Why the secrecy?

[cath]

I am trying to be as supportive as I can,My hubby usually dresses about twice a week, but if he's had a bad day and wants to unwind I always ask if it would help and that if he wants to dress thats fine.
I went out a week ago and brought him two new tops, two basques and a new suspender belt.
I found out about his CDing by accident when looking for an e-mail sent to him by a family member and found registration details for another forum,looking at this led me to find a site where he had been exchanging photo's(not just dressed pics)with other CD's.
I told him that I knew about all the sites and I hink he was quite relieved that he hadn't had to tell me and told me that I can log on and look anytime.
I have never been one to check up on what he is doing as I have always believed that he has been honest about where he goes and what he is up to.
In the last week he has been very distant I have told him that if he wants to talk, I will listen not judge or get upset but he doesn't want to.
So I had a quick look on the forum as he has been spending alot of time on it to see if I could get any idea of what was going on but all messages sent or recieved since he made the offer of me looking when I want have been deleted.
I know this isn't easy for him(and for others going through this)but it makes it really hard as a wife to see this as an innocent pass time when there is all this secrecy. It makes it all seem very shameful and seedy(which I do know its not!) So why all the secrecy?

[Rachel M]

Sometimes we are deeper in deeper than what we tend to share. He is probably just trying to protect your feelings. Its very difficult going through this alone so to speak. We are more than greatful to have a spouse who is understanding, but we need to discuss common feelings and experience with those just like us. You are awesome for accepting your husbands hobby.
Rachel

[Bobbie cd]

I can't blame you for being somewhat suspicious. The very fact that you are trying to be supportive and open-minded about the whole thing is far more than many of us CD's ever get in our relationships, your husband should be happy that you are willing to work with him on this.

That said, it is true that having hidden his dressing activities for so long, it may be hard for him to come entirely "clean" and out in the open about everything all at once.

Still, it does look as though there is something that he does not want to be discovered yet, and that is not a good way to work through the issues in any relationship.

I hope that you can get him to open up and communicate more openly with you for both of your sakes.

[Lila GG]

Hi Cath,

It seems like a really hard situation. The first thing that occurred to me is that while a part of him may be "relieved" you know, he is so used to keeping this part of himself private and secret, that he doesn't really know how to share it with you (yet). Often when we have these secret outlets for our fantasies and frustrations, especially if we carry them around alone for a long time, it takes a lot to break down the walls of secrecy (oops, I'm mixing my metaphors, but I hope the meaning is clear). Have you asked him specific questions, and does he answer those? I also recently found this website and am delving deeper to find topics to discuss with my husband, and it seems that the more specific I am in my topics/questions, the better able he is to answer them.

Or he may have a hard time believing that you are -- or will be -- OK with this side of him, because he himself hasn't been able to reconcile it fully yet (a theme I've seen repeated around the forums quite a bit).

Not sure what else to add, except I'm sure that there will be lots of people with more experience who will add valuable advice -- this place is a really good resource for us "SO"'s.

All the best,
Lila

[Billijo49504]

Hi Cath, please don't blame yourself, for anything. I have a very supportive wife and I'm very greatfull. You wouldn't believe the number of people on this forum that wishes they had a wife that was that supportive. I hope your husband isn't fooling around with the gay crowd. Not that I have anything against them. But to be with a wife and a boyfriend, something isn't right. My wife is a wonderful person, and I left my Lane Bryant Platinum card out for her to go shopping with. They have a 25% sale this weekend.
Cath, grab that person by the short hairs and get his/hers attention. Let her know, she has a good woman at home, so don't wander!!!!0.02 BJ

[Sandy]

wow if i had a wife like you i'd be in 7th heaven. Tell him how lucky he/she is to have such an understanding partner. I've been married 38 years and though its an open secret between us its never discussed.Thanks for joining us on the forum its great to have an os perspective. Hope things work out im sure they will.

[noname]

secrecy? Well really, who wants to be stared at? Who would want to be thought of a being a freek or wierdo? Even if you or others are not thinking these things, when dressed your hyper aware if you will of others reactions, even misreading them. So even if the water between you and him is calm he knows the water is moving under the surface if you will.

I have a couple other things I'd like to share with you that I'll pm you.

[Teresa Amina]

Secrecy is a habit most of us learn at a young age. When you're a kid and get "stomped on" over your dressing it makes a lasting impression. The parents think they're helping you but all they're doing is forcing it all underground. As you may have read in these pages crossdressing doesn't go away and, faced with severe disapproval from not only family and friends but society at large, we hide it.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Cath,

Secrecy is a hard habit to break. Give this issue some time. It's been around for years and years, and it won't go away, so it's nothing you need to deal with on an emergency basis.

As someone mentioned above,we can be VERY selfconcious. So that may be an issue here also.

You do need to make absolutely certain that there is no infidelity going on. The problem of STD is a very real one and you need to protect yourself. Let me say that this probably VERY unlikely. The vast majority of CDers are heterosexual and monogamous.

Just try and give this issue some space. It's going to take some time. There is a GG segment to this board, and I highly recomend this to you. The GGs who post here all seem to have VERY level heads on their shoulders.

Good luck, dear, this will sort itself out in time. Thank you for being such an understanding and compasionate wife.

Stephenie

[Holly]

At the risk of stating the obvious, why not ask HIM why the secrecy? The two of you need to get some communication going on.

[SherryLynn GG]

I used to go thru the same things with my hubby, I was always trying to find things online that he'd been looking at or doing and trying to find out who he'd been chatting with and stuff.

BUT then I realized, he loves me, he's gonna be with me for the rest of our lives, he isnt trying to find someone else on here, he's just looking at sites and chatting with other CDs...so I stopped snooping and things have gotten great...I dont care what he looks at online and he doesnt care what I look at...we all need privacy even if we are married, and nobody likes the feeling that they are being watched..I know I wouldnt want my hubby coming behind me everytime I posted on here to try and figure out if I was talking bad about him, or signing in to see what kinda messages ive been getting on here not that im getting anything bad, plus I normally tell him about anything I post on here or messages I get from the wonderful ladies on this forum

Trust is a major thing to have in a marriage, once you realize that he loves you and isnt doing anything wrong (if thats the case) then I think you'll both be alot happier and you wont worry about what he does online...I know there will be people that wont agree with me, but hey, we all are different and have our own opinions :)

[sandra-leigh]

So I had a quick look on the forum as he has been spending alot of time on it to see if I could get any idea of what was going on but all messages sent or recieved since he made the offer of me looking when I want have been deleted.

I had a brief mental conversation with myself on a related topic just yesterday.

My wife doesn't know about my dressing, and I've been thinking about telling her, and referring her to this site. But I've made a few postings that I'm not really ready to answer questions about yet -- there are some thoughts and feelings that I can express in a group of people who have gone through similar times... but that doesn't mean that I understand myself on those issues, or that I want to jump into them immediately with my wife.

As a very quick example: why do I feel good when a guy compliments my femme appearance? I can't explain it to myself, how could I explain it to her?

[Stephenie S]

Ahh Tess,

You have just stumbled on a major difference between how men and women think.

You don't HAVE to explain why you feel good when someone compliments you, you just FEEL good. Women don't spend any time at all trying to explain feeling. Explaining is a guy thing.

This can get you into trouble when your sweety talks about problems during her day. As guys, we want to jump in and offer an explanation and try to fix the situation. Girls just want a bit of empathy, just some recognition of their feelings. When you start offering solutions and advice it can turn her right off.

Don't worry about explaining things like that. If you can't explain it, that may just be you feminine side showingl.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Dixie Darling]

Cath

It may very well have to do with the fact that he's had to keep it a secret all his life (except for when he came out to you). It becomes somewhat of a habit to be 'low-key' so as not to raise the suspicions of those who DON'T know about him.

But as others have already pointed out, with you being the accepting wife that you are, there DOES seem to be a communication problem between the two of you. He would be wise to recognize the fact that he has a wife who is willing to accept and love him for the WHOLE person that he is rather than just for the parts she likes. Not too many of us here have that luxury.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Rachel Morley]

I think a possible reason for the secrecy is lack of self acceptance. Despite the fact he is one of the lucky ones and has an accepting wife he still has not accepted his dressing for himself. Maybe he still feels guilty about it and doesn't want you to know just how much of it goes on in his life just in case you change your mind and become less accepting.??....I dunno.

I know I swore to myself I would never ever tell a living sole because no matter how excepting they might be, they would never totally understand or really know how it was for me, because at the time, I didn't really know for myself. I figured it would be a source of confusion and a "thing" in a marrige that would cause conflict. Well, in my case I turned out to be totally wrong on that. It's a cornerstone in our marrige and there is never ever any misunderstandings, but that's only because my wife happens to like it, we talked for an eternnity about it before we got married, and I'm also totally acceptinng of myself with no hang ups about being an effeminate man.