, and hopefully, be able to help others like me come to terms with what they feel.
i bought my first dress when i was in university, a strapless green velvet dress that went down to midthigh. i had no idea that it would fit me, i only knew that when i saw it (and the price tag! $18!) that it was for me. i had experimented with dressing before, when i was younger, with "borrowed" clothes, but when i got home and tried it on, it fit perfectly (except for my embarassingly large tummy, which definitely needs toning). it was then, i remembered that when i was in elementary school, the boys use to taunt me and call me (what translates to) "womanly formed", most likely because of my really high voice and short height. maybe it was like a self-fulfilled prophecy.
later on, i went into counselling, and they told me i had mild gender issues. not serious enough to hurt myself, not light enough that i could ignore it. but what they said was this: whatever keeps me functioning as a human being, without the urge to harm myself or others, is okay. some people drink, some people smoke. i dress. it was a completele revelation to me, and from then on, i stopped worrying about whether it was right or wrong. i started buying more clothes for myself, and was happier when i was dressed.
unfortunately, it wasn't too long before my father found out about my dressing. he was a traditional father, who thinks poorly of LGBT. i tried to stand up for myself, and reduced the punishment of having to throw all my clothes out, to merely storing them in the basement. it was a small victory, and call me paranoid, but i'm almost sure that the box in the basement is being monitored very carefully. i was sad at the loss of this freedom, but i knew i had to put up with it until i move out.
lately, i met someone who had a huge impression on me. i was socially awkward (i'm an INFP, for people who know what i mean), but she didn't give up on me, like other people did. when i talked, i felt like she really listened, and talked back. she doesn't know i dress, but she was willing to put up with me, and tried to help so i wouldn't be so socially awkward. after i met her, i felt that my desire to dress faded, and i wondered why. it was after a while that i realized that my desire to dress came from a need to express my emotions which i considerd feminine. having someone to accept me for being sensitive, and slightly mushy (hmm ... let's make that moderately mushy), and allowing me to express it lets me reduce the stress of holding it in. (no, she is not my SO and has no intention of being).
it was also during this time that i found out about being HSP. i knew i was an INFP, which meant i'm naturally socially withdrawn, but i didn't realize that i was really sensitive. i was searching around google and i found out about HSP (highly sensitive person). it turns out there's been some research on this, and HSP covers around 15-20% of the population. as it's the norm in our society, it's rather unmasculine for guys to show emotions other than anger and lust, and i repress both of those. i realized that i channeled the emotions through my dressing, and as a result, i'm a lot less emotionally repressed and happier when i do dress. having a good friend that was willing to listen to me helped alleviate things i've been holding back.
it doesn't mean the thoughts are completely out of my head. i still get ideas when i go to shopping malls and see clothing, and i can still admire the complexity at which women around me dress. i helped a GG friend pick make up the other day, and i felt so happy i was able to help someone with my knowledge. in comparison to before university, i am a much happier person, able to come to terms with what i was doing and why.
i hope i have been able to help someone with my story, and i hope that all of us live happily ever after.
cheers!