Is this normal?

[cath]

Hi
I am new to all of this I found out about my husbands Cding a couple of months ago. I am a very logical person and deal with problems in a very logical way. With the Cding the logic side of my brain say's its only clothes but I have this nagging irrational side screaming at me "NO STOP! THIS IS JUST WEIRD!"
Luckily the logic tends to kick in more often than not but when the other wins I am so low and fearful of the future, is this normal(whatever that maybe)?

[Joy Carter]

Cath I'm the same way but then I'm CD. Sometimes I say "what the heck ya do-in here +? " But I just feel and think this is the real me this how I feel. Not realy hating the male side but embracing the female within that we all have. Besides I like the personality,colors, style and feeling of being a woman.

[Lisa Golightly]

I must be weird... I've never seen this great divide. I just like great looking clothes, which look good on me. You should see it when I try to do the boy thing... my friends actually laugh... I look sooooo rubbish!

You should tell him when you think to yourself 'what the hell?' because it is at those times you are confronting your boundaries and personal fears. Hiding them will not help either of you in the long term. Logic has its place as does love and you sound as though you need some reassurance.

[NighttimeGirl]

I must be weird... I've never seen this great divide. I just like great looking clothes, which look good on me. You should see it when I try to do the boy thing... my friends actually laugh... I look sooooo rubbish!.

:heehee:

I posted a quote by Aldous Huxley in another thread but it goes:

Destroy your concept of normality,
The only ppl who go insane are those who have a preconception of what Sanity is!

what it says in so many ways is dont draw a line in the sand, humans on a whole are a poor idea, we question too much and forget about getting on with our everyday lifes,
ppl used to travel to discover and gain knowledge about other countrys, what heappened when they ran out of Countrys to discover?

They started on us, the population, forget whether it is normal or not just go with your heart, :love:

[noname]

Luckily the logic tends to kick in more often than not but when the other wins I am so low and fearful of the future, is this normal(whatever that maybe)?

Well, I wouldn't be fearful. I have an article I think you should read, I believe it will give you some insight.

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/anima.htm

To answer your question, yes it's just clothes. Being a guy I started shopping on the other side of the store because well... mens clothes really haven't changed in 15 years. Same cut of t-shirt and jeans. Although I don't know your husbands reasons.

Don't be too hard on him though. You probably wear pants, skirts, capris, shorts, skorts and a variety of tops. Would you like to be limited to skirts everyday for the rest of of your life?

[Brianna Lovely]

Hi Cath,
I'm a mature person, who is rather new to CDing and going out in public.
Although I'm rather logical myself, I think it's weird, that almost every female I see, no matter what age, is wearing either jeans and a tee shirt or shorts and a tee.

I'm afraid that in the near future, the only people wearing skirts or dresses, will be Cross Dressers.
Now, that's weird.

[NewbieCD]

Hi
I am new to all of this I found out about my husbands Cding a couple of months ago. I am a very logical person and deal with problems in a very logical way. With the Cding the logic side of my brain say's its only clothes but I have this nagging irrational side screaming at me "NO STOP! THIS IS JUST WEIRD!"
Luckily the logic tends to kick in more often than not but when the other wins I am so low and fearful of the future, is this normal(whatever that maybe)?
All i can say is Wifey told me she went through the same thing and the thing that helped her to cope is I asked her to be honest with me i was goind thru a rough time as well but it was me and her in this boat and sometomes it seems small so we need not rock it more than needed. Just be honest with your SO I think any woman who did not seek a man who lived this way would feel just like you do now.

[EricaCD]

I think what you are going through is more or less normal. Heck, sometimes even I stop a second and say "this is really just weird." And I have had nearly 25 years to come to terms with my dressing.

Only a very, very small fraction of the population of CDs and their SOs have undivided positive or neutral emotions about crossdressing. So don't beat yourself up over it. As the others have said, do not hesitate to communicate with your spouse. Even if - ESPECIALLY IF - you need some space to allow your coping mechanisms to snap back!

Erica

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Cath

I would say yes this is normal
It takes a lot of time to adjust to a mew situation. There are always going to be times when you ask yourself questions. If we did everything logically the world would be a boring place. I think what makes you feel so low is the fear of the unknown. It must be terribly difficult to get to a point where you are totally comfortable with your husband's crossdressing. I am sure some of the GG's will have gone through a similar thing and will be able to help more than I can.

[Calliope]

I think 'normal' is pretty contextual. Remember those outfits worn by Brian Jones (blonde guitarist in early Rolling Stones)? Thanks to the internet, 'normal' has been atomized into communities - dressing is normal here, um - it's not over at the Barry Goldwater Memorial Society... take your pick - liberty for all.

[gennee]

My SO thinks I'm weird and I admit it. I enjoy my male and female side. I am a completed individual now snce I got in tune with my feminine side.

Gennee

:doll:

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Every other place in the world is ok with it.

Every other place in the world ?
Isreal, Africa, Russia, not just Isreal--how bout any country in the middle east?, China, Twaiwan, etc.
Kew

[Karren H]

Define normal? And I'm pretty logical also, engineer thingy, and what we do isn't logical at all! But we can't help feeling how we feel! My wife freaked out when she found out last year but calmed down and accepted me and she told me that I couldn't quite if I wanted to. But her main concerns were what if the kids, family, and friends found out. And how whould impact kids and our life style. All valid concerns in todays society.... And she doesn't like what I love to do.. Life goes on!

Love Karren

[Casey Morgan]

Cath, concepts are a wonderful thing when they are abstract. The concept that our sun is a microscopic dot in the universe, the concept that some plants and animals die off and are never seen again, the concept that some men dress in women's clothing. And when they stay abstract they don't tend to require much more personal involvement than trying to wrap our minds around them. Kind of a nice exercise in logic.

But now this abstract concept is personal. This is something you have to deal with. So while you are fine with crossdressing as an abstract idea, your husband crossdressing is a different thing. It's a specific experience for you.

I don't know that I'd call it your "irrational side". This situation is asking you to look at some very core things you may not have had to look at before. How do men act and dress? Just what makes a man a man, or a woman a woman? If I'm OK with this what does that say about me? Heck, what does that MAKE me?

Language is almost too crude a tool to adequately express thought, so please bear with me a moment. Are you asking if it's normal to feel low and fearful of the future? From what I understand it is. If you're asking if crossdressing is normal, I like to say that it is normal but it's just not common.

You're not alone. There are a number of women here going through the same thing you are. And the MTFs and FTMs can give you some insight to what your husband is dealing with.

And don't forget that it isn't just your husband who's going through this. You are too. Remember that your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs are just as important and valid as his.

[JudeGG]

Hi Cath
I'm GG and new to this as you are - and take it from me - what you are experiencing are absolutely normal reactions. Im going through the exact same as you.
We will have both off days and good days. Like you - there are days where I think to myself - "what is the problem - there is no problem" and there are other days where I think "its all too much" and I wanna leave.

The only advice I have is to keep communicating with your hubby - let him know how you feel - on the good days and the bad.

And..............give the GGs a shout if you need them - they're are a good bunch.

Jude

[Wenda]

Hi Cath and Jude, You have found a great community in which to discuss this. Welcome! I am 58, and just rediscovered dressing 2 years ago, quite by accident when I was out of town. My GF had health issues which curtailed our love life, which had been exceptional. For some reason, I stopped at an adult store, and browsed. Something clicked. I tried on and bought a sexy shiny black skirt with lace-up sides, I tried on thigh-high 5" spike heeled boots (I was so excited, I was shaking!). I bought the skirt, then went to a department store, en drab, and tried on bras. Bought a lacy 40 c. bought shoes in another store, boobs in another. I fantasized about how it could be all the way home (6 hour drive).
When I met my GF later on the day I got home, she was pretty uncomfortable with it. To put this in perspective, she took grades 8 through 12 in a convent. My mom's family were staunch Lutherans, and 4 of my dad's brother are evangelists. Dressing wasn't a regular family experience. She liked the skirt and expropriated it, was ok with the shoes, stockings and bra, but really concerned about the boobs.
Fast Forward to last weekend. By now I shave everything all the time. She loves to shop with Wenda for makeup, lingerie, shoes, clothes, whatever. It has been a bit of a challenge to my cash flow. The breakthrough came on another trip out of town, when she met Wenda as a friend, and Jaya, a moderate dominatrix emerged on her side. I was quite OK with Jaya, because I felt it was therapuetic in helping her deal with an exceptionally abusive relationship (which involved sexual abuse of a daughter and a granddaughter).
We still don't live together, so we will check "Is Wenda coming along tonight?", or "Has Wenda bought anything lately?", or, "Wenda was hoping to come over tonight."If either of us are not in the right frame of mind, we just let it pass.
Her biggest fear, at the outset, was that I was not really who I had told her I was, and she was loosing 'the man in her life'. From her recent life experience it was "Well, Hell, Here we go again! Ain't this new and different!" She was afraid that I had been dishonest, and it took some tome for her to realize that I had not been.
I have been nurturing boobs, which she is delighted with, as long as they dont get to be dollies.
There are two points that I want to stress: you husband has probably been struggling with this more than you might imagine, the load of guilt re: dressing and the greater guilt re: not disclosing it to you.
Second: Once you get over the initial surprise (shock?), open your mind to options that you have previously shut down. If you can come to understand your SO's drive, and let it compliment some of your own suppressed fantasies, you can discover a whole new, secret realm of togetherness as a couple. My very best wishes.

[Julie Avery]

A diet rich in shellfish may enable you to overcome this "logic" problem. Or not. Logic is pretty clear-cut. Whenever and wherever it rains, the sidewalk gets wet. The sidewalk is wet. Does this prove that it rained? No. Maybe the neighbor aggressively watered their lawn.

[x_girl]

...I have this nagging irrational side screaming at me "NO STOP! THIS IS JUST WEIRD!"...

Cath,
It is not irrational. It is also normal to be fearful of the future.

The fear likely comes from the unknown. Do as much research as you can and talk to your husband until you remove the uncertainty. Even though this is not likely what you signed up for when you married him, you will soon realize that he is the same guy you have always loved.

I also think it is weird, but I have had many years to accept that weird isn’t the end of the world. I think ketchup on eggs is weird, but some people like it.

I recommend that you take it slow, set down some ground rules so that you don’t become overwhelmed and talk it through. Everything will work out fine.

[Sage GG]

Don't worry about what is normal, What works for you and your hubby is all that is important and the facts are what works one day might not another day its a ebb and flow thing. Like any other "hobby" sometimes he might spend to much money on it or to much of his time but it also like any other "hobby " it has its benfits. If he is happier, more relaxed and feeling closer to you things can be worked out.


If you want to talk, PM me, I'm walking on the same road that you are.

[Kimberly]

Hi
I am new to all of this I found out about my husbands Cding a couple of months ago. I am a very logical person and deal with problems in a very logical way. With the Cding the logic side of my brain say's its only clothes but I have this nagging irrational side screaming at me "NO STOP! THIS IS JUST WEIRD!"
Luckily the logic tends to kick in more often than not but when the other wins I am so low and fearful of the future, is this normal(whatever that maybe)?
You're own pre-downloaded gender boundries are being challenged, and that is what I believe drives certain people against our community. Their own place in society - (what expresses that, mainly? They're clothes! = their gender) is being challenged and so that is a threat, meaning unease and a want to reassert yourself and those around you.

I suggest to you to do this... Be open. Listen to your logical side - and reasses the gender boundries taught to you throughout the years. Your partner has let you in on something big -- how he/she expresses themselves as a person, without borders or boundries.

Love that. And love them.

[Catherine in Colo]

Hi Cath,

If I may add my two-cent's worth, I would definitely suggest you take to heart what Shari-Ann and Kimberly said. I don't know if I can say it any better myself, but I'll try. And I'll apologize in advance for the long post.

As Shari-Ann suggested, this experience is unique to you. I'm sure any crossdresser who has been in a relationship would tell you that women react differently to men who are crossdressers depending on the nature of their relationship. As for myself, my ex-wife was an intelligent psychologist, someone who understood the phenomenon of being transgendered, but could not deal with it personally. I used to think that dichotomy was contradictory, but have since realized that it is normal. From a rational and detached point of view, crossdressing is usually understood. But once it becomes personal, and it's YOUR husband, someone to whom you have a personal connection, then everything can change.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, most of us are brought up in an environment that informs our deepest beliefs about what is "right" and "wrong" in the world, and for most ggs, the gender lines are NOT to be blurred. Regardless of how many people tell you, or even how many times you tell yourself that crossdressing is a normal phenomenon, you may still have that deeply felt belief that it's just "wrong". Rather than fight that internal battle and hate yourself (and your hubby) for not being able to reconcile those two ends of the spectrum, just accept it. It's not "wrong" to be a crossdresser, but it's also not "wrong" for you to have problems dealing with it. After all, up till now, your image of your husband was one that fit into the gender stereotypes that you grew up with. For him to step outside those boundaries is threatening, and it will take you a while to deal with that.

As Kimberly says, your gender boundaries are being pushed, and that was a choice that you didn't make for yourself. That can breed fear and resentment. Just be sure to move at your own pace, and don't be afraid to assert this right to your husband. You are both exploring unknown territory. You are having to incorporate this new information into your image of who your husband is, and your husband is having to share with you a part of himself that has probably been more deeply hidden than you can imagine.

If I can make one suggestion, it's to stand your ground and communicate. Because your husband is now "out", he may feel the freedom to really expand his exploration of this world, and by pushing the envelope, may make it even more difficult for you to deal with this new world you've been thrust into. That is normal. But, he must also remember that the secret that he's been dealing with his entire life is something that you've just NOW started dealing with yourself. You need, and deserve, the time to catch up to him and his level of acceptance with this. He can't expect you to be "ok" with this right away, because you've not had the time to deal with this that he has.

By the same token, remember that he has trusted you with something that is probably as integral a part of him as any other, and he's looking to you to simply say that above all else, you still love him, and that you're not going to reject him. Communicate to him in a way that meets his needs, but also communicate YOUR needs. Above all else, COMMUNICATE.

Many wives and SOs have the fear that this information means that their husband is gay, or wants a sex change. If you frequent this board, you'll see that most cds here talk about crossdressing in the most visceral of terms. For most of us, its about the tactile feel of the clothing, the expression of traits that we are otherwise not allowed to express, or the chance to experience a world that we're otherwise forbidden to experience. Very seldom will you see crossdressers talk about wanting to be with other men, or about wanting to actually transition to womanhood. In most cases, it truly is all about the clothing. Crossdressers enjoy women's clothes for most of the same reasons that ggs do - because it feels good to wear them. When, in your own time, you are able to accept that, the threatened feeling that separates the "logical" you from the "emotional" you will hopefully dissapate.

We all wish you the best of luck, and as many have said, please be sure to use this board as a resource for information and understanding, we're here to help!

Take care,
Renee

[midwest GG]

Well, I hope it's normal...cause I go through the same feelings sometimes...and I think I'm normal, and if not, well the feelings are mine and it doesn't matter if there normal or not, there mine. :D

[Glenda Grant]

It is normal to feel as you do about the CD thing. I feel the same way and what I read it is very normal for us GG's who have just found out to feel this way. I too think Oh its just clothes so what is the big deal. I think the big deal is not the clothes it's the whole female presentation. I have a hard time time with the breast forms and tucking way his manhood. I may wear jeans and a flannel shirt but I don't bind my breasts and wear a strap on. So I am coming to terms that this is just part of it that I don't care for but I do understand it is part of it and important for my husband to present himself that way.

[Billijo49504]

Hi Cath, The part my wife like the most, is when we go shopping, and I pick up the tab...BJ

[Bernice]

Hello Cath,

BJ's a hoot, and she has a good point: that humour helps.

Don't sweat the little stuff. With enlightenment comes the realization that pretty much everything in a loving marriage is little stuff, and even this can eventually become pretty little.

When I started reading this thread, I thought I would have something uniquely helpful to say. But you have already recieved some very profound and appropriate advice - as good or better than anything I could express myself. So, I shall simply leave it to you to decide for yourself who has given you the most helpful advice, and wish you well in the process. :hugs: